Colleague on maternity leave snapped at me when she visited with her baby

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One of my colleagues is a couple of months post partum and visited today with her newborn.

Prior to going on mat leave, she was very ‘vocal’ shall we say about pregnancy symptoms etc and with a small group of us, talked about her sex life.

We were chatting away today and, knowing how open she usually is, I asked her if she was ‘active’ again yet (I asked this light heartedly - I think the term I used was ‘are you getting any action’).

She snapped at me and said that’s not on her mind and how dare I ask such a question!! It was incredibly awkward, I obviously apologised and then made my excuses to step away.

I know hormones and all that - but given what’s she’s usually like, and was like throughout pregnancy, I can’t help but find that an OTT response?!

I then got pregnant with my 3rd when was 2nd was 6 months old and had her when my first was just 2.

I actually wasn't exhausted and I wish I could go back and do it all over again.

They are 17, 18 and 19 now.

For fuck sake! Why are all you ‘pearl clutching’ people giving the OP such a hard time! It was just a question - a light hearted bloody question given the colleague had previously brought this subject up (albeit prior to having a baby).

And for the record, I have had four children and not once did I have a “complete personality transplant” after giving birth. In fact I looked forward to getting back to work and enjoying those fab conversations we used to have during our down times. Those conversations gave us a much needed giggle in contrast to the very serious work we did day in and day out. I miss those times.

You set your own standards. If she over-shared previously that’s her decision, and she deals with the consequences. If you ask overly personal questions in a work environment that is on you. I cannot imagine asking that question in a work place.

Secondly if she has a very young baby she is undoubtedly incredibly tired, and probably stressed. Your question was incredibly insensitive. It may also have come across as rather judgemental, as in I’m assuming you’re having wild sex, why aren’t you?

I am assuming you have never given birth.

No, they just want a pile on.

It was an active topic of conversation and now it's clearly not - maybe something happened during the birth, maybe she's feeling insecure, hormones, who knows. All you can do is apologise and move on.

I think the difference is that a couple of months ago, she hadn’t just had a baby and wasn’t feeling like absolute shit.

I haven’t had kids. But my guess would be that chatting about your sex life is one thing before you’ve had the baby, but something you might feel pretty differently about a few weeks after you’ve squeezed a creature the size of a sack of spuds out of your vadge, had your perineum stitched, look like a deflated balloon and haven’t slept longer than two hours since the child arrived.

I expect that you - predictably in my opinion - came across as highly insensitive for mentioning shagging when she probably doesn’t even feel like her body belongs to her any more.

I guess OP should also report her then for historical over sharing of her adventures between the sheets 🤔

And anyone with an average level of social attunedness and sensitivity would have realised that. The fact that the OP asked a colleague visiting the workplace with her two-month old baby about her sex life and was appears baffled and annoyed enough about her sharp response to be posting on the internet about it suggests she lacks a normal level of social nuance.

I do agree with you. However in this instance- what has 'muddied the waters' here is a culture of inappropriate conversations and banter in the OP's workplace which has lead to a mistake in judgment at a later time.

Well, quite.

Some of the comments on here are bonkers.

Well aren’t you the life of the party. I’m sure you don’t have to go greet the mother and baby if you don’t want. Personally I would be sad not to get the chance to coo and congratulate.

Do you understand that there are nuances to conversations, and that the context of a conversation can make something more / less appropriate?

For example, my closest friends and I joke a lot about certain things, including sex and the various things that happen to women’s bodies as we age, that kind of thing. So that is an established topic.

However, when I was recovering from breast surgery they wouldn’t have said “So, have you let your boyfriend play with your tits in bed yet?” because they’ve got the ability to read a room.

They would be aware that for a woman who has just had a breast cancer scare and painful surgery, and might be suffering loss of sensation as well as feeling bad about her appearance due to scarring, sex might be a tricky subject and the question might feel intrusive. So they would wait for me to raise the subject if and when I wanted to.

Same applies to a woman who has had a baby. I don’t think it takes a genius to realise that a few weeks post-partum might be an insensitive time to start quizzing her about whether she’s had a shag lately. It doesn’t matter that they’ve talked about sex before. It’s simply a case of different talk for different times.

I wouldn't have asked, because I don't think it's appropriate to talk about sex in the work place, and that goes for her as well. She may well have made people very uncomfortable with her over-sharing in the past, so hopefully now she's been on the receiving end of an inappropriate comment she won't do it in future.
You're both as bad as each other.

In most workplaces, there’s a policy of keep-in-touch days for women on maternity leave, where they meet with their manager / team a couple of times during their leave so they don’t feel totally lost when they return, are aware of any major developments, and don’t feel isolated from their career path.

Given that plenty of people - especially if they’re breastfeeding - don’t have someone on hand to look after a tiny baby for them during the day, it makes life a lot easier if they can just bring the baby in with them for KIT meetings.

Plus, in my experience, most people are pleased for their colleague and happy to have a little peek at their new arrival. I’ve generally worked in places where most colleagues like each other, though.

I would not be comfortable with that question

I don't understand your confusion at my post.
The woman's previous conversation choices and OPs question are all sexual harassment, as others have also pointed out.

Colleagues sex lives are never appropriate chat subjects in a place of employment. 🤷‍♀️

It’s one thing volunteering information about one’s sex life, but asking about someone’s sex life is another thing. And quite inappropriate if you ask me under normal circumstances. Given this is a colleague AND someone who’s just had a baby I would say it’s even more inappropriate. Asking colleagues about their sex life is just very inappropriate. And surely you understand she’s probably too busy and tired to even wash her hair properly, let alone have time for sex? No wonder she snapped at you.

You don’t understand why those who have recently had a miscarriage or are struggling with infertility might find it difficult when a new baby arrives in the office?

The OP and other colleagues could have reported this woman for constantly talking about sex at work for the months and years ? Prior to going off on mat leave. No need for a card or for the OP to apologise any further. Just get on with the day and when she returns to the workplace and wants everyone to know about her sex life, then OP and the others can ignore the silly woman and get on with their work.

The posts claiming that childless people don’t understand are very patronising. I mean it doesn’t take a huge amount of thinking to understand that having a baby can wreck the undercarriage.

I am thanks 😂

you did what??? Do you really need to post on MN to understand how totally inappropriate that was??

I can understand WHY you thought it was ok to ask, based on previous conversations. But it really wasn’t ok. I’m an open book and will tell people anything and everything - even I read it and thought “omg you didn’t?” I think someone choosing to share information about their sex life is very different to someone asking about it. If you’d met her for a drink in the pub, it would have been more appropriate asking if things were back to normal. Asking her in the office in front of everyone was a really bad idea (was everyone present people she knew well and shared this detail with before or were there others there that she wouldn’t be comfortable sharing that level of detail with… eg her maternity cover?).

I think consider yourself lucky that she just snapped at you and that your boss hasn’t given you a formal disciplinary over it. I know you apologised at the time, but if you have her number I’d be tempted to text and say you’re really sorry about the question in the office, and you recognise now that it was ill-thought out. You hope she and the baby are well and enjoy the rest of her maternity leave.

I don’t know why
the woman she ask was very vocal about her sexlife
so it’s a reasonable assumption it was ok to ask .its not as though she never previously talked about it

I wouldn't ever ask someone that, but I still said YANBU, because she previously set the tone with all her TMI personal conversations, before giving birth. Apparently she feels more private, now, but she shouldn't be shocked that you didn't read her mind. Just pretend it never happened and maybe avoid her a bit for a while.

You haven’t given birth have you because, if you had, you wouldn’t have asked!

Lots of women have birth injuries, discomfort, or just feel really asexual after birth. Hormones are in the air. It's not something lots of women talk about. I think it's not something you raise first in an office environment.