I think you are referring to my list of ‘tank fillers’, which a few people have been shocked by. I can understand why, and I didn’t give full context. (And just to be clear I’m not the OP, I think a few people have merged us!).
A few things to explain further for that situation. First it’s a second marriage- we don’t have young kids so he’s not picking up more of that role. And second, for two years, he’s been choosing not to earn money in ‘less inspiring ways’ a creative like him could, in order to pursue a long term dream- which could bring in a lot at some point, but has brought in almost nothing through that time… (in fact has required significant investment)…and what little comes in goes to his family obligations or those investments. So I am carrying everything financially. In parallel, I’m working a high paid, high pressure job which I would love to give up or downscale, and would be much more able to give up if I weren’t the sole provider….. while also going through peri and feeling my energy and physical wellbeing plummet, but battling on because I have to.
So yes. I do believe in those circumstances I am basically carrying much more load for both of us, and I need to be taken care of in some other way to help me not burn out. Don’t get me wrong- I care for him very actively and am a loving wife on top of providing - I also do all the cooking. I also give him a lot of practical help towards his dream. But for my wellbeing to stay on an even keel and for the relationship to work for me emotionally, I need to feel I’m receiving too. He is not trying to exploit me. He carried a lot of the house and garden work. And He works madly hard towards this dream, and what he creates is incredible, but right now it’s a drain at a time I already feel overstretched. I definitely fulfil his needs - emotionally and practically. And he needs to fulfil mine too.
in terms of the list itself- that was requested. I would love him to instinctively know and just do it- and some times he does, but he was feeling pretty powerless, as he doesn’t have funds of his own- so it rules dates/ nice dinners/ spoiling with presents out. And he was doing stuff to try to help that I actually didn’t find useful in reducing my sense of being drained. I don’t believe in getting pissed off because you are not receiving things you haven’t asked for. Or expecting your partner to read your mind….. or getting burned out and malnourished enough to become angry beyond repair. Much better to help the person help you be happy. So he got the list.
I can understand how it sounded a bit like being an entitled empress on high, thinking I deserved more, but I don’t think it’s really like this. It is about articulating what I need and if he cares enough to meet those needs great (which he does). It also gives us an easy language for understanding each other. When I get overwhelmed and overtired and angry feeling, I simply say “I’m feeling depleted…. My tank is empty”, and he immediately knows what to do “of course. Don’t worry about dinner. Put your feet up. Let me run you a bath… I’ll handle x and y tonight”. I end the night feeling grateful, loved and revived. It works. But it also doesn’t hide that there is an inequity right now. Or that we both don’t want that to last forever.
I do believe and stand by that there needs to be equity in how much people are giving and receiving long term. Practically, financially and emotionally. And if one part of that balance is very skewed in one direction, it helps if the balance is skewed in the other direction in other ways. Or if in one or two years the balance is towards one partner, it flips in future years. I actually hope and expect that his big dreams will pay off (they are realistic, not pie in the sky). And I will be able to retire while he continues to work (which he would want to). But for now, we are both aware that things are skewed and we are both on board with trying to make that not feel too bad.