AIBU to tell my friends to stop calling for a chat

[lissssa]

Im a SAHM with a young child. ’ve got a few friends who don’t have kids and they love a phone chat. Not about anything major, just general stuff — the date they went on last night, why their manager “just doesn’t get it”, or how their hairdresser messed up their fringe again.

The thing is, I just can’t do long phone chats anymore. I’m fine with a quick five-minute catch-up, but it’s never five minutes. I’ll answer thinking it’ll be short (or because they’ve been calling every day for the last week and I haven’t picked up), and next thing I’m 15 mins in, saying “yeah… anyway…” while my toddler’s trying to run off, or bored at home tugging at me to go for a walk, or yelling because lunch isn’t appearing fast enough.

I’ll drop hints like, “just out with DS” or “just making his lunch,” hoping they’ll take the cue, and instead it’s, “Ooh, what are you making? I’ve just had fish. Don’t seem to digest meat very well these days. Do you?” Meanwhile I’m scraping pasta off the floor and silently regretting picking up.

And even when I start giving the usual “yeah, I guess so… anyway…” replies, they somehow keep going with “but what do you really think?”, “would you text him back though?”, “how would you have handled it?”

It’s not that I don’t care, if something real is going on, of course I’ll make time. But these endless, rambling calls when I’m in the middle of toddler chaos… not my thing anymore. My days are pretty full-on, and if I do get a bit of quiet time, I’d rather actually eat something warm, do life admin, or catch up properly with someone in person.

AIBU to just say outright that I don’t do long phone calls these days, or do I keep pretending to be “busy with DS” until they finally get the message?

You just tell them you don't have time, there's no need to make a big drama out of it. They'll soon stop ringing

you'd miss them if they never rang at all, put them on speaker phone and carry on with your child at the same time

Don’t answer?

I think it's nice to call randomly.
But if it doesn't work for you, you have options: tell them you'd prefer to fix at time when you know you'll be free to catch up; meet in person etc (whatever you prefer); or tell them when you pick up you only have a few minutes. Or don't answer and text back making a plan for a chat at another time. They just don't have a clue what it's like to have young children. But try to make a little time for them - it's nice if you can hold on to those friends even during this 'rush hour of life'.

Don't answer.

You will miss them when they’re gone. Which they will be if you dismiss them

Just use your words. Being passive aggressive and giving non committal responses is clearly not working. Just say, look I’m in the middle of getting lunch sorted I’ll voice note you later.

@BallerinaRadioif I tell them I don’t have time, they just go “sure let’s call at the weekend” - at the weekend I spend time with family. I don’t want to sit out for a phone call, whilst they go to have a fun day out? Or they’ll suggest we call later “call me when you’re done at the zoo” - then I’ll be on my way home or at home playing with my child or prepping dinner

put some headphones in and chat whilst you’re doing stuff. I never sit down when chatting to friends. Wireless headphones are a godsend. I have one friend who is on the phone for 60-90 mins every week.

Well you’re not unreasonable that you may not have the time you had pre-child, but the time of your post does seem like your friends lives aren’t very important or interesting to you anymore now you have a child and they don’t.

Dont forget that what is small talk to you now is actually probably the important stuff to them.

@Zanatdy how do you simultaneously talk to / supervise your child? Maybe I’m terrible at multitasking or my child is just not a sit still whilst mum talks kind of kid

After 5 mins shout "no Billy don't..aargh, sorry, gotta go" and hang up. ( I do the " gotta go" and hang up with my dsis quite often, even though I have no toddler here. It's just a bit much isn't it? Some people are just very self absorbed, even if they are also good mates.

This place is weird tonight.

It's not on to ignore your toddler because friends demand your attention for ages. Stop answering when you're busy and ring them back if you don't want to say anything about it to them. It'll have to be trained out of them.

I bet when they have kids they won’t spend long rambling phone calls to you. They’ll be all precious about spending quality time with their kids.

You’re being far too nice op. Fuck ‘em off and say “look can we just arrange a Friday night to catch up because I just can’t do it when I’m in mummy mode?” Then get your partner to have the kids and have a clear night to at least drink through listening to all their non-consequential bullshit.

As others have said, you'd miss them if they didn't call. Can you schedule calls with them, so that you stay in touch, and can give them attention while someone minds the toddler?

Just put them on loud speaker or headphones and have them on in the background while you do the cleaning or make lunch for DS- you’ll miss them when they’re gone -

Why are you dropping hints? Can’t you say “sorry, I’ll need to go and sort the wee ones bath time”.

I have two kids and a few time a week have long-ish phone calls with child-free friends. Car journeys, when DH is doing bath time, when kids are napping/ playing/ watching tv/ in bed.

Well my children are older now but with my hands free I could have easily supervised kids and chatted. Unless they were tiny babies. I’m the queen of multi tasking having raised 3 kids and worked full time. And still was a good friend. Cherish your friends. Yes cut down on time but friends are important, don’t wash your hands of them as your life has changed. My old school pals started having children later than I did, but we still remained close.

@Winebefore5 then they say “ok call me back after the bath” / “call me back when you put him to bed” / “call you tomorrow?”

The sounds like she has become insufferable since she had a kid

I would absolutely hate that.

Ive hated phone chats ever since I had children.

Mine are 17 and 11 now but I still hate talking on the phone. It’s so tying some how. I’m happy to chat to people in real life, face to face, and to text back and forth but no telephone conversations.

I will call my parents now and then but that’s all.

Luckily no one I know likes telephone conversations either.

And you can’t phone after bed time/ bath time?

Ah, you’re one of “those” people, who have no use for their friends once they have a “little family”. People like you end up alone when the kids leave home and probably rightly so. I’d drop you entirely if you were a friend of mine.

Do you not want friends?

@Winebefore5between their bedtime and mine is the only 1-2 hours in the day I get to hang out with my husband 1 on 1. I wouldn’t love it if he was suddenly calling people frequently instead of couples time.
Or it’s my one opportunity to do a bit of life admin.

of course as a one off, if they genuinely need help or something happened, sure. But it’s not becoming my new Friday night tradition.