DH has fallen out with my DD, because of how she spent her money

[Gianam]

So first of all, I know my DD is in an extremely privileged position, she knows this too.
DD is 25, she was just able to buy a flat with inheritance from her paternal grandparents, no mortgage so she’s set up really well, she didn’t have much left from the inheritance after this and all the associated costs but she felt like it was worth it to have a place that was really hers.

My DH isn’t DDs dad, but when his mum passed away she left DD £20,000, obviously DD didn’t expect anything at all in this situation. His mum had also left her a lovely letter telling her to use the money for something fun, and telling her how much respect she had for her.

DD used the money for a few things but notable £4500 on a piece of art for her new flat, some jewellery, paying a friend to paint her old snowboard to hang in her new flat and then some has gone towards her snowboarding trip in February.

I think this is exactly how his mother wanted the money to be spent, these aren’t clothes that will be out of fashion in a year but legacy pieces she can hold onto forever. DH thinks it was frivolous, spoiled and privileged spending and putting £4500 on art and similar amounts on jewellery is ridiculous. He has now said he won’t talk to DD as his mother would feel the money had been wasted.

I think he’s been utterly ridiculous, she hasn’t pissed it all on drink or random clothes. I think she’s been quite sensible and was told to use it for fun!

AIBU to think DH is being a bit of a prick with his reaction!

I think your DD sounds a very sensible woman. She has spent the money exactly as she was told to by your MIL, on fun things. And she has obviously carefully thought about how she can spend on fun things that she can keep, and act as a reminder of the deceased.

Your stepson could have bought a smaller place and had £20k spending money though. He chose not to. I hope you’ve said to your dd that you think she did exactly the right thing and that he’s behaving like an arsehole.

Give him a break, he’s lost his mum and probably isn’t thinking straight.

She's 25, its no one's business but hers what she spends HER money on. Why on earth does your husband think he has any right have a say or even an opoinion on the matter. Just because the money was eft by his Mum doesn;t make him the guardian of it. If his mum had thought he should decide how that money should be spent, she'd have left it to him.

My dad left my kids a bit of money in his will I have no idea what they spent it on, or if they spent it or saved it. Wouldn't occur to me to ask, its none of my business.

tell your DH to butt out. And if he had debts to pay off with his inheritance, then he's hardly the expert on money management is he ?

DH’s DM bought a piece of art for him shortly before she died (expected death, she knew she didn’t have much longer). It’s one of his most treasured possessions. Your DH is being a twat.

Tbh I’m impressed at her maturity in choosing to invest in art and jewellery! Not sure I wouldn’t have pissed it all away at that age.
He’s being incredibly unreasonable to stop speaking to her over money his own mother left her, and it smacks of jealousy.

Sorry to ask the usual MN question but does he have form for freezing people out who displease him?

He's a complete prat. Even if he disagrees with the way she spent the money, it's hers, not his.

If he wanted his son to have money for fun he could have given him part of his own inheritance instead of saving it.

He's obviously jealous. Maybe his son inherited nothing when your daughter got the money for the flat so he feels it's one sided?

Your daughter has things she can keep, look at and feel the love shown in them. That's not a bad thing.

£4k on a piece of art is absolutely ridiculous and she sounds like she has no sense of money.

I too would be pissed off.

But at the end of the day it’s her money she has wasted and him not wanting to speak to her isn’t going to bring his mum or her money back.

I think it’s great for your DD that she is in a privileged position and I assume you are quite rich which means she will likely always have money to fall back on but I would be a bit concerned that she received this money and felt she had to spend all of it in a short amount of time.
But it may have just been a silly splurge and she could have spent it on drugs etc.

Your MIL left the money to your daughter with the literal instructions to use it for "something fun", which I'd interpret as something that gives her lasting pleasure that she might not have felt she could afford had she not had the inheritance. And MIL left a letter saying how much she respected your daughter. I think the fact that your daughter bought things she'll see every day that remind her of your MIL is really nice and does respect the gift and the memory of the relationship.

But regardless of how the money was spent, does your husband really think his mother would have wanted him to STOP SPEAKING to his stepdaughter/her step granddaughter - who she obviously cared about and appreciated a lot - because idea of "fun" doesn't match his? I'm glad your daughter is resilient enough to shrug this off (and I hope she really is, not just putting on a brave face), but he is being really cruel. I hope it is just a symptom of grief and he'll come to his senses when he can. YANBU at all though - if it were my daughter I imagine I'd be quite upset with my husband on her behalf even if she is more mellow about his reaction.

Where has the OP said she has spent the whole amount?

How long are you with this loser?
And allowing him to treat your daughter poorly?

Yup he’s a twat.

In your opinion it’s ridiculous, but the OP’s daughter clearly doesn’t agree and as it’s her money that’s the important thing.

The money for my DDs flat came from her father’s side who have never even met my step-son so I really hope he doesn’t feel that’s one sided. My parents are still with us but I already know they are planning to leave my step-son something similar to DHs parents did for DD.

While I generally think inheritance should go towards long term financial stability, if the giver had preferences for the use of the money, I think those wishes should be respected if possible.

Your daughter didn’t fritter away the money. She spent it on a few big, indulgent things that she valued and will be able to appreciate for a very long time. That is an excellent use of the money given the parameters

That's pretty shitty calling it child abuse when it clearly isnt

That is where my guesses go to, also
He wanted to make sure she keeps the money so you retrieve some of it somehow

I think she has spent most of it but the jewellery included some custom pieces (DD is obsessed with peach sapphires which aren’t always the easiest to find so I know she got a custom gold and peach sapphire bellybutton bar which I imagine wasn’t super cheap, but she’s in love with it and it’s something she really wanted), but even if she has spent it I think at some point you have to say okay I have savings, I’m investing in my pension but I’m also alive right now and deserve to enjoy this moment not just the future.

Art and jewellery are very good investments long term. Your DD is to be commended for her prudence and mature decision making.

Your husband on the other hand sounds petulant. Is he somewhat jealous that your DD received the money from his mother and it didn’t go to him. Furthermore she received monies from her paternal grandparents which enabled her to buy a property unencumbered at a relatively young age. Is he jealous and resentful that she is in a better position than he was at a similar age.

When my mum died, my dad was still alive, and I didn't expect anything, assuming it would go all to him. However, she left me a personal bequest which came to a few thousand pounds. After I had dipped into this a couple of times for mundane stuff like a sensible winter coat, I realised it was in danger of simply melting away in dribs and drabs with nothing to show. I searched around and bought 2 beautiful pieces of vintage jewellery, a sapphire brooch and a ruby bracelet, which I love, and wear often. Mum loved jewellery, so I felt she would approve. BTW, I had them valued last year, and they have both appreciated in value a lot since I bought them.

Unfair comments for a man who is who is dealing with the loss of his mother and has a different perception of how money should be spent

Art and jewellery ARE an investment that can be cashed in if ever needed. They are a sensible choice in case of emergency, but will be cherished and loved and remember his mother in the meantime.

Surely better that, than sitting in a bank account??

She's clearly financially secure so is in a position to make this decision.

He's being ridicilous. She could have made some much worse financial decisions.

Your DD sounds great and your DH sounds pissy.

I am sorry but I am still team DH. Who blows 20k in this climate on these types of things? Only millionaires. Wedding, a car, house deposit, savings, paying off uni debt - those are the kinds of things one would spend it on. And if the ISA is full, it could have gone into eg an HL Active Savings account for a year on a bond to fill next year’s ISA. If any of my DC inherited 20k and blew it like that we would be quite annoyed. And I consider ourselves relatively well off. Now if you are going to drip feed she is going to get lots more and has a trust fund etc. that is another matter. But 20k is loads! Saving that from a normal salary takes years. So is she in a normalise job or is she in some high flying corporate job where 20k is not considered a lot?