DH has fallen out with my DD, because of how she spent her money

[Gianam]

So first of all, I know my DD is in an extremely privileged position, she knows this too.
DD is 25, she was just able to buy a flat with inheritance from her paternal grandparents, no mortgage so she’s set up really well, she didn’t have much left from the inheritance after this and all the associated costs but she felt like it was worth it to have a place that was really hers.

My DH isn’t DDs dad, but when his mum passed away she left DD £20,000, obviously DD didn’t expect anything at all in this situation. His mum had also left her a lovely letter telling her to use the money for something fun, and telling her how much respect she had for her.

DD used the money for a few things but notable £4500 on a piece of art for her new flat, some jewellery, paying a friend to paint her old snowboard to hang in her new flat and then some has gone towards her snowboarding trip in February.

I think this is exactly how his mother wanted the money to be spent, these aren’t clothes that will be out of fashion in a year but legacy pieces she can hold onto forever. DH thinks it was frivolous, spoiled and privileged spending and putting £4500 on art and similar amounts on jewellery is ridiculous. He has now said he won’t talk to DD as his mother would feel the money had been wasted.

I think he’s been utterly ridiculous, she hasn’t pissed it all on drink or random clothes. I think she’s been quite sensible and was told to use it for fun!

AIBU to think DH is being a bit of a prick with his reaction!

My friends laughed at me when I chose a crystal decanter for my 21st birthday. I've used it with my adult DD's and still love it. She sounds financially stable and has bought something she will enjoy every time she's at home. She's interpreted the letter, perfectly. If he carries on, it would be a deal breaker for me.

she's a 25 year old mortgage-free home owner with at least £20,000 in savings. I don't really know how much more 'sensible' she wants her to be, or how big he wants her rainy day fund to grow to.

I agree art and jewellery chosen after her frontal lobe has fully developed is the right balance fun and serious with consideration to longevity of what she is spending money on.

He's a twat - I used money from my grandma ( not a huge amount) to buy a painting and a ring. I wore the ring for years ( currently being resized as I've fat old fingers) and it gave me daily joy - soon to be reinstated and the painting is in my lounge and gives me daily pleasure. I certainly do not feel foolish ( I had v limited funds at that time). I wanted something special and specific to remember my grandma by. It is NONE of his business - she's a wise young woman.

Yes he is a twat.
A beautiful piece of art gives pleasure every single day and reminds her of the womderful woman whom gifted it to her and thought so much of her.

He sounds like a controlling twat.
I hope she gives him a wide berth.
You need to put him firmly in his place and stand firmly with your daughter on this.
None of his business whatsoever.

It is absolutely none of his business what an adult does with money they have been left. He might have preferred her to put the money in savings, but she didn't want to. It's not like she went on a three week bender is it, she used the money to buy things that she loves.

Your DH needs to get a sense of proportion. He might well be missing his mum, but that is a completely separate issue to what those left money by her have done with it. Would he tell his sister what she should do with any money left to her? His brother? An aunt? Why not?

I'd add that the money would have been rightly hers to use in any way she wanted, even if she used it for things most people would consider wasteful. And in that situation, while I would be sympathetic about him having negative feelings about it, that he shouldn't burden her with those feelings. But the fact is most people have agreed that she used the money well, so even less appropriate for him to be snide about it.

It was her money to spend however she chose. He’s free to do what he wants, but he shouldn’t expect his childish behaviour not to have an impact on his relationships, particularly his relationship with you.

Your dd has spent some of the money on things that she will have for a long time, and which - you can remind your DH of this in capital letters - will remind her of a kind and generous woman, his mother, every time she sees them, or tells someone the story behind how she came to own them. If he can’t see that as both honouring his mother’s memory and fulfilling her final wishes then he needs to take his blinkers off.

Ok not quite the point I was making. Emotional abuse of her child? Emotional abuse of his step daughter? Emotional abuse of a woman. You pick.

Exactly. Perhaps if she was renting and complaining about not being able to afford to get on the property ladder it would be different but it sounds like she's been really thoughtful with her money.

I'd just make sure she's insured the artwork and check she's still saving for a pension and a decent emergency fund and let her crack on. She's had a great start in life and financially has made the most of it.

I think it’s lovely she has a sense of the aesthetic and has bought some art and jewellery.

Also, she has been very sensible and balanced. If she’d walked into the first art gallery that she saw and spent all £20,000 on one picture, I would think maybe that is a bit silly.

Getting one’s first flat and imposing one’s own taste on it is a sign of growth and maturity IMO.

Perhaps she didn’t like any of the cheaper pieces of art?

25 isn’t that young, either. “Told her” seems rather infantilising.

I would simply point out that your daughter has done exactly what his mother wanted her to do

That it’s likely both the jewellery and the art will increase in value so they are an investment

and he is being incredibly childish in not now speaking to her and needs to grow up

She was told to use it for fun

she did

your dh is a muppet.

(my dc in a similar situation bought guitars. Lots of them.)

He won't talk to DD? Yeah he's a knob. It's absolutely none of his business what your DD did with her inheritance.

I don’t actually think any other information is important except …”he has now said he won’t talk to DD…

That’s the only thing which I think needs addressing - it’s totally unacceptable.

She would be proud of your daughter , exactly how she was told to spend it.

Your daughter used an inheritance for travel, jewellery, original artwork painted on a sentimental item and a piece of art.

That all sounds very……normal.

Seeing as she already has a fully paid off home, and she was specifically told to ‘use the money for something fun’, what exactly did he think she was going to spend it on?

YANBU OP

I’ve treated my adult kids as a surprise now and then. The only thing I’ve said is, this is for you to spend on you, spend it on perfume, lose it on the horses, I don’t care, it’s yours.

Gifts come with bows, not conditions.

I think your DD spent it on the very things your DH's mum would like her to have spent it on. Beautiful things that each time she wears or looks at she will remember his mother fondly. Really wise choices IMHO and, if I were in that situation (his mums) I would be looking down from my fluffy cloud feeling so pleased with the amount of pleasure and happiness your DD will get, probably for the rest of her life, from her bequest.

It was my first thought as well .
Even if he says no his behaviour looks like he is.

The fact he had to use his inheritance to pay off debt might skew his idea of the situation. He might be concerned that your daughter might end up with debt and this is a good opportunity to ensure it doesn't happen by putting it aside. But you've said she already has max ISA, has housing whatever her financial situation and seems completely in control of her finances, so the chances of her suddenly getting into debt seem extremely low. He can have an opinion. But the not talking to her is a bit pathetic. What's that going to achieve apart from creating a gap in his life. Will she this as some kind of major trauma, or will it just reaffirm what she thinks of him.

Artwork and jewellery are investments!
If she had spent it all on travelling and parties it would be a different matter.

He is a little bit jealous because he can’t bring himself to do something like it, but it’s a lovely thing to do .