To feel slightly miffed about paying for a dress now?

[confusedlady10]

My close friend is getting married in Thailand and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. At first I was going to decline as I couldn’t afford to travel that far out for the wedding for 7 days (single mum on low income) but got a small bonus from work and used it to pay part of the flights/trip and took out a credit card to pay the rest. because she’s paying for the accommodation for everyone it made it a bit easier for me financially to change my decision. Her background is Indian and she has gone back home to pick out her dresses and bridesmaid dresses, and sent me the one her and her family have chosen. The dresses cost £250 each and tbf they are stunning. She then said she would get mine and I could transfer her when she came back to the UK.

I was in shock due to the price and asked if I would be able to find something cheaper myself which she has accepted. I asked my other friend who is Indian (separate friendships) if she knew any nice shops to buy a cheap Indian style bridesmaid dress. She gave me a few but again out of my budget which is max £80. However she brought up that in Indian culture the bride always pays for the dresses and was in shock that I am having to pay out of pocket. I told her I don’t mind too much as long as the price is fair and don’t know anything much about this as their culture.

But her reaction made me think maybe it is a bit unreasonable to expect me to pay for the dress in the first place (my own objections are regardless of culture). The dress my friend has picked is very high quality and has lots of embellishments in a certain beautiful shade and I’m worried I wont be able to afford a dress that can match and look nearly as nice as the other bridesmaids and will stick out like a sore thumb. I will have to suck it up and just buy something cheap but do feel a bit miffed and I'm struggling to find anything so far.

YABU- You should should not feel miffed to pay for a dress no matter the quality.
YANBU - She should be paying for the dress.

You will struggle to get a quality Indian ‘bridesmaid’ type dress for anything less than that, the material and everything is considerably cheaper to buy out in India. They’re usually all made to measure, does the £250 include it being made up to your measurements?

I think I’d try and stretch to it if the food and accommodation and everything are all included but if you really can’t then have a look at second hand ones on Vinted. They are very fitted so you will need to get it as close to your exact measurements as possible (make sure the person selling isn’t shorter than you for example and there’s room to have it taken out at the chest etc if you have boobs!) you may need to still get alterations but this should minimise them.

Exactly! You are here for help regarding a wedding, not to be judged of your spending habits.
Whatever you decide to do about being a bridesmaid, I hope it all works out well for you.

Have you checked on Shein to see what they have in Indian style dresses? They do have a section for “ethnic” clothing and a lot of the items I’ve seen are beautiful. Obviously I don’t know how good the fabric is but surely if you did research online about what fabrics are typically used and check reviews (preferably from people of Asian descent who would know more about this) to see how the quality and fit is.

Putting typical life costs onto credit cards and not paying them off in full is for the benefit of the credit card company. I do not and have never lived this way, I only buy things I can easily afford and save in advance if I want to do something out of the ordinary. I have been this way since a student so not always had much income.

Thats never been how it works. Have you never been to a wedding before? Or even read about them? Bridesmaids have always paid for their own dresses.

Wow, what awful vipers nest has gathered on this thread 😳 truly some awful people.

Enjoy your amazing trip OP!! Life is for living 😃 I am very jealous. It sounds amazing!

I accidentally ticked YABU.
Your 'friend' is a cheeky bitch.

It’s 250 on top of 1.2k? Tbh it’s a once in a lifetime thing by the sounds of it. Look to see if you’re eligible for an interest free card with cash transfer and buy the dress. She’s paid way more than 250 for you to attend by the sounds of it.. just think of the hol/wedding costing 1.5. Cos the reality is you’d spend 100 on any other dress so it’s only an extra 150…

just my opinion as you’ve only got 600 to pay off. It’s an extra months payment. And then you can sell the dress? Perhaps get a £100 back for it… but if you go this route check with her that there are no more costs that will appear…

Just read a few replies... Wow Op there are some awful people out there telling you how to live your life..... I can see you've done your homework well and sorted everything but the dress cost...
Go for it! A great experience that will set you up for the next few years.. Enjoy xx

If she’s offered to pay for it and insists you wear a particular dress then do not feel guilty about accepting it. Don’t offer to pay

Just tell her you can't afford £250 for a dress so is she fine for you to pull out of being a bridesmaid or would she rather pay for a similar dress of the other bridesmaids as you wouldn't feel comfortable in a much cheaper one.

I’m amazed at her cf-ness, expecting you to travel to Thailand and pay for the dress! She must know you’re not rolling in cash?

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Ok so here’s my take, she’s asked you to be bridesmaid, she’s give you all the details of what’s included so you knew you only had to pay for the flights. You are there for a week, are the family feeding you all for the week or are you in a hotel all inclusive so don’t need to worry about money.
when this conversation was going on surely she should have said oh by the way you will also need to factor in the dress ect?
she knows you are a single mum so should be aware of your circumstances.
id just say to her “hey, I’m really sorry but the cost of the dress is a little high for me to get the money together for it and I don’t want to let you down, I’d love to wear what you’ve chosen, so if it’s ok with you, can I hold off paying for it until after the wedding?
you are willing to pay upwards of £100 so if you have to pay for it then surely it’s yours to sell after, can you sell it to recoup what you’ve then got to pay her?

My mum is Pakistani. For a friends wedding I just borrowed one of her sari’s. Can you ask your friend if she has any nice sari’s you can borrow? Some might be in the same colourway as the bridesmaids outfits

I had a very small wedding as finances were tight. I still paid for my bridesmaid’s dress. It’s basic manners. This is a dress you have picked and is unlikely to be worn again.

Don't be so bloody pompous! It's not for you to dictate how the op spends her money.

Well that's your choice of course, but financially speaking it's a sub-optimal choice.

IMO any large expenditure should go on credit card. A credit card provides a lot of consumer protection, eg if you lose the article or there is something wrong with it.

And using a credit card wisely is also one of the best ways to improve your credit score.

@confusedlady10 I think it would be fine to go back to your friend and just say “I cannot find anything as lovely as what you picked, in my budget - I really don’t want to ruin your photos and will feel embarrassed looking different from the other BMs, so would you rather I just come as a guest?” See what she says. She probably has made assumptions and not thought it through.

It really isn't. Standard practice is that the bridesmaids pay for their own dresses. Its been like that since the 70s at least. Very rarely, do brides cover the dresses.

I’ve been a bridesmaid 7 times and the bride has always paid for the dress.

You’re not going to have any bridesmaid duties at an Indian wedding, the family will cover it. So I don’t think you can expect a free dress.

Brides tend to pay for the outfits for close family, not friends.

You’re getting free accommodation, you should be happy with that.

Fine to wear a cheaper dress.

I would encourage you to have a conversation with your friend mainly for two reasons, 1. If you purchase an alternative it may not live up to her expectations and you could be lumbered with the cost, 2. Other costs like hair, make-up may creep in so better to establish your position nicely now.

Practically, if you choose to spend up to £80 on a dress, I would reach out to the south eastern community maybe where you live or further afield via Facebook with a plea for help? I don’t doubt that you can give your friend’s £250 dresses and specific colours and quality as a spec and something great could be found or made at an excellent price.

I am indian, this is unusual for a bride to choose your outfit for you but not pay for it. I had a traditional indian wedding with 10 bridesmaids. All their outfits were bought by me. You can’t ask someone to be a bridesmaid and then expect them to pay for an expensive outfit that you chose and which they probably might never wear again. Is this girl really your friend?! Does she not know what you can and can’t afford?!

Vinted sometimes has lovely Indian outfits too, for not much at all. I would suggest you search 'indian' on there and see what you get!