Page 9 | To be a resentful breadwinner

CremeBruhlee · 13/10/2025 08:19

I think you have to separate out whether you
have a ‘flatmate issue’ or a ‘relationship issue’ (I heard that on the radio once and it really opened my eyes. If I am honest it seems you have a bit of both. Flatmate issues can be sorted with a bit of a tweak in responsibilities whereas the appreciation does seem like a relationship issue.

What I would say is some of his ‘chores’ do seem like the more drudgery ones and none of them without input from you. This needs to change. It won’t be good for you or for his self esteem. Let him own them fully.

I would suggest using some money for a cleaner every week that does some of your chores. Food boxes that he can cook or at least do the prep of.

While kids are very young I do think the split can be unbalanced in this way. You don’t want to outsource time with them therefore you have a disproportionate balance with a full on job. This will change when hobbies and homework and school illnesses enter the mix and honestly having him with less commitments will be a godsend.

I would have relationship counselling to iron out what you both want as you could nip these issues in the bud while the kids are young.

BananagramBadger · 13/10/2025 08:20

I think the issue is more the emotional side - I have a similar but reversed set up with my husband although he does the laundry as well and works five days. But on the other side of that I do the supportive wife things that it sounds like your husband isn’t doing.

When my job was going quite badly due to horrible personalities in the office, my husband told me to stop telling him about it. He can’t provide emotional support without fixing the problem. I needed someone to just listen.

RedwallMattimeo · 13/10/2025 08:51

As an ex-city solicitor, I think you need to take a step back and think about the beginnings of your relationship. One of the things which attracted DH to me was how strong & capable I was - on the journey home from an early date, it all hit the fan at work and I spent the entire taxi ride and the next 30 mins pulling everything together and sorting it out. Are/were you the same? It turns out my DH isn’t very good at looking after me unless instructed but he is lovely, a great partner and I remember how suffocating I found relationships where I did have boyfriends doing things for me and then expecting me to be grateful. You are in the trenches when it comes to children and have a very stressful job so may have changed and want more nurturing but that doesn’t mean that he can change.
Then there’s the financial aspect of it. Unless he has stepped back from a £££ career, this was always going to be the situation. It probably would have been easier in years gone by as house prices and childcare wouldn’t be so astronomical that your salary would have gone further and you could have had a better quality of life off the hours your working. As it is, I think you have to consider how important your career is to you. If you look around all of the partners at your firm, I expect you will see that all of them with children have a spouse who earns significantly less as they are doing most of the hard graft with school drop offs & pick ups, after school clubs and housework, as your DH is. This is going to only get more complicated next year when your eldest starts school. If they don’t have this set up, then they will have a nanny or other rock solid (and expensive) childcare. So how are you going to make your career work for your family? And if you can’t or don’t want to, then I think it’s time for a bigger discussion about a career change and probably about moving somewhere significantly cheaper.
When it comes to weekends & holidays, I was like you. It’s part of the territory of being a city lawyer I think, always thinking ahead and having a plan. DH isn’t like that so, if I asked him to be in charge of a weekend, we might not do as much as if I’d been in charge and it might all be a bit last minute but that didn’t mean it was wrong. And after turning up at a couple of things and realising they were sold out, he did get better at planning ahead.
Finally, if you separate, how will that actually improve things? You are already resenting the burden you are carrying but the burden of being a single parent is a heavier one. Well, I say that but I’m coming from the premise that you would have the children most of the time and he would have them EOW. Given your set up, I would expect 50/50 or perhaps him having them most of the time and you having them EOW. You are already resenting the burden of the financial strain you’re under but supporting two households is only going to make it tougher.
For now, I think I’d accept that you’re at a brutal stage of having young children, try and have a chat about changing the balance around a few things and hang in there in the hope that things will get easier and you will have more headspace in years to come for each other. My DC are now teens and it’s noticeable how a few of my friends with similar age DC have commented that they actually like their DHs again now that they inevitably have a bit more time together (even if the DC aren’t out, they are in their rooms).

Mumlaplomb · 13/10/2025 09:06

Not sure on this one OP to be honest. If he is working full time and doing his fair share at home then the fact you earn more doesn’t automatically mean he isn’t pulling his weight. If you married a man who had the same job as you presumably you would struggle to keep on top of the load or the childcare etc ?

vickylou78 · 13/10/2025 09:46

Why did you get into so much debt during maternity leave? Didn't you get maternity pay? Surely when on maternity leave you just spend less? We had to scrimp and save for maternity leave and go without for quite a while. I'm not a city lawyer so had no savings at all.

Missj25 · 13/10/2025 09:52

maw86 · 10/10/2025 19:50

So, the stats are:

2 young kids (1.5 and 4)
Together 8 years, obviously kids together and a mortgage
I earn over 3 x more than him - a combination of me earning well as a senior city lawyer (I know, cry me a river etc.) and him not so much as a creative
I work harder (5 days condensed in 4), have more work pressure etc.
Household expenses are split 75/25
I pay for extra stuff on top of that like kids clothes and activities on my NWD with the kids
During second mat leave I ran up credit card debt to keep covering my share of expenses and have the time off, so I'm paying that off and not saving anything
He's responsible for laundry, weekly groceries shop, washing up, most drop offs, 2 pick ups, energy bill, cleaning ish (we have a cleaner every 2 weeks)
I'm responsible for everything else. Budgeting, household admin (insurance, car, buying stuff needed in the house), kidmin, weekend plans and booking things, every element of every holiday, bday/xmas plans/presents, 1 NWD with the kids 2 pick ups and flex on drop offs, whatever else we all do to run a home.

I've been resentful for some time and communicated this to him. My resentment is now spreading into generally feeling not supported / looked after / respected in general. Without being too woo woo I feel like he doesn't hold me up and that we're not a partnership. He isn't great at emotional support and I feel like he dampens my spirit rather than lifts it. Our romantic/sex life is non existent. We've been round the houses talking about some of these gripes for years and he wants to do better but isn't hitting the mark. He is a good dad in terms of how he interacts with the kids and is "hands on" to an average level. He isn't mean to me or abusive or violent or anything like that. We get on well, have stuff in common, make each other life etc. but this issue is always brewing.

A good friend had a direct word with me today about whether I really see a future with him - she's worried about me burning out and not having what I deserve and was basically angling for me to leave. Obviously she's biased, in the best way, so I'm here for some neutral views and different opinions. I know I am definitely not alone as a woman carrying the mental load and a disproportionate chunk of household responsibility, so is that just the way it is? Is there something else at play here around missing a kind of masculinity / protector / supporter figure? Am I being taken for a ride or am I a shallow b*tch?!

Bracing myself...

Hey OP 👋..
Firstly , I don’t think you’re being taken for a ride , he sounds like a decent enough man ..
The thing is though you’re not happy & you’ve conveyed this to him ..
Using the word resentful is never good when you’re talking about your relationship, sure it’s not ? ..
No romance no sex life also obviously not good , two people in love want to show one another love , & I know your kids are young but still when in love no matter what age the kids are you want to be intimate & it just happens..
I’m guessing you’re both young , you guys have young kids ..
You mention you two get on well , so that’s a plus , not like your in the same house & can’t bare it , in which case I’d 💯 say walk away ..
If it was me I’d sit him down & tell him you’re giving separation serious thought & explain how serious this situation is for you .
I don’t know would I walk away yet though without giving it my all , I’d def go for couples counselling, I’d be saying to him “ so ok what are we going to do to try & fix this “ ..
like Intimacy comes back in relationships once the bigger problems are fixed so to speak …
I do think your relationship has a chance with change ..
Best of luck with it all 🤞 x

Jabbathehurt · 13/10/2025 10:01

Just to say that having an idea of how much savings he has is very very useful. The worst case scenario is that the lack of romance and intimacy cannot be clawed back and leading to divorce and you would need to largely pay for a house for him due to the income disparity

BeeKee · 13/10/2025 10:14

PumpkinPieAlibi · 10/10/2025 20:38

I don't understand. Would anyone be saying this if the woman was the creative making 25% of the household income and doing the cleaning, laundry, food shopping, drop-offs and some pick-ups?

But a women in this situation would be doing a million times more than just the cleaning, laundry, food shopping etc.

If a man had a big important job earning 3x as much as his wife, he wouldn't be doing anywhere near as much as the OP does currently.

ParmaVioletTea · 13/10/2025 10:40

BeeKee · 13/10/2025 10:14

But a women in this situation would be doing a million times more than just the cleaning, laundry, food shopping etc.

If a man had a big important job earning 3x as much as his wife, he wouldn't be doing anywhere near as much as the OP does currently.

Edited

Show quote history

This 100%

And why does @maw86 need to write her DH a list of things he can do to support her?

Does her partner to write her a list for supporting him? I very much doubt it.

rookiemere · 13/10/2025 10:46

If the situations were reversed there is no way anyone would be referring to it as just the cleaning, food shopping and 80% of pick up and drop offs.

OP hasn’t clarified who does the cooking, but once that is added in it’s all the main pillars of grunt work required for a young family. Things like organising insurance etc. are once a year tasks that can be defaulted to renew and holiday organisation is optional.

If the OP was a man talking about the division of labour between themselves and their full time working DW, the responses would be very different.

ishimbob · 13/10/2025 10:52

rookiemere · 13/10/2025 10:46

If the situations were reversed there is no way anyone would be referring to it as just the cleaning, food shopping and 80% of pick up and drop offs.

OP hasn’t clarified who does the cooking, but once that is added in it’s all the main pillars of grunt work required for a young family. Things like organising insurance etc. are once a year tasks that can be defaulted to renew and holiday organisation is optional.

If the OP was a man talking about the division of labour between themselves and their full time working DW, the responses would be very different.

She has said she does the cooking in an update

But I do agree overall - the OP has all the "fun" jobs like Xmas shopping and admin tasks that can be done anytime, even her part of the childcare is the fun end of picking them up, not getting them to get their shoes on and leave the house.

The emotional support/appreciation side of things is really hard to judge as it's not very clear that she does a lot of that vice versa, she certainly seems quite dismissive of what he does here

If I were the OP, the thing I would do is take some time to really think about what the issue is. I think it's normal to find having kids this age and working full time stressful, that doesn't mean it's your partner's fault

LilacReader · 13/10/2025 11:01

I was the same when I was with my ex - but did absolutely everything including mowing the lawn, putting the bins out, decorating etc. It's just what naturally happened during the course of my relationship when lack of time and thought happens. I knew I wasn't happy but it wasn't until after I left that my eyes were really opened. I definitely don't want to be back with him but I do wish I had had a backbone and had it out with him years ago. It wasn't to me how little he was doing but that he was happy for me to do it all - if that makes sense?!
Let's be honest, in your situation, you will be much better off than he will so he needs to fight for not only his way of life but also for you to stay. Be straight of what you want going forwards and not mention what has happened in the past. I don't mean brush it under the carpet but focus on what you want from now on. If he can't give it to you, then I would say goodbye.

Snakebite61 · 13/10/2025 12:11

maw86 · 10/10/2025 19:50

So, the stats are:

2 young kids (1.5 and 4)
Together 8 years, obviously kids together and a mortgage
I earn over 3 x more than him - a combination of me earning well as a senior city lawyer (I know, cry me a river etc.) and him not so much as a creative
I work harder (5 days condensed in 4), have more work pressure etc.
Household expenses are split 75/25
I pay for extra stuff on top of that like kids clothes and activities on my NWD with the kids
During second mat leave I ran up credit card debt to keep covering my share of expenses and have the time off, so I'm paying that off and not saving anything
He's responsible for laundry, weekly groceries shop, washing up, most drop offs, 2 pick ups, energy bill, cleaning ish (we have a cleaner every 2 weeks)
I'm responsible for everything else. Budgeting, household admin (insurance, car, buying stuff needed in the house), kidmin, weekend plans and booking things, every element of every holiday, bday/xmas plans/presents, 1 NWD with the kids 2 pick ups and flex on drop offs, whatever else we all do to run a home.

I've been resentful for some time and communicated this to him. My resentment is now spreading into generally feeling not supported / looked after / respected in general. Without being too woo woo I feel like he doesn't hold me up and that we're not a partnership. He isn't great at emotional support and I feel like he dampens my spirit rather than lifts it. Our romantic/sex life is non existent. We've been round the houses talking about some of these gripes for years and he wants to do better but isn't hitting the mark. He is a good dad in terms of how he interacts with the kids and is "hands on" to an average level. He isn't mean to me or abusive or violent or anything like that. We get on well, have stuff in common, make each other life etc. but this issue is always brewing.

A good friend had a direct word with me today about whether I really see a future with him - she's worried about me burning out and not having what I deserve and was basically angling for me to leave. Obviously she's biased, in the best way, so I'm here for some neutral views and different opinions. I know I am definitely not alone as a woman carrying the mental load and a disproportionate chunk of household responsibility, so is that just the way it is? Is there something else at play here around missing a kind of masculinity / protector / supporter figure? Am I being taken for a ride or am I a shallow b*tch?!

Bracing myself...

Definitely shallow. If this was a man talking, there would be hell to pay on here.

mumindoghouse · 13/10/2025 12:52

OP I see you, I feel it, I’ve been in a similar position to you, in the same profession, perhaps with less help from DH.

Those early years are exhausting, and destroy libido and connection due to busyness.

I spent some years really resentful and we struggled. Had some awful rows.

But busyness reduced once kids hit High School. Then you get the teen drama, and I wouldn’t have been without DH in the family home for all the tea in china.

More recently, kids now returning graduates with their own life. That change and a health change saw us struggling again. By now DH earned more than me (not much) and we’d been connecting better after I took a job in a diffferent area of law.

We decided to take some couples counselling. We’d both been unreceptive in the past, but we’ve retirement on the horizon and wanted to see if we could find a better way to address issues.

I wish we’d done this earlier.

She was amazing. For me she recommended several books which also helped, and she challenged me on some of my more rigid but unfair thoughts, as she did DH. You don’t need many sessions, but it’s quite possible for example for both of you to have different ways of expressing your feelings which can lead to not recognising the support your DP believes they are giving you and vice versa. So DH might think his acts of service support you, but you might need touch to feel properly loved etc etc. some people need affirmations, others little gifts.

If counselling isn’t for you you could try “The 5 love languages” by Gary Chapman or “Attached” by Dr Amir Levine or “The Chimp Paradox”. By Prof Steve Peters.

I wish you and your family resolution and happiness going forward.

Original poster

maw86 · 13/10/2025 18:57

Thanks for the input all, lots to think about.

A few clarifications because it's coming up a lot:

He doesn't do 80% of childcare. The kids are with me on Monday, one is with grandma on Tuesday, so he usually does 2 drop-offs (we get them ready together) and 1 pick up. I'm fine with that split but it seems to have been misunderstood by readers.
The mat leave debt: we're talking £5k, nothing astronomical. I didn't have enough savings because between mat leaves, the money I saved went on house renovations to make it more liveable for having 2 tinies. I paid for all the renos myself and did all the running on that while heavily pregnant and working said condensed hours, which is one of many things I'm harboring resentment about (doing all the running on it, not paying for it, that was agreed). I'm paying it back slowly because I'm also trying to save and obviously 2 kids are expensive.
The early days were good, obviously, they always are. I knew there was financial disparity and didn't care when kids weren't in the mix. When money impacts things like how many kids you have, how much you see them, what you do with them etc. it's different. That was naive but isn't hindsight a wonderful thing. Also, he had more pride and drive about his job back then, which offset the finances. 8 years later with £0 payrise in that time and no drive for betterment, financially or creatively.

We had some conversations about some of this stuff over the weekend. Trouble is, we've had this conversation a thousand times before and he promises change that doesn't materialise. We're going to try couples therapy, although time/budget makes it tricky. I refuse to be the one who does the research, figures out how to budget it and makes the appointment...

OP posts:

T1Dmama · 13/10/2025 19:20

maw86 · 10/10/2025 19:50

So, the stats are:

2 young kids (1.5 and 4)
Together 8 years, obviously kids together and a mortgage
I earn over 3 x more than him - a combination of me earning well as a senior city lawyer (I know, cry me a river etc.) and him not so much as a creative
I work harder (5 days condensed in 4), have more work pressure etc.
Household expenses are split 75/25
I pay for extra stuff on top of that like kids clothes and activities on my NWD with the kids
During second mat leave I ran up credit card debt to keep covering my share of expenses and have the time off, so I'm paying that off and not saving anything
He's responsible for laundry, weekly groceries shop, washing up, most drop offs, 2 pick ups, energy bill, cleaning ish (we have a cleaner every 2 weeks)
I'm responsible for everything else. Budgeting, household admin (insurance, car, buying stuff needed in the house), kidmin, weekend plans and booking things, every element of every holiday, bday/xmas plans/presents, 1 NWD with the kids 2 pick ups and flex on drop offs, whatever else we all do to run a home.

I've been resentful for some time and communicated this to him. My resentment is now spreading into generally feeling not supported / looked after / respected in general. Without being too woo woo I feel like he doesn't hold me up and that we're not a partnership. He isn't great at emotional support and I feel like he dampens my spirit rather than lifts it. Our romantic/sex life is non existent. We've been round the houses talking about some of these gripes for years and he wants to do better but isn't hitting the mark. He is a good dad in terms of how he interacts with the kids and is "hands on" to an average level. He isn't mean to me or abusive or violent or anything like that. We get on well, have stuff in common, make each other life etc. but this issue is always brewing.

A good friend had a direct word with me today about whether I really see a future with him - she's worried about me burning out and not having what I deserve and was basically angling for me to leave. Obviously she's biased, in the best way, so I'm here for some neutral views and different opinions. I know I am definitely not alone as a woman carrying the mental load and a disproportionate chunk of household responsibility, so is that just the way it is? Is there something else at play here around missing a kind of masculinity / protector / supporter figure? Am I being taken for a ride or am I a shallow b*tch?!

Bracing myself...

My take on this is

if you aren’t married and you’re paying 75% of everything - Is the house owned partners
in common so that you own 75% of the equity? - obviously if you were married this wouldn’t be a question as everything is 50/50, but you’re not so it shouldn’t be…
Could you off load some of the household stuff you do onto him? - so if you’re cooking & making the shopping list.. is he washing/drying/lauding and unloading dishwasher for example? Does he do all the washing and putting clothes away?
So he earns less than you - what hours does he do?
Why can’t he plan a weekend? Why doesn’t he contribute towards clothes and presents for HIS kids?
why can’t he plan weekends?
Ask yourself and really think… is this an arrangement of convenience/a friendship, a partnership or can you see yourself growing old together?

personally I’d be asking him if he has savings and telling him it’s unfair that you carry most of the finances and yet when you weren’t earning at all on maternity you STILL carried the majority…. He should’ve been adding more to the pot when you weren’t working/earning… and he 100% should be paying off some of the debt… in fact the debt should have been in joint names! I think it’s very easy to feel like an ATM when you’re the main earner… it broke my marriage and tbh I’ve never been happier, as although I wasn’t the breadwinner my ex did NOTHING… no parenting, no life admin… nothing… in fact in the 7 years our DD was at primary school I can count the times he did school runs on one hand! .. he did shift work so was oft at least 2 days in the week - sometimes 4!.. it infuriated me that even on his days off I never got a ‘you stay in bed, I’ll take her!’…. I’d often be up and home from school runs then waiting for him to surface so we could go out… looking back we were happy before parenthood but I was miserable after… I love being a mum, I just didn’t expect to have to deal with a manchild too

Anyway… have a think… put you first… would you be happier separated, would you be able to co-parent get a 25/75 split on house or tell him he either needs to do more or pay more!

KM123456 · 13/10/2025 20:01

You sound like a working professional man with a SAHM wife with a "creative" job/hobby that leaves you bringing in the bulk of the money. Not wrong. But I suspect the only way you will feel better is to convince him to get work that supports the family more financially and responsibly. To be a financial partner, not a dependent. And if you divorce him you'll pay the bulk of the child support and maybe even alimony so the kids have the same lifestyle.

Squishydishy · 13/10/2025 22:02

How much does the DH earn. Is it a £20k hobby job or just because he’s on £80k and it’s not close to your income is that a creative hobby job?

ParmaVioletTea · 13/10/2025 22:14

maw86 · 13/10/2025 18:57

Thanks for the input all, lots to think about.

A few clarifications because it's coming up a lot:

He doesn't do 80% of childcare. The kids are with me on Monday, one is with grandma on Tuesday, so he usually does 2 drop-offs (we get them ready together) and 1 pick up. I'm fine with that split but it seems to have been misunderstood by readers.
The mat leave debt: we're talking £5k, nothing astronomical. I didn't have enough savings because between mat leaves, the money I saved went on house renovations to make it more liveable for having 2 tinies. I paid for all the renos myself and did all the running on that while heavily pregnant and working said condensed hours, which is one of many things I'm harboring resentment about (doing all the running on it, not paying for it, that was agreed). I'm paying it back slowly because I'm also trying to save and obviously 2 kids are expensive.
The early days were good, obviously, they always are. I knew there was financial disparity and didn't care when kids weren't in the mix. When money impacts things like how many kids you have, how much you see them, what you do with them etc. it's different. That was naive but isn't hindsight a wonderful thing. Also, he had more pride and drive about his job back then, which offset the finances. 8 years later with £0 payrise in that time and no drive for betterment, financially or creatively.

We had some conversations about some of this stuff over the weekend. Trouble is, we've had this conversation a thousand times before and he promises change that doesn't materialise. We're going to try couples therapy, although time/budget makes it tricky. I refuse to be the one who does the research, figures out how to budget it and makes the appointment...

Every time you clarify @maw86 I understand more of why you’re resentful.

He really doesn’t do 50% of all the work involved in raising his DC and keeping the family going. You are working full time hours in 4 days which must make for very long hours and hugely intense working days. But posters (and your DP) seem to think you have a day “off” compared with him.

And his lack of drive in his job suggests he’s got very comfortable and you are his ATM. Which might be OK if he more than pulled his weight domestically.

I’m still a bit WTF about you having to write him a list of the small things he could do to make you feel more supported by him. What wife of a high-earning and very capable man would need such a list? very few, if any, I imagine.

Firefly100 · 14/10/2025 04:01

With your updates the issues are becoming clearer. Simply, he is not pulling his weight. You seem to do at least 50% home/child responsibilities but also 90%+ financial responsibilities. You have raised this with him but he is not sorting it. No doubt because it suits him, bluntly. I think this is time for actions not words, because he will not change if the status quo does not change.
Firstly, to start right now I would split ALL household, child and shared life costs with him rather than the basics only and then you pay everything else on top. Homeworks, child entertainment, holidays, everything. Maybe put money both into a shared account and pay from that.
Second, as part of his promises to do better, I think you should insist the split changes from 75/25 to 50/50 as you are doing 50% contribution to home life and childcare so why should his financial contribution be less? You can offer to review if his non financial contribution changes but currently this reflects the status quo and means he is financially incentivised to change rather than incentivised to ignore you.
Lastly, one of your issues I think is that he has defined tasks for your homelife and your tasks are ‘everything else’ (bit like your finances really). I think you need to work on yourself to not automatically pick up the slack in all things and when something comes up ask yourself every time ‘why am I doing this and not him?’Actively push things on him or let them fail if you and the children will not be impacted too much.
Lastly, I still think you should consider if your condensed hours are sustainable and think about dropping some hours (or going back to 5 days and dropping some childcare although I understand you likely don’t want that). It’s a good excuse to open the topic of finances at the same time too.

TwinklyStork · 14/10/2025 04:32

MrsCrimbleCrumble · 13/10/2025 08:12

He should be paying towards the debt you incurred. If you hadn't done that, who would have picked up the pieces

Why? She openly admits she’s bad with money - who’s to say she wasn’t just pissing hers up the wall while she was taking the extra time off work? If she’s in such a hotshot job with such huge earnings why on earth wasn’t this financially planned for in advance?

She still hasn’t clarified what he earns or whether he works full time. I suspect he earns more than assumed, and he’s also doing the bulk of the household work. Sounds like an “I earn more so you do what I say” situation to me.

ishimbob · 14/10/2025 06:56

maw86 · 13/10/2025 18:57

Thanks for the input all, lots to think about.

A few clarifications because it's coming up a lot:

He doesn't do 80% of childcare. The kids are with me on Monday, one is with grandma on Tuesday, so he usually does 2 drop-offs (we get them ready together) and 1 pick up. I'm fine with that split but it seems to have been misunderstood by readers.
The mat leave debt: we're talking £5k, nothing astronomical. I didn't have enough savings because between mat leaves, the money I saved went on house renovations to make it more liveable for having 2 tinies. I paid for all the renos myself and did all the running on that while heavily pregnant and working said condensed hours, which is one of many things I'm harboring resentment about (doing all the running on it, not paying for it, that was agreed). I'm paying it back slowly because I'm also trying to save and obviously 2 kids are expensive.
The early days were good, obviously, they always are. I knew there was financial disparity and didn't care when kids weren't in the mix. When money impacts things like how many kids you have, how much you see them, what you do with them etc. it's different. That was naive but isn't hindsight a wonderful thing. Also, he had more pride and drive about his job back then, which offset the finances. 8 years later with £0 payrise in that time and no drive for betterment, financially or creatively.

We had some conversations about some of this stuff over the weekend. Trouble is, we've had this conversation a thousand times before and he promises change that doesn't materialise. We're going to try couples therapy, although time/budget makes it tricky. I refuse to be the one who does the research, figures out how to budget it and makes the appointment...

On the childcare, it's not a mystery why readers have "misunderstood" you

In your OP this is what you said:

He's responsible for laundry, weekly groceries shop, washing up, most drop offs, 2 pick ups, energy bill, cleaning ish (we have a cleaner every 2 weeks)

You seem to have changed that. It's apparently no longer 2 pick ups but 1 and only 2 drop offs not "most"

I'm not saying this to be snarky but it just makes me wonder why - is it that you are trying to justify your feelings with "facts", quite a lawyerly thing to do.

What do you think he would say about your relationship?

DarkForces · 14/10/2025 07:08

I think you could take some action before seeing a counsellor. It all seems very transactional in your posts. He's not a paid worker and if he's working full time he's not in a hobby job. I think the first thing you need to do is try to like him again. Pause the resentful discussions for now and focus on what he is doing. I know it'll stick in the craw at first but if you start to recognise and thank him for his contributions hopefully he'll reciprocate and it'll incentivise him stepping up. I give genuine thanks to dh and he now does the same to me. I tell him why I appreciate his actions. Once you feel a bit warmer then you can do things like fair play cards or add up free time but you're in such a negative cycle you've cast yourself as hard working and put upon and him as lazy and taking the piss. You need to work as a team pulling on each other's strengths.

Original poster

maw86 · 14/10/2025 08:25

ishimbob · 14/10/2025 06:56

On the childcare, it's not a mystery why readers have "misunderstood" you

In your OP this is what you said:

He's responsible for laundry, weekly groceries shop, washing up, most drop offs, 2 pick ups, energy bill, cleaning ish (we have a cleaner every 2 weeks)

You seem to have changed that. It's apparently no longer 2 pick ups but 1 and only 2 drop offs not "most"

I'm not saying this to be snarky but it just makes me wonder why - is it that you are trying to justify your feelings with "facts", quite a lawyerly thing to do.

What do you think he would say about your relationship?

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I can see that but it is most drop offs, it's 2 out of 3, I didn't clarify the ins and outs of the full week because I thought it would be boring to people! I do think there's something in what you're saying about feelings and facts. This thread is making me wonder if my problem isn't who is doing more physically but who is responsible for more? It doesn't matter if you're low on clean laundry, it does matter if you lose the main income or even f up the home insurance. That and there is a deeper disconnect that I haven't put my finger on. I think he agrees with that. He has said his self worth / self esteem is low, that he wants to be better and have an equal partnership, and that I'm 'hard to keep up with'. I think some of that is problematic.

OP posts:

TwinklyStork · 14/10/2025 08:51

maw86 · 14/10/2025 08:25

I can see that but it is most drop offs, it's 2 out of 3, I didn't clarify the ins and outs of the full week because I thought it would be boring to people! I do think there's something in what you're saying about feelings and facts. This thread is making me wonder if my problem isn't who is doing more physically but who is responsible for more? It doesn't matter if you're low on clean laundry, it does matter if you lose the main income or even f up the home insurance. That and there is a deeper disconnect that I haven't put my finger on. I think he agrees with that. He has said his self worth / self esteem is low, that he wants to be better and have an equal partnership, and that I'm 'hard to keep up with'. I think some of that is problematic.

Show quote history

It doesn't matter if you're low on clean laundry, it does matter if you lose the main income or even f up the home insurance. That and there is a deeper disconnect that I haven't put my finger on. I think he agrees with that. He has said his self worth / self esteem is low, that he wants to be better and have an equal partnership, and that I'm 'hard to keep up with

It’s not hard to see why his self worth and self esteem is low, since you’ve just trashed his contribution in one paragraph. What you do “matters”, but the housework that he does the lions share of, and that you expect him to do as the lower earner, doesn’t. Do you say that kind of thing to him in person?
It seems to me that you think you bring more worth to the relationship because you’re a higher earner (even if you don’t seem particularly adept at managing the money you do earn, but that’s another issue). Undoubtedly he’s picking up on that.