DH has fallen out with my DD, because of how she spent her money

[Gianam]

So first of all, I know my DD is in an extremely privileged position, she knows this too.
DD is 25, she was just able to buy a flat with inheritance from her paternal grandparents, no mortgage so she’s set up really well, she didn’t have much left from the inheritance after this and all the associated costs but she felt like it was worth it to have a place that was really hers.

My DH isn’t DDs dad, but when his mum passed away she left DD £20,000, obviously DD didn’t expect anything at all in this situation. His mum had also left her a lovely letter telling her to use the money for something fun, and telling her how much respect she had for her.

DD used the money for a few things but notable £4500 on a piece of art for her new flat, some jewellery, paying a friend to paint her old snowboard to hang in her new flat and then some has gone towards her snowboarding trip in February.

I think this is exactly how his mother wanted the money to be spent, these aren’t clothes that will be out of fashion in a year but legacy pieces she can hold onto forever. DH thinks it was frivolous, spoiled and privileged spending and putting £4500 on art and similar amounts on jewellery is ridiculous. He has now said he won’t talk to DD as his mother would feel the money had been wasted.

I think he’s been utterly ridiculous, she hasn’t pissed it all on drink or random clothes. I think she’s been quite sensible and was told to use it for fun!

AIBU to think DH is being a bit of a prick with his reaction!

The fact he had to use his inheritance to pay off debt might skew his idea of the situation.

I would have thought this also.

He's probably thinking how much more useful it would have been to him!

I would find it hard to just burn through 20k tbh even if that was what it was supposedly for.

He's obviously wrong to no longer speak to her though.

This really.

his MUM gave YOUR DD the money & told her to spend it on FUN. She could have spent it all on theme parks & cocktails & that would gave been up to her & honouring what his mum wanted. As it is, she's had 'fun' with it but also bought things that will 'last' & remind her of his Mum.

but it's all kind of the side show to him saying 'he won't talk to her'

no matter the reason. WTAF??

we'd be 'having words' that may well end with 'fuck off then, my solicitor will be in touch'

He is being childish and abusive. Silent treatment is abuse.

Do you have joint kids?

No it wouldn't because it's HER money & the person who gave it to her told her to have FUN with it. No one else gets to have any say in it.

You would have ‘told’ an ADULT what to do with money they were left?

Completely agree. And each time she looks at them, she will be reminded of the lovely woman who enabled her to buy the pieces.

which artist?

We don’t. He has a son from his first marriage who rightly got significantly more inheritance and has used his on a deposit for a property, obviously DD didn’t have to do that but did similar when she got a large amount of inheritance from her paternal grandparents.

DD couldn’t care less that he isn’t talking to her, she’s very good at rising above people being petty, her reaction has been “okay that’s his choice but I have no regrets”.

Would it make a difference to point out that she could have paid for those things with her savings and it's his mother's money sitting in her ISA?

I’m not familiar with him but I believe his name is Henry Asencio.

She sounds a lot more mature than your DH.

If people leave you money it’s yours to do as your choose with. As his mum did actually say do something fun with it, how can he possibly say his mum wouldn’t have liked it? But so what, either way - you don’t get to control people from beyond the grave.

Has he questioned his son on how he has spent his money?

Or is it just women who he has opinions on?

Money is interchangeable, so he should see it as her spending her dad's family's money on fun (which is none of his business) and his mum's money on the ISA.

Except, I think she'd rather think about her step-Grandma while looking at the art than at her ISA statement, and he can't stop her.

Sounds like he’s pissed off he didn’t get the money himself

People have unexpected reactions when someone they love dies and sometimes this can cause them to feel anger about weird stuff.

I actually think he’s more pissed off that his son spent all his on a deposit and had no money left for fun but If DD hadn’t got anything his son could have had 20k for fun … which he’d have still been annoyed about being spent on fun but less bitter!

I suspect he’s resentful because she’s in the financial position to be able to easily afford to spend larger amounts on ‘fun’ things, whereas he spent his inheritance on clearing debt.

Some people are very resentful of others being in a better financial position and not having to struggle as they do.

It’s not as if the mortgage free home was down to her being sensible saving for it though was it. It was inheritance too.

I must have missed the bit where she had £20k plus in savings. I didn’t see anything about her having much savings. She has an isa but I didn’t see how much it had in it

edit: I see she maxed out her isa for the year thus your £20k

He's being an idiot. Show him the message from his Mother saying she should spend it on fun things and activities. What else does she need money for? She could move out of the flat and buy a house but if she's secure and comfortable in the flat there's no need for a house.

Op said she’d maxed out her ISA allowance for this year, which means she put away 20k this year.

This YP is a grown adult though and could do exactly what they wanted with their money. She did as was requested- spent it on fun and on what makes her happy.

About six months Before she died, Mum gavee six of us a couple of thousand each. All she asked is that we tell her what we had spent it on so that she could enjoy it vicariously.

I bought a piece of jewellery, sister and brother in law pooled theirs and bought a painting, grandchildren mainly spent theirs on upgrading their cars. Mum was chuffed.

she also paid for each of us to have an "experience" , again, she wanted to hear about it.

now I'm old and quite frail, one of my joys is to give my adult child and partner "treats" that they enjoy , but wouldn't normally do, because they are sensible with their money.

your daughter sounds like she's done the sensible thing with her first inheritance by buying a flat, and done exactly what her step Grandmother requested, spent 20k on things she loved.

If your husband doesn't approve, that's fine. He isn't required to approve of not, it's not his business.

in short, your husband is being a prat.

Ask him outright. Ask him if he is bitter that his mother left money to your dd

What would he approve of? A car? That wouldn't hold value as well as art or good jewellery might.
She has purchased inheritance pieces.
In honesty, I don't think I could be married to him. Giving your DD the silent treatment? No thanks.
He knows full well that if he refuses to speak to your DD it makes your life very difficult and puts stein on your relationship with her too. So, he is punishing you both for an imagined slight. Nasty.

Your daughter sounds very sensible, you must be very proud of her. I am so glad she is not allowing your husband to spoil it for her.