AIBU to tell my friends to stop calling for a chat

[lissssa]

Im a SAHM with a young child. ’ve got a few friends who don’t have kids and they love a phone chat. Not about anything major, just general stuff — the date they went on last night, why their manager “just doesn’t get it”, or how their hairdresser messed up their fringe again.

The thing is, I just can’t do long phone chats anymore. I’m fine with a quick five-minute catch-up, but it’s never five minutes. I’ll answer thinking it’ll be short (or because they’ve been calling every day for the last week and I haven’t picked up), and next thing I’m 15 mins in, saying “yeah… anyway…” while my toddler’s trying to run off, or bored at home tugging at me to go for a walk, or yelling because lunch isn’t appearing fast enough.

I’ll drop hints like, “just out with DS” or “just making his lunch,” hoping they’ll take the cue, and instead it’s, “Ooh, what are you making? I’ve just had fish. Don’t seem to digest meat very well these days. Do you?” Meanwhile I’m scraping pasta off the floor and silently regretting picking up.

And even when I start giving the usual “yeah, I guess so… anyway…” replies, they somehow keep going with “but what do you really think?”, “would you text him back though?”, “how would you have handled it?”

It’s not that I don’t care, if something real is going on, of course I’ll make time. But these endless, rambling calls when I’m in the middle of toddler chaos… not my thing anymore. My days are pretty full-on, and if I do get a bit of quiet time, I’d rather actually eat something warm, do life admin, or catch up properly with someone in person.

AIBU to just say outright that I don’t do long phone calls these days, or do I keep pretending to be “busy with DS” until they finally get the message?

I'm not a chat on the phone type of person, I'd rather catch up less often in person and really have quality conversation rather tnan inane day to day stuff. The inane day to day chat for me happens on whatsapp as and when I can get to a message to reply to it. I've witnessed people on the bus chatting inane crap to their friends on their mobile, I don't understand it at all. The sign of a good friendship is not how many of your free minutes you can use up every month.

I wouldn't expect a good friend to treat me like an emotional crutch or an agony aunt. A good friend would realise that when you have children your time isn't your own anymore and by the time you've got to the end of the day you are just exhausted and often have no headspace left for anything other than flopping in front of the telly and cabbaging.

Don't your friends work? Aren't they also exhausted by their jobs in the evening and need to prepare dinner, do some washing/ironing or something? See other family and friends?

I would say though that ALL your weekend can't be busy with the kids, or out and about? Are you overscheduled? What about when you sit down for 20 mins for a cuppa? Can't you ring your friends back then?

And my experience is that it’s better to dump the person with kids as they become patronising, insufferable ans dull. However, also from my experience - they come crawling back when the kids are older but by them, I’ve moved on with new friends so 🤷‍♀️

@Sez1990@HereWeGo1234
this is exactly what Ive tried doing but the friend will just see it as an unfinished chat and will attempt to call back in an hour or ask me when she should call.

Again, if it’s urgent or we actually have something to discuss then I can find a time, but if it’s just to go round in circles about how the guy she likes was “so lovely” on the date but “a bit cold over text,” I just can’t. I’ve already said my opinion — several times — but she’ll keep bringing it back up, re-asking the same questions, wondering out loud if he’s shy, busy, not that into her, or “just bad at texting,” and we end up right back where we started every time.

I had a friend like that. Funnily enough, a mutual mate and I have just not that long ago parted ways with him after nearly 45 years of increasingly frustrating and fraught friendship due to his increasingly impossible nature and curmudgeonly attitude. Anyway, he used to phone and drone on for ages about frustratingly tedious, trivial shite, even to the extent of what I was watching on the telly and what I'd had for my dinner. One night he kept me on the line well past midnight, and I had to call in sick to my work the next day because I was too tired to go in. I eventually just ignored the phone.

You have to compromise. Maintain friendships is important and you need time for your life to. So betwtr solution is to schedule calls. Thats what we do, me and my mates. They know to avoid meal times. And I schedule the xall while walking home, DS 1 and 2 are tired and silent or nap times, or when they have their screen time once a week. Just takes some planning.

Ring fence sometime to keep up with your friends, even if it’s only a brief chat you have a toddler now but they won’t be a toddler forever and your friendships will become even more important as you get older. Don’t isolate yourself and cut yourself off. just find another way to do it. You’ll be glad you did.

Well, if that’s the case, she’s obviously a bit self absorbed and needy. And I suppose you’ve got 3 choices:

• you put up with the way it is
• you tell her you can’t keep going with all these long winded chats but you can do (for example)15 mins twice a week or

-you end the friendship Good luck-it’s not easy with someone like that.

So you seriously cannot spare 15 minutes out of your day? You have one toddler, not a houseful, what are you going to do when you go back to work and have to juggle home, children and a job?

OMG you need to just stop answering, or as a pp said, just say 'we need to take this to whatsapp, as I'm in the middle of a few things right now.'

I used to know a woman - actually an ex colleague - who would ring me around 7pm, (like 2-3 times a month,) and would just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.... It took AGES to get rid of her. Sometimes an hour!!! As I said earlier, I prefer to just whatsapp or text people (or as someone else said, send voicenotes.) Back in the day I didn't know who was on the phone until I answered it.

I just CBA to be gabbling on, over the phone. I have better things to do. I am happy to arrange to meet up for a coffee for an hour, or pop and see you if you want, as I can put that hour aside. I just don't want to sit there (in my house) on the phone, chatting for an hour in an evening. I want to be watching TV! Or out for a walk. Or chatting to my DH. The ONLY exception is my DC. I will always have time/find time to talk to them on the phone. That said, I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times they have phoned me in the past 3 years. They prefer whatsapp too. (And meeting in person of course, which we do 3-4 times a month.)

I also dislike people popping in/turning up unnannounced. I know a woman in my village who used to do this, and she would say 'ooooh, I'll only stay half an hour.' 2 hours later she was still there!!! I have better things to do than entertain people who have randomly turned up unexpected. If other people have lots of free time, and enjoy having randoms turning up out of the blue, then crack on. Others are entitled to NOT want this, without being called weird or miserable. I began to stop answering the door, when I could see her through the window.

As I said earlier, I really didn't think people phoned people anymore. Are they posting from the 1990s?

You do what you want @lissssa and ignore snarky and childish comments like 'ooooh I do hate these people who talk about 'my little family.' They sounds bitter and jealous to me. I mean God FORBID a woman wants to spend time with her own child!😱(And her husband.)

Just ignore calls and ring back when time is better for you, it really is that simple! Or a quick text, sorry can't talk, will ring back. You really don't have to jump to attention to every message, call, notification. If it's anything urgent a voice message will be left, which you can listen to while parenting. Xxx

Hey op your contradicting yourself your saying if it’s important you will have time if it’s just general chat your really busy. Have you thought about if it was you without dc and your friends were like oh I can’t be arsed chatting to op. You will eventually push them away if you keep fobbing them off. Just because you’re a mum and wife this doesn’t mean you’re not a friend anymore. Before dc did you speak to them regularly? If you prefer to lose them as friends carry on it won’t be long but if it’s too much just don’t answer at that inconvenient time send a text sorry xx can’t talk right now dc got to watch them constantly I can do later in the week. Or be honest sorry my life is far too busy to have time to talk to my friends now!

Maybe just accept that its time to move on from them. They don't understand what its like having to put another person newbie themselves.
Until you have kids of your own nobody ever does. As much as I miss my single friends I have zero in common with them so they're best left in the past. Sounds like your the same.

Another person **before themselves

Whatsapp voice notes then you can listen when you want?

Is it one specific friend you’re fed up with? Do you even want to be friends..

just because you have other stuff going on doesn’t mean her stuff is any less. It’s just different.

Im sure my single child free friends don’t love when I go round in circles discussing blw, wake windows, car seats, what toy kitchen to buy…But they’ll listen and let me get it all out, give their opinions when they can. Just like I listen to them talking about whatever dating site they’re on, or the new cute guy who’s joined yoga.

yes life is busy. But we make time for the people we love.

I remember this - and it’s true, when my friends had babies themselves they stopped calling for an hour at a time. Maybe just chat for 15 mins and say I’ve got to go but I really do love our friendship. Make sure you communicate that in some way!

Friends who go round in circles are annoying and you're probably finding that you had time and patience to listen endlessly and make the appropriate noises before - but now you don't. You won't change the friends so you have several choices and none of them are pleasant.

You can try saying - I have 10 minutes, X is asleep so I also need to have a shower and some lunch and then end the call after the 10 minutes, saying you don't have any more time that day. You can phone the friend(s) and say you do not have time like you used to so can they text you first so you can give them your full attention. Or just not answer.

She hasn't said that she's no use for her friends. But this isn't just one friend who wants to phone and talk for ages. She said they're are several of them. And like it or not, time is at a premium when you have a small child.

You can absolutely love your friends, but if you only have an hour or two of down time to switch off and actually talk to your partner or watch TV, a friend calling most nights and wanting loooooong chats just isn't possible to manage any more.

Friend needs to be aware that OP IS interested in them, but five or ten minutes is all she can spare most days.

How about ‘you know what, let’s meet up in person, no kids, I am just not being a great friend with these calls as half my brain is still watching my toddler the whole time, I could come out for a few hours Sunday week?

I know you said weekend is family time but if you actually make zero time for friends you won’t have any, although anyone who calls daily would be off my friend list.

Well...

You get good at multitasking, or you make time to call when you are free/give them a time you can chat...

Or you lose friends.

Friendships generally need some effort. I have friends who I can chat to whilst I work, phone on speaker, they know if they hear the keyboard going I am busy, or if I say 'hang on a sec, gotta answer this work thing'.. and it works out just fine for those lengthy witters about what we're doing, what happened on Corrie etc.

Some people can't do that -my sister for example, rings for a witter but wants my undivided attention and cannot grasp I may be busy or talking to someone else, so I get a lot of 'eh, why would you say that to me/what, no I don't want a brew' and then appears offended when I say 'well I wasn't talking to you was I?'...

She does generally seem to assume I sit around all day doing nothing but awaiting her call though...

I have a friends with small children, we often chat whilst they are driving or cooking and yes, sometimes that conversation is peppered with 'WILL YOU BE QUIET MUMMY IS TALKING' or sometimes 'why don't you ask Aunty Widdlin' about that...' but thats being friends with someone who has little kids.. par for the course and not forever.

If you won't make the time though... don't be surprised if, when your kid is no longer tiny and demanding, you haven't any friends left.

I had sympathy but drew the line when I read that you dont like them talking at weekends or in the evenings!And with a toddler you dont have much chance of seeing them.
They are making an effort to stay in touch. You are lucky havong good friends. It seems to me they care morr about you than you do them.

Is it just one friend you’re having issues with OP?

I wouldn’t answer or I would be honest with them when you see them and say it’s such a nightmare trying to talk on the phone because you’ve got your kid following you around trying to get your attention.

Alternatively, if you’re dropping hints to end the call and they’re not picking up on them, I would just put the phone down and pretend your phone died.

Oh my, life is too short. Talk to them, you never know they might drop dead the very next day.