To be a resentful breadwinner

[maw86]

So, the stats are:

• 2 young kids (1.5 and 4)
• Together 8 years, obviously kids together and a mortgage
• I earn over 3 x more than him - a combination of me earning well as a senior city lawyer (I know, cry me a river etc.) and him not so much as a creative
• I work harder (5 days condensed in 4), have more work pressure etc.
• Household expenses are split 75/25
• I pay for extra stuff on top of that like kids clothes and activities on my NWD with the kids
• During second mat leave I ran up credit card debt to keep covering my share of expenses and have the time off, so I'm paying that off and not saving anything
• He's responsible for laundry, weekly groceries shop, washing up, most drop offs, 2 pick ups, energy bill, cleaning ish (we have a cleaner every 2 weeks)
• I'm responsible for everything else. Budgeting, household admin (insurance, car, buying stuff needed in the house), kidmin, weekend plans and booking things, every element of every holiday, bday/xmas plans/presents, 1 NWD with the kids 2 pick ups and flex on drop offs, whatever else we all do to run a home.

I've been resentful for some time and communicated this to him. My resentment is now spreading into generally feeling not supported / looked after / respected in general. Without being too woo woo I feel like he doesn't hold me up and that we're not a partnership. He isn't great at emotional support and I feel like he dampens my spirit rather than lifts it. Our romantic/sex life is non existent. We've been round the houses talking about some of these gripes for years and he wants to do better but isn't hitting the mark. He is a good dad in terms of how he interacts with the kids and is "hands on" to an average level. He isn't mean to me or abusive or violent or anything like that. We get on well, have stuff in common, make each other life etc. but this issue is always brewing.

A good friend had a direct word with me today about whether I really see a future with him - she's worried about me burning out and not having what I deserve and was basically angling for me to leave. Obviously she's biased, in the best way, so I'm here for some neutral views and different opinions. I know I am definitely not alone as a woman carrying the mental load and a disproportionate chunk of household responsibility, so is that just the way it is? Is there something else at play here around missing a kind of masculinity / protector / supporter figure? Am I being taken for a ride or am I a shallow b*tch?!

Bracing myself...

Oh God Im sick of men like this. I've divorced two of them, I deserve better. So do you. They want the moon on a stick and still believe women should do everything for them because they have a penis xxx

Doesn’t sound like you have a relationship worth saving to be blunt, regardless of you being the bread winner

so id leave if it was me

Do you love him? I share a similar situation - and find it hard - but I love my partner and keep trying. I think if the answer was no then I would leave as life is too short.

I had one of these, I spotted it before kids were in the mix and ended it. Unfortunately once you spot these things they are impossible to get over or let go, the only thing that makes it better is if the other party takes your points on board and steps up- mine didn't.

In my situation I would get so upset and frustrated at earning the bulk of the money, doing the build of the house work. He'd see me get upset, but never change. The fact he was fine seeing me so unhappy as long as he was fine was the final nail in the coffin.

Id say your relationship is dead, it's just going to be when you realise it. It isn't that you do all these things, its that he knows you aren't happy with the situation but is too lazy to change because it suits him.

It’s not really about the money, is it, it’s more about the fact you’re not partners.
You know, sometimes we outgrow our partners. Two small children and high pressure jobs are enough to make anyone crack. And you’re not being listened to.
So, what do you want to do?

You sound like you are taking the brunt of keeping the household running. It does sound like hard work. You do sound likely to burn out. However, he sounds like a decent man. Have you tried some counselling together, before resorting to separation. It might be something you can work through together?

He needs to step up. I am self employed and some weeks I can generate serious money but do not lift my head from work. On those weeks I want and need to be fully supported by my husband. I am not going to be out of the house for 13 hours and come home and start life admin or putting on a wash etc.
I would be very resentful in your situation and you need to clearly spell this out to your husband. It just is not fair.

Comes down to what you want. We've had a 75/25 split for the past 30+ years and it works. The absolute last thing I'd want is overt masculinity or a protector / supporter figure though. I'd find that stifling.

It sounds like it isn’t at its heart really about the money situation but more about how he treats you because you say:

’My resentment is now spreading into generally feeling not supported / looked after / respected in general. Without being too woo woo I feel like he doesn't hold me up and that we're not a partnership. He isn't great at emotional support and I feel like he dampens my spirit rather than lifts it. Our romantic/sex life is non existent.’

And your resentment of that situation is being exacerbated by the fact you have an extremely stressful job which pays for him to have a nicer lifestyle than he could otherwise have, whilst also carrying a disproportionate share of the mental load.

I have been here. I actually found a lower paying job because I couldn’t handle the demands of the job plus the demands of home life anymore and told my DH he needed to step up either financially or domestically.

I was married to someone like this - very similar financial split in that i earned 3x him - i swallowed the resentment for years telling myself he made up for it in other ways - until he got lazy with those as well.

IME they can’t change - he isn’t suddenly going to magic up a better paying career. so you either accept that this is how it is and you’ll always be the main earner and your pension will also be funding his retirement or you leave and accept 50/50 custody after you’ve likely had to pay him a significant equity and pension payment

I can’t get past the bit about running up debt whilst you’re on mat leave. Why wasn’t he supporting you, or were you expected to cover your usual 75% of the bills. Doesn’t sound like he’s very supportive or you’re a partnership

Mmm. You quickly say he's responsible for laundry, weekly food shop, washing up and cleaning between the cleaners fortnightly cleans - as if it's nothing. Is he working full time too?

All the cleaning, washing up, shopping and laundry for a family is HUGE amount of grunt work. Maybe if you pitched in and did the dishes or food shop once in a while then he'd have a bit more time to help with your household admin.

Male and female traditional roles have been turned on their head and there's fallout that will take time to work through, hopefully eventually to everyone's benefit.

The worst part for me is that you had to run up debts to cover your larger proportion of expenses whilst you were on maternity for your joint children. Why the hell did that happen? Why aren’t they shared debts.

Oh save yourself now and end it. As long as the kids are kept first priority, move on. He can cocklodge somewhere else.

Though the issues will be what if he gets more custody because you work more hours. And you’d be paying him for the privilege. Then he may get 50% in a divorce. Yuk. 🙈. Not easy.

I guess it depends if you actually want to stay with him and rebuild into something that works for you both.

I assume you actively chose the high paying, high pressure career, super expensive mortgage, a certain number of high outgoings etc when you could downgrade on some of those things and be more comfortable (I don't mean this to sound accusatory, because it's not, just asking you what you are choosing in your life right now). It doesn't sound like change is a possibility on his side given how things are now, so do you want to make changes for both of you to have a life and partnership you enjoy or do you think your partnership is dead in the water and you're better off cutting your losses and going your separate ways because you don't want to have to compromise on things like your career, earnings etc? I also don't think it's a choice you can make alone, so if there's a way you can find or create a "safe space" for you to both air your views and see what you each want and if there's a way forward to build something that works better for the both of you, that would be my first pick. No idea if this makes sense or is helpful.

Yeah, I feel like the DH here clearly does a lot more around the house than the OP - which is fine given that she has a more stressful job - but I don't really understand where her resentment is coming from

This just sounds like a failure from both of them to plan. They should have been saving together for mat leave in advance

Just to say this is all extremely helpful, thanks to everyone who has taken the time. Things like - it didn't even occur to me that the mat leave debt could or should be joint - ! I actually don't even know how much he has in savings. On the flip side I hadn't seriously thought about the prospect of shared custody, especially when the kids are tiny and these years are so short. It does seem like we need to address it all though, whatever that looks like and I need to stop ignoring the niggles.

And yes, he does do more around the house, I accept that and the comments around that too!

On the less tangible stuff, do other people feel emotionally supported and looked after by their partners or is that just romanticized guff and we get our support elsewhere/from ourselves?!

To be honest what was your long term plan with this earlier on? Cause the writing was on the wall for resentment, with such a gap in earnings. I don’t understand why people don’t pursue relationships in their wage bracket to prevent this. Not in a horrible way, but as a creative there might be times where he has zero/low income due to the sporadic nature of his job, so did you ever discuss a contingency for him aside from you covering the bills? Ie can he do anything to increase his wage or upskill? Or pick up work in a different industry until he’s more established?

1. I think most marriages go through phases when one or other partner feels the other isn’t pulling their weight. You need to address that with communication and an honest, joint tally of how the chores are shared out. As PP have said, it may be that he’s making more of a contribution than you realise.
2. Those of us who are higher earners in a marriage sometimes have a tendency to think “Oh, I bring in most of the money, surely my partner should do a disportionate share of everything else?” I’ve certainly fallen into that trap and needed friends/family to give me a bit of a kick. Marriage doesn’t work like that. Sure, a SAHP should probably do most of the housework. But if you’re doing equal hours of paid work, regardless of income, you should probably do equal hours of unpaid work too.
3. [Hard hat on] I don’t really understand how a “senior City lawyer” can be that hard working on a compressed five days in four arrangement. Most City lawyers I know do 12+ hours a day plus weekend work. If you’re only doing, say, 40 hours over four days, and still paid enough to outearn your husband by a factor of three, that sounds pretty cushy to me.

I don't understand. Would anyone be saying this if the woman was the creative making 25% of the household income and doing the cleaning, laundry, food shopping, drop-offs and some pick-ups?

Can you expand on what it is that you resent? You clearly say in your OP that you resent the way you have split responsibilities but on the face of it, it doesn't actually sound especially unfair? You earn more and he does more around the house, that feels like quite a standard arrangement.

I feel like DH and I support each other - I don't feel "looked after" in a one way sense, I look after him in some respects and he looks after me in other ways. Neither of us are very emotionally needy though

I don't think you are doing the bulk of the household chores, not even close. The jobs you listed that are your responsibility aren't daily and life admin is something that can be done pretty easily on lunch breaks etc.
I don't think you should have been getting in debt for maternity leave, he should have been stepping up and supporting you financially if that was possible for him. If not and that was a joint decision to do that he can't be blamed for that.
You have very young children and a high preassure job. Sex life and romance can take a hit at them times, even more so if there is resentment and not equal respect in the relationship. Is that all on your DP or are you not making the effort either?
No one can really say from one post if you 'deserve better'. Based on what you have said I wouldn't have come to that conclusion. It sounds like your DP does a lot. Not everyone has the same earning potential so as long as he is still working hard that can't be held against him. Unless he was out buying luxuries and refusing to help when you got in debt he hasn't really done anything wrong there. The romance and sex life is likely to be down to both of you rather than just on him.