If you worked 3 days but earned more than DH, would you do housework on your days off?

[namechange0998776554799000]

Just that really. Our situation is much more complicated, but in a nutshell I work 3 days a week, school hours & term time only, but still earn slightly more than DH who works full time. I'd say we share most housework roughly equally at the weekends and evenings, I do more cooking as he gets home late but he cleans the kitchen. I do more childcare but he does school runs.

My question is whether he should be peeved if I spend my two days off a week watching Netflix/getting a haircut/meeting friends, rather than cleaning the bathroom (as I just started to, which prompted this thread). Personally I feel like since we earn equally, I should do what I like on my days off and not feel guilty about it. Actually I feel like it's kudos to me for being in this situation 🤷‍♀️

DH hasn't actually expressed anything on the matter (yet).

I will still clean the bathroom, because it needs it, but I don't plan to feel bad about watching the traitors afterwards.

From a male perspective, I would be happy for you to spend some time relaxing, but don't overdo it. A marriage is a partnership before having children, afterwards there shouldn't be any issues that could later turn to an argument because one or both of you are tired etc.

I think you need to strike a balance. If you do less or nothing on your 'days off', he is still working hard. Earnings really shouldn't come into it. After all, he will only have 2 days to spend on chores, spending quality time with you and children. He also needs to recharge and not be asked to do more over that period.

But what do you actually do when your child is sobbing on the floor and refusing to get dressed to go to school? Could you just walk out the door and leave them? Kids that get to the point of persistent school refusal are often extremely distressed. At one point we were at the stage where we weren't even supposed to leave our teen alone in a room with the door closed let alone leave her alone in the house. And then (assuming you can actually get any help) there are loads of appointments and meetings to go to. OP's husband wouldn't do it, she didn't really have much choice.

So men who earn 100% more than women should never do any housework?

Get a cleaner, saves loads of arguments.

I wouldn't see it that way - some very worthwhile jobs are long hours, hard work but poor pay. It seems very unfair to judge a partner merely in terms of how much money they earn and expect them to do an equal amount in the house if they've had to work more hours. It would be better to get the housework done on at least one of your free days, then spend more time doing fun stuff with DH when he's not working.

I think I’d have to go in with expectation that the impact would be shared, and if he absolutely refused then to be honest I’d have left him.

Leaving him would lead to the same point workwise, but I’d rather be a single parent than splitting the load with someone who isn’t happy to actually split it.

Absolutely yes

If he's working at work I guess there is an expectation that you are working at home. But no reason you shouldn't have some fun time as well, particularly if the housework,, gardening and DIY stuff is all done.

Doesn’t matter who earns what. Both of you should have equal amounts of free time. I would personally want to free up more family time at weekends. Surely you could get some stuff done on one of the days off and chill on the other?

To be honest I think it’s common sense. Like I wouldn’t understand why anyone regardless of salary would procrastinate cleaning the bathroom, it’s just once of those get it done things (unless you have depression or otherwise unwell etc).

So if you were off work and noticed the bathroom needed cleaning sooner but put it off, I think that’s a bit poor. Equally if he noticed it needed doing, he could have done it sooner.

As I said there is more context and probably some resentment on my side due to being forced to give up my original career to care for DS. But we've moved on from that so maybe I need to put that aside and be a bit more pragmatic

That’s a big thing to do @namechange0998776554799000 dont minimise that sacrifice. You did it, not your husband. That’s worth something frankly.

How much cleaning do you have that you would take 2 whole days a week plus cleaning at the weekend.

When I worked full time I did some hoovering about once every 2 weeks. Ditto changing the sheets - I’m a slob I know. There was cooking and laundry of course. I used to send the ironing out though.

I never did anything at the weekend apart from the cooking and laundry. We only had one son, so not much child related work.

Would responses be different if op was a man?

If your situation was reversed, your dh would be considered absolutely awful for not doing more housework. Of course you should.
That doesn't mean taking no time for yourself at all but it's not a competition! You're both contributing to your family income.

I earn 43% more than my husband per day worked. He cooks and we share washing clothes/cleaning the kitchen. I still clean the rest of the house and do household admin tasks on my 1 day off. The housework still needs doing, regardless of whether I have days off or not. It wouldn't be fair to expect him to do all the housework just because he earns less than me.

On paper, it made me no sense for me to be the one to give up work. But he refused, I gave up my career and will never regain what I had before.

You’re a saint @namechange0998776554799000 That would have been divorce territory for me. And in 40 years your husband has done next to no house work? Watch as much Netflix as you feel like !

Your husband sounds like a bit of a knob.

Sounds like a healthy relationship, why not do both? Bit of housework then feet up , cup of tea and Netflix!
Cleaning can be as easy or as hard as you want it to be!

Obviously.

If I was working 5 days and DH was working 3, I'd expect him to do all.of the housework. How much you or he earns is irrelevant.

What is the point of life, is it just to work? Many people don’t make it to retirement or die a few years in. Starting your life at retirement age is a big gamble imo. Many won’t have the level of physical health to fully enjoy the pot of gold either.

And I disagree that a man doing equal house work, equal child care and with equal earnings would be called a bum. There would probably be loads of posters saying ‘poor ikle bloke deserves some down time.’

Op, tell your DP that when he earns enough to work three days a week he can enjoy a bit of traitors too!

The person spending less time at work should do more so you have the same time free. Earnings are irrelevant.

I have been in this situation before as I earn a lot more than DH.

This!

If this were the other way around and a woman were saying that her husband was having two days off to do nothing because they earned more but expected to split the chores 50/50 there’d be cries of LTB. Do you actually love him? You sound selfish.

I think it’s irrelevant how much you both earn - housejold chores should be equal. That said my husband assumes I’ll do everything because I work 3-4 days/week and he is ft. But frankly once the kids have left home in next three years I’m off.

I made the mistake of replying to your original post without reading all the other things you’ve said since. There is a lot more going on here than just a difference in work hours. I appreciate it was never intended, but you did kind of drip feed. On the surface, it should be equal time off for both of you, but he doesn’t sound willing to do his share in general so it’s a more complicated situation.

What you need is a rest op, that’s allowed, take a break on your days off. It’s not the same as saying I earn the same so shouldn’t be doing housework.

If you’re going to spend your NWD working in the home to ensure that DH has free time at the weekend, you may as well work 5 days and earn the money. I’m with you OP.