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AIBU?

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Original poster

Colleague on maternity leave snapped at me when she visited with her baby

221 replies

Shareinvest · 08/10/2025 21:23

One of my colleagues is a couple of months post partum and visited today with her newborn.

Prior to going on mat leave, she was very ‘vocal’ shall we say about pregnancy symptoms etc and with a small group of us, talked about her sex life.

We were chatting away today and, knowing how open she usually is, I asked her if she was ‘active’ again yet (I asked this light heartedly - I think the term I used was ‘are you getting any action’).

She snapped at me and said that’s not on her mind and how dare I ask such a question!! It was incredibly awkward, I obviously apologised and then made my excuses to step away.

I know hormones and all that - but given what’s she’s usually like, and was like throughout pregnancy, I can’t help but find that an OTT response?!

OP posts:
bellinisurge · 09/10/2025 07:37

Being a new mother doesn’t stop someone from being an irritating oversharing creep. But in this situation, she wasn’t being an irritating oversharing creep, she was bringing in her new baby. And even if she was an irritating oversharing creep - which she clearly wasn’t, btw -, don’t participate

KimberleyClark · 09/10/2025 07:37

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/10/2025 05:04

You don’t speak for majority I’ve always always loved meeting babies that Come in it’s a good mood boost of happy hormones cuddling them

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I found it very hard when I was struggling with infertility. On bad days having to hide in the loo. On good days holding the baby and everyone saying it’ll be you next. It never was.

PinkyFlamingo · 09/10/2025 07:42

Why did you want to know?

AngelinaFibres · 09/10/2025 07:59

Shareinvest · 08/10/2025 21:28

I did apologise to her. I just couldn’t believe the response given how brazen she was a matter of months ago!

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She can overshare if she wants to. Very grim but she is still allowed. That doesn't mean you are allowed to ask her an incredibly personal question.

pizzaHeart · 09/10/2025 08:02

If someone over shares it’s on them but asking questions is very different. It was your mistake and you rightly apologized, so don’t dwell on your colleague’s response, she responded on YOUR inappropriate question. Your other colleagues probably understood why you did this mistake and cut you some slack so that’s the end.
I think in general it’s very inappropriate question (and topic) on the workplace new mother or not so I would refrain in the future from being involved in it or encouraging it.

C8H10N4O2 · 09/10/2025 08:03

FlockofSquirrels · 08/10/2025 23:04

I can't believe adults are still needing to be told this in 2025 but here goes:

Don't bring up or ask about people's sex lives in the workplace. The only exception to this is if you are a medical or mental health provider, they are a patient/client, and it's relevant to their treatment.

This rule is actually separate from the one that OP's coworker apparently needs reminding of: don't discuss your sex life in the workplace.

Someone else making the unwise and unprofessional choice to break one of these two rules doesn't change what you should (or in this case shouldn't) do, which is continue to follow both of these rules yourself.

Completely agree and in this case apparently the manager also needs telling.

There are multiple threads at the moment about inappropriate behaviour in the workplace rooted in a combination of over sharing, over nosiness and recipient adults apparently unable to simply say “not interested” and “none of you business”, instead wanting to invoke “HR” or the equalities act first when simply communicating like an adult would resolve most issues.

Its tempting to blame it on “bring your whole self to work” but that is too easy!

BigDeepBreaths · 09/10/2025 08:05

she was very ‘vocal’ shall we say about pregnancy symptoms etc and with a small group of us, talked about her sex life.

Your OP sounded judgemental, yet you lowered yourself to her level and brought it back to sex. Her prior oversharing was wrong, and your question was wrong. Her reaction is a red herring in this post. YABU.

Autumnhasarrived2025 · 09/10/2025 08:06

Iceandfire92 · 09/10/2025 05:48

Most people under the age of 50 complained about it in my old office and found it distracting. It was never the men who surrounded the women bringing in their new babies awkwardly making the appropriate noises, they just remained at their desk and got on with their work. I actually think the OP's colleague was just as inappropriate for bringing in her baby where everyone was working. It is attention-seeking, presumptuous that your work colleagues care that you had a baby and potentially insensitive to those struggling with loss/conceiving who could be caught off-guard by this. Offices are for working, if you want to show off your baby, why not meet your colleagues who are interested in a cafe?

Edited
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Agreed. We had a colleague turn up with their baby as a 'special surprise' (senior manager's wording), so no warning in advance. Ended up with a colleague sobbing outside as they'd just returned to work following a miscarriage which had required surgerical intervention, so she was still in recovery.

Also had another colleague make a quick exit out the door, as they were still getting over a very traumatic pregnancy and new born babies tended to bring the whole experience back to her.

There is no professional reason a baby needs to be brought into the workplace, meet up outside work if you want to see them but not in the actual office.

arcticpandas · 09/10/2025 08:09

CrystalShoe · 08/10/2025 22:16

Re. your last line, I wonder about that all the time. I'm childless mostly by choice, and on the one hand, I recognise that people have kids to please themselves, not for altruistic reasons. But on the other hand, they are killing themselves raising the next generation and going through a ton of sacrifice, for possibly not a lot of return. That is selfless and it's just so much work and expense. I didn't want to take it all on, personally, but there's no doubt that parents are engaged in something that really benefits society, and I....am not. (Although I've done enormous amounts of elder care for my late parents.)

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Well, the planet is overcrowded so it's actually you who are helping the society by not having kids. I have two and there was nothing altruistic about it. I love children but I could have worked in a nursery/school but decided to selfishly have my own. You have absolutely no reason to try to justify your existence- it's us parents who ought to justify having children in this world in the first place. You sound lovely by the way🌷

pumpkinscake · 09/10/2025 08:10

Iceandfire92 · 08/10/2025 22:00

You were inappropriate...But oh my God, why do some people on mat leave bring in their babies? I find it sooo egotistical! Expecting women in the office to immediately stop what they are doing to politely coo over the baby and make the right noises. The majority of people are simply being polite and secretly hoping the mum and baby will leave so everyone can get back to work.

See, I think the majority of people are delighted to see a new born baby, and congratulate a colleague on a major life event

PretendToBeToastWithMe · 09/10/2025 08:11

Yikes, even if she offered up tons of information on this prior to leaving this is so inappropriate to ask anyone with a newborn. Agree with the poster who said I wouldn’t even ask/joke about this with my best friend! There’s nothing funny about the toll giving birth takes on your body, especially if there are complications.

Merseymum1980 · 09/10/2025 08:12

MrsAnon6 · 08/10/2025 21:34

I don’t think you did anything wrong. If that was how she always spoke to you and your friendship typically has that level of openness and candour then her response was unkind. You can’t be an open book then get angry when people ask you questions.

This

thegifttaegieus · 09/10/2025 08:13

Good grief. You're in the wrong. Just accept it.

Didimum · 09/10/2025 08:17

Shareinvest · 08/10/2025 21:54

It certainly seems like it…

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I don’t think it matters that she used to talk about it before having a baby. It is a notoriously sensitive part of life post-baby and I think you should have considered that. It’s good you apologised.

TheatricalLife · 09/10/2025 08:21

Vitriolinsanity · 08/10/2025 21:43

Given I clenched with cringe for you Internet Stranger I’m amazed your toenails didn’t fly off in horrified amazement.

I also clenched with cringe! What a question to ask to someone visiting a workplace with their baby. I'd be praying she had a long maternity leave so I could recover.

Werp · 09/10/2025 08:28

It’s just a different topic postpartum. You’re asking something that now relates to a huge, painful and often traumatic experience that she’s recently been through. Sex itself might be impossible for her, or painful, or just daunting. She might be incontinent or have a lot of ongoing pain, and feel upset about that. She will still be full of postpartum hormones that make her newborn the priority and might make even thinking about sex unappealing. Although it’s been said as if it’s an excuse or a joke she might be feeling pressured by her partner, and that’s a horrible situation and not one you want to exacerbate.

So any PP talking about personality transplants or your implication that she previously ‘set the tone’ is irrelevant - it’s a different topic, and there’s a high probability it relates to recent or ongoing physical or emotional trauma. YABVU

Ilikecocacola · 09/10/2025 08:30

PinkyFlamingo · 09/10/2025 07:42

Why did you want to know?

This.

Worriedalltheday · 09/10/2025 08:32

Yikes. That was wholly inappropriate. She might have been the office big mouth, but this was out of order.

Lobelia123 · 09/10/2025 08:33

Some women get a Madonna complex after they give birth....theyre supersnug and happy in this lovely new baby bubble and suddenly experience the whole Earth Mother thing. It sounds like she's firmly in this space and has forgotten or temporarily lost sight of her former raunchy open persona. Dont take it personally OP, just apologise and move on.

SL2924 · 09/10/2025 08:36

But why would you even want to know?

Meandmyguy · 09/10/2025 08:42

I could say this to my friends and it wouldn't be a problem.

I was pregnant myself within a month so they didn't need to ask me.

Figcherry · 09/10/2025 08:53

Meandmyguy · 09/10/2025 08:42

I could say this to my friends and it wouldn't be a problem.

I was pregnant myself within a month so they didn't need to ask me.

Wow. You must have been exhausted for 3 years straight.
It’s almost worse than twins because you have to go through two pregnancies back to back.

Dollymylove · 09/10/2025 09:01

ButSheSaid · 08/10/2025 21:40

Are you worried incase she reports you for sexual harassment? It's the employers responsibility to ensure none of their staff are sexually inappropriate.

I'm shocked that you thought that was a good question to ask in your workplace, and still think you're being so reasonable that you posted this thread.

If that was to happen, given that the victim has freely given details of her sex life previoulsy, maybe OP could make a counter claim?
OPs comment waa probably a tad inappropriate but she apologised and that should be the end of the matter

Itstheshowgirl · 09/10/2025 09:04

Autumnhasarrived2025 · 09/10/2025 08:06

Agreed. We had a colleague turn up with their baby as a 'special surprise' (senior manager's wording), so no warning in advance. Ended up with a colleague sobbing outside as they'd just returned to work following a miscarriage which had required surgerical intervention, so she was still in recovery.

Also had another colleague make a quick exit out the door, as they were still getting over a very traumatic pregnancy and new born babies tended to bring the whole experience back to her.

There is no professional reason a baby needs to be brought into the workplace, meet up outside work if you want to see them but not in the actual office.

Show quote history

Weird eh because I was heavily pressured to visit with my babies (I didn’t though) so every place is different.

Reachedthefinalstage · 09/10/2025 09:17

Colleagues sharing intimate details of sex lives is totally inappropriate.
I wouldn't want to work in an environment where people did this, and worse still, where management condoned it.

I can only assume from your question to her you have absolutely no knowledge of what normal boundaries look like.