DH has fallen out with my DD, because of how she spent her money

[Gianam]

So first of all, I know my DD is in an extremely privileged position, she knows this too.
DD is 25, she was just able to buy a flat with inheritance from her paternal grandparents, no mortgage so she’s set up really well, she didn’t have much left from the inheritance after this and all the associated costs but she felt like it was worth it to have a place that was really hers.

My DH isn’t DDs dad, but when his mum passed away she left DD £20,000, obviously DD didn’t expect anything at all in this situation. His mum had also left her a lovely letter telling her to use the money for something fun, and telling her how much respect she had for her.

DD used the money for a few things but notable £4500 on a piece of art for her new flat, some jewellery, paying a friend to paint her old snowboard to hang in her new flat and then some has gone towards her snowboarding trip in February.

I think this is exactly how his mother wanted the money to be spent, these aren’t clothes that will be out of fashion in a year but legacy pieces she can hold onto forever. DH thinks it was frivolous, spoiled and privileged spending and putting £4500 on art and similar amounts on jewellery is ridiculous. He has now said he won’t talk to DD as his mother would feel the money had been wasted.

I think he’s been utterly ridiculous, she hasn’t pissed it all on drink or random clothes. I think she’s been quite sensible and was told to use it for fun!

AIBU to think DH is being a bit of a prick with his reaction!

He sounds jealous of your daughter

He’s jealous. She is fully set up at a young age and has the joy of spending money on fun things. The money his mother left him has went in bills and debt. He is wrong to take his resentments out on your DD and it should be pointed out to him that his jealousy is very unbecoming. Bereaved or not he should be happy that his mother loved your DD and chose to support and bless her life even further.

He’s mad because as he sees it; she’s spent money that should have been his.
He’s a prick.

Your husband is being a complete prick. Whether or not what she did with the money was 'sensible' is neither here nor there (though 'sensible' for somebody that already owns a property outright can be very different from 'sensible' for somebody still saving to get their own place). It was her money and she was even instructed by the person who gave it to her to do pretty much what she has done. Fuck all to do with your husband.

This would be my guess too. Especially as she had her inheritance from her grandparents. He’s jealous and looking for an excuse to be angry.

Good for her. He's being unreasonable.

Very likely. And very unattractive.

She already has a mortgage-free property.

And I’d say art and jewellery is a far better buy than a car (which just depreciates) or a wedding (spending £20k on one day really is an extravagance)

I do understand but in DDs case she went to uni abroad on a full scholarship so no uni debt, she doesn’t drive, doesn’t plan to drive, lives in an area where driving is just inconvenient compared to public transport, doesn’t need a deposit as already owns outright, works and earns well, is paying into her pension and well for wedding she’d have to be in relationship first, which she isn’t! Obviously savings can always be added to but surely at some point you have to live for today not always for a tomorrow you can’t even guarantee seeing? It would be awful if we always saved for tomorrow and life just passed us by in the meantime!

It sounds like she has a sense of her own finances. £4k on art is only ridiculous if you can’t afford to spend it.

She spent an initial inheritance on buying a home outright, and has already put £20k away just this year alone. That she spent an amount you personally balk at on something she enjoys does not make her either frivolous or ‘silly’ with money.

Must be how the other half lives! Imagine inheriting £20K at such an age and before that, inheriting enough to buy a place fully paid off. Wow is all I can say. Thanks for the day dreams today.

Your daughter sounds refreshing and sensible. And while a peach sapphire belly bar is a bit ridiculous, everyone is a bit ridiculous when they were young! And it’s still not a waste, as when she’s older she can always repurpose the stone into a necklace or ring or something. Tell your DH he’s a knob. I wouldn’t stand for anyone ignoring my daughter.

You know that close relatives have died. Someone said that about our inheritance and although we are lucky that DHs parents bought their house in Streatham DH has lost both of his parents at 47

The thing about gifts of money is you can't really control how they are spent. You can't say "you must only spend this money on this or that thing" it's unreasonable.

I think your DH has deeper issues here. Whatever those may be. Maybe this is just misdirected grief.

Don't worry there are always some posters who think spending money on anything they don't value is bonkers and you should save then even if you already have loads, just look at some handbag threads on Style & Beauty board.

I did think oh that’s a bold choice and quite frivolous but then it occurred to me that she genuinely loves having it and some day she won’t want the piercing in anymore and look back and just be glad she had fun with it for a while. I’d rather she spent it on something that she genuinely loved in the moment than wasting it on something that others say she should but not really enjoy.

Has your daughter always been in a significantly better financial position compared to his son, and is this likely to continue to be the case? If so, I wonder if there have been previous instances of him expressing resentment towards her.

Good for your daughter btw. She’s done absolutely nothing wrong, and she’s right that this is his problem, not hers.

Personally I think spending 20k on a wedding is infinitely more of a waste than buying meaningful things you can treasure for a long time. It’s a good job adults can spend their money however they like isn’t it!

No not really, I’d say our children grew up in very similar financial situations. DD went to international schools, his son went to expensive private schools etc. I think the difference has been more pronounced now as DD was the only grandchild on her paternal line where as his DS had lots of cousins so a similar amount of money got divided into being a lot less on the individual level. DD also just avoided things like student debt through scholarships and is now in a pretty high earning career while his DS stayed in the uk and doesn’t want to move away from his home town so is limited career wise.

Not sure about art but 22k24k gold absolutely does. So unless it’s that sort of jewllery not Van Cleef Alhambra or those silly Cartier bracelets then she should be fine.

Sounds like far better things to do for it than save for a wedding as some one suggested above.

She is an adult and free to make her own choices.
She is not financially reliant on anyone else or does not have any debts to pays.
She works and has plenty of time to save for a pension.

Best case scenario is your husband is grieving and lashing out a bit.
Worst case scenario is he is seethingly jealous of your daughter and her life.

She sounds sensible and non dramatic in her response so good for her.

Yes, some people struggle financially and this is an unimaginable stretch for them but I know several people who would spend 20k on a single holiday. People have been different lives.

Then I suspect that’s it. He’s seeing how different their current positions and prospects are in adulthood, and he’s feeling butthurt that his son isn’t in the same position that she is. He may think it was ‘unfair’ that his mother’s assets were split further by her choosing to include your daughter.

Do be aware that his feelings may continue to fester. That’s he’s choosing not to speak to her for no good reason would suggest those emotions already run deeper than you may anticipate.

Ugh, hate it when people decide to allocate themselves to TEAM X, it sounds so juvenile.

If she had done as you suggested that would have completely contradicted the wishes of the dying woman who left her the money, is that really what you're advocating for?

nothing says "FUN!" like "an HL Active Savings account..."

I am only commenting on OP here no one else’s situation or grief comes into play in my post.

OP is making a lot of comments about a financial angle and it is not a post about bereavement.