Colleague on maternity leave snapped at me when she visited with her baby

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One of my colleagues is a couple of months post partum and visited today with her newborn.

Prior to going on mat leave, she was very ‘vocal’ shall we say about pregnancy symptoms etc and with a small group of us, talked about her sex life.

We were chatting away today and, knowing how open she usually is, I asked her if she was ‘active’ again yet (I asked this light heartedly - I think the term I used was ‘are you getting any action’).

She snapped at me and said that’s not on her mind and how dare I ask such a question!! It was incredibly awkward, I obviously apologised and then made my excuses to step away.

I know hormones and all that - but given what’s she’s usually like, and was like throughout pregnancy, I can’t help but find that an OTT response?!

I suspect this is the issue op ^ you view her as "brazen" and unfairly assumed she had no boundaries and all conversation at any time was fair game. That's on you not her. I can't imagine any new mother being okay with that question- especially inappropriate given the pressure lots of women are also put under to be intimate before they are ready.

I can't believe adults are still needing to be told this in 2025 but here goes:

Don't bring up or ask about people's sex lives in the workplace. The only exception to this is if you are a medical or mental health provider, they are a patient/client, and it's relevant to their treatment.

This rule is actually separate from the one that OP's coworker apparently needs reminding of: don't discuss your sex life in the workplace.

Someone else making the unwise and unprofessional choice to break one of these two rules doesn't change what you should (or in this case shouldn't) do, which is continue to follow both of these rules yourself.

Yes you can actually be upset that many months after you had a slightly gauche conversation at work a colleague asks if you’ve been fucking your husband. While you’re holding your newborn.

Weirdest thing I’ve heard all week

This is up there as one of the most bizarre things i’ve read on mumsnet

I think some of the responses are really harsh. If that’s something you normally discuss with your colleagues, and you didn’t ask in front of anyone who wouldn’t normally be part of those sorts of conversations, I don’t really see the problem.

I wouldn’t have asked but then I don’t ever have those sorts of conversations with anyone at work.

What is it you don't understand? People are often open and flippant about things when they are nervous, in this case knowing that her sex life is likely to be changed by having a baby. Now that has happened, she is in a place where she is coming to terms with just how much has changed. Maybe she thought herself that things would be more back to normal by this point, and they are not. And then OP has to open her mouth and start asking impertinent and inappropriate questions.

Sorry you didn't follow.

What’s all this “you clearly haven’t had a baby yet OP” nonsense. I have had 2 babies and I didn’t have a full personality transplant and suddenly become offended at stuff that previously delighted and amused me.

I’m not particularly open about my sex life, particularly at work but I have definitely worked with women who are very frank about it, talk about it often and everything is an innuendo. They’ve also had kids and were just the same after having them.

It was clearly a touchy subject for the colleague and OP put her foot in it but it’s obvious how OP thought it was comfortable territory given colleagues usual topics of conversation. Dont stress about it OP.

New around here?

Profoundly weird question to ask in these
circumstances.

Just take it on the chin.

I’m not saying she will. Doesn’t change what it is though. And she is well within her rights to lodge a complaint if she feels uncomfortable.

YANBU . If she is the sort of person you describe who was constantly going on about her sex life then I think it was a reasonable enough question!

I will tell you what I do understand - that you are a very patronizing individual. Hope that’s clear enough for you to follow.

Why on earth have you even the slightest interest in her sex life?

Pregnancy and childbirth can really do a number on you physically and mentally, if she had an active sex life before and had no problems discussing it, then there may be a issue now, her sex drive may have dropped off a cliff, she may be completely knackered, sleep deprived, or in pain still, or she just may not feel like it, she may be under pressure to get back to the way things were before, or feeling guilty that things have changed since giving birth, the possibilities are truly endless. Or she may just feel that after everything she's been through in relationship to birthing a child that her recovery and sex life is no one else's business anymore!!

So the bottom line is, even if you thought you knew before, you don't have the FIRST IDEA about her sex life now, so it is so completely out of line to assume that would even be on her radar, and out of line to ask such a personal question completely unprompted.

I can't believe you would think it was appropriate to even ask the question, and in front of other people too!!

It’s a bit of an unusual thing to ask her in front of your manager and perhaps poorly timed, OP. I’m not sure I’d do it myself, but I can see why you might ask something like that if you considered her a close friend and you normally had those light hearted jokey conversations.

However, if I had asked that and got that reaction I’d want the ground to swallow me and I’d not want to show my face at work again due to the shame! I feel so awful for you! You must be cringing so hard.

If you have your colleagues number I would text her another sincere apology and just explain how you misjudged the situation based on your previous conversations.

why do you even want to know if she’s “getting any action” such an odd thing to even ask amongst colleagues and to someone who has recently had a baby. I wouldn’t even ask a friend.

I don't think there was anything wrong with the question, especially considering how openly she has discussed her sex life in the past. It would be different if she had never mentioned it, but that's not the situation here. Clearly, you hit a sensitive spot.

What I really disagree with are the rude comments directed at OP, suggesting that she doesn't have children and therefore can't relate. How can you be so sure she doesn't? And what if OP has experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or struggles with infertility? I think those comments were much more inappropriate than what OP said to her colleague.

I would chalk it up to experience and those kinds of questions are probably better asked off the workplace floor. When I brought my bub in, it was just a short visit to people who wanted to see the baby and a general chat.

Do you have kids?
If yes, don't you remember?
If not, did you know - She may be in pain, exhausted, suffering pnd, having to cope with partner pestering her for sex before she's ready.
And having you asking a rude intrusive question? Accept you screwed up and stop being defensive.

I don’t know why any of this is relevant,

It’s entirely inappropriate to ask any work colleague about their sex life at any time, regardless of what they’ve previously volunteered or whether they’re currently holding a baby.

What workplace have you worked in where this question would be ok?

Totally unacceptable.

It was and is her choice to be brazen about sharing her activity.
It is completely inappropriate for you to start a discussion asking her about her private life. A BIG difference.

Perhaps her hormones made her prone to oversharing and combined with a lack of realisation about how she might feel post birth, she may feel embarrassed and shocked that sex and the lack of it had seemed so important. Not that they're unimportant, just less pressing than her current situation.

If you value the relationship, even in working terms, apologise for getting it wrong and simply say you hope she and baby are well.

We are profoundly different after giving birth.

Hopefully you can salvage something, you must be quite friendly for her to visit.

How the hell would you know if she's recovered or not? Many people have sex way before then

Going to disagree with the consensus here... if that is her usual manner, then I don't think you did anything wrong.

I've got a friend, who is very open and actively seeks + enjoys chatting about sexual/intimate things that most people (including me) would not normally find comfortable to discuss..

That is her dynamic, and fair enough - no judgment from me. Every time we meet up, I know that she is going to be open and want to discuss these things...

Having a baby doesn't immediately alter your personality and communication/friendship dynamics and I would expect that seeing her after, she would be somewhat the same. If she has a 180 degree turn, and suddenly got offended at the type of talk we had as our "Normal" dynamic before. I would be annoyed.

Completely agree! Especially if that’s what she usually talks about! I wouldn’t worry about it… just make sure you coo over the baby next time you see her.