To be a resentful breadwinner

[maw86]

So, the stats are:

• 2 young kids (1.5 and 4)
• Together 8 years, obviously kids together and a mortgage
• I earn over 3 x more than him - a combination of me earning well as a senior city lawyer (I know, cry me a river etc.) and him not so much as a creative
• I work harder (5 days condensed in 4), have more work pressure etc.
• Household expenses are split 75/25
• I pay for extra stuff on top of that like kids clothes and activities on my NWD with the kids
• During second mat leave I ran up credit card debt to keep covering my share of expenses and have the time off, so I'm paying that off and not saving anything
• He's responsible for laundry, weekly groceries shop, washing up, most drop offs, 2 pick ups, energy bill, cleaning ish (we have a cleaner every 2 weeks)
• I'm responsible for everything else. Budgeting, household admin (insurance, car, buying stuff needed in the house), kidmin, weekend plans and booking things, every element of every holiday, bday/xmas plans/presents, 1 NWD with the kids 2 pick ups and flex on drop offs, whatever else we all do to run a home.

I've been resentful for some time and communicated this to him. My resentment is now spreading into generally feeling not supported / looked after / respected in general. Without being too woo woo I feel like he doesn't hold me up and that we're not a partnership. He isn't great at emotional support and I feel like he dampens my spirit rather than lifts it. Our romantic/sex life is non existent. We've been round the houses talking about some of these gripes for years and he wants to do better but isn't hitting the mark. He is a good dad in terms of how he interacts with the kids and is "hands on" to an average level. He isn't mean to me or abusive or violent or anything like that. We get on well, have stuff in common, make each other life etc. but this issue is always brewing.

A good friend had a direct word with me today about whether I really see a future with him - she's worried about me burning out and not having what I deserve and was basically angling for me to leave. Obviously she's biased, in the best way, so I'm here for some neutral views and different opinions. I know I am definitely not alone as a woman carrying the mental load and a disproportionate chunk of household responsibility, so is that just the way it is? Is there something else at play here around missing a kind of masculinity / protector / supporter figure? Am I being taken for a ride or am I a shallow b*tch?!

Bracing myself...

My husband does give me emotional support. Sometimes there have been difficulties but knowing he comes home on time after work, doing what he does in the home, with the children, appeases me, so I don't need support from anywhere else

but also I am self trained to self support. I discovered this by observing my mind and emotions relation and there is relation. If you think negatively, you start feeling rubbish

however, your life is your life and you should decide what is true negativity and where your husband is really rubbish helper or a decent man but a bit aloof due to his creativity

why the sex is dead if I dare ask ?

I don't feel looked after. I have no desire to be looked after, I want an equal adult relationship. I get emotional support when going through difficult times, bereavement etc but that isn't often and it isn't all from my DH, it's from friends and work colleagues just as much. I have a stressful job, support in terms of that comes from my colleagues and manager. My DH could never understand the stress at work as he isn't in my field.

I just don't get this completely seperate finances thing. Of course when it is 'your money' and 'his money' you get resentments. But when it is 'our money', the family has enough coming in and enough savings or not etc. And that "maternity debt" is a household expense to be managed together.

A deep breath and a some maturity needed. Pay is an abitrary figure based on societal values, not a measure of how hard someone works or their intrinsic worth as a person.

When you stop measuring you personal worth through salary, you might be less resentful and more of a team.

Op I think you need to look at what you spend and if it’s necessary- you act like you’re in a great paying job but then why would you be so in debt? I don’t know that housework wise you’re as beaten down as you think- he sounds like he does his fair share and you do the things that women generally take charge of (I like doing presents, party planning etc, and if you’re the non creative you’ll gravitate to eg doing the car insurance etc).

My dh was as bitter as you sound, he hated that I worked less hours, didn’t earn vlose to him so he felt the pressure, he decided that I got to spend time with the kids and so he felt kind of whipped, I thought he’s so lucky he’ll always have financial freedom I never will!!

you need to talk it out with him but with suggestions. You married someone you must have known was never going to outearn you- this has to be about feelings and your future.

Similar situation here - except I’m not a high earner. Just self employed. But he is not working. Waiting to be offered occasional handyman jobs.
its completely off putting. He won’t talk about it. If I bring it up he says he didn’t realise I was mercenary.

He does far more around the house than she does. How is this situation unfair on the OP?

So women who work part time and earn less “have the luxury of a hobby job” do they? How does him doing the laundry, cooking and most of the school runs = him not pulling his weight? As for the debt on mat leave I agree with PP that it’s bad planning on both of their parts and it also sounds like they have separate finances.

I’m not sure how you’ve reached the conclusion that he’s in the wrong. I can’t see what’s unfair about what OP’s described.

I wondered about this too?

This is awful. He should be applying for every job he can. The supermarkets have a lot of jobs at the moment here in the run up to Christmas.

I hope you’re not trapped with this loser!

What you need to ask yourself is- if I split, will life get harder ? (Ie replacing one set of problems with potentially even more problems , albeit different ones)

This is only my perspective, and I’m perhaps open to being criticised that I see everything through sex-coloured glasses, but what happened to your sex life?

The wonderful Pruni, late of this parish (maybe she’s still around but I don’t think so) once said to me ‘it’s hard to stay angry with someone you’re having sex with’ and you sound really angry. Obviously there are a million reasons why sex lives tank with young children (well, ok, about six big ones; exhaustion, touched-out, resentment, disconnection, hormonal contraception/erectile dysfunction and birth injury. Which of the six are you struggling with?) But this is one of the many reasons it is really worth prioritising your sex life.

He’s not perfect and he’s never going to be. Neither are you. But you’re allowed to take a random day off together, have a long bath and go back to bed. Reconnect. Would that be so terrible? Let go of the list of things he’s done wrong and just hang out with the nice guy you married?

Of course there might be a lot of reasons he won’t do that. Then you might have a problem.

Get rid of him before you lose more than half your assets and your house and pension.

Too many messages to respond to but am appreciative of them all, even the ones that are difficult to hear, which was the point of opening it up! Interesting to get different perspectives to my friend.

A couple of clarifications, for context:

• We're not married but agree it's weird our finances aren't more joined.

• I do more of the childcare. He does some drop-offs, and I'm fine with that split, I enjoy the childcare.
• His domestic chores have, I think, been inflated in comments, e.g. I do the cooking, he does the weekly shop online based on a list that I prepare, his cleaning between the cleaner is minimal (I'm fine with that) etc. but I do take the point that I have underestimated his contribution and I hate housework so am glad it's off my plate!
• I work harder primarily in terms of hours and also stress, which he acknowledges.
• Yes, my financial management leaves a lot to be desired. Ironically he's much better with money than I am. The mat leave debt was so that I could have a few more months off with my second and I wouldn't change that, but I'm re-evaluating why I'm the only one paying it back.

The points that have been made about me being confused and it being a bit of an incoherent mishmash are bang on - I can't answer what the main thing is that's bothering me and why. So that's been an eye opener in itself. I do agree that I'm by no means whiter than white and there's scope here for us to be kinder to each other to get to the team / partnership dynamic I feel is missing. I guess it's balancing that with flogging a dead horse and weighing up what's best for the kids.

Thanks again for contributions.

When pervasive resentment enters the mix in a relationship, it’s pointless asking whether it’s reasonable or unreasonable. It just is. And it won’t go away even if everyone tells you that it’s unreasonable.

You can no more change it than you can force yourself to be attracted to someone. (And once it’s there, it will destroy sexual attraction - as I think you have found out.)

Personally I don’t think most women are attracted to men who come across as weaker than them- at least not when they have children. (You don’t need another child.) This is a stage in life at which the ‘strong protector’ figure is most attractive, and the weaker seeming man a massive turn off.

The male lower earner in a relationship is not necessarily the weaker party - but the way you are describing your partner does not make it sound as though he has any of the other characteristics that would make him appear strong despite his lower income. (You make him sound a bit wet- which of course may not be true at all, but the point is that this view of him is what leaking out from you, which is what matters.)

If you accept this resentment is here to stay, what can you do?

You can leave him. You’ll need legal advice!

You can stay with him and try to suck it up. Swallow the resentment! If you do this, there is a high likelihood though that you’ll have an affair- because it’s absolutely natural to long for what is missing in your relationship- and you may well be working with men who do come across as ‘stronger’ and more dominant. This could get very messy. (I say this because I am oldish now and have seen this happen….quite a lot. People can only suppress so much.)

I can’t think of a third option!

I’m sorry to be negative. But I think the pattern you are describing is a familiar sad one. I don’t think men realise the negative consequences for their relationships of taking a back seat to their wives in career & financial terms - the way it kills respect and sexual attraction.

I really do not think the man doing the laundry while his wife pays 75% of the bills gets women’s hearts beating, I’m afraid.

Also if you are a hotshot lawyer with a salary to match, then his lesser salary is probably just a normal average wage. Everyone here is assuming he is some kind of deadbeat who earns pennies tinkering in a creative job. He works, he's a good dad, he more than pulls his weight around the house.
I'm not sure why everyone is coming down on your side, it's not often I see the man's perspective, but I seriously don't see your issue here.
If money was so important to you, then you should have made that clear from the start.

Always earned more than a partner, never been an issue.

One thing I learned from my last relationship and through therapy was that sex is the barometer by which men measure the health of a relationship and if they’re not getting sex, find it difficult to emotionally support their partner. It’s the whole “men talk to women to have sex with them”. Your DH probably feels like he doesn’t need to emotionally support you because his needs aren’t being met either.

The solution isn’t to have sex you don’t want to have (absolutely not - this nearly destroyed me) but it is to have an honest conversation about how you are going to overcome this clear incompatibility, and whether breaking up is the best option for both of you.

It sounds like you are struggling with work and small dc which is normal.

Also if you are a hotshot lawyer with a salary to match, then his lesser salary is probably just a normal average wage. Everyone here is assuming he is some kind of deadbeat who earns pennies tinkering in a creative job. He works, he's a good dad, he more than pulls his weight around the house.

Yes, everyone seems to assume he has a hobby job etc but a senior city lawyer will outearn most professions.

I dunno. I was the breadwinner for a while. I didn’t adore it because it was stressful and by the end we had so much insurance the filing cabinet was bulging, but man I liked having some control and bringing home the bacon, and tbh coming home to a meal on the table. I think it’s very reductive to assume all women struggle with being the main earner.

Of course you don’t come home to a meal, you cook it. It seems quite common on here that female breadwinners hang onto the cooking and even seem to find it hard to give up and may not even want their partner to take it over. Not sure why.

Speak for yourself. I’ve always purposely dated men who earned less and did more domestic stuff because a) I hate housework and b) I like being the one with the financial power and knowing I don’t need a partner’s money to maintain my lifestyle. I can’t think of anything worse than an “alpha” male

This and he does seem to do a higher proportion of cc, drop offs etc.
In a marriage it shouldn't be relevant re
Who is earning more.
What if he was the higher earner and roles were reversed?

This

Why did you marry him op? Sounds like you want a provider so you can take a step back and take a breather. Is he about to do that ? If not then it’s time to look into separating.

Speak for yourself because I was in op’s situation and absolutely no way would I date or entertain marrying a man who earns below
me. It’s too risky for a high earning woman to do that in my view. You need a provider mindset for reliability and not someone looking to live off of you. Btw men who are high earners can and do pull their weight domestically.

The other thing to look at is the OP has greater lifelong potential earning than her DP, but only if the setup supports that. And the big danger is that she burns out, goes part time, drops another day, and then the whole family income is threatened. And with a child under 2, there are still a couple of years to go until a school routine gets established. So @maw86 you may need to invest now in buying in more help, because you will always be the higher earner, by dint of your respective chosen careers, and unless you address the resentment now, everything will turn sour. So unless you were to sit down together, ask, in two years, when youngest is 3.5, what does our best life look like, how do we do it, and what needs to change, you’ll trundle along unhappily.