AIBU to tell my friends to stop calling for a chat

[lissssa]

Im a SAHM with a young child. ’ve got a few friends who don’t have kids and they love a phone chat. Not about anything major, just general stuff — the date they went on last night, why their manager “just doesn’t get it”, or how their hairdresser messed up their fringe again.

The thing is, I just can’t do long phone chats anymore. I’m fine with a quick five-minute catch-up, but it’s never five minutes. I’ll answer thinking it’ll be short (or because they’ve been calling every day for the last week and I haven’t picked up), and next thing I’m 15 mins in, saying “yeah… anyway…” while my toddler’s trying to run off, or bored at home tugging at me to go for a walk, or yelling because lunch isn’t appearing fast enough.

I’ll drop hints like, “just out with DS” or “just making his lunch,” hoping they’ll take the cue, and instead it’s, “Ooh, what are you making? I’ve just had fish. Don’t seem to digest meat very well these days. Do you?” Meanwhile I’m scraping pasta off the floor and silently regretting picking up.

And even when I start giving the usual “yeah, I guess so… anyway…” replies, they somehow keep going with “but what do you really think?”, “would you text him back though?”, “how would you have handled it?”

It’s not that I don’t care, if something real is going on, of course I’ll make time. But these endless, rambling calls when I’m in the middle of toddler chaos… not my thing anymore. My days are pretty full-on, and if I do get a bit of quiet time, I’d rather actually eat something warm, do life admin, or catch up properly with someone in person.

AIBU to just say outright that I don’t do long phone calls these days, or do I keep pretending to be “busy with DS” until they finally get the message?

After bath or after bed sounds perfect. Why can't you do that?

Alternatively, presumably from what you've said about DC they are young enough to nap so would that be a better time to chat? I often scheduled nap catchups when DD was little or now whilst my friends have very small DC.

She has less time for chitchat. Quite normal. But I tell people straight out that I don't have the time if that's the case.

Maybe you feel like there are some friends you just don't appreciate but that you still saw when you had plenty of time @lissssa ?

My experience is that people with kids never do miss their child free friends.

Just tell your friends you cba with them anymore then…

You don't have to make time for them at all, whether you think their issues are real or not. But if you don't make time for your childfree friends then you shouldn't be surprised when they are no longer your friends.
They're calling because they value you and want to speak to you. If you don't value their time to the same extent then let them know and they can make an informed decision about how much to invest in their friendship with you

This is crazy, just put it on speakerphone and carry on with what you’re doing

You sound like you're the 1st person who ever had a kid!. It's not impossible to chat on the phone if you want to. Buy some earbuds so your hands are free and pick a good time. I talk on the phone whilst watching the kids in the bath, folding washing, making dinner, walking the dog.

This. Toddlerhood is short, life without friends is long. I respect my BF so much she always made time, with three tiny ones. And I was the oblivious childless one. She now has a lovely later life, her kids have flown, and she has tons of friends. Including me.

If you rely on your child and husband, you’d better hope you will be best friends with him in your dotage. Because he will be all you have. And that is precarious.

You are supervising one child, not the nuclear launch codes. Yes "couples time" (Bleugh) is important, yes it's busy being a mum, but you do seem to be making rather a meal of it and a little bit nauseating with the whole "I don't have time for their banal chatter now I'm a mother" bit. One day you will look around and wish you had kept your friends.

So, essentially you don’t ever want to speak to your friends because you’ve got a child now.

Which is fair enough, but you just need to be aware that they will - rightly - lose interest in maintaining a friendship with you if you can’t be bothered with them. So when your child is older you could find yourself a bit isolated.

I also think the way you’re talking about your friends and their conversational topics suggests that you’re very much at the ‘Now that I’ve had a child, my life is much more fulfilling than your shallow nonsense, for I Am Mother’ stage, which in my experience makes people very poor company.

I’ve actually never been keen on chatting on the phone to anyone, so it’s not that I think phone conversations are essential to friendships - but I think if you previously talked to friends on the phone before you had your child, people will see it as important.

Ultimately, if you really gave a shit, you’d hit the speaker button and chat while you made lunch or you’d take 20 minutes out of your weekend to take a call while your partner was with your kid.

Can you ask them to send you a voicenote instead?
Most people in my life have given up trying to phone me for a chat seeing as its hard to get through 5 mins without me shouting
NO NO NO
PUT THAT DOWN
I DONT KNOW WHERE THE REMOTE IS
GIVE THAT BACK TO HIM
etc etc 😂

I had a friend like you. She stopped responding to texts. I never called unscheduled. I went on with my life. She's presumably happy with her family, and I'm far happier not being ignored.

If you ever saw them as friends tell them you don't have time anymore. If they have self respect, you'll be free from their calls.

Because maybe she has a life of her own? Jeez when most parents put their kids to bed they’re knackered and want a well deserved bit of time to themselves to decompress and take a breather.

Why is everyone advocating for her to be enslaved to her mates and their whims?

Do you want friends? It doesn't sound like it. Just tell them that you sign off.

Just tell them you are busy and not available to chat. However, don’t be surprised or hurt if they aren’t still there for you to pick up a friendship with afterwards.

Just don't answer the phone.
I wouldn't recommend this though as you'll have no friends left.

I also never called unscheduled

It would've been much kinder if these people had told me they didn't want friends - or friends like me - instead of stringing me along for a few years. Especially while getting all the gifts for them and gifts for kids, and in some cases, actual babysitting.

So please tell them to stop calling and that you don't want them anymore and let them get on with their lives.

Either tell them it’s not convenient and then perhaps watch the friendship fade, after all you can be bothered with someone who can’t be bothered with them

or agree a time you will call back, even if it is the time you have with your husband so you can have a longer chat

friendship takes work, if you are not prepared to do that then stop being friends with them

Just don’t answer!

With new friends, set the expectations early on by never answering their calls.

Some of my earliest memories are of me rolling about on the floor while my mum was on the phone endlessly. I remember being so bored and wanting her attention.
(She gave me loads of attention and was a perfect mum) 45 years later, my mum is dead, and those very same friends are now looking out for my dad ❤️
She was a very wise woman, my mum.

Exactly this. The gifts were always welcome...

Voice notes are your friend in this situation! My bff and I voice note each other most days but I can listen to them and reply at my convenience and it stills feels like we’re “chatting”. When my son is napping I look forward to listening to her messages and having a catch up on my own timeline which suits mum life

Do you want friends?

My child free friends mean the world to me. Really. Its for me important not only to a mum.

No advice OP sorry but just want to say I totally get it and could have written your posts myself!