AIBU to tell my friends to stop calling for a chat

[lissssa]

Im a SAHM with a young child. ’ve got a few friends who don’t have kids and they love a phone chat. Not about anything major, just general stuff — the date they went on last night, why their manager “just doesn’t get it”, or how their hairdresser messed up their fringe again.

The thing is, I just can’t do long phone chats anymore. I’m fine with a quick five-minute catch-up, but it’s never five minutes. I’ll answer thinking it’ll be short (or because they’ve been calling every day for the last week and I haven’t picked up), and next thing I’m 15 mins in, saying “yeah… anyway…” while my toddler’s trying to run off, or bored at home tugging at me to go for a walk, or yelling because lunch isn’t appearing fast enough.

I’ll drop hints like, “just out with DS” or “just making his lunch,” hoping they’ll take the cue, and instead it’s, “Ooh, what are you making? I’ve just had fish. Don’t seem to digest meat very well these days. Do you?” Meanwhile I’m scraping pasta off the floor and silently regretting picking up.

And even when I start giving the usual “yeah, I guess so… anyway…” replies, they somehow keep going with “but what do you really think?”, “would you text him back though?”, “how would you have handled it?”

It’s not that I don’t care, if something real is going on, of course I’ll make time. But these endless, rambling calls when I’m in the middle of toddler chaos… not my thing anymore. My days are pretty full-on, and if I do get a bit of quiet time, I’d rather actually eat something warm, do life admin, or catch up properly with someone in person.

AIBU to just say outright that I don’t do long phone calls these days, or do I keep pretending to be “busy with DS” until they finally get the message?

I miss mine. I'm sad to say that they've all gone now for reasons like the OP. Now my child is older I have more spare time but less friends. I hoped to keep my single and or child free friends, but they've one by one just peeled away. I do have a couple of close friends but you can only count them on (less than) one hand.

The good thing is though, that they do understand what its like to be busy with family, so they don't hold that against me as they have family commitments of their own. I can't get the old friends back now though, it has been too long. 😔

I think anyone who is older with grown kids can see how important friends are in your life and we don’t want the OP to make the mistake of not valuing her friendships who may be important to her again in future.

That said, you are right about the exhaustion of looking after young children, and we probably forget when we’re past that stage.

I'm a coward who hates conflict or awkward conversations. So in this instance: I'd just not answer if I didn't want to.

I'm not a "phone chat" sort. I'd rather text. Like you, I don't want to hang off a phone ignoring my kids and other stuff whilst making polite conversation for 25 minutes.

People will disagree with me : but you do tend to find once you have children that it can become strained or awkward to continue some relationships with people that haven't got children. I find some women will try desperately to morph into their pre baby self to keep the peace and prove to their friends they "haven't changed". But motherhood does change your life. And if friends fall by the wayside, so be it. Your child and your needs of your new life matter more.

I'm a bit of a cow though , as in, I do believe most friendships are situational and am quite happy to move on from friendships if my life circumstances change.

Do they ask about your life?

This is coming across a tad like you view their life and things happening in it as nowhere near as important as yours because you’re a Mum. Remember when you were child free your life felt important too didn’t it? So just ignore it for now and they’ll get the message. And then when your kid is old enough for you to get some free time back and you want to have chats again hopefully they’ll have stuck around despite you’re insistence that you’re too busy for them.

Pfft. What drama. No new mother should feel guilty for prioritising her child. This is why I don't do friendships. Too much guilt tripping and squeezing yourself into too many obligations to please others because you feel you should. Not worth it.

This is coming across a tad like you view their life and things happening in it as nowhere near as important as yours because you’re a Mum.

This. The examples given in the OPs opening paragraph make that quite obvious.

This ^
and don’t answer or call back - txt this nice clear message to them.
You can’t do long unplanned catch ups anymore and it’s ok. If you want to keep them in your life, offer them a meet up once a month and texts in between.

If you don't phone back they will eventually stop calling. If you never answer they will eventually stop calling.

Yes, friendships like all relationships involve compromise.

When did we start seeing that as a bad thing?

Just stick them on speaker (if DC is awake) or use headphones (if DC is asleep) and do what you’d be doing anyway. Not seeing the issue, really. Assuming these are your friends and you actually like them, obvs. If that’s not the case, tell them to let you be.

Call them when you have time to chat and listen, common sense surely. And if you can't be bothered to ever make time to chat to them expect to be left without friends.

Not unreasonable long phone calls drive me insane child or no child. I got someone who seems to only call.. just send me a bloody text!! Because rarely it seems to be a good time to take it.
Also took a few phone calls recently which I thought would be 5 minutes and it went on forever! And then I feel rude waiting for them to finish what they're saying before trying to make my excuses. Let's meet for lunch instead!!

I've been reading the book Let Them by Mel Robbins. I'm finding it v freeing! It goes into a a lot of detail about adult friendships.

You obviously have less time for it but I definitely miss these random chats with friends (all mine now have kids and it’s definitely less).
Maybe don’t pick up if you’re busy and call back/text back later and arrange a time even if it’s another day. You will miss them when they’re gone, but to think there’s a middle ground between never and sometimes having a chat. It’s a good way to keep connections with friends.
I always make the effort to have a big chat with each pal once a week. I do love a random gossip!

SAHM with one toddler and no time for friends = something very wrong. Does your DH demand your undivided attention when he’s home? Do you have chronic fatigue? Do you live in a massive house and have to manage staff?

Or is it that you don’t want friends anymore?

How often do you actually catch up with them in person? I'm guessing the answer is almost never, in reality, and you've got DC on hand as a distraction when you do, so it doesn't have to get too involved. Friendships are a two way street, and you can't be bothered to put in the work with yours anymore. Dress it up however you want, but what you're saying here is that you're a SAHM, everything else in your life is a higher priority than your friends, and you're squirming to get off the phone after 15 minutes.

You say you'd be there for them if it was something important, but most people don't jump straight into serious conversation out of the blue. There is a bit of chat first, while they gauge your mood and level of interest in their problems. If you're broadcasting "I'm bored, gotta go", and you've already been dodging their calls for a week, do you really think your friends are going to open up to you? Of course not.

It might help to be less judgemental of them. Your attitude is that they don't have real problems, while your life as a SAHM to one child is "full on" by comparison. But the truth is, there are working mums and mums with bigger families or SN kids - or all three at once even - who would think your life is a picnic. And I'm sure you'd be very upset to hear them say it. It's all relative. These people are supposed to be your friends. Show some grace. It's the one thing you're guaranteed not to regret down the track.

It's a bad thing when new mothers have to start squeezing themselves into pretend roles in order to please someone else. Often when motherhood begins, some friends will naturally drop off and that is the nature of friendships, they're often situational.

You need to be Gen X about this. Don’t answer the phone! 🤣

My friends and I voice note each other

YABU to answer the phone if you don’t want to talk! If it’s an emergency they’ll call several times in a row, leave a message or send a text. Just say you’re really busy and can’t do phone chats but happy to text and/or see them for a catch up on XX date. Dropping hints isn’t cutting it and you haven’t actually told them outright, so just stop answering

I’m probably going against the grain here but I flat out stopped long conversations with friends after having a baby. I’m not a massive fan of phone calls anyway, especially if it’s just inane chit chat. I’d just not answer and send a text explaining that your hands are full and you’ll call back when you have the chance.

This is why voicenotes exist
I have young kids and have friends both with children and without and we all just do a vn
You get the same impact as a call but can listen and reply when it suits

Op why dont you just say... 'hun, let's take this to whatsapp because little one is running riot while im on the phone' Then just reply when you can..

If you told your friend a couple of times, ‘sorry I can’t talk right now’, is she the sort that would take offence or would she understand? And if she took offence how bothered would you be? On the one hand she seems a bit needy and only thinking about herself but on the other hand maybe you don’t feel the need to have her in your life quite so much now that you have a baby?