Colleague on maternity leave snapped at me when she visited with her baby

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One of my colleagues is a couple of months post partum and visited today with her newborn.

Prior to going on mat leave, she was very ‘vocal’ shall we say about pregnancy symptoms etc and with a small group of us, talked about her sex life.

We were chatting away today and, knowing how open she usually is, I asked her if she was ‘active’ again yet (I asked this light heartedly - I think the term I used was ‘are you getting any action’).

She snapped at me and said that’s not on her mind and how dare I ask such a question!! It was incredibly awkward, I obviously apologised and then made my excuses to step away.

I know hormones and all that - but given what’s she’s usually like, and was like throughout pregnancy, I can’t help but find that an OTT response?!

It's not recommended before 6 weeks afaik and some women will still be experiencing post partum bleeding until then and may be uncomfortable and also uninterested. Anyway, the OP's colleague obviously thought it inappropriate and, tbh, so do I. Who asks such an intimate question of anyone in what was clearly a work environment with other people present? Crass.

Back to paid work, you mean?

Its really not normal to talk excessively about your sex life at work and just because the colleague did it, it doesn't mean the OP needs to follow her bad example.

What a peculiar thing to ask anyone, especially a new mother.

That’s a really weird, inappropriate and creepy thing to ask OP.

@Ifeellikeateenageragain

Except that was months ago.

That's not exactly irrelevant. It's not as if people can't talk about the same things that were discussed months ago.

The woman has just gone through a major physical, hormonal, and emotional upheaval.

Which is understandable. So if I don't want to discuss something, I decline to discuss it. I don't scream at the person for asking a question.

@Coconutter24 Before she went off on maternity. If you’ve not seen someone for a couple of months you don’t start asking them if they’ve had any action.

Really bizarre comment. If something was a good discussion topic a few months ago, it's generally fair to assume that they still enjoy discussing the same topic.

As I explained, I think it's fair enough that she doesn't want to discuss the topic again because she is undoubtedly tired. But if I don't feel like talking about something... I simply decline the conversation...

I'm not disagreeing with the not the norm to discuss
but the it is the norm for the lady involved it’s not OP’s fault that she’s found a moral compass and changed the goalposts

She snapped about the topic because it’s something that didn’t use to bother her but now does. So no, to answer your question, it’s unlikely that she is and it’s likely that she’s conscious about it!

Nobody missed it. It's just that we know that it was a horribly inappropriate comment for you to have made, regardless of previous conversations, and we all think it's absolutely bizarre that it would enter your head to do so.

As someone said above, it was a creepy thing to ask. It's got nothing to do with morality and everything to do with respectful boundaries. A woman who has recently had a baby is not going to want to chat to workmates about fucking. Normal people would understand this without having to ask a forum about it.

"Are you getting any action?" is like something out of Carry on Camping movie, or something some grubby man at the pub might say. No question had to be asked at all, and certainly not in that weird fashion.

You asked, and we told you.

You're wrong.

Yeah so as you don't ask the question then you don't know So how can you assume someone not recovered

And what's " not recommended" and actually happens are 2 different things. Been enough women pregnant at the postnatal check in life. With one of mine I was still needing ( dunno about sore as do wasn't around to try sex) at 5 weeks or so. Another the bleeding lasted less than week and I was up for it within a fortnight. So you can't assume women are uninterested incapable etc.

It's not a question id ask though. But then again I wouldn't be asking anything about the baby either simply wouldn't care

How can you do kit day with a baby intow? Just ridiculous.

How is that a bizarre comment? I’d say that’s pretty normal.

If something was a good discussion topic a few months ago, it's generally fair to assume that they still enjoy discussing the same topic.

No it isn’t.

But I recognise your user name and I know from your other posts that you struggle to navigate social nuances.

Of course I understand why they might find it difficult, and I sympathise. But I don’t think it’s feasible for people in that situation to be shielded from the presence of babies and pregnancy.

I think that, as with any other type of trauma or bereavement, navigating those sorts of situations is sadly just part of life. It’s difficult, but someone’s personal struggles can’t govern a workplace.

FWIW, where I work, we would be told in advance when someone was coming in and would have the opportunity not to engage. An email would go round saying “Hi all, X is coming in on Thursday afternoon for a catch-up along with Baby Y - feel free to say hi if you want to! If you prefer, just let me know if there’s anything you’re working on that you think she’d like to hear about” or something like that. People aren’t obliged to be present.

It was inappropriate of her to discuss her sex life at work, but even more inappropriate of you to bring it up. YABU.

Depends how employers do KIT days. In places where I’ve worked, it’s often been not much more than a catch-up chat and maybe an opportunity for to have lunch with colleagues.

Obviously if it’s a corporate away day or a full day of formal meetings, a woman is unlikely to want to bring the baby. And a snoozing newborn is obviously a different prospect to a lively 11-month old. But we’ve always just played it by ear.

@BauhausOfEliott But I recognise your user name and I know from your other posts that you struggle to navigate social nuances.

Ironically your posts indicate the same of you.

I certainly did not intend to sound patronising by assuming OP had never given birth. I’m at a loss to understand the extremely unprofessional choice to ask anyone about their sex life at work, particularly a new mother. You are correct that it is about OP’s choices, whether OP is a parent or not.

It is OP’s responsibility to decide how she herself behaves at work. Saying “I did it because she did it before” is immature and unprofessional.

She cannot accuse you of sexual harrassment - talking about your sex life to colleagues also counts as harassment according to SH training!

Im surprised so many people said YABU tbh. I mean, I would never ask that question, but it is 100% a response to her weird oversharing at work.