To be a resentful breadwinner

[maw86]

So, the stats are:

• 2 young kids (1.5 and 4)
• Together 8 years, obviously kids together and a mortgage
• I earn over 3 x more than him - a combination of me earning well as a senior city lawyer (I know, cry me a river etc.) and him not so much as a creative
• I work harder (5 days condensed in 4), have more work pressure etc.
• Household expenses are split 75/25
• I pay for extra stuff on top of that like kids clothes and activities on my NWD with the kids
• During second mat leave I ran up credit card debt to keep covering my share of expenses and have the time off, so I'm paying that off and not saving anything
• He's responsible for laundry, weekly groceries shop, washing up, most drop offs, 2 pick ups, energy bill, cleaning ish (we have a cleaner every 2 weeks)
• I'm responsible for everything else. Budgeting, household admin (insurance, car, buying stuff needed in the house), kidmin, weekend plans and booking things, every element of every holiday, bday/xmas plans/presents, 1 NWD with the kids 2 pick ups and flex on drop offs, whatever else we all do to run a home.

I've been resentful for some time and communicated this to him. My resentment is now spreading into generally feeling not supported / looked after / respected in general. Without being too woo woo I feel like he doesn't hold me up and that we're not a partnership. He isn't great at emotional support and I feel like he dampens my spirit rather than lifts it. Our romantic/sex life is non existent. We've been round the houses talking about some of these gripes for years and he wants to do better but isn't hitting the mark. He is a good dad in terms of how he interacts with the kids and is "hands on" to an average level. He isn't mean to me or abusive or violent or anything like that. We get on well, have stuff in common, make each other life etc. but this issue is always brewing.

A good friend had a direct word with me today about whether I really see a future with him - she's worried about me burning out and not having what I deserve and was basically angling for me to leave. Obviously she's biased, in the best way, so I'm here for some neutral views and different opinions. I know I am definitely not alone as a woman carrying the mental load and a disproportionate chunk of household responsibility, so is that just the way it is? Is there something else at play here around missing a kind of masculinity / protector / supporter figure? Am I being taken for a ride or am I a shallow b*tch?!

Bracing myself...

The other thing I would say about your household labour split is that I would say you have all of the more fun jobs.

Cooking is more creativity, you get instant thanks when you bring it to the table, etc.. not so much the washing up.

Buying Christmas presents and planning holidays and days is way more fun than making sure everyone has clean pants.

Now you do have a couple of dull things in your list too like insurance and stuff but overall, I would absolutely take your list over his.

Similarly he does more of the drop offs - getting the kids out the door, I would argue is generally a lot less fun than being the one they run to after nursery..

You also go into a lot of detail on your own list but less so on his - it's probably worth reflecting on whether you are missing things he is doing.

Would you want to swap with him? That is a good litmus test of fairness

Just keep in mind being a single mum is bloody hard work. Currently you have his wage coming into the house even if less, he takes on a caring role with the children along side you. He does the food shop and other chores.

You’d have to manage the house on less money, have no headspace away from the children, have to do what you do now plus more and juggle more around the children.

I’d probably sit down and make him aware that you are finding things tough and make a plan. It is hard on a relationship when children are little, you both work and both feel burned out.

OP probably currently has more pocket money than her husband. If she earns 3x more, 75/25 is the least OP should contribute imo. If she earns £90k and he earns £30k (£7.5k and £2.5k a month), and monthly bills are £5k/m, that split would leave them with £3,750 and £1,250 fun money each. That's huge.

I wouldn't choose to be with a man who earns less because women do more housework and childcare leading to resentment, and I'd ideally work part time when children are young rather than him, but I would think much less of any man treating his wife the way OP is.

He does most of the housework by the sounds of it (sorry but if one of the first tasks you mention is insurance, you're not doing that much, it's like including "getting the boiler serviced annually" in your list. It's basically irrelevant).

Marriage is supposed to be a team. Money should be shared and both partners should have an equal quality of life. I would never have a fancy car and clothes while my husband struggled. I've seen men treat their gfs/wives like this, she's earning less and looks after the children more, and he's spending his money golfing and has a big car, and she's stressing about buying food, I think it's appalling.

I think we need more detail really. He seems to do the majority of the household stuff, cleaning , shopping , drop offs etc and I'm always a bit eye rolly when people mention 'admin' in their list ie insurance is an online job that takes ten minutes once or twice a year ,
You mention that he works but don't say what he earns ie if he earns 35k and you earn 100k which isn't terrible. You also don't say how many hours he works . Does he work full time? If he works full time and does the majority kd the house stuff and earns an average enough salary then I think that's fair enough.
I presume you always knew that you would out earn him and you still chose to be with him and have kids with him? I think you need to have a real think about what the issue is, have you just gone off him ( which is a reason in it itself) or is it about the money ( if it's this you'll both me poorer if you split up.

What does more emotional support look like to you? You say he wants to do better so that's positive.

Bluntly with such small kids involved in this, I think you both owe it to them to try hard to make it work for ye as well as them.

Sounds like he does his fair share of the housework, but not good at the life admin, which to be fair is typical of most mens, sounds like this would be more acceptable to you if he was the main earner but you knew this wasn't the case when you had children. Life with kids at that age is tiring no matter the circumstances and something always has to give. Maybe cut your hours, adjust your budget have less weekend plans and holidays and find a better work life balance.

If a man had posted this thread, he would have had his behind handed on a plate to him.

The DH does 80% of drop offs and pick ups, weekly shopping ( who does the cooking - feel sure Op would have mentioned if it was her) and cleaning. The financial split agreed sounds like it was put in initially for her benefit to keep more disposable income. With young DCs it’s normal for each side to feel a bit bitter and resentful ( or maybe that was just me and DH) when you’re in the trenches and DC are young.

Thank you. I needed to hear that. You do end up
questioning yourself. I am a little trapped as he’s exceptionally ‘helpful’ to my whole family. But I’ve set myself a deadline for January. And I will
Stick to it. Thank you

I haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if someone has shared this already but I wonder if the resentment stems from this….

If roles were reversed and the Dad had the “big” job that provided the most financially and you were either a sahm or working more part time or flexibility then I imagine you’d be doing everything you do now in terms of life admin and childcare plus so much for of the practical domestic stuff too. Doing the thinking and planning for a family is huge and Mums never seem to escape this even when they are doing the heavy lifting financially in their families. Good luck OP.

The gap in earnings could be repeated the other way round for a lot of women. If the men all came on here saying what you are they’d be bastards for not supporting their wife who does more at home etc. you’ve said your husband does that and is a hands on dad. All to be valued. Because you earn more doesn’t mean he should be giving you sexually what you want when you want it is what the usual responses from MN would be. But let’s face it, you should be sexually compatible, have a laugh and like each other. That’s what makes a marriage work. Not who earns the most having their needs met. I think that you have muddied the water with your financial comments and actually it doesn’t sound like your marriage is in good shape. Nothing to do with who is earning what.

I think with two young kids and a tough job, you're at the toughest point of your life and you should throw yourself into the relationship rather than out of it just because you're feeling dissatisfied.

Sure, you may split anyway, but you have kids and so it's about more than just how you feel. I'm quite cross that you're friend is encouraging you to make a drastic life change rather than being a sounding board.

I'm not saying you need to be happy with your lot, far from it. But take a lot hard, clinical look at what life would be like if you broke up. You'd have the extra chores, and he does enough to fight for 50% plus custody (he could reduce his hours for school age in a way that you can't). Youd also both be away from the kids half the week and missing them/them missing you, paying more for housing etc.

So my advice is to sit tight until the kids are in school at least. By chance, has your friend recently ended a relationship or got married, experienced a bereavement or some other experience that could be making her encourage her friends to seize the moment?

I'd also suggest booking some annual leave and keeping some weekends free because there is every chance that as well as this being a tough point, you're just knackered. You might say you can't because XYZ but nobody ever feels worse for taking a break and it sounds like you need it now.

My thought for you is whether your relationship gets enough time. Not necessarily an expensive date night - just a couple of hours out of the house to be a couple. No domestic discussion allowed. It’s hard with two little ones. Suspect you don’t have family locally - but could you get a babysitter once a month?

The mat leave debt was so that I could have a few more months off with my second and I wouldn't change that, but I'm re-evaluating why I'm the only one paying it back.

@maw86 I’m with your friend, actually. I can’t see what he does to contribute to your partnership. He does some things minimally such as cleaning, but you don’t like cleaning so you’re overly grateful for the minimal stuff he does, and overlook that he doesn’t do that much really.

His complete lack of thought about paying for extended leave for you to be with HIS child is jaw-dropping. And part of this pattern.

You love being with your DC (who wouldn’t?) so again, you overlook his deficiency there.

Your confusion about why you’re resentful might be because he’s happy to live off your salary, but on the other hand, not prepared to shake up other aspects of the male role he takes for granted ie that his domestic life is taken care of for him.

So he gets to have the fulfilling creative hobby job of many women who are married to high earning men, but doesn’t take on the rest of the stereotypical “female” role.

You are still socialised into femininity and live in a society which punishes women for questioning whether their husbands do enough, and also requires women to be high achievers in their careers but still be perfect housewives and mothers.

i think you’re caught in that contradiction and your partner has noooooo idea. His life is accommodated and his needs are well-looked after. Yours are not, but I wonder if you feel guilty to even feel the right to have needs of support and partnership?

Wow @Plugsocketrocket that is an amazing insight. In a paragraph you’ve made me understand something from my relationship history. So thank you!

And I think you’ve nailed t,he dynamic in @maw86 ‘s relationship- she’s normalised her over and his under-functioning and now feels guilty for resenting his underfunctioning.

Um, folks, she hasn’t yet said what salaries they are on but if she is earning big City money, so about £150k or more then he is earning around £40 k or more which not to be sneezed at. Most of the NHS staff are on this sort of money. Or other government jobs like civil service or even working in a bank
She hasn’t yet said not said he has a creative hobby job, so where this has come from is baffling me
He is not underachieving by normal standards.
And he is pulling his weight at home. At a time when kids need the most input and at the same time sleep the least.
They do need to reset how they manage their finances to a one pot plus spends and then have a game of Fair Play.
He is not underachieving and is not lazy.
What on earth is she expecting from him?

My husband is breadwinner and earns 5 times more than me - I only work part-time: I do all life admin - we have a lovely life because of his work and I recognise it’s really full on. He still does bedtimes in the week if he’s home and is fully involved in everything house and kid related at the weekend but I literally do everything else and I think it’s a fair partnership. He pays the mortgage for instance but I make sure we are on the best deal for house insurance. He pays for car but likewise I’m responsible for organising services / MOR etc. I’d be absolutely fuming if I were you. My friend is in similar position (also a lawyer) and I don’t know how much longer she can cope with it as he takes the piss - she does everything.

A 40k salary in other parts may be fine but in London absolutely not pocket change. Also her 150k is the absolute minimum you would need to get by in London. You’re focusing on gross. Net is everything after pension, tax and other outgoings.

The issue here is that OP has lost respect for her husband because he was unreliable for her when she needed him the most. She became a mother and he should have stepped in and eased her burden by contributing more financially. That may have been impossible because the dynamics were set from the beginning when she decided to marry a low earner to her.

@BluntPlumHam
she said it hadn’t occurred to her to split the cost of the mat leave living costs, so just who is responsible for bringing this up and starting the discussion,.

it should have been them both, so she is as much to blame for the conversation not happening as him. And that seems to be the underlying concern, they don’t actually talk to each other and Plan out what is happening and what needs to happen.

If my estimate of £150k is low, then it increases his salary by the same…… he is earning a full time wage in a low wage job. Just like most normal people.

Totally agree. Women for years have wanted better paid jobs, equality and financial independence then we moan when we have it.

I earn more than my creative partner. I’m not on huge money (earn 42k) but it’s more than my husband. We brought a house below the top of what we could afford so me and my partner split the bills 50/50 to stop this resentment. This means I have money left over to spend on nice things for me or put in to savings.

OP you chose to live a life where your partner can only afford 25% of the bills and knew this would be the case so why make that decision?

He may not be doing as much as you want but compared to some men described in here, he is helping and contributing.

The responses on this thread are fascinating.

I cannot for one second imagine a man in a stressful high-paying job, with a much lower paid partner, doing all the budgeting, admin, planning for the children, Christmas, birthday and holiday planning and a significant portion of the childcare.

It just wouldn't happen.

Yet the OP, who had to subsidise her own mat leave with credit cards, does all of that and is still supposed to be grateful to a man who does basic chores but no thinking. I would put big money on the 'cleaning-ish' being very very rudimentary indeed, as in, a brief sweep of the floors and wipe of the counters. The OP also said that she plans all the food. Her partner basically does none of the house management whatsoever.

OP, you're frustrated and burnt out because you're doing a very heavy paid job and all the household planning at the same time. That's hard. It also seems like you and your partner have become very separate - you've lost touch with each other, there's no connection there. Is that fair to say?

The 'compared to some men...' line infuriates me. Basically you should expect men to serve you steaming shit, so if you get slightly less mouldy shit, eat it and be grateful.

Aren't men ashamed that this is how they are seen?

Thank god you're not married! If the relationship is falling apart for whatever reason, at least you won't be paying for him to sponge off you for the rest of your life.

His career - he's never going to earn loads so you need to accept that. You may need to dig deep and explore your expectations of a partner. What did your parents role model? A stay at home mum and a Dad who provided? I watched my cousin's relationship fall apart because she just couldn't respect her husband earning less and being more primary carer.

You have two very young children - a natural disaster point, leaving most relationships wondering what hit them - and you're also at a point in your career where you're either partner / up for partnership / close to it, with all the demands that entails. Your life sounds very demanding. Is now a good time to decide anything?

You say you get on - is there any possibility of recharging your relationship and going out with just you two? It's very easy (and dangerous) to deprioritise your partner relationship

For what it's worth MANY highly successful female lawyers have a stay at home husband.

Costs split sounds fair to me. So does the spread of household/family chores. Yabu imo griping about that.
yanbu about the sex life. For me If there were not the joy and closeness of that, then it would make the relationship hard going (and it is hard going working with small children anyway) I’d focus on working on that and the rest might become less bleak.

The money issue has you resentful but I question how people even get together at all when they can't even have basic conversations about money and who pays for what.

Seems like he is doing the majority of the sort of low level domestic stuff that is a PITA and incredibly dull.

We do this as a couple.

Each is responsible for each others sides of the family birthday and Christmas gifts plus cards, if he forgets then just tough if MIL gets sweet FA on her day.

Deep down you just don’t like him anymore, thats the bottom line and whilst the not sharing of tasks is annoying you I think it’s him being a low earner that’s the main issue.You have done the classic heart over head when people get together.

Start talking about it over a series of many weeks there is no way being resentful can be chatted about in a day and sorted and see where it goes or be prepared to divorce and as a lawyer I’m sure you will know how to get a good divorce lawyer.

Edit sorry assumed you were married, at least that’s easier if you split as the higher earner.

As a London resident I can tell you with certainty that most people here do not earn 150k and it absolutely isn’t the minimum you need to get by, ffs 😂