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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel slightly miffed about paying for a dress now?

389 replies

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 14:35

My close friend is getting married in Thailand and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. At first I was going to decline as I couldn’t afford to travel that far out for the wedding for 7 days (single mum on low income) but got a small bonus from work and used it to pay part of the flights/trip and took out a credit card to pay the rest. because she’s paying for the accommodation for everyone it made it a bit easier for me financially to change my decision. Her background is Indian and she has gone back home to pick out her dresses and bridesmaid dresses, and sent me the one her and her family have chosen. The dresses cost £250 each and tbf they are stunning. She then said she would get mine and I could transfer her when she came back to the UK.

I was in shock due to the price and asked if I would be able to find something cheaper myself which she has accepted. I asked my other friend who is Indian (separate friendships) if she knew any nice shops to buy a cheap Indian style bridesmaid dress. She gave me a few but again out of my budget which is max £80. However she brought up that in Indian culture the bride always pays for the dresses and was in shock that I am having to pay out of pocket. I told her I don’t mind too much as long as the price is fair and don’t know anything much about this as their culture.

But her reaction made me think maybe it is a bit unreasonable to expect me to pay for the dress in the first place (my own objections are regardless of culture). The dress my friend has picked is very high quality and has lots of embellishments in a certain beautiful shade and I’m worried I wont be able to afford a dress that can match and look nearly as nice as the other bridesmaids and will stick out like a sore thumb. I will have to suck it up and just buy something cheap but do feel a bit miffed and I'm struggling to find anything so far.

YABU- You should should not feel miffed to pay for a dress no matter the quality.
YANBU - She should be paying for the dress.

OP posts:
whatcanthematterbe81 · 08/10/2025 23:37

I bought all my bridesmaids dresses. They didn’t ask to be bridesmaids

Original poster
confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 23:43

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 08/10/2025 23:31

OP, sounds like an amazing trip and you’re obviously a good friend. Could you maybe contact your friend and just say that you are really looking forward to it but the dress is a bit more than you can afford so does she know anybody that could lend you something that would work or does she know where you could hire something from?
I’m sure she would be really upset to not have you as a bridesmaid due to the cost of a dress.
With you already agreeing to go and having paid for your flights she may not realise that you don’t have that money to spare on a dress. Please just be honest with her so you can find a solution. I really hope you can sort it and have an amazing time.

I asked if it would be ok for me to source a cheaper alternative for myself which she agreed. Now I'm scouring the net and still feel small in comparison when I look at the dresses online vs what she picked out. However, she isn't judgy at all and she's genuinely a nice person, I just don't think she considered that £250 would be dear to me. Her family are well of and she has decent finances from what I know about her and her life/job, so she was probably just clueless. I'll have to just pick something at this point, all that matters is that I show up for her big day. Thank you.

OP posts:
Thanksforyourlackofthought · 08/10/2025 23:57

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 23:43

I asked if it would be ok for me to source a cheaper alternative for myself which she agreed. Now I'm scouring the net and still feel small in comparison when I look at the dresses online vs what she picked out. However, she isn't judgy at all and she's genuinely a nice person, I just don't think she considered that £250 would be dear to me. Her family are well of and she has decent finances from what I know about her and her life/job, so she was probably just clueless. I'll have to just pick something at this point, all that matters is that I show up for her big day. Thank you.

Show quote history

Do not feel small! You are absolutely not. You are spending an awful lot of money to celebrate your friends marriage. That’s a huge commitment on your part and just shows what a good friend you are. If you were my friend, you could turn up in a flipping bin bag and I’d just be very happy that you wanted to share my day with me and that you would go to that amount of effort. ❤️

Original poster
confusedlady10 · 09/10/2025 00:44

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 08/10/2025 23:57

Do not feel small! You are absolutely not. You are spending an awful lot of money to celebrate your friends marriage. That’s a huge commitment on your part and just shows what a good friend you are. If you were my friend, you could turn up in a flipping bin bag and I’d just be very happy that you wanted to share my day with me and that you would go to that amount of effort. ❤️

Show quote history

Haha. Thank you.

OP posts:
HiCandles · 09/10/2025 06:29

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 23:43

I asked if it would be ok for me to source a cheaper alternative for myself which she agreed. Now I'm scouring the net and still feel small in comparison when I look at the dresses online vs what she picked out. However, she isn't judgy at all and she's genuinely a nice person, I just don't think she considered that £250 would be dear to me. Her family are well of and she has decent finances from what I know about her and her life/job, so she was probably just clueless. I'll have to just pick something at this point, all that matters is that I show up for her big day. Thank you.

Show quote history

Have you actually told her that she should be buying the dress? Why not?

A bridesmaid dress is a wedding expense. Is she going to be asking guests to chip in for the venue hire and food too?!

Penguincushion · 09/10/2025 06:31

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Penguincushion · 09/10/2025 06:34

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Mywindow · 09/10/2025 09:35

So you asked if you could shop for a cheaper alternative and she said ok?

I can’t believe she didn’t offer to at least contribute!! Her bridesmaid is basically saying… I can’t afford this!!

deeahgwitch · 09/10/2025 11:28

@confusedlady10You are being too nice.
You have been advised that it is not usual in the bride’s culture for a bridesmaid to have to pay for the bridesmaid dress etc.
Yet you say how lovely your friend the bride is.
Posters are saying they think the bride would be happy for their friend - you- to come, even wearing a bin bag rather than not attend the wedding.
But I don’t think she is that type of friend. She’s shown you who she is - a bride who expects her bridesmaids to pay for their dress etc when she knows perfectly well that is an expense you can well do without.
If you go as “just” a guest will you have to pay for accommodation?
If so, buying a bridesmaid dress would be cheaper 😀
Weigh it up.

Ellejay67 · 09/10/2025 17:49

Just say you're really sorry to decline the job of bridesmaid but will love being a guest.

Caroparo52 · 09/10/2025 17:52

Its a very annoying and unreasonable trend that brides expect their best friends and loved ones to fork out £100's if not £1000's on their fucking wedding. I would politely decline the whole package and send a card

allmymonkeys · 09/10/2025 17:54

Oh crumbs.

She really should at least have thought to ask before she committed you to £250 for an outfit. I'm not voting because I have no idea about the etiquette of who traditionally pays for what, but as your close friend surely she realises you're on a pretty strict budget?

The trouble is, in lots of people's minds if the bulk of expenses have been covered - in this case, she's stumping up the accommodation and you're "only" paying for the dress - that means the rest is affordable. But from your point of view 250 quid is 250 quid that you haven't got.

I'm sure she doesn't comprehend the stress this is going to cause you. Hadn't you better tell her frankly that even for this truly special occasion you just don't have the money? She can then either offer to pay for the dress or just let you off the bridesmaid hook [I wouldn't go for the budget dress option, it could be horrendously embarrassing all round].

eatingandeating24 · 09/10/2025 17:55

Try and negotiate. Be up front and of course polite. If she can afford to travel to India to pick up dresses several dresses and all other stuff -- she can help a friend . Only fair. Good luck.

Ocean369 · 09/10/2025 18:01

I’m of Indian origin. The bride should be paying for the dress.

Jorge14 · 09/10/2025 18:04

She should definitely be paying, especially when it’s costing you so much to attend. Just be honest. Just say I’m so sorry my budget won’t stretch, happy to be a guest at wedding so I can wear a dress I already have.

MustWeDoThis · 09/10/2025 18:06

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 14:35

My close friend is getting married in Thailand and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. At first I was going to decline as I couldn’t afford to travel that far out for the wedding for 7 days (single mum on low income) but got a small bonus from work and used it to pay part of the flights/trip and took out a credit card to pay the rest. because she’s paying for the accommodation for everyone it made it a bit easier for me financially to change my decision. Her background is Indian and she has gone back home to pick out her dresses and bridesmaid dresses, and sent me the one her and her family have chosen. The dresses cost £250 each and tbf they are stunning. She then said she would get mine and I could transfer her when she came back to the UK.

I was in shock due to the price and asked if I would be able to find something cheaper myself which she has accepted. I asked my other friend who is Indian (separate friendships) if she knew any nice shops to buy a cheap Indian style bridesmaid dress. She gave me a few but again out of my budget which is max £80. However she brought up that in Indian culture the bride always pays for the dresses and was in shock that I am having to pay out of pocket. I told her I don’t mind too much as long as the price is fair and don’t know anything much about this as their culture.

But her reaction made me think maybe it is a bit unreasonable to expect me to pay for the dress in the first place (my own objections are regardless of culture). The dress my friend has picked is very high quality and has lots of embellishments in a certain beautiful shade and I’m worried I wont be able to afford a dress that can match and look nearly as nice as the other bridesmaids and will stick out like a sore thumb. I will have to suck it up and just buy something cheap but do feel a bit miffed and I'm struggling to find anything so far.

YABU- You should should not feel miffed to pay for a dress no matter the quality.
YANBU - She should be paying for the dress.

Is there anything on Vinted, Ebay, Preworn? They don't need to know where you got it from. However, the bride should pay for it. That's the whole reason of asking you to be a bridesmaid...you didn't ask yourself, she asked -you-. What's more, if she can travel to India and buy her bridal dresses, then she's pretty bloody cheeky for asking! No doubt her and hubby have plenty of money. You should put some boundaries in place and be honest with her, then see if she's truly a friend with her reaction.

Lollylucyclark101 · 09/10/2025 18:06

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 14:35

My close friend is getting married in Thailand and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. At first I was going to decline as I couldn’t afford to travel that far out for the wedding for 7 days (single mum on low income) but got a small bonus from work and used it to pay part of the flights/trip and took out a credit card to pay the rest. because she’s paying for the accommodation for everyone it made it a bit easier for me financially to change my decision. Her background is Indian and she has gone back home to pick out her dresses and bridesmaid dresses, and sent me the one her and her family have chosen. The dresses cost £250 each and tbf they are stunning. She then said she would get mine and I could transfer her when she came back to the UK.

I was in shock due to the price and asked if I would be able to find something cheaper myself which she has accepted. I asked my other friend who is Indian (separate friendships) if she knew any nice shops to buy a cheap Indian style bridesmaid dress. She gave me a few but again out of my budget which is max £80. However she brought up that in Indian culture the bride always pays for the dresses and was in shock that I am having to pay out of pocket. I told her I don’t mind too much as long as the price is fair and don’t know anything much about this as their culture.

But her reaction made me think maybe it is a bit unreasonable to expect me to pay for the dress in the first place (my own objections are regardless of culture). The dress my friend has picked is very high quality and has lots of embellishments in a certain beautiful shade and I’m worried I wont be able to afford a dress that can match and look nearly as nice as the other bridesmaids and will stick out like a sore thumb. I will have to suck it up and just buy something cheap but do feel a bit miffed and I'm struggling to find anything so far.

YABU- You should should not feel miffed to pay for a dress no matter the quality.
YANBU - She should be paying for the dress.

Our bridesmaids brought their own dresses. They offered and we accepted. After all, we were paying for a wedding!

anyway. Are other bridesmaids paying for their dresses or is it just you? As that’s not very fair.

DrowningInSyrup · 09/10/2025 18:07

Breli · 08/10/2025 14:41

Some people pay for it out of the wedding fund, sometimes bridesmaids pay. She’s said you can buy your own cheaper one, which is an option, or you could say you can’t afford it but would love to come as a guest. There’s no need to hypothesise what’s fair, or whether you should be miffed or not as it doesn’t change anything. It sounds like a wonderful trip, and I don’t think it would be any less wonderful if you attended as a guest and might be less pressured as well.

Agreed. Is it normal for the bride to pay for accommodation for everyone. That sounds very generous and must have cost rhe earth.

Don't say I thought you were paying for the dress etc or as another PP suggested telling her if she can't afford to pay for your dress then you won't be a bridesmaid. That sounds really rude and like you are bargaining.

Just say you are really looking forward to the wedding, but you can't afford the additional costs of being a bridesmaid. You hope that's ok, you can't wait to attend.

Whothought · 09/10/2025 18:09

Maybe write her a carefully thought out letter/email mentioning that the cost of the dress has tipped you over the affordability line. It’s not that you don’t want to spend the money, just that you can’t as you have an DC to support and you will understand if she wants to ‘replace’ you.

Oldgardener · 09/10/2025 18:20

There are some good suggestions as to how you can word this. You have already paid a lot and are looking forward to the holiday, but best to be up front about the cost impact on you. As others have said, it is surprising. The one Indian wedding I went to, I was dressed by the family that was hosting and paid for nothing.

janehopper · 09/10/2025 18:22

I'm really amazed that some brides think it's okay for bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses. Weddings are ridiculous now.

freakingscared · 09/10/2025 18:22

It’s my understanding that Indian weddings are fully paid by the bridal side that includes guests stays accommodation and off course dresses . She is being very cheeky to ask you to pay for a dress when you are already paying so much to go .

Praying4Peace · 09/10/2025 18:31

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 14:38

I was thinking to do that or how to word it. I hate confrontation (even in a non-argument way) and would feel embarrassed to have to admit that that dress/cost is the issue. We are close good friends and don't know how to word it without her feeling bad or feeling offended.

Show quote history

Your friend is being unreasonable OP.
You are a struggling single parent who has had to get a cc to help fund the trip
Your friend should understand your position without you having to explain

usedtobeaylis · 09/10/2025 18:35

Fuck me. I skipped on after four pages of people haranguing you. Hope you have a great time and manage to source something to wear.

PhotoFirePoet · 09/10/2025 18:37

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 14:38

I was thinking to do that or how to word it. I hate confrontation (even in a non-argument way) and would feel embarrassed to have to admit that that dress/cost is the issue. We are close good friends and don't know how to word it without her feeling bad or feeling offended.

Show quote history

If you are close friends, surely being able to be open and honest with her should not be a problem? I don’t understand how a close relationship of any kind involves being unable to say you can’t afford something, whether it’s a dress, a meal or a trip etc.

You could simply say that you feel embarrassed about the fact that you really can’t afford to buy a dress on top of travel costs, and that you are so glad that you
are able to afford to be there, but perhaps under the circumstances, as a guest instead of bridesmaid? So that you can wear a nice dress that you have or get from Vinted, and her wedding looks the way she truly wants it to be.