Colleague on maternity leave snapped at me when she visited with her baby

[Shareinvest]

One of my colleagues is a couple of months post partum and visited today with her newborn.

Prior to going on mat leave, she was very ‘vocal’ shall we say about pregnancy symptoms etc and with a small group of us, talked about her sex life.

We were chatting away today and, knowing how open she usually is, I asked her if she was ‘active’ again yet (I asked this light heartedly - I think the term I used was ‘are you getting any action’).

She snapped at me and said that’s not on her mind and how dare I ask such a question!! It was incredibly awkward, I obviously apologised and then made my excuses to step away.

I know hormones and all that - but given what’s she’s usually like, and was like throughout pregnancy, I can’t help but find that an OTT response?!

WTF? You are so lucky if she doesn’t escalate that to HR. Totally inappropriate and imagine if you’d been a male colleague asking her that?? You’d be fired. Send her a card with an apology and hope she forgives you.

It sounds as if her dh may have brought it up with her, too and you mentioning it was the final straw.

If it was a regular topic of conversation before then I don’t think you were that inappropriate.

Sometimes, women go right off sex after their baby is born.

But it wasn’t a man asking her that 🤣

You don’t speak for majority I’ve always always loved meeting babies that Come in it’s a good mood boost of happy hormones cuddling them

I think you touched a nerve with her and you got the answer to your question 😂

Yes this. Or she may be infected or incontinent or have healing wounds or prolapse

Most people under the age of 50 complained about it in my old office and found it distracting. It was never the men who surrounded the women bringing in their new babies awkwardly making the appropriate noises, they just remained at their desk and got on with their work. I actually think the OP's colleague was just as inappropriate for bringing in her baby where everyone was working. It is attention-seeking, presumptuous that your work colleagues care that you had a baby and potentially insensitive to those struggling with loss/conceiving who could be caught off-guard by this. Offices are for working, if you want to show off your baby, why not meet your colleagues who are interested in a cafe?

Please don't say you said that out loud in front of other colleagues.

I agree.

She did set the tone.

She's probably gotten a bit of a fright now that she's had her baby.

Steer well clear of her because this might come back on you.

You can tell that it's a full moon

Well given it was a normal topic of conversation for her I don’t think it was an outrageous ask

Ironic considering the multiple patronizing responses you had provided. I simply responded in kind.

Enjoy your day.

With personal things like a persons sex life it’s better to let them lead. So if she had raised it fine but it’s really not appropriate for you to raise even if she has discussed it in the past. Likelihood is she is sore, emotional and exhausted , she’s unlikely to want to joke about her sex life.

A mistake @Shareinvest but if she starts with explicit conversations after she returns from leave, you can shut her down in a similar way. It’s really not appropriate to talk about your sex life at work.

OP, I don't think you did anything wrong! If you had a close bantery relationship with your colleague/friend, where talking about her love of shagging was common, then this doesn't seem inappropriate at all 🤷🏼‍♀️

If a bloke had asked her it would have been seem as pervy and sexual harassment. But coming out of a womanns mouth is weird and I'd have biten your head off too. Doesn't maytter if she's gobby normally if she's leading the convo. You were out of order.

Before she went off on maternity. If you’ve not seen someone for a couple of months you don’t start asking them if they’ve had any action.

What a strange attitude. Some.of us absolutely love it when people bring in their baby. If you dont want to say hello then thats absolutely fine, crack on with your work. But dont let those of us who like it miss out.

And its definitely not just women, my DH is always the first one over to see a baby. He adores them.

I also enjoy people bringing in dogs and cakes. Anything to break up the day!

You shouldn't have asked regardless of what she said before baby came. You obviously touched a nerve, it's quite possible that like many couples this is an area where things haven't got back on track and may well be causing a bit of issue in the marriage. Lesson learned, never ask parents of a newborn this question.

I think you were totally in the wrong for this.

its one thing if she instigated discussion about sex on that occasion post-pregnancy, but she didn’t. you did.

Isn’t it common sense that not every woman feels comfortable having sex straight after birth, she might not feel totally back to normal, might not have a sex drive, might feel insecure or whatever. I don’t think it’s the sort of question you ask, to a colleague on a KIT day. If you were that close, you’d be discussing it over personal messages/in private chat like you would with an actual friend.

I don’t think it’s that she’s being a hypocrite. More that she clearly doesn’t feel comfortable having that discussion with you…because her situation has changed.

Whether I have children or not is irrelevant and frankly none of your business.

Do you usually struggle with social interactions? Wondering if you can find it difficult to know how to navigate conversations. If not, then the question is vile!

Except that was months ago. The woman has just gone through a major physical, hormonal, and emotional upheaval.

OP I think what you can learn from this is that in these circumstances you take your lead from the other person and wait for them to volunteer information/provide an opening.

I'm not surprised she snapped and good on her.

The only weird thing here is that you talk about these thinhs with work colleagues and at work!!???

Are you generally someone who struggles to judge tone and appropriate conversation topics in context? I’m guessing so, as you seem to think that because she was happy to volunteer information about sex in the past when you were daily colleagues, it’s fine for you to ask her if she’s getting any when she comes in with her newborn on maternity leave?

For all you know she is dealing with bad birth injuries. It was supremely tactless.

Hahahahahaahaaaaaa this has given me a good lol.

what did your other colleagues do? I’d have convulsed with embarrassment for you.