To feel slightly miffed about paying for a dress now?

[confusedlady10]

My close friend is getting married in Thailand and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. At first I was going to decline as I couldn’t afford to travel that far out for the wedding for 7 days (single mum on low income) but got a small bonus from work and used it to pay part of the flights/trip and took out a credit card to pay the rest. because she’s paying for the accommodation for everyone it made it a bit easier for me financially to change my decision. Her background is Indian and she has gone back home to pick out her dresses and bridesmaid dresses, and sent me the one her and her family have chosen. The dresses cost £250 each and tbf they are stunning. She then said she would get mine and I could transfer her when she came back to the UK.

I was in shock due to the price and asked if I would be able to find something cheaper myself which she has accepted. I asked my other friend who is Indian (separate friendships) if she knew any nice shops to buy a cheap Indian style bridesmaid dress. She gave me a few but again out of my budget which is max £80. However she brought up that in Indian culture the bride always pays for the dresses and was in shock that I am having to pay out of pocket. I told her I don’t mind too much as long as the price is fair and don’t know anything much about this as their culture.

But her reaction made me think maybe it is a bit unreasonable to expect me to pay for the dress in the first place (my own objections are regardless of culture). The dress my friend has picked is very high quality and has lots of embellishments in a certain beautiful shade and I’m worried I wont be able to afford a dress that can match and look nearly as nice as the other bridesmaids and will stick out like a sore thumb. I will have to suck it up and just buy something cheap but do feel a bit miffed and I'm struggling to find anything so far.

YABU- You should should not feel miffed to pay for a dress no matter the quality.
YANBU - She should be paying for the dress.

So you’re going to go

Ok 😦

The low income/single mother comment was the context as to whether IABU for the dress as a bridesmaid.

in the context of finances op

Does it matter, if I can pay it off though? £600 over a couple of months isn't terrible and the interest rate isn't very high. I didn't realise that having a low income as a single mum or not qualifying for an interest free credit card means I am poor and shouldn't go on holiday and cannot afford to go. My low income comment was in context to whether IABU with the dress in which I have said many times.

I get fair CMS from my ex, a regular pay check and have a little savings for me and my son. I am ok. Not great but ok. I don't need financial planners telling me what I should or shouldn't have spent my money on and it really wasn't the point of the post. I should have made that more clear in my OP I suppose.

Yes because on a low income my money goes on other things like bills and savings. I have chosen to budget for this once in a life time holiday for my friend's wedding and am paying £600 as a remainder and was more than happy to do so. I just didn't expect to have to either pay for or find a dress worth £250. I will look for something much cheaper and discuss delicately with her.

If you’ve had to put it on a credit card that is literally the definition of not being able to afford to go!

Why is everyone having such a go at OP about going and not taking her son? If it was her ex going, no one would bat an eyelid! OK, there may be more sensible ways to spend the money, but what a fabulous experience it will be.

Enjoy OP, I hope you manage to suss out an outfit. Maybe try Vinted or some preloved FB pages.

No-one pays for flights or things with a credit card or uses it for short term debts? Had no idea. If my savings weren't fixed, I'd take it out of part of my own little pot but couldn't so used a credit card. I sadly didn't qualify for an interest free one, but the interest isn't high and I can still afford it and won't take me long to pay off. On a low income I can't afford to splurge £250 on a dress I'll only wear once and likely not easily sell. That was my AIBU and my only point.

Thank you! I am so excited as I haven't been this far before and this would be my first ever adult holiday. I have taken my son on many holidays (maybe not so far away) and he has never gone without in terms of clothes, toys and trips and is spoilt rotten by friends and family. I chose this holiday and budgeted for it. It's the dress I am finding steep and was expecting her to pay as the bride which was my AIBU. If I couldn't afford to go I wouldn't have. Will try those options!

Why do you keep saying the flights are £1200 but you are only really paying £600 for?

you are paying £1200, £600 through debt. And there will be interest on that too.

do you see your bonus pay as not real money? This is probably why you are poor. You have zero financial intelligence.

if you are bumbling along with minimal amounts going into your savings so you have to purchase things like this trip on credit card and pay off over time incurring interest, you shouldn’t be buying those things.

the ONLY things you should go into debt for are unexpected essentials.

putting money into savings and earning XX in interest then taking out debt on your card for purchases and paying XXXXX in interest is just stupid and goes against very very basic financial advice.

Honestly I think she's got an absolute cheek to expect people to travel to the other side of the globe for her wedding, and then to also pay to be in her wedding party.

Hello OP.
Sorry about your predicament. There are companies that also rent out Indian wedding outfits. Take a look at By Rotation and Bollywood Borrowed.

https://byrotation.com/designers/indian?srsltid=AfmBOopOwINJf0mAw3cwsd7IwyCVyWrCrF14Y1PIenWvkR-ihWNFq2l3

I would never have agreed to spend so much money attending a wedding in the first place especially if I were a single parent and strapped for cash.

I would just not go. It’s so much money. Bonkers.

I always pay for flights (and other big expenses) on credit cards, because I get points/Avios/whatever is available on the credit card I use, and for the protection associated with paying by credit card. I always pay off in full and never pay interest.

enjoy your holiday OP, it sounds great!

Do you know what is in my savings account? Calling me poor for simply saying I am on a low income that doesn't have £250 to spend on a single dress I'll only wear once is a reach. I put my money in a fixed savings account that I can't just break open, and didn't know I'd be going on this holiday. Do you realise not everyone gets a bonus? I am lucky in my company and it's not always guaranteed. I don't see it as real money as it isn't guaranteed, can change and shouldn't plan my finances and life around it. I have a regular pay check, get child benefit and CMS and have no other large debts.

I have saved my bonus for many years and have taken my son on many holidays and put money towards savings. I rarely go out or buy things for myself mainly as I am really not materialistic and don't have many friends to go out anyway. Choosing to go on a once in a life time holiday and paying £600 off for it for a few months isn't the end of the world.

I am a grown adult who can budget for myself and can make my own decisions. If that makes me financially irresponsible or poor then so be it and that is your opinion. I do want to avoid seeming like a parrot, but to repeat myself again, that was not my AIBU or the point of my post.

I don't know why everyone is having a go at you and not even asking your original question. This site is grim sometimes.

I hope you find a solution. Perhaps be frank with your friend. Find out colour scheme and do some good research - maybe second hand and you will match with other bridesmaids?

Ultimately I hope you have an amazing time! A trip to remember xx

Well it would be rather strange if you have substantially more than £600 in your savings account wouldn’t it op?

I have saved my bonus for many years and have taken my son on many holidays

he is 5
”I have not been on holiday for years”

op, stop back pedalling
youre going on holiday. The end

He went on a holiday between 4-5. He is soon 6. Is that not years? Unsure as to how that is back peddling when I have changed nothing. My son will survive having not having gone on a holiday abroad since and will have plenty of time to go on many more and would never deny him of that. Me explaining more about my finances as I go along is simply me justifying my holiday which I really didn't think I needed to do with strangers as it wasn't the point of my AIBU, hence not being clear in my original post/comments. Maybe I have worded this thread badly but the responses are getting a bit off track/strange now as if people know me or I asked for unnecessary advice. I will enjoy my holiday. Thanks....

Ok Op

You are flush

Cool, enjoy the holiday

Vinted also sell Asian clothes. I've bought as a wedding guest

So if my son was 5
and I last went on holiday when he was 4-5

i prob wouldn’t describe myself as not having been on holiday for “years” in the context of why i really think I deserve this Asia holiday

But each to their own

Why? My savings is fixed. Being on a low income doesn't mean I am poor, can't budget or don't have savings. It just means I didn't have the money laying around to pay up front for the holiday so had to use my credit card. I am fine paying for the holiday and can afford it and would happily take the boost in credit score which isn't perfect. I just didn't expect on my low income to suddenly need to find something like £250 on an extravagant dress I'll only wear once.

It's crap that certain posters are hellbent on picking apart your finances OP, I don't get it.

I think Vinted or one of the Indian online shops suggested by others could be a great shout. But also, you shouldn't feel shy about raising the issue with your friend - she sees you as a good enough friend to ask to be her bridesmaid, and so should be understanding.

FWIW, I wouldn't want to spend £250 on a dress to only wear once either.

To be honest the fact she’s paying for a weeks accommodation for you changes things, as normally I’d say she pays for the dress, but as she’s also paying for you to have a full weeks holiday I think she’s being more than generous, the issue here is money is so tight you can’t afford an extra 250, and I’m not sure wearing a cheap dress is going to work really, but you don’t want to not be a bridesmaid, the other issue is she may feel duty bound to pay for the dress too, and I feel it’s too much, as this isn’t just you’re going for the wedding, you’re going for a full week on her.

My son has had many European holidays to visit family which I have gone with him, more for his benefit. I haven't ever had an adult holiday before and will be my first time flying so far. I don't even know why I need to justify anything tbh. My AIBU is about the dress and cost and me thinking the bridesmaid shouldn't have to pay for it, especially on my low income that doesn't have that kind of money spare for a dress of that price, that I'll only wear once.