AIBU to tell my friends to stop calling for a chat

[lissssa]

Im a SAHM with a young child. ’ve got a few friends who don’t have kids and they love a phone chat. Not about anything major, just general stuff — the date they went on last night, why their manager “just doesn’t get it”, or how their hairdresser messed up their fringe again.

The thing is, I just can’t do long phone chats anymore. I’m fine with a quick five-minute catch-up, but it’s never five minutes. I’ll answer thinking it’ll be short (or because they’ve been calling every day for the last week and I haven’t picked up), and next thing I’m 15 mins in, saying “yeah… anyway…” while my toddler’s trying to run off, or bored at home tugging at me to go for a walk, or yelling because lunch isn’t appearing fast enough.

I’ll drop hints like, “just out with DS” or “just making his lunch,” hoping they’ll take the cue, and instead it’s, “Ooh, what are you making? I’ve just had fish. Don’t seem to digest meat very well these days. Do you?” Meanwhile I’m scraping pasta off the floor and silently regretting picking up.

And even when I start giving the usual “yeah, I guess so… anyway…” replies, they somehow keep going with “but what do you really think?”, “would you text him back though?”, “how would you have handled it?”

It’s not that I don’t care, if something real is going on, of course I’ll make time. But these endless, rambling calls when I’m in the middle of toddler chaos… not my thing anymore. My days are pretty full-on, and if I do get a bit of quiet time, I’d rather actually eat something warm, do life admin, or catch up properly with someone in person.

AIBU to just say outright that I don’t do long phone calls these days, or do I keep pretending to be “busy with DS” until they finally get the message?

You do realise that being "your single friends" isn't their entire personality? If you've left them in the past because you have a different relationships status then it doesn't sound like you had much in common in the first place.

Oh, and plenty of people understand what it's like to have to put others before themselves, irrespective of whether they have children or not. What a condescending comment.

Edited for missing word.

Sounds as if you’ve made your mind up OP. Best tell them clearly if you’re sure you don’t want to talk to them on the phone.

Tbh it sounds like you are on the fast track to not having any friends at all.

You've completely trivialised their talking points, and there's only so much people (especially those without children) are willing to hear about your kid and the life of being a mum before they get bored of how one sided everything is.

You can't always have your cake and eat it.

Agree a time for them to call so you can have a proper chat.

Tbh it sounds like you don’t want to be friends with them.
You dont want to talk to them, you dont want to spend any time with them.
Just ignore the calls, eventually they’ll get the message that you have zero interest in them and then you won’t have the phone calls.

You’ll also have no friends, but never mind. Seems to be the way you want it.

Oh, please. You grasp that you don’t need to laser-focus on a child every waking hour? That people raise children while working FT in demanding jobs, having a social life, volunteering etc?

Some strange people on this thread

Sounds like a few people on here make utter pests of themselves IRL. Your friends don't want to chat for hours daily dudes. Get a life.

As ever, the only behaviour anyone can change is their own. If the OP doesn’t want to ‘chat for hours’, then she doesn’t have to. If you doesn’t want to chat at all, then she doesn’t need to pick up. But pretending that everyone should grasp that looking after a single toddler is like running a UN mission to a war zone and concentration cannot lapse for a second, is silly.

aren’t you popular to be bothered to levels you’ve described.

they’ll stop calling soon. you’d be lucky when you need them. don’t make being a mum your personality

Fast forward you life a few years, the friends you dismiss now, are the ones you'll be looking for then. Text say sorry missed you. Call them in the evening when kids in bed. Meet for coffee. Do make a wee bit of time.

Perhaps you need to make it clear that you don't have time for them anymore. Just don't expect to be able to retrieve the friendship later.

No dramas or need to lose your friends over this. I can assure you you will need those friends to keep you going as a single mum, once you are less busy or when you need some respite/talk yourself.

This is what I do:
-Moaning people that only talk about themselves and have nothing fun or positive to say AT ALL during the call >> Don’t even pick up the phone.

-Good friends that may be having a bad time >> Hey Jane, that’s terrible to hear, I’m out at this time and need to keep an eye on little Tony, shall I call you tonight so we can talk without distractions?

-People ringing at the wrong time, pick up the phone and say >>> Hi Jane, I’m about to start a meeting/driving/whatever, may I call you later (or simply do not pick up)

I am not going to say I don’t find it irritating when friends who are not in the same situation do not understand my predicament. I used to get ballistic when a SAHM mum called me to work to chat as if I was at home, eventually I just had to spell it: I work in an open plan office and I am not allowed to take personal calls during work time, could you please send a text and I’ll reply when I am free? Thank you.

She is now sending voice messages that could be up to 10 minutes long but as she is not expecting an immediate reply and I can ignore them until the evening, we are fine.

It might suit people to do this, but it's not the same impact as a call. There's no actual interaction.

15 minutes? You're lucky! One of my friends would be on the phone for 2 hours! Thank goodness for speaker phones so I could get on with cooking dinner, eating, tidying up etc. I did manage to cut the time down by starting the conversation with an excuse and limiting the time available. But I don't enjoy long chats about nothing and I usually only phone someone if I have something particular to talk about. I suppose we're all different!

no but sounds like the op's friends more want to talk at and share dramas than catch up with her to have an actual discussion

Given that the OP, by her own account, spends her entire life either laser-focused on a toddler, or with her husband and said toddler doing ‘family time’ all weekend, it’s not entirely clear what her contributions to a more egalitarian conversational timeshare would be, just as it isn’t clear why someone at home all day is behaving as though her friends’ phone calls are interrupting her splitting the atom or negotiating world peace. Obviously it’s not that parenting a small child isn’t work, it’s just not work that’s entirely incompatible with also talking on the phone with people she supposedly values.

Just what I thought.

OP you sound so young your own arse.

It is possible to have kids and a life outside of said kid. I’ve got 2.

Your posts sound as though you feel superior to them and their conversations are just crap to you now.

So up that should say.

This. So many people here just seem to use friends until a partner or kids or something better comes along. They see them as completely disposable. It’s such a horrible way to treat people. These folks inevitably end up friendless and alone when the kids fly the nest or the husband leaves for something better (oh, the irony) and I have zero sympathy for them.

Op you are not being unreasonable at all! Your life circumstances have changed! You shouldn’t feel apologetic about it!
And sorry to say this but most people who have children just don’t get it!

The way to handle this is to be more assertive and when you pick up say, “it’s lovely to hear from you but I have to go in 3 minutes” and follow through. Follow up with a message; so sorry but don’t have time to chat for very long nowadays unfortunately, when can we meet in person?

And arrange a night out, just once a fortnight or once a month would do it, when you see people in person and the first time you can address this issue face to face. “i’m
sorry I don’t have time to chat much on the phone any more but it’s so lovely catching up face to face”

You have to be quite firm in stating your needs. Your child needs your full attention. It’s a bit of a bummer for your friends but if they really are good friends, they will understand. They will be in the same position soon enough. Assert yourself op!

The OP doesn’t appear to want a night out, though. She spends weekdays laser-focused on one toddler and evenings and weekends with her DH, doing ‘family time’. She’s the perfect example of the ‘my little family’ mindset.

Be very careful that you don’t end up very lonely and isolated if you push all your friends away. This stage of life may feel all consuming, but it does pass. Try not to let your world narrow in the day to day minutiae of raising children- make space for a little bit of everything.

Your life is about to become extremely narrow if you only have room for your child/family. It helps to have other interests and people, as your husband and child shouldn't have the burden of being your 'entire world '.

You should be honest and say you don't want to or don't have the ability to make space in your life for their friendship anymore. Because that is ultimately what it is.

Lots of mums juggle kids, family, full time work and still make time for friendships, even if it is a half hour call once a week. You have the time, you just don't want to prioritise their friendship so just be honest about it.

Point taken, but I was just speaking in general terms. To me voicenotes aren't comparable to a conversation. Fine if that suits people, but they don't have the same impact as a two way interactive call.