To feel slightly miffed about paying for a dress now?

[confusedlady10]

My close friend is getting married in Thailand and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. At first I was going to decline as I couldn’t afford to travel that far out for the wedding for 7 days (single mum on low income) but got a small bonus from work and used it to pay part of the flights/trip and took out a credit card to pay the rest. because she’s paying for the accommodation for everyone it made it a bit easier for me financially to change my decision. Her background is Indian and she has gone back home to pick out her dresses and bridesmaid dresses, and sent me the one her and her family have chosen. The dresses cost £250 each and tbf they are stunning. She then said she would get mine and I could transfer her when she came back to the UK.

I was in shock due to the price and asked if I would be able to find something cheaper myself which she has accepted. I asked my other friend who is Indian (separate friendships) if she knew any nice shops to buy a cheap Indian style bridesmaid dress. She gave me a few but again out of my budget which is max £80. However she brought up that in Indian culture the bride always pays for the dresses and was in shock that I am having to pay out of pocket. I told her I don’t mind too much as long as the price is fair and don’t know anything much about this as their culture.

But her reaction made me think maybe it is a bit unreasonable to expect me to pay for the dress in the first place (my own objections are regardless of culture). The dress my friend has picked is very high quality and has lots of embellishments in a certain beautiful shade and I’m worried I wont be able to afford a dress that can match and look nearly as nice as the other bridesmaids and will stick out like a sore thumb. I will have to suck it up and just buy something cheap but do feel a bit miffed and I'm struggling to find anything so far.

YABU- You should should not feel miffed to pay for a dress no matter the quality.
YANBU - She should be paying for the dress.

I’d also say though if you go on vinted and put in Indian bridesmaid dress, there is a lot of options, all beautiful and significantly under budget.

Bride should cover all bridesmaid related expenses, including outfit. In this particular case, it is insane for you to use your bonus AND go into debt on a credit card to attend a wedding in Thailand. Think how much that money would benefit you and your DC instead of pissing it away on this.

i would absolutely back out of the wedding completely - can you get any of the money back that you’ve already spent? Just be honest with the bride and tell her you absolutely cannot afford it. If she’s in any way a good friend, she should understand. And if she doesn’t, you don’t need a cf like that in your life.

each to their own - some brides pay some dont imo

I truly hope you can afford this credit card.

Most are around 30% APR these days if not paid in full. What are you planning to pay each month to clear it quickly?

I use mine regularly to book flights or holidays to get the S.75 protection but I know I have find to cover the bill when it comes.

This dress is a surprise cost of £250. What is there are more surprise costs? A celebration meal out? A trip? A spa? There will be a hen party before the wedding. What if that's a weekend away or overnight stay? It's all got the potential to mount up.

As I've said previously.the bride is unreasonable asking you to pay for a bridesmaid dress but I'm just trying to get you to be more realistic around your finances and committing to debt for a holiday.

If your OP just mentioned the dress no one would have batted an eyelid and would have supported you.

or you could buy the dress and sell it on vinted afterwards

A holiday isn't something I see as pissing my money away on. Without my bonus? I absolutely wouldn't have gone. With my bonus and a small credit card I was happy to do after crunching the numbers. Not everyone gets a bonus, and I have saved my bonus many years and spend virtually all of my money on DS and don't spend money on myself even if I technically could. You don't have to agree with my choices but I wanted to go on this holiday after I carefully thought it through.

My son is 5 and it's not like I cannot afford to take him on holiday ever again. I have some small savings (and tbh £600 isn't a huge amount to spend on a holiday), but it's fixed hence the credit card. Me choosing not to take him on holiday since the last one wasn't really from a major financial standpoint. But then I thought since I am not going on holiday with him anyway, why not treat myself for once with the money I would have spent.

she is out of order, asking for £250 for a bridesmaid dress.

lots of indian wedding outfits are sold secondhand, see if you can get any direction from friends towards where those might be or people selling. or borrow something from an indian mate. I always get offers to borrow outfit for indian weddings.

otherwise just go as a guest that is outrageous from the bride. travel AND paying for outfits is not on.

It’s a returning troll. They were posting as Bloo or something earlier in the thread; MN banned her and she’s re registered. Don’t worry about it.

Because I didn't want people thinking I should just stump up the cost for the dress if I am going to Thailand anyway which isn't exactly round the corner. My credit card will be paid off in a few months and again paying it off quickly on time will boost my credit score anyway as an added plus. I could pay it off now but my savings are fixed. However, without my bonus paying half, no I wouldn't have gone. With it, I am happily to pay for a luxury for myself once in a while for £600 for the remainder. My friend is paying for the entire wedding, travel and food and I have the full itinerary. I am paying for my flights only. I just felt paying for a dress of that price (not everyone's income can afford something disposable like that, again that will be only worn once) is unreasonable as it's her wedding anyway.

I'm so sorry, OP, you are getting some very judgy puritanical responses on your post. Hope you manage to find a lovely dress on a preloved website, and have a blast in Thailand at the wedding!

If I knew you in real life I would happily lend you one of my gorgeous Indian outfits (that have only been worn the once, and would enjoy an outing)!

but you can sell the dress afterwards @confusedlady10

I've realised it's my fault I guess as I didn't make my OP/context clear regarding me being on a low income and paying for the dress. Thank you anyway and I am scouring the net as we speak.

OP enjoy your holiday and ignore the miserable folk in the comments!

That's very gracious of you. Good luck with the scouring!

She wasnt worried about confronting you for the money for an expensive dress she picked and wants you to wear?!? Especially considering im sure she will know youre a single mum?

Id be honest. Im sorry I cant afford £250 on a dress ill wear once, and i cant even afford a "cheap" alternative, i think i best step down as a bridesmaid but ill still attend as im so looking forward to sharing this day with you

OP, jump into the style and shopping threads and see what those posters suggest about finding a similar coloured dress. I think you are beating a dead horse on this thread and really don’t need to justify your parenting/holiday/budgeting/credit card choices and more.

If she is playing for the entire wedding then why isn’t she paying for the bm dress@confusedlady10

People are being very rude to you on this post. I would likely do the same as you, I would also see the bonus as bonus money so absolutely why should you not treat yourself. I regularly pay for things over a few months on credit cards and don’t consider myself financially irresponsible! Again like yourself maybe savings or assets are not easy accessible and therefore using a credit card is handy. My only concern for you would be if they spring any extra costs on you during the week like food, day trips etc but you’re confident that’s all covered so hopefully won’t be an issue. I hope you have a fab holiday !

Look on Vinted maybe? They have a lens search feature now so if you take a photo of the dress she has you can find one that looks similar? :)

For what it’s worth, OP, I think you actually have a very reasonable and healthy attitude towards money despite some of the replies here (possibly lots from one person who is name-changing?!).

You have thought about this carefully, it clearly means a lot to you, you’ve said you can pay it off over a few months. All sounds very reasonable.

Enjoy the holiday!

That's exactly my AIBU. I was in shock. She is a good friend to me but wasn't sure if I was being cheeky considering she's paying for the whole wedding. My other Indian friend was going on about it from a culture perspective, but tbh in general I wasn't expecting to have to pay no matter the cost! I still want to go but it's a bit awkward to bring it up. I can find a reasonably priced dress, just won't look have as nice.

I agree. A bonus isn't something I should expect or force myself to be frugal with. The itinerary is jam packed and fully laid out detailed and paid for so there wouldn't be any time in the day for random costly trips anyway. Thank you for your kind words.

How embarrassing of her to ask you to pay for a bridesmaid dress. Very naff.

Brides should pay for all bridesmaid expenses if they want you to look a certain way or be somewhere at a certain time.

I don't really see the need for all this dissection of your finances. I just don't think it matters - you don't need to justify to your friend or anyone here why you feel £250 is too much. You can't or don't want to spend it, nobody's elses business why.
Being perfectly honest I could easily afford a £250 dress. It would just mean that much less contributed in savings that month. However I wouldn't want to have to spend it when the bridesmaid dress should be bought by the bride. I certainly bought all dresses, hair etc for my bridesmaids. Now if a friend was really hard up, having a tiny wedding, genuinely couldn't afford to have bridesmaids if it involved buying the dresses, then I probably would be happy to pay myself. But for her just to assume and basically invoice you, that is extremely poor manners. And without even running the cost past you first!
In your situation I would send a message saying 'Hi, just regarding the BM dress cost, I'm not sure if I've misunderstood what you meant but paying for the dress is normally taken care of as part of the wedding budget. Same as if any specific shoes are needed, hair and make up, or corsages. Feels a bit like you are saying I should be paying but obviously that's not going to be possible for me as it's not my cost to pay for. It's a beautiful dress you've chosen!'

OP, sounds like an amazing trip and you’re obviously a good friend. Could you maybe contact your friend and just say that you are really looking forward to it but the dress is a bit more than you can afford so does she know anybody that could lend you something that would work or does she know where you could hire something from?
I’m sure she would be really upset to not have you as a bridesmaid due to the cost of a dress.
With you already agreeing to go and having paid for your flights she may not realise that you don’t have that money to spare on a dress. Please just be honest with her so you can find a solution. I really hope you can sort it and have an amazing time.