To be a resentful breadwinner

[maw86]

So, the stats are:

• 2 young kids (1.5 and 4)
• Together 8 years, obviously kids together and a mortgage
• I earn over 3 x more than him - a combination of me earning well as a senior city lawyer (I know, cry me a river etc.) and him not so much as a creative
• I work harder (5 days condensed in 4), have more work pressure etc.
• Household expenses are split 75/25
• I pay for extra stuff on top of that like kids clothes and activities on my NWD with the kids
• During second mat leave I ran up credit card debt to keep covering my share of expenses and have the time off, so I'm paying that off and not saving anything
• He's responsible for laundry, weekly groceries shop, washing up, most drop offs, 2 pick ups, energy bill, cleaning ish (we have a cleaner every 2 weeks)
• I'm responsible for everything else. Budgeting, household admin (insurance, car, buying stuff needed in the house), kidmin, weekend plans and booking things, every element of every holiday, bday/xmas plans/presents, 1 NWD with the kids 2 pick ups and flex on drop offs, whatever else we all do to run a home.

I've been resentful for some time and communicated this to him. My resentment is now spreading into generally feeling not supported / looked after / respected in general. Without being too woo woo I feel like he doesn't hold me up and that we're not a partnership. He isn't great at emotional support and I feel like he dampens my spirit rather than lifts it. Our romantic/sex life is non existent. We've been round the houses talking about some of these gripes for years and he wants to do better but isn't hitting the mark. He is a good dad in terms of how he interacts with the kids and is "hands on" to an average level. He isn't mean to me or abusive or violent or anything like that. We get on well, have stuff in common, make each other life etc. but this issue is always brewing.

A good friend had a direct word with me today about whether I really see a future with him - she's worried about me burning out and not having what I deserve and was basically angling for me to leave. Obviously she's biased, in the best way, so I'm here for some neutral views and different opinions. I know I am definitely not alone as a woman carrying the mental load and a disproportionate chunk of household responsibility, so is that just the way it is? Is there something else at play here around missing a kind of masculinity / protector / supporter figure? Am I being taken for a ride or am I a shallow b*tch?!

Bracing myself...

I have a similar wage gap, DH works 4 days a week, I do 5. I don't resent him but we had serious words when DS1 went to school and I said enough to me doing the kids mental load.

Now we divide it up, take it in turns doing clothes shopping, kids party presents etc. I still have to say around Oct right what are we doing for Xmas but he gets on with the list.

He also didn't realise the stress and how much I was spending on the kids. So now everything comes out of the joint account for the kids and we re-examine the budget together every 2-3 months.

Holidays we do split 50/50 rather then on ratio.

Definitely found sorting the practicality aspects reduced my stress and we got back to enjoying ourselves more. Being an Ostrich and resenting will lead to breakdown. Open those communication lines but do it with practical back up.

@maw86 it's not clear what you're looking for. Do you want him to hold you when you cry? Talk about/ ask about your feelings? More tenderness/cuddles/sex? It would be good if you could verbalise what it is you lack- especially to him because, just like us, he's not a mindreader...

Do you really think they'd have a better marriage if he had a high flying career too? Then they could argue about who's turn it was to do everything - nursery drop offs/pick ups, taking time off for a sick child, doing the laundry....

Is your relationship the issue or are you just burnt out from work?

Its not his fault that you out-earn him.
Half the people on here are on this situation.

What is it specifically that you aren’t happy with him about?

Could you reduce your hours and see if that helps?

I agree with this. I work four days a week compared to my husband’s five days a week and I do all the stuff your husband does in terms of cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. I easily spend 20 hours a week on all this (probably two hours a day cooking and cleaning up, three hours a week shopping, three hours doing laundry and ironing) so isn’t it possible your husband is doing this too? The real issue is that you don’t seem to love him anymore which is very different.

They'd say the man needs to step up and take on more of the household chores!

I don’t think would OP be saying the exact same if her husband earned 3x more than her, she might feel the balance is fairer given she doesn’t have the entire household finances on her shoulders. Presumably the household couldn’t live off his income, so that might make OP feel pressured to maintain this job/career when she might want to pursue other options. Also they might be able to afford more help in terms of cleaners, or childcare in the emergencies you describe.

Ask yourself and be very honest ‘ are our lives better with him being in it?’. If the answer is yes, then you love him. If the answer is no, it’s not worth fighting for.

I mostly agree with you but I struggle with the OP going into personal debt over maternity leave. That’s not sharing the burden is it. Maternity leave is due to birthing and caring for very young babies for BOTH of them. How he went merrily along not contributing more whilst the OPvwas contributing extra in the form of having babies

You’ve mentioned lack of emotional support a couple of times and I think this may be at the heart of the issue (all the stuff around household chores can be worked on in a practical way - but how do you get someone to be supportive).

Maybe get some couples counselling (or just for yourself).

I'm an adult, I don't need looked after? I find this quite odd tbh. Surely he's looking after you by doing all the practical stuff around the house? Emotional support, sure we all need that when going through "stuff" but for the most part don't people just get on with it?

From what you have written he does pull his weight around the house and with the children so I don't really understand where the resentment is coming from on that front. He is contributing to caring for the children and the running of the household, this is just as important and not everyone is capable of earning a high wage. I am the higher earner compared to my DH and I don't hold it against him. In terms of emotional support,yes I do feel emotionally supported by him, he listens and is empathetic. I don't feel any need to be protected or financially supported by a man in the traditional sense. What is it that's really missing from your relationship here, does he not listen to you? Is he dismissive? Do you get much time together?

He’s not pulling his weight. He has the luxury of a hobby job, but he doesn’t then take on the bulk of the home work.

And forcing you to go into debt on your maternity leave is almost obscene.

Do a list of everything that needs to be done to keep all your lives going, then do half of it, and leave the rest for him. See if he notices. Then ask him why he thinks you’ve done that.

Interested to know if this is truly about money, household chores, emotional support, gender roles etc etc. it seems to be a mishmash of all. I think you’re not clear what you’re most angry about OP. I would go to individual therapy to work out the core of what’s upsetting you first. And then possibly joint counselling if you want to stay together

But does he really? From the list in your OP it doesn’t look like it.

Also, how much time do you reach have for yourselves? Do you have free time or hobbies - getting to the gym or the like?

Like other posters I think it’s about love. I am also a breadwinner and find it difficult. It makes me feel less than as a woman, as if I don’t deserve looking after. But if I am really honest, I also like to be in control and don’t like alpha men. I love having a partner who is emotional, gentle, funny, attentive and who is there to support me. I always said I wanted a wife and now I have one!!! I don’t think you can have everything so it’s about really digging deep inside to see what really matters to you and being brutally honest about what you get out of the relationship. If you can find something that he contributes to the relationship and acknowledge that you really need/want that then it is a good antidote to resentment. But I think you have to really love him to get to that point. If you don’t, it won’t work especially while you are bringing up children. Ask yourself if you really want to be a single parent and what you would like for your kids. Maybe think about couples counselling.

Why do you think you work harder if you both work FT?

As I studied in law but never practiced or have a career , I needed a man to be my bread winner, protector etc.

I feel you should have this if you need it, you gave birth and he let you go into debt, this is the part that paints him at least to me in dark colours

Usually when one partner has a demanding job, like you do, the other is giving up a lot of support and prop it up, especially when there are such young children involved. It sounds like he does a lot around the house, as well as most of the childcare, so the emotional support is probably the bigger issue.

Can you reorganise finances, so all in one pot for joint expenses and then a fair amount to each of you for personal spends. You may claim more personal spends as you earn more. But it should be based on take home pay after pensions are paid and not salary as tax makes such a difference at different income levels
All the kids expenses should come from joint account.

Agree with other posters, food planning and food shopping and cooking and laundry are the biggest jobs and to me this seems fair.
Can you afford a cleaner more often if the money is rearranged?

And support is a two way street, you sound like you both need to thank each other for what you do, and actually be kind to each other

Someone has to be the higher earner, it's rare both partners earn the same, some families only one person works. I don't think that is the problem as such. My husband and I earn well, but he is a stable earner and I have risk associated with earning. But we both put in equal share of effort into our careers and all of our money is shared

Your relationship sounds different to that and almost as if you feel as if your stress is subsidising his stress free life. I would pass over some of the mental load jobs to your husband on favour of picking up some of the more physical ones and see if that helps. Also try to give yourself some luxury can be small.but affective to feel the reward of hard work.

The stage yout children are at is stressful so that might be adding to it. Bare with your relationship and see what changes you can make.

The maternity leave thing would piss me off, but what you're really describing is a very pressured life where both of you work very hard, are quite stressed and have very little time for emotional connection.

If your husband works FT and does most of the day-to-day household chores, I'm not immediately clear on why you think he's not pulling his weight. He has more on his plate than a lot of people.

You can't pour from an empty cup, and it sounds like both of your cups are running on low. I've been in your husband's position (demanding job, but earnt much less than my husband so somehow ended up with all the household chores and responsibilities as well, though tbf I also did a lot of the admin) and I ended up with burn-out. After - job, - chores, - kids, there was absolutely nothing left to give my DH. The tank was empty. I was exhausted and depressed. Any spare time I had, I just wanted to sleep and not be touched.

Does he work 5 days a week? What exactly is it that you want from him? Why did the bills situation not change when you were on maternity and your earnings dropped? Why didn't it change to reflect how much each of you were bringing home?

I think the issue here is that you don't feel like a partnership, you're just two people going along. You don't even know if he has no savings or is absolutely loaded, it's all very strange to me.

I think it's worth talking, trying couples' therapy and trying some different ways of organising the load split. It's pretty shit to lose 50% time with your kids-only seeing them every other Christmas etc. what made you fall for him in the first place? If it still doesn't work following tiring couples therapy etc then at least you know you tried everything you could think of to keep your family together.

I agree with this.

I don't the the OP really understands herself why she isn't happy and it's then going to be very hard for her DH to address it as he probably doesn't really understand what is lacking either