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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Daughter not soeaky

214 replies

Doglover36 · 08/10/2025 18:41

Granddaughter is 6 months old.. husband kissed her on back of head my daughter has not spoken to us since.. saying that we shouldn't of kissed her child.. anyones thoughts?

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 08/10/2025 20:15

SpongeKnobNoPants · 08/10/2025 19:09

I suspect your daughters silent treatment is due to the lack of your respect for her boundaries rather than the actual kiss. She asked you both to follow one precautionary rule to help reduce some of the risk, and your husband decided his desire to kiss the baby was more important.

"silent treatment due to lack of respect for boundaries" used to be known as having a tantrum. Let's not lose sight of that in this new Age of Psychobabble.

I think the idea of asking you not to kiss the baby is understandable op, especially at this time of year, but the silent treatment is childish. She needs to remind you and move on - and I think you should try to respect her wishes.

Once our babies are grown we often see this a bit differently, but it is normal to be anxious as a new mum. And you would feel terrible if the baby did succumb to something. It isn't a totally fanciful risk.

ThoseThreeBeautifulNights · 08/10/2025 20:19

Doglover36 · 08/10/2025 19:01

Yeah to do with rsv and germs ect.. never been allowed too at any age of baby..

So she asked you not to and your husband still did it? It’s not hard to not kiss others, you just don’t do it.

LooseCanyon · 08/10/2025 20:19

Calliopespa · 08/10/2025 20:15

"silent treatment due to lack of respect for boundaries" used to be known as having a tantrum. Let's not lose sight of that in this new Age of Psychobabble.

I think the idea of asking you not to kiss the baby is understandable op, especially at this time of year, but the silent treatment is childish. She needs to remind you and move on - and I think you should try to respect her wishes.

Once our babies are grown we often see this a bit differently, but it is normal to be anxious as a new mum. And you would feel terrible if the baby did succumb to something. It isn't a totally fanciful risk.

People rarely stop speaking to their parents for one tiny thing. I bet there's been months of OP and her DH pushing boundaries.

Rosesanddaffs · 08/10/2025 20:23

@Doglover36 she’s well within her rights to ask you not to kiss her baby. It’s her baby so her rules!

She shouldn’t give you the silent treatment though but I totally get why she’d be annoyed.

Aimtodobetter · 08/10/2025 20:23

I was YANBU until I saw she specifically asked you guys not to. You are being unreasonable if you actively chose to kiss the baby knowing she didn’t want you too. Her child, her rules.

Zanatdy · 08/10/2025 20:25

She is being ridiculous.

Calliopespa · 08/10/2025 20:27

LooseCanyon · 08/10/2025 20:19

People rarely stop speaking to their parents for one tiny thing. I bet there's been months of OP and her DH pushing boundaries.

And if there hasn't ...?

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 08/10/2025 20:29

Iloveeverycat · 08/10/2025 19:11

Why are parents so weird nowadays.
Don't they realise that germs help with immunity.

Edited

I guess some people saw the movie "The Boy In The Bubble" and decided it looked like fun.

LilacPony · 08/10/2025 20:30

Wow the comments are so split!

I think you were wrong to cross a clear boundary. Even if you don’t agree with said boundary, you need to say sorry for crossing it.
But, the back of the head is far different than the lips. So in my opinion it should have just been a case of “whoopsy” that was a small slip up, won’t happen again, and everyone moves on within 2 minutes of it happening.

Personally, if I was you I would take a moment to stop thinking about how I’m affected and feeling from this, and I would think about the potential postpartum anxiety my daughter was going through and how I could be supportive of her. I wouldn’t tell her she was “silly” etc. just accept how she feels and be kind and reach out to help her.

TheFiveLakes · 08/10/2025 20:33

ilovepixie · 08/10/2025 20:06

Some new parents seem to forget grandparents brought up them and have years of experience. That’s why society is fucked up. The old values and respecting others has been forgotten.

I'm grandparent age myself now, but I know that despite being respected members of the community my own parents kept their children alive til adulthood more by luck than judgement.

An examples that I was old enough to remember clearly from my own childhood is that as a 7 year old I had the "job" of supervising younger siblings including a toddler in a garden with a large unfenced fish pond every afternoon after school, while my mum got changed out of her work suit and then cooked dinner indoors (father usually still at work) - no window from the kitchen onto the garden where the pond was, it was behind a different part of the house, for example.

My mother casually suggested leaving one of my children in the pram in the garage overnight as a baby because she didn't sleep well (my mother was staying with me and was woken by the baby and me going to the baby during the night). She casually told me that she did that with one of my siblings - so the family could all get some sleep. She went on to claim she did it for me, as I was five and needed to get a good night's sleep for school, when I expressed horror. She also had an eating disorder (which she continues to suffer from in very old age now) and always behaved very strangely around food - we wouldn't have starved but she was very restrictive and alternated forcing us to eat food we didn't want with withholding food - one sibling as a teenager was in an adolescent psychiatric unit due to anorexia and lucky to survive, another had bulimia. My mother's main concern was telling people who asked after my sibling that it wasn't her (my mother's) fault. Father was a workoholic who lived in the house but left our mother to raise us, if he was around he just looked up from his newspaper/ journal or away from the TV to back her up with whatever she did or said.)

She pulled a lot of the same nonsense with my brother's children, down to offering to babysit and then leaving his year 2 child in the (same) garden, with the same unfenced and uncovered fish pond babysitting his preschool brother - when DN2 fell in he was luckily fished out by their gardner - my dad's response was to blame DN1 "I wouldn't be surprised if the little bugger pushed him in" were his words.

But yeah - grandparents are automatically perfect as long as they didn't actually have their children removed by social services... "You survived didn't you" - yes, more by luck than judgement.

Skybluepinky · 08/10/2025 20:33

She didn’t want her baby kissed and he ignored her wishes no wonder she isn’t talking to him, why didn’t he do as he was asked!

Doteycat · 08/10/2025 20:34

Have you reached out to her and apologised? Fallen on your sword? or has her father rather, seeing as he is the one who did it. Why is she not talking to you> Did you defend him?
Cos im afraid thats what you are going to have to do, fall on your sword.
Do you want to see your dd and grandchild? Or do you want to be able to do whatever you want to do? Cos thats the choice.
Its not complicated, apologise, promise not to do it again, and respect her wishes. you can come home and be baffled, but you will see your grandchild.

EveningSpread · 08/10/2025 20:35

I think there’s likely more to this story than the OP has yet said.

The people having outbursts at a new mum they don’t know - calling her a madam, despairing of the generation - seem loony, hate filled, and projecting.

Toofficeornot · 08/10/2025 20:35

This is such an overreaction that I would be concerned for her mental health more than anything.

CherrieTomaties · 08/10/2025 20:35

I find it weird that grown adults feel compelled to kiss babies that aren’t their own. It’s selfish and absolutely is a risk to RSV.

The NHS advise for people to avoid kissing babies unless you’re their parent or main carer in good health.

OP, if your daughter had specifically asked for people not to kiss her baby, then you’re H is being totally unreasonable and you should be more understanding rather than sulking on the internet.

padronpepper · 08/10/2025 20:36

Your thread last month about having a cold sore and holding your grandchild is probably relevant here.

Calliopespa · 08/10/2025 20:37

Iloveeverycat · 08/10/2025 19:11

Why are parents so weird nowadays.
Don't they realise that germs help with immunity.

Edited

There is some truth in that, but people stretch the logic to justify a lack of precaution.

It is true that babies use careful exposure to a limited amount of germs to build immunity slowly and incrementally so that by the time they are older - and can't stay wrapped up at home - they have a better ability to withstand them.

But it doesn't follow that it makes sense to expose a tiny baby who hasn't yet developed that immunity to a whopping dose of a nasty virus just so they won't suffer when a great big strapping three year old. That's topsy turvy logic. Babies require more caution around germs.

LooseCanyon · 08/10/2025 20:38

Calliopespa · 08/10/2025 20:27

And if there hasn't ...?

Well OP's got a cold sore, so her DH might too, and they've alread been asked not to kiss the baby.

Calliopespa · 08/10/2025 20:38

padronpepper · 08/10/2025 20:36

Your thread last month about having a cold sore and holding your grandchild is probably relevant here.

Yes, it would be relevant op.

Calliopespa · 08/10/2025 20:38

LooseCanyon · 08/10/2025 20:38

Well OP's got a cold sore, so her DH might too, and they've alread been asked not to kiss the baby.

Yes I've just seen that too ...

LooseCanyon · 08/10/2025 20:39

padronpepper · 08/10/2025 20:36

Your thread last month about having a cold sore and holding your grandchild is probably relevant here.

Yup. This won't be the first time the OP's daughter has expressly asked OP and her DH not to kiss the baby.

deckchairmayhem · 08/10/2025 20:39

How you describe this it's sort of off...the child is member of your community and not endangered by a grandfather's kiss ...like the other thread today ( now deleted) there a lot of OCD around, and there probably wouldn't be if men stepped up more during initial months of parenthood.

TeaForTheTillermanSteakForTheSun · 08/10/2025 20:39

Your thread a month ago (the same amount of time your dd hasn't been speaking to you for) is probably the cause here.

You're just trying to make your dd look irrational to justify your own actions.

Hankunamatata · 08/10/2025 20:40

So most people will think her rule is unreasonable however she told you her wishes, you have known thos for a long time so why did dh do it now

Growlybear83 · 08/10/2025 20:40

I think your daughter is completely bonkers. People have kissed babies for ever and it’s a natural thing for a grandparent to do. I think the world has gone mad.