AIBU to tell my friends to stop calling for a chat

[lissssa]

Im a SAHM with a young child. ’ve got a few friends who don’t have kids and they love a phone chat. Not about anything major, just general stuff — the date they went on last night, why their manager “just doesn’t get it”, or how their hairdresser messed up their fringe again.

The thing is, I just can’t do long phone chats anymore. I’m fine with a quick five-minute catch-up, but it’s never five minutes. I’ll answer thinking it’ll be short (or because they’ve been calling every day for the last week and I haven’t picked up), and next thing I’m 15 mins in, saying “yeah… anyway…” while my toddler’s trying to run off, or bored at home tugging at me to go for a walk, or yelling because lunch isn’t appearing fast enough.

I’ll drop hints like, “just out with DS” or “just making his lunch,” hoping they’ll take the cue, and instead it’s, “Ooh, what are you making? I’ve just had fish. Don’t seem to digest meat very well these days. Do you?” Meanwhile I’m scraping pasta off the floor and silently regretting picking up.

And even when I start giving the usual “yeah, I guess so… anyway…” replies, they somehow keep going with “but what do you really think?”, “would you text him back though?”, “how would you have handled it?”

It’s not that I don’t care, if something real is going on, of course I’ll make time. But these endless, rambling calls when I’m in the middle of toddler chaos… not my thing anymore. My days are pretty full-on, and if I do get a bit of quiet time, I’d rather actually eat something warm, do life admin, or catch up properly with someone in person.

AIBU to just say outright that I don’t do long phone calls these days, or do I keep pretending to be “busy with DS” until they finally get the message?

You can certainly see why there are posts from people wondering why they are friendless.

My friends and I with young kids just voicenote now. I listen to them while I’m doing a nappy change/ prepping food etc, and then reply to them while I’m pushing the pram. Means you still can catch up but at a time that works for both of you.

So you don't want to talk in the week day (as minding one toddler & talking hands free is beyond you), you don't want to talk at the weekend (as it's 48 hours of precious family time) and you don't want to talk in the evening after the toddler is in bed??????

just tell them you don't have time for them anymore. Then when your kid is older wonder why you don't have any friends anymore. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I never said being "single friends" was their entire personality? It was just a way of identifying them for the purpose of the thread? I didn't refer to them as single friends when I saw them. They were just friends. Unsure why my comment has triggered you personally but we are on Mumsnet which is a site for parents. The majority on here are parents and can relate to what I'm saying about having to give up so much of your time once you become a parent.

Get some airpods and ring them when you're out walking with the buggy. If they can't pick up at that time, at least you've left a missed call so you won't feel as guilty when you don't pick up to them.
I only chat to people when driving or pushing the buggy and it's all about hands free.

Or, the woman who has had a child, values their friands very much, doesn’t want to lose them, but their life circumstances change dramatically once they become pregnant and have given birth. For the very first time they are responsible for someone other than themselves.

For most people, it’s not about calculatingly using a friendship until a partner and children come along at all, like this is a cynical. planned strategic move. It is simply that human babies are dependent on their parents, usually their mother, for a very long time compared to other species with whom we share the planet.

Even if you are a sahm which allows for more flexibility in the schedule, you may be battling physical changes, post natal depression, breast feeding, sleep deprivation, and you are locked in to a cycle of sleep, feed, nappy change, play. Later on, once a child starts to crawl and walk, you can’t let them out of your sight. Once they start nursery, the timing of sleeping and eating becomes more rigid and a phone call at the wrong time can throw things off schedule. Nursery school children get ill a lot too.

Of course friends are important,and parents should try and make the effort to keep up with friendships as much as possible. The reality though is that baby-sitters are expensive and your earnings will be diminished by having a baby. And if your sleep has been interrupted twice or three times in the night for two or three years, the very last thing you want to do sometimes is go out late at night.

This is real life. True friends understand that, and make adaptations, and don’t harbour resentment about it. Funnily enough, plenty of us who have had children manage to maintain friendships and have a good social life now our children have left the nest, and our friends come from all walks of life, some of them are parents, some are not. But we shouldn’t be slated for doing right by our families or for having different priorities once we give birth.

True friends understand that, and make adaptations, and don’t harbour resentment about it.

Well, no. True friends understand that other people are human beings with feelings, and that dropping them the second something better comes along is an awful thing to do. I will make adaptations for friends with children. But I certainly won’t make any for those who display the attitude in the OP. This OP clearly can’t be bothered with her friends any more now she has a child; they served their purpose for her. I will leave them to their “little family”, and no, I won’t be there when they decide they’ve got time or inclination to pick me up again.

Or maybe it’s the attitude displayed in your posts that your friends are finding off-putting?

There you go again with your “until something better comes along” victim mindset!

Most people don’t set out to
reproduce to deliberately upset their friends you know!

The op hasn’t said anything unreasonable at all! Just that she no longer has time to spend chatting about inanities and needs to use her time more productively now that she has a child to look after. If anything, she is being too accommodating of her friends as she hasn’t been assertive enough to ring off when they haven’t taken the hint.

I had a friend tell me that she didn't have time, she thought it was rude to her family. I couldn't really understand why she couldn't find five minute every now and then to call at a convenient time, but accepted it and made a mental note that I was dropped. She then got divorced and I made sure never to become her muse and doormat in future knowing that I'd be dropped. So TLDR choose your actions and words thoughtfully!

Not necessarily. Some babies are easier than others. Some sleep through the night and some don’t. Some mothers are more able to deal with sleep deprivation than others.

I really hate the “my little family” attitude! But a sahm will probably be up very early and is most able to socialise late morning or lunch time, by the time five o’clock comes around and you have done 12 hrs of child wrangling, I wouldn’t blame someone for not wanting to go out again at night. Again, that’s not a calculated strategy, it’s just the practical facts of the matter and the way things roll with young children.

Ignore her calls. You are too busy.

You are so fortunate to have friends and family who love to hear your voice.
Don't answer the phone when you are busy.
After five minutes say - Anyway, got to go. I'm in a pickle. Talk to you again in a few weeks. Love you. Bye. xx

Just don't answer. I hardly ever answer my phone. My mum rings for a chat often, I hardly ever answer cause I don't want to spend ages on the phone.

I had a couple of international friends who kept wanting to video chat, I cut them off. I have one other who wants to video chat who I love but haven't spoken to in a year, cause I don't have time for this.

I've a few friends who we speak only via certain apps, and that's cool, but would never speak on the phone to in a million years.

If I thought someone was calling me just for a chat their chance of being answered would be literally zero.

Just don’t answer, but you sound like everyone is beneath you with their unimportant childless barren lives. Just don’t whinge you don’t have “a village” when you’re stuck for childcare.

I don't have friends ringing for chats, but instead we plan occasional meets for drink and dinner. Would that be preferable? The only people I chat with on the phone are my DP (not living together) and my DM, but only until the kids need me.

Nope. You’re spouting nonsense, and all you’re doing is showing that you’re the same kind of awful person that the OP is. Time and inclination for friends until they pop a sprog or get a partner. That’s ok though, you and her are the ones who’ll end up friendless and it’ll be your own fault. Zero sympathy!

I had a similar experience. We'd always arrange in advance to speak. I'd get a five minute monologue about her, and then be told that she was super busy and had to go. I dropped the rope as it clearly wasn't working for her - fair enough.

About a year later she re-surfaced because her husband had an affair, and left her for the OW. They were doing 50/50 childcare so she was suddenly on her own when her Ex had their son. I felt sorry for her, but kept my distance. It was a wise decision. A mutual friend who did step back in, ended up being dropped again when our former friend met a new bloke.

Good friends will understand if you feel pulled in different directions and frazzled, and they should be happy to back off a bit if you need some breathing space, as a good friendship will weather some waxing and waning over the years. But the other side of this also means making an effort where you can, even when things are difficult, to nurture your friendship and keep it alive.

For goodness sake. She's not 'dropping them' and she'd be fine with a normal five or ten minutes call. The problem is that her friends are not, and want the same 40 or 50 minute chat that they were able to have in the past.

There's a happy medium that maintains the friendship, while recognising that she simply doesn't have the same availability now, and she's asking for help in how to navigate that and communicate it to her friends.

Seriously, so many people on this thread are acting as if she's casting them aside entirely. She's not.

You come across as very dismissive and patronising of your friends in your OP. Like their silly little problems are so insignificant now you have a baby. Just carry on as you are and they will fade away anyway.

Absolutely this! ^

It’s common sense! Nothing more.

Completely agree with this

After reading your posts I think it's obvious to all of us why you "don't do friendships".

A bit at a tangent here but mobile phones and texting just don't sit well with someone in your position. I have a suggestion which might not work for you but what about asking them to come over for a 'chat' at your place at an agreed time. That way, they would be able to understand your position and make allowances???

It is possible that someone who doesn't do much could have some very interesting things to say. People who have thought about things can be far more interesting than those who just recite everything they've done or watched.

I think you are being unreasonable. I get that you can't give them your undivided attention when you are with your toddler, but you could arrange a time to call them back and speak for half an hour either when your toddler is in bed or call on speakerphone while your toddler is napping, watching TV, you're doing the washing up, preparing dinner or whatever.
If you don't want to prioritise this then be honest with yourself that it is a choice and not something that you "can't do".