Colleague on maternity leave snapped at me when she visited with her baby

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One of my colleagues is a couple of months post partum and visited today with her newborn.

Prior to going on mat leave, she was very ‘vocal’ shall we say about pregnancy symptoms etc and with a small group of us, talked about her sex life.

We were chatting away today and, knowing how open she usually is, I asked her if she was ‘active’ again yet (I asked this light heartedly - I think the term I used was ‘are you getting any action’).

She snapped at me and said that’s not on her mind and how dare I ask such a question!! It was incredibly awkward, I obviously apologised and then made my excuses to step away.

I know hormones and all that - but given what’s she’s usually like, and was like throughout pregnancy, I can’t help but find that an OTT response?!

Oh ffs there are some dramatic comments here.

If this woman has previously shared intimate details about her sex life and made it a common point of discussion then it’s a bit unfair to act like OP has just asked her about it for the first time.

I know someone similar who went on constantly at work about how she was shattered because she’d shagging all night.
There was a group of us who knew that her DH Steven (fake name) referred to his willy as “little Steven” and we had a full description of “little Steven’s” measurements.
We heard about positions and how many times they had shagged and were even told about a threesome they had in the past.

I hated it and others were uncomfortable but some women joined in and also shared and they had a good laugh with lots of shrieking and “ohhh my god, you didn’t?!” Type comments.

One day Mrs oversharer informs us she’s trying for a baby. A few days later someone commented she looked like she’d been up all night and gave her a wink and Mrs oversharer asked briskly what she meant.

The other woman commented about baby making and “Mrs OS” snapped back that it was completely inappropriate to make such comments about something as special and sacred as trying for a baby. She went on and on saying “how dare she be so inappropriate” and to “recognise boundaries”.

It was so awkward but if you choose to open up your sex life to discussion and make it something people are comfortable to talk about with you then you can’t get angry when they don’t know that you have decided that subject is off limits. Some people would have happily laughed at OP’s comment or pointed out in a nicer way that they found it inappropriate rather than humiliating her.

I would never discuss my sex life at work but if I did then I’d recognise that I couldn’t pick and choose when it suited me once I’d made it clear it was an appropriate subject!

This is a typical example of a mumsnet pile on with some extreme reactions. I bet if OP mentioned this conversation to someone in real life they might wince a bit at the embarrassing exchange but not act like OP had asked for a blow by blow (bad choice of words maybe 😂) account of her work friends sex life!

I honestly don't mean to sound flippant but do you have problems with reading social cues or understanding context, genuinely, because otherwise I can't think for the life of me why you would think that was an appropriate thing to ask.

@CrystalShoe a quick flick through MN on any given day will quickly prove that there are an awful of lot of parents absolutely not "killing themselves", "going through a ton of sacrifice" or being "selfless". There are some great parents out there, but there are also some terrible ones who bring children into this world for all the wrong reasons.

I personally wouldn't ask this question to a new mum (even if they previously spoke a lot about their sex life), just because I know that it can be a touchy subject. I would wait for them to bring it up if they wanted to talk about it.

But I think the responses you're getting are a bit harsh! I think you must have hit a nerve with her - and thats why she reacted the way she did. But yeah don't overthink it! It will be forgotten by the time she comes back to work.

Except it wasn’t an established discussion topic on that day. Started by her.

It also wasn’t an established discussion topic when the topic was postnatal sex.

Anyone who’s been in that situation should be pretty aware that that’s a very sensitive topic. As will anyone who had birth trauma. So unless she started it, you were being mind blowingly insensitive.

A good whipping and the words “gossip” branded on her forehead!

I voted YABU OP because the question is inappropriate in any setting other than having an intimate conversation with your best friend or your GP .......but I have worked with an 'over sharer' where absolutely nothing was off limits. She never realised people never shared back but I think she was very happy with the shock factor and being the office clown. I worked in the organisation for quite a long time and noticed this woman was often 'transferred' to different departments. She had a very volatile temperament. She spoke about her sex life completely inappropriately and in the next breath could snap someone's head off for asking where a file was. Oversharers tend to share on their terms. Be wary of them.

I am usually the first to jump on oversensitive, explosive girls, but this question was definitely not appropriate for the office!

You’re not seriously asking if yabu?
I mean I dunno that you have kids but it’s not the same ball game the first few weeks after birth vs pregnancy. That was a very insensitive and intrusive thing to ask to a brand new mum.

The scold's bridle and judgement by the town folk!

There are some pretty harsh responses here OP.

I've had 4 babies and had tricky births. That comment wouldn't have bothered me at all amongst friends as I am assuming you are (as well as colleagues). Everyone is different I know but live and learn. She will survive and so will you 😃

I know people like that at work. While I wouldn't ask such a question I don't think you were unreasonable. If someone constantly talks about sex then what do they expect?

Somewhat inappropriate 2 months after having given birth. She won't have recovered from pushing out the baby yet. Perhaps you haven't done this?

Women are ready to have sex after childbirth at all different times, due to various factors. So it's not something I would ask about, especially not in a jokey way.
It's very different to girly chat when you haven't recently been through a huge physical process involving the vagina. She could have needed 50 stitches for all you know.

Hopefully she will put it down to you not really understanding.

I really don’t think you should’ve asked that. I’m pretty open with colleagues but after an extended episiotomy and a tear a PPH, an infection and granulomatous scar tissue I’ve been told by my specialist physio likely no sex until he’s 1.
maybe she is similar… my colleagues got the whole birth story though so they already know (he was worth every second and I’d do it a million times over )

And another one. It would be great if you didn't do this. Thanks.

😴

I am cringing for you.
Maybe all the openness before was fear about the upcoming changes. And now it has happened. And you jumped in with both feet.

Oh come on now.

This is technically classed as sexual harassment in the workplace from the 2010 equality act. If she reports you, you could face the sack.

I guess she thinks it’s reasonable because the colleague had often talked about her sex life. Most of us assume a topic someone else brings up frequently is an ok topic to bring up with them.

Nah- the op could simply say if so I and others have been frequently sexually harassed by this woman over the month from Jan to July where every Tuesday at lunch she instigated topics such as: 1, 2, 3, 4
her manager was right there. The op is not going to be done for sexual harassment.

Have you had a baby yet OP?

Lmao 🤣 🤣 🤣 this sort of thing would keep me up for the rest of my life !
You just have to remember work colleagues are not your friends and can change up at any given time sadly .

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt??!?!?!?!?!

OP shame on you for not understanding that having a baby = complete personality transplant 🤔😬