AIBU to tell my friends to stop calling for a chat

[lissssa]

Im a SAHM with a young child. ’ve got a few friends who don’t have kids and they love a phone chat. Not about anything major, just general stuff — the date they went on last night, why their manager “just doesn’t get it”, or how their hairdresser messed up their fringe again.

The thing is, I just can’t do long phone chats anymore. I’m fine with a quick five-minute catch-up, but it’s never five minutes. I’ll answer thinking it’ll be short (or because they’ve been calling every day for the last week and I haven’t picked up), and next thing I’m 15 mins in, saying “yeah… anyway…” while my toddler’s trying to run off, or bored at home tugging at me to go for a walk, or yelling because lunch isn’t appearing fast enough.

I’ll drop hints like, “just out with DS” or “just making his lunch,” hoping they’ll take the cue, and instead it’s, “Ooh, what are you making? I’ve just had fish. Don’t seem to digest meat very well these days. Do you?” Meanwhile I’m scraping pasta off the floor and silently regretting picking up.

And even when I start giving the usual “yeah, I guess so… anyway…” replies, they somehow keep going with “but what do you really think?”, “would you text him back though?”, “how would you have handled it?”

It’s not that I don’t care, if something real is going on, of course I’ll make time. But these endless, rambling calls when I’m in the middle of toddler chaos… not my thing anymore. My days are pretty full-on, and if I do get a bit of quiet time, I’d rather actually eat something warm, do life admin, or catch up properly with someone in person.

AIBU to just say outright that I don’t do long phone calls these days, or do I keep pretending to be “busy with DS” until they finally get the message?

Sorry?

And this is why friends drift after one has a baby.
women are constantly moaning that their friends have buggared off and no longer invite them out or keep in touch…. And your example here is exactly why… if my friend was always ‘too busy’ and always wanting to get off the phone and make excuses not to call later like you are, I’d be deleting your number and taking you off all social media… end of friendship for me

I'm surprised they bother to call you at all if all you can do is make excuses about yr kid. I'm sure they will soon get bored of it and stop. Ten you can have 100% of your time devoted to your little family as you will have no friends

I’m in a similar situation except that I like my friends! I tell them I can probably only talk for 15 mins while I’m pushing my baby on swings, and having a walk around, and then chat handsfree with bluetooth headphones for as long as I can. It isn’t super relaxing but it’s important to me to maintain friendships. If it’s not important to you, which it sounds like it’s not, then yeah, tell them not to call. But you might miss them later.

Well I've not got any children at home now, but, when certain people call me and just go on and on and on, I say sorry I'll have to go I need the toilet or I'll have an accident, or I've even opened door really quietly and rang the door bell, really sorry I'll have to go someone's at the door. Or I can't stay in phone as I'm waiting for a call back from Doctor or insurance or someone. If I'm not busy ok but after an hour Ive honestly had enough most of the time.

Er, excuse me, I have raised my children who are away at university now and I happen to have plenty of friends thanks very much, so your theory isn’t correct.

The people with whom I have maintained friendships understand what it’s like to have demands on your time from children, and we’ve either picked up again where we left off, or we have maintained a friendship throughout that was focused on meeting up every couple of weeks in person without much contact in between. In fact one of my closest friends doesn’t have children. And I have been there to support her through her parents last illnesses and deaths.

The op wasn’t dismissing her friends or assuming that her path in life was superior to theirs, and nor am I. All she was saying that its’s no longer possible to spend an hour on the phone chatting about hairstyles or someone acting strangely at work, once you are looking after small children, and I agreed with her, because I had a similar experience. If your priorities and daily timetable don’t change when you have children, then you are doing it wrong! And most reasonable people understand that.

Op said she preferred to focus the little time she had on meeting up in person and that’s what I have done too, A regular lunch date with a friend is much better than four rambling telephone conversations where you are interrupted and distracted by children. That’s a recipe for stress for everyone.

Well, apart from the fact that lots of us have a child, go back to work, and live life roughly as we did before becoming a parent, including valuing our friendships exactly as before.

You’re about the only one on the thread who feels like this, so carry on thinking you’re right if you like. You’re not, but if it makes you feel better and less selfish…

I'd suggest

(1) Don't answer at really inconvenient times - heading out the door, making lunch, etc. Use Caller ID to catch calls you NEED to take (doctor, etc.) and don't feel guilty for letting the rest go to voicemail. They'll text you if it's urgent.

(2) Saying at the beginning of the call "I only have x minutes" and stick to it. They'll get in the habit of telling you their important news or anything they really need to talk about up front, and it'll be easier for you to tell when something might really need a longer discussion.

(3) If they say call me back after, say you won't be able to. If you see these friends regularly, get in the habit of saying "let's talk on [whenever your next planned meet-up is]". If they're local and you do want to see them more, try including them in something you're doing with your toddler even if it's a walk or a trip to the park or a messy lunch. The conversation will flow more smoothly when you're both present, they'll get a better idea of what you mean when you say your hands are full, and it's probably not too early for toddler to start learning to wait a short time if mum's busy.

(4) Try telling them (maybe face to face) how much things have changed in your daily life now that you're toddler wrangling. You value their friendship and don't want to lose it, but for now your "free time" isn't really free and you may need to plan ahead more and spend less time but more focused time with friends. You can use the aimless phone conversations as an example of what doesn't work.

One thing I'd be careful of, though, is assuming the things they chat to you about are trivial. If it's a close friend who doesn't have other trusted confidantes, getting your advice on their very-new possible-relationship or miserable ongoing situation with their boss may be really important to them. Get their help in cutting out the chat and sticking to the important stuff, and be strict about it - but keep communication open to avoid a situation where a friend who's really struggling keeps silent, thinking "I can't bother Lissssa with this!" Good luck!

No. I would say at least fifty per cent of posters on this thread agree with the op and me so you need to read it again.

But that's how those of us with kids keep friends. Especially when the friends don't have kids themselves

They really don’t. Maths is apparently less of a strong point for you than valuing your friends as actual people is.

YANBU for not having as much time for chitchat. But YABU to blame your friends for calling and trying to stay connected - maybe they feel like you might want the social contact if you're home with the bairn. A lot of SAHMs can get quite isolated and you do see posters on here complaining their friends no longer bother with them after having children. If your friends don't have kids, they aren't likely to understand the demands on you unless you explain it to them, they are not mind readers. Or don't answer if you're busy. Send a quick text saying you can't talk right now but you'll have time after baby goes to bed, or something like that.

On the other side of it, you don't sound like you care about, or even like your friends that much. But they must have been good enough friends for you before you had children, so you may need to ask yourself what or who has changed now. Is it them, or is it you? It does come across like you feel a bit superior to them now you've had a child, like how dare you bother me with your silly problems, don't you know I'm a Very Busy Mum now and don't have the time for your nonsense?

Maybe you've just outgrown your friends, and sometimes that happens. Maybe there were other incompatibilities previously and they were just easier to overlook pre children. But if you've changed, not them, and these friendships no longer work for you, then you need to own that, rather than blaming them for wanting to chat and for their lives and concerns being trivial or uninteresting to you. Possibly you need friends whose lives are more similar to yours at this stage in your life, and it would be better to focus your energy on building new connections with other mums who will understand more about where your life is at this stage rather than focusing on your child free friends' limitations.

This is so sad. You have nothing in common because they don’t have kids?

What did you have in common before kids?

It's strange though. It's on maternity leave ( and sahm is carrying on from that) that it would seem you have more time for a chat. My eldest is a fanof long rambling phone calls. I got far more of them when she was on maternity leave as she had so much ore spare time then when at work Even this time round with her 3rd chid

The same kind of lifestyles. Which we don't have now.

It’s not being able to talk for an hour or whatever that is the problem - I rarely talk for long on the phone and then only in the evening or weekend because I work full time and by the end of the day I’m all talked out. It’s the attitude that because someone hasn’t got kids that their lives are not as important, their conversation trivial and their opinions irrelevant that really pisses us off.

i spend all day in serious meetings discussing serious things that are related to patient safety. I can’t talk about my work with people who don’t know about it and for confidentiality reasons, but also because my brain is fried by 6 pm or 7 pm when I usually finish. If I am going to talk to someone in the evening then hairstyles, office romances or other gossip and strictly are all I can cope with. Luckily I have no friends with young children so won’t be upsetting your day by talking to you about such trivial and unimportant matters.

This is why I no longer have friends with kids. They basically tell you to fuck off or ghost you and treat you like any worth you had to them as a friend has disappeared now they have a kid and you don’t. I stopped making the effort to maintain contact and the only time I hear from them is when they want something from me. They show zero interest in me or my life so I just don’t bother now.

I found that one of the problems was that once my friends had children, the subject of children dominated the conversation and often dictated when and where we met. I didn't find children fascinating before I had my own and I'm still not that interested in hearing about bedtime routines, diet, childcare problems etc.

You could do what my best friend did. She got her husband to answer the phone and he told me not to call in the evenings around the time of eastenders as it’s her time to watch tv shows. I took the hint. But the friendship died soon after

You're overthinking this.

If it's not a convenient time, don't answer or answer and tell them that it's not a good time with the baby and you'll call back when it's more suitable.

Honestly, I wouldn't be shocked if you're back here in a few months, moaning that your friends have all ditched you.

Would you rather they didn't contact you? Just be upfront if it's not a good time-it's not difficult and when it's a better time, contact them. But the tone of your post reads that their lives aren't that important because they don't have kids and you do-when that's not remotely true.

Have you considered that they're trying to keep you in the loop with them so that you know they haven't ditched you since you had a kid?

A lot of people don't seem to like talking on the phone long (or at all!) these days, but then they seem to spend much more time online. Probably also on a phone. People of all ages seem to be more likely to complain to Reddit about their partner's thoughtless present, and ask a load of strangers what they should do, rather than to ring a friend/sibling etc. Work aside, I can't remember the last time I spent more than 5 minutes on a phone call, and I's much rather people messaged me than phoned (my argument is that I don't necessarily have to stop what I'm doing). Don't know if that's a positive thing overall.
In your particular case, you could firmly say you've got to leave in 10 minutes when they call, or if you really don't want calls, ignore them, or set boundaries, like texting back that you're free between 9-9.30 but then you're having a shower or whatever.

Can't you just be honest. Hey I love you guys but atm im feeling run ragged and exhausted with DS and when you call i feel distracted the whole chat and then guilty I didnt give my attention and irritable becauae if I wasnt busy I could be getting some food. Id prefer if we didnt do these long calls atm but what if we made time to grab dinner one evening/meet me and DS for park and some lunch/whatever?

So when do you plan to have time for them? What's the point of friends if it's all one way? How would you feel if they never called?

Absolutely agree as long as OP knows when she needs a friend she is willingly to accept they won't be any friends.