Page 11 | DH has fallen out with my DD, because of how she spent her money

shuggles · 14/10/2025 23:16

@Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim You can definitely work on interpersonal skills. You choosing not to has more than likely impacted your success.

As I explained, these are ingrained personality traits. They can't be changed.

My interpersonal skills are also affected by a medical issue, so there's that too.

JHound · 14/10/2025 23:17

shuggles · 14/10/2025 23:01

@JHound Nonsense.

How is it nonsense? Go into any business or organisation and please tell me how many of the senior staff or management staff were people who worked hard at school and university.

The answer is very few: they are always average people who are very good with their interpersonal skills, how they lead, and how they control meetings.

The idea that those of us stuck in the middle on average salaries are people who didn't work hard, or weren't intelligent enough, is nonsense. I worked hard and my intelligence is high. But I have shit interpersonal skills and I don't show leadership. That's all it is.

Pure nonsense.

”How they control meetings” dude - have a word with yourself. You are being ridiculous.

shuggles · 14/10/2025 23:18

@JHound Pure nonsense.

I would be willing to be that my academic credentials and intelligence surpass yours. I know from first-hand experience what I am talking about.

”How they control meetings” dude - have a word with yourself. You are being ridiculous.

You seriously don't think that being able to lead a meeting is an important attribute to have? I would struggle to think of a job in which that's not an important attribute.

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 14/10/2025 23:21

shuggles · 14/10/2025 23:16

@Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim You can definitely work on interpersonal skills. You choosing not to has more than likely impacted your success.

As I explained, these are ingrained personality traits. They can't be changed.

My interpersonal skills are also affected by a medical issue, so there's that too.

You might be book smart but you don’t have emotional intelligence.
That’s ok. Like academic intelligence, it can be worked on and improved but it takes willing if you aren’t naturally gifted with it.

You are choosing not to do that.

You then can’t be mad that people don’t want to work with someone who is clearly obstreperous.

JHound · 14/10/2025 23:24

shuggles · 14/10/2025 23:18

@JHound Pure nonsense.

I would be willing to be that my academic credentials and intelligence surpass yours. I know from first-hand experience what I am talking about.

”How they control meetings” dude - have a word with yourself. You are being ridiculous.

You seriously don't think that being able to lead a meeting is an important attribute to have? I would struggle to think of a job in which that's not an important attribute.

Edited

No I don’t think “how people control meetings” defines how successful one is at one’s role.

shuggles · 14/10/2025 23:26

@Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim You might be book smart but you don’t have emotional intelligence.

That's my point. The idea that people who don't have high paying jobs do not work hard, or don't have intelligence, is nonsense.

You then can’t be mad that people don’t want to work with someone who is clearly obstreperous.

"Obstreperous" is literally the opposite of me. Among people who know me, the one thing that they complain about the most is that I say very little.

ThatCalmFinch · 14/10/2025 23:29

Wow how did this thread disintegrate into who's the biggest dick swinging arsehole in a meeting? @shuggles don't be that person. OP I think your DD made the right call and as the money was left to her its her choice even if your DH doesn't like it.

99bottlesofkombucha · 14/10/2025 23:30

shuggles · 14/10/2025 23:12

@MonGrainDeSel Interpersonal skills are vital in almost all jobs and generally unrelated to your rather unpleasant previous assertion of nepotism.

I know for a fact that I would have gotten previous jobs that I wanted if I had been closer to that particular group in university and been part of their crowd. Cronyism is a real thing.

Perhaps you should work on those important interpersonal skills

You can't work on them. You either have them or you don't. Some people are naturally charming and sociable. Other people are not.

Telling someone to just have good interpersonal skills is like telling someone to be good looking. You either have it or you don't. You can't modify it.

Of course you can work on them!

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 14/10/2025 23:32

ThatCalmFinch · 14/10/2025 23:29

Wow how did this thread disintegrate into who's the biggest dick swinging arsehole in a meeting? @shuggles don't be that person. OP I think your DD made the right call and as the money was left to her its her choice even if your DH doesn't like it.

By shuggles being a jealous ignoramus

shuggles · 14/10/2025 23:32

@ThatCalmFinch Wow how did this thread disintegrate into who's the biggest dick swinging arsehole in a meeting?

That clearly wasn't what I was saying.

But on the basis that indeed this thread went off track, I will stop replying to this thread as of now.

Notatallanamechange · 14/10/2025 23:37

Inheritance allowed her to buy outright a London property with £600 a month service charges. Private schools, public schools. 20K inheritance for ‘fun’. Spending thousands on an unknown artist friends work on a snowboard…

All sounds incredibly privileged. And there’s no denying that. Perhaps DH was hoping to see some value from her, with the money that wouldn’t purchase a London property outright, but got a peach sapphire belly button bar instead, I can see the frustration tbh. Not really had to work for anything to get set up, would hope maybe she’d keep some money aside for emergencies. Salary means nothing if she’s simply never learned to save.

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 14/10/2025 23:44

Notatallanamechange · 14/10/2025 23:37

Inheritance allowed her to buy outright a London property with £600 a month service charges. Private schools, public schools. 20K inheritance for ‘fun’. Spending thousands on an unknown artist friends work on a snowboard…

All sounds incredibly privileged. And there’s no denying that. Perhaps DH was hoping to see some value from her, with the money that wouldn’t purchase a London property outright, but got a peach sapphire belly button bar instead, I can see the frustration tbh. Not really had to work for anything to get set up, would hope maybe she’d keep some money aside for emergencies. Salary means nothing if she’s simply never learned to save.

“DD has already maxed her ISA allowance for this year so she’s not lacking savings.”

Don't worry. She can save.

LBFseBrom · 14/10/2025 23:48

Your daughter did exactly right in how she spent her money.

Notatallanamechange · 14/10/2025 23:56

shuggles · 14/10/2025 23:12

@MonGrainDeSel Interpersonal skills are vital in almost all jobs and generally unrelated to your rather unpleasant previous assertion of nepotism.

I know for a fact that I would have gotten previous jobs that I wanted if I had been closer to that particular group in university and been part of their crowd. Cronyism is a real thing.

Perhaps you should work on those important interpersonal skills

You can't work on them. You either have them or you don't. Some people are naturally charming and sociable. Other people are not.

Telling someone to just have good interpersonal skills is like telling someone to be good looking. You either have it or you don't. You can't modify it.

This is utter nonsense, sorry. Of course you can work on your own ability to present well! Frankly, saying it’s not doable says a lot about you and why you haven’t progressed. Very ‘woe is me’.

Notatallanamechange · 14/10/2025 23:58

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 14/10/2025 23:44

“DD has already maxed her ISA allowance for this year so she’s not lacking savings.”

Don't worry. She can save.

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I’ve watched an idiot burn through 10s of thousands on pet bills, high earner. Two high risk pets (damn poor breeders) and no insurance. She had to go to her parents to help. So no, they aren’t always fine at 25, no life experience and money to burn.

NorthernSarcasticandDownrightFantastic · 15/10/2025 00:01

I had a similar response from my sister when I had been instructed to do the same...
I bought a ridiculous, small, retro caravan and a big old SUV to tow it with, and a mulberry bayswater handbag.

Over 15 years later we're still having 8 or more holidays a year in the caravan, and my daughter who is now 2 is obsessed with it. Having it has created so many incredible experiences and memories, and allowed me to gain skills and protect my mental wellbeing to boot.
I also still use the handbag every day, and it makes me smile and remember playing dress up with said relatives handbags and heels as a kid.

I didnt own a house when I was left the money either...

Absolutely no regrets. Your DH is struggling with how unfair the loss of a loved one is, more than the items bought, which sound fabulous.

NorthernSarcasticandDownrightFantastic · 15/10/2025 00:03

Notatallanamechange · 14/10/2025 23:56

This is utter nonsense, sorry. Of course you can work on your own ability to present well! Frankly, saying it’s not doable says a lot about you and why you haven’t progressed. Very ‘woe is me’.

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This!

I am autistic with a PDA profile. If my awful teenage self can grow and learn interpersonal skills.... anyone can. The lack of self awareness or accountability from the poster you quoted is likely the main issue!

Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim · 15/10/2025 00:05

Notatallanamechange · 14/10/2025 23:58

I’ve watched an idiot burn through 10s of thousands on pet bills, high earner. Two high risk pets (damn poor breeders) and no insurance. She had to go to her parents to help. So no, they aren’t always fine at 25, no life experience and money to burn.

Show quote history

You seem to have responded to the wrong comment.

Nestingbirds · 15/10/2025 03:44

There is a deeper resentment at work here. I suspect you need some further conversations about why her choices, and why they are bothering him. It might turn out to be resentment that she has had it too easy etc. Or it might be that he didn’t feel as loved or respected by his late mother - or a lack of ‘fun’ in his own life.

InterIgnis · 15/10/2025 03:50

Notatallanamechange · 14/10/2025 23:58

I’ve watched an idiot burn through 10s of thousands on pet bills, high earner. Two high risk pets (damn poor breeders) and no insurance. She had to go to her parents to help. So no, they aren’t always fine at 25, no life experience and money to burn.

Show quote history

Except this doesn’t seem to apply to OP’s DD at all, does it? Given that she’s saved at least £20k just in 2025. She’s also debt free, owns her home outright, and is already a high earner on a career path that will see her wage continue increase.

The inheritance was given to her to be fun money, so that’s how she’s treating it. She’s fine.

HomeTheatreSystem · 15/10/2025 06:29

Your DD has been extremely fortunate and it sounds like she recognises that as well. Her spending sounds entirely in line with your DH's mother's wishes given the things their relationship and the things they did together but your DH will possibly never be able to understand that without a bit of judicious nudging in the right direction from you. Your DD has savings so all he needs to tell himself is that the savings are his mum's legacy and the spends are from your DD's own funds. It might help him to see the situation a bit differently. Had she spaffed the whole lot on drink, drugs and wild living and relied on you to support her after it was all gone, he would be justified in feeling aggrieved but that's not the case here. He really needs to take his head out of his arse.

Summertimesadnessishere · 15/10/2025 08:02

Gianam · 13/10/2025 17:58

Yes he did, he used it to pay off debt and the rest he’s put into savings.

I think he wanted her to save it, keep it for a rainy day or at least in his mind “get more for her money” he feels the amount she spent on art and jewellery was excessive and she should have spent less of these things and therefore got more.

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But that’s not ‘fun’ though is it. So in the spirit of his mums comments I think your daughter has hedged her bets rather well.

She already had the flat so what better than to invest in a piece of art and jewellery , the snowboard being painted - is that sentimental/ decor? If so , it’s part of making the flat her home. And a trip snowboarding is lovely. A fun experience that can be expensive.

It doesn’t sound like you DH understood his mums wishes. It’s her money regardless . How awful of him not to talk to her. I’d remind him that his mum would be very upset thinking it had come to that.

Kazzybingbong · 15/10/2025 08:19

Well I’d have wasted it on paying off my horse, new tack, a new car and a trailer. It would have gone in a day but I wouldn’t regret a single second.

Would that be an acceptable purchase for him?

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 15/10/2025 08:51

I think the jewellery was a nice idea, something to remember her by. Art is always in investment, she has it for the future should she need to sell it. A holiday, something fun. She is in a good position in that she owns her home outright. With no mortgage she can put money aside for a rainy day and accumulate some decent savings.

Pherian · 15/10/2025 09:03

Gianam · 13/10/2025 17:50

So first of all, I know my DD is in an extremely privileged position, she knows this too.
DD is 25, she was just able to buy a flat with inheritance from her paternal grandparents, no mortgage so she’s set up really well, she didn’t have much left from the inheritance after this and all the associated costs but she felt like it was worth it to have a place that was really hers.

My DH isn’t DDs dad, but when his mum passed away she left DD £20,000, obviously DD didn’t expect anything at all in this situation. His mum had also left her a lovely letter telling her to use the money for something fun, and telling her how much respect she had for her.

DD used the money for a few things but notable £4500 on a piece of art for her new flat, some jewellery, paying a friend to paint her old snowboard to hang in her new flat and then some has gone towards her snowboarding trip in February.

I think this is exactly how his mother wanted the money to be spent, these aren’t clothes that will be out of fashion in a year but legacy pieces she can hold onto forever. DH thinks it was frivolous, spoiled and privileged spending and putting £4500 on art and similar amounts on jewellery is ridiculous. He has now said he won’t talk to DD as his mother would feel the money had been wasted.

I think he’s been utterly ridiculous, she hasn’t pissed it all on drink or random clothes. I think she’s been quite sensible and was told to use it for fun!

AIBU to think DH is being a bit of a prick with his reaction!

Your DH sounds jealous and he’s trying to put you in a position to choose between him and your daughter with this “ no speaking” nonsense.

The fact is, the money was left to her and she’s 25. She can take it out of the bank in notes and throw at strangers if she wanted to do so.

The part you’re leaving out of this is how it’s impacting you and how he’s treating you - because you know full well he’s the unreasonable one.