AIBU to tell my friends to stop calling for a chat

[lissssa]

Im a SAHM with a young child. ’ve got a few friends who don’t have kids and they love a phone chat. Not about anything major, just general stuff — the date they went on last night, why their manager “just doesn’t get it”, or how their hairdresser messed up their fringe again.

The thing is, I just can’t do long phone chats anymore. I’m fine with a quick five-minute catch-up, but it’s never five minutes. I’ll answer thinking it’ll be short (or because they’ve been calling every day for the last week and I haven’t picked up), and next thing I’m 15 mins in, saying “yeah… anyway…” while my toddler’s trying to run off, or bored at home tugging at me to go for a walk, or yelling because lunch isn’t appearing fast enough.

I’ll drop hints like, “just out with DS” or “just making his lunch,” hoping they’ll take the cue, and instead it’s, “Ooh, what are you making? I’ve just had fish. Don’t seem to digest meat very well these days. Do you?” Meanwhile I’m scraping pasta off the floor and silently regretting picking up.

And even when I start giving the usual “yeah, I guess so… anyway…” replies, they somehow keep going with “but what do you really think?”, “would you text him back though?”, “how would you have handled it?”

It’s not that I don’t care, if something real is going on, of course I’ll make time. But these endless, rambling calls when I’m in the middle of toddler chaos… not my thing anymore. My days are pretty full-on, and if I do get a bit of quiet time, I’d rather actually eat something warm, do life admin, or catch up properly with someone in person.

AIBU to just say outright that I don’t do long phone calls these days, or do I keep pretending to be “busy with DS” until they finally get the message?

I hear you! Mine are no longer wee ones, but most of my friends had kids later than me. I was out of that stage and found it a challenge when they were all in it! But give and take is what we do for our friends isn't it - sometimes we're not super interested, but we listen and support because it's important to them. Something the OP seems to be forgetting here - maybe her friends don't find toddler chat thrilling either, but they are trying to keep the connection. OP may have some growing up to do, realising that getting along with others requires bits of compromise here and there and she may need to spend some time outside her comfort bubble if she wants to maintain connections.

I would just text someone if they called and I couldn’t answer and say “sorry busy with ds. I’ll call you back when he naps at X ish time or this evening when he’s in bed - do either work better for you?”.

If you keep pushing away they’ll disappear for ever but your child won’t be a toddler forever and you’ll miss them.

@Cosyblankets
i could easily do a lunch or dinner once a month, they could join us in the park with DS, they could come visit us at home, I could come to their for a brunch without DS.
but it just feels so pointless to sit there on the phone for hours going around in circles, repeating the same situation over and over, only to go over it again a few days later. At least then we’ve saved up topics to chat about, we can catch up without being distracted or feeling like the same topics will repeat days later

@CrazyGoatLady
for this reason I don’t chat to my childless friends about my toddler much. I stick to other topics and if they ask about DS I’ll give them a brief summary - yes, all good, we’ve chosen a school / finally fully potty trained so things are getting easier / recently went to X exhibition with him - have you been etc.

in response to people asking why I need to focus on my toddler when we’re together rather than half listen to my friend, whilst following my toddler or just watching him but chatting on the phone still. It’s just rude to be out with one person whilst chatting on the phone?! Imagine you’re with your elderly mum for the day. She’s saying let’s go for a walk but you’re telling her just a minute - you’ve got to finish chatting to this friend about her new hairstyle and that takes up half an hour. Then on the walk you spend the whole time chatting to another friend whilst your mum is expected to walk silently nearby. So so rude.

DS will come up to me and show me a pinecone he’s picked up - I want to show that I’m interested and excited as much as him, otherwise why on earth would he continue sharing anything with me if every time I’m only half interested. At home he’ll want to show me how he’s learnt to jump or the tower he’s built - again, should I tell him I don’t care? He’ll ask for help with opening a box of toys and then ask me to play with him. He’ll be eager to head out, should I tell him to wait whilst continuing to listen for the 4th time how my friend’s boyfriend was late to the date but didn’t say why, and try to guess (despite already voicing my opinion) whether it’s because he doesn’t care or he’s disorganised? Shouldn’t it be the other way around - sorry, friend, my son wants to head out, bye? I married my husband because I want to spend time with him and would rightfully be annoyed if he spent our evenings discussing his friend’s boss on the phone or how their commute is just too long. Sure, once in a while if the friend really needs something, but not as a routine.

Good heavens!!Are friends phoning you several times a day?That is what it sounds like. If they are ,your reasons are more than valid!
If friends call 2 or 3 times a week,then you dont appear to value their friendship. You expect them to visit you at your convenience.

I mean the topics sound really boring, but just stick them on loud speaker and crack on with what you are doing, if their flow of conversation is interrupted because you are supervising your toddler then so be it. My friend rings every week on her week day off when she does house work, she's often pottering about cleaning while I'm changing nappies, singing nursery rhymes etc and we chat inbetween. When it becomes simply to impractical or pointless to carry on the chat we just say "right, I'm gonna go now", and carry on the chat over WhatsApp. Voice messages are good too.

But your posts read like you never have time for your friends

@Cosyblanketsi never have time for rambling phone calls where the contents of it can be summarised in 2-3 sentences but are repeated 78462 different ways, and my opinion on the same situation re-asked every couple of minutes.
if we meet up, it’s easier to chat because I’m not multitasking, move on topics and then just leave at the end

Honey, you’re going end up with no mates if you continue thinking your life is so much more important than theirs. Sounds like you’re not too fussed about being friendless at the moment, but you’ll regret it in a few years when your kids aren’t hanging off you any more. Take it from a mum of teens.

I don’t think you’re the problem OP, you just have a couple of friends that don’t respect boundaries. I’ve faded out a friend like that who would always want explanations and reasons for not going along with what she wanted. You get sick of it as you get older.

The problem here is, OP isn't setting any boundaries for her friends to respect. She isn't communicating clearly to her friends what she can and can't manage. She's continuing to pick up the phone to them when she's busy and doesn't want to and then being mad at them because they don't know she doesn't want to talk/is struggling to multitask/wants to focus on her child. She isn't telling them in a clear way that they can understand.

I don't think she is actually being unreasonable not wanting to do these phone calls and to set boundaries around them. What is unreasonable is a) expecting friends to be mind readers and pick up hints, and b) the tone of superiority in the posts, it does come across like OP feels she is better than her mates because she's a wife and mum now and above such banal topics as dating. If she does not actually have much in common with these friends any more and feels she's outgrown them, then that's OK. It happens. But OP is unreasonable to blame her friends for that if she's the one who has changed.

If OP wants to keep these friends, she has to either have a grown up conversation with them about her current capacity for contact, or just stop answering and not be available as much. Phones have this wonderful thing called an "off" button. I applaud parents who want to give their kids their undivided attention, in fact I think everyone should use that button a lot more than we do!