Colleague on maternity leave snapped at me when she visited with her baby

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One of my colleagues is a couple of months post partum and visited today with her newborn.

Prior to going on mat leave, she was very ‘vocal’ shall we say about pregnancy symptoms etc and with a small group of us, talked about her sex life.

We were chatting away today and, knowing how open she usually is, I asked her if she was ‘active’ again yet (I asked this light heartedly - I think the term I used was ‘are you getting any action’).

She snapped at me and said that’s not on her mind and how dare I ask such a question!! It was incredibly awkward, I obviously apologised and then made my excuses to step away.

I know hormones and all that - but given what’s she’s usually like, and was like throughout pregnancy, I can’t help but find that an OTT response?!

I think someone volunteering the info is different to asking especially after not seeing them for months and after they’ve been through a life changing event.

I’d have a bit more sympathy if this was after she had returned to work and a couple of weeks into normal work life resuming, you misjudged and said something like this assuming she’d go back to her normal brazen self, but I’m surprised that you brought it up in the short time she was there showing off her baby.

It’s the combination of asking rather than waiting for her to say, and the newborn baby. Lots of people get protective and wouldn’t talk like that around a child.

You seriously said this to someone IN YOUR WORKPLACE!? 😬

@FlockofSquirrels a coworker asking extremely personal questions unprompted (and yes it was unprompted, what she discussed months ago doesn't change that).

If someone asks me an unprompted question, I can decline to answer. I don't scream at the person.

those aspects aren't actually necessary to understand why OP's question was inappropriate, especially in a workplace.

It wasn't inappropriate, because it was already previously established that it was an acceptable discussion topic...

I'd love to know the industry you're in OP? On no planet I've ever worked would this be acceptable workplace chat amongst staff and management 🤣

I think if it’s a normal topic of conversation you have it’s fine to bring it up again? It sounds like you are all more friends energy than super professional.

So if that’s the established norm and you fully expect someone to laugh and be like “omfg no way I am closed for business for a loooong time” or something flippant then it’s a shock if they take it very seriously.

It doesn’t really matter what it was that you said it’s the sudden change of established ways of talking, safe topics etc. I can only assume she is very very full of hormones and feeling quite sensitive in general. Or maybe it’s a sensitive topic in her household now and you struck a nerve.

Perhaps she is now feeling a bit confused herself, that she had such a strong reaction when pre-baby her would have been the first to have a laugh about such topics.

It’s not her hormone it’s you. Why would you even consider asking her or anyone that question. It’s none of your business

People like to rewrite history when they go through something. She’s had a baby so wants to reinvent herself as wholesome and precious - not the sexo gobshite she was before. You did nothing wrong op.

I wouldn’t worry about it - I have colleagues I have similar conversations with! Depends on the workplace and relationships I guess but it wouldn’t offend me. And yes I have had kids, on mat leave now as it happens. If you normally have that sort of chat with your colleagues it’s odd for her to bite your head off but you obviously touched a sore spot!

Jesus OP 🤦🏼‍♀️

Oh op I do think YABU.
It was a very strange question to ask, did you really want to know the answer to it?

You were VERY inappropriate and nosey - her snapping at you was much less than you deserve!

Sorry but you did do wrong.

If she had any interventions in the birth she could be out of action for months- she could be in pain - I had surgery and it was agony for me for months- I was very sensitive about it - If someone had of asked I would have cried.

Obviously you didn’t mean to offend or upset her, OP. Given her usual stance on sex talk.

However, she’s a new mum. Most likely exhausted, not getting enough sleep, hormones still all over the place, perhaps she really wants sex with her partner but is too sore and tired to do so. So your comment just rubbed her the wrong way.

She might even be at home now overthinking her reaction.

Give it a few days and you’ll both forget about it. All you can do is recognise how it might have offended her and apologise.

Agree completely. How was OP to know that her friend had morphed from Amy Schumer to Kate Middleton.

Sorry, OP. I'd not joke around with her much anymore. I think it might be worth telling her that you said it because she's usually extremely open.

Totally agree. She’s probably also feeling frumpy and not at her best (completely understandably) and you touched a raw nerve. If she was previously keen to share details of her sex life at work she’s only got herself to blame.

Not at all. Stop pitting seemingly (not that you even know it) childless women against those who have children. Yes it was a crass comment, but there is nothing morally superior about motherhood.

Christ, I come out with a lot of stupid things but even I know not to say that!

That was an insane thing to ask. You'll have to chalk that up to a moment of absolute madness.

Not that you're likely to repeat the incident but maybe in future stick to things like 'how are you feeling?', or 'What a beautiful baby', rather than asking a newly post partum woman in her workplace what's happening in her sex life.

Perhaps next time pause a moment and think before you speak.
Your comment/query was very much inappropriate.

But that's her business to share, not yours to demand.

I can't believe you think that the OP was "lucky" not to have her face slapped. What a stupid comment.

Re. your last line, I wonder about that all the time. I'm childless mostly by choice, and on the one hand, I recognise that people have kids to please themselves, not for altruistic reasons. But on the other hand, they are killing themselves raising the next generation and going through a ton of sacrifice, for possibly not a lot of return. That is selfless and it's just so much work and expense. I didn't want to take it all on, personally, but there's no doubt that parents are engaged in something that really benefits society, and I....am not. (Although I've done enormous amounts of elder care for my late parents.)

What does she deserve then? The stocks? Banishment? Do tell.

This. Don't beat yourself up about it. I would absolutely have laughed that off based on the history you have mentioned.