Colleague on maternity leave snapped at me when she visited with her baby

[Shareinvest]

One of my colleagues is a couple of months post partum and visited today with her newborn.

Prior to going on mat leave, she was very ‘vocal’ shall we say about pregnancy symptoms etc and with a small group of us, talked about her sex life.

We were chatting away today and, knowing how open she usually is, I asked her if she was ‘active’ again yet (I asked this light heartedly - I think the term I used was ‘are you getting any action’).

She snapped at me and said that’s not on her mind and how dare I ask such a question!! It was incredibly awkward, I obviously apologised and then made my excuses to step away.

I know hormones and all that - but given what’s she’s usually like, and was like throughout pregnancy, I can’t help but find that an OTT response?!

Yes this ia what I think also

No, our manager was present and when she left she remarked to me ‘I think the answer to your question was no’ so she saw the funny side at least!

If she chooses to overshare that's on her, but to ask isn't on.

I don't understand what the funny side is.

Isn't it usually for people to volunteer that sort of information?

Well her life and body are both a tad different to a few months ago FFS!
People on here usually say give your head a wobble. You’re lucky she didn’t give your face a slap. How unprofessional and inappropriate. I can’t believe you’ve come in here and admitted you ever said this, but I guess that speaks even louder about you than anyone else.

Her choice to share. Your responsibility not ask.
yabvu

So you want us to say that you weren't being unreasonable then..? If the manager also thinks it's funny, what sort of workplace culture have you got going on there? Wouldn't get away with it where I work but then I'm in the public sector and thankfully people's private lives are respected.

YABVU and fecking weird

This is incredibly inappropriate to ask her. It doesn’t matter what she chose to tell you about her intimate life before you should not have asked her that when she has come into her work place with her new baby and is no doubt dealing with the huge change she has just gone through, read the room! It doesn’t matter how “brazen” she was in talking about her sex life before you should have taken her lead on conversation topics and used your common sense that this wouldn’t necessarily be something she wanted to discuss.

It's one thing for her to offer information. It's another for you to ask it.
That was a weird and inapp question.

She set the tone. You've apologised, you don't need to grovel or whip yourself or anything. Her world has changed, not yours. She might pull in the over sharing in future.

You may have touched a nerve anyway. If she has the kind of bloke who would like the sex life back quickly. Some men see the 6 weeks recovery as some sort of countdown.

Don't beat yourself up. Despite the upcoming pages of posts wanting you to.

I can’t believe you asked such a question, I am actually shocked. If I was her I would report you.

I know hormones and all that

her hormones were not the issue

The above poster put it so well - a couple of months ago before having a baby might as well have been another life for her. You clearly haven’t had a baby.

@Shareinvest I wonder if everyone missed the part when you said that it was already an established discussion topic.

It certainly seems like it…

Can you explain what was funny, specifically? And why you think you're being reasonable?

Prior to maternity leave as in months ago.

Didn’t miss the part where it had previously been a topic

I can’t think of a work situation where it’s ok to ask when a colleague last had sex

You were inappropriate...But oh my God, why do some people on mat leave bring in their babies? I find it sooo egotistical! Expecting women in the office to immediately stop what they are doing to politely coo over the baby and make the right noises. The majority of people are simply being polite and secretly hoping the mum and baby will leave so everyone can get back to work.

I'm on maternity currently and I'd have told you if you had asked, don't see the issue with asking personally🤷🏻‍♀️

We haven't missed it, no. We just understand the difference between someone volunteering their own personal information and a coworker asking extremely personal questions unprompted (and yes it was unprompted, what she discussed months ago doesn't change that).

There are all sorts of layers to this when it comes to new mums - physical changes, relationship issues, etc - that OP doesn't seem to have much awareness of, but those aspects aren't actually necessary to understand why OP's question was inappropriate, especially in a workplace.

Did you not see this in the OP?
Prior to going on mat leave, she was very ‘vocal’ shall we say about pregnancy symptoms etc and with a small group of us, talked about her sex life.

Even if she was brazen and spoke openly about sex before pregnancy (and during!) It was a really creepy question to ask. Quite perverse, actually.