To feel slightly miffed about paying for a dress now?

[confusedlady10]

My close friend is getting married in Thailand and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. At first I was going to decline as I couldn’t afford to travel that far out for the wedding for 7 days (single mum on low income) but got a small bonus from work and used it to pay part of the flights/trip and took out a credit card to pay the rest. because she’s paying for the accommodation for everyone it made it a bit easier for me financially to change my decision. Her background is Indian and she has gone back home to pick out her dresses and bridesmaid dresses, and sent me the one her and her family have chosen. The dresses cost £250 each and tbf they are stunning. She then said she would get mine and I could transfer her when she came back to the UK.

I was in shock due to the price and asked if I would be able to find something cheaper myself which she has accepted. I asked my other friend who is Indian (separate friendships) if she knew any nice shops to buy a cheap Indian style bridesmaid dress. She gave me a few but again out of my budget which is max £80. However she brought up that in Indian culture the bride always pays for the dresses and was in shock that I am having to pay out of pocket. I told her I don’t mind too much as long as the price is fair and don’t know anything much about this as their culture.

But her reaction made me think maybe it is a bit unreasonable to expect me to pay for the dress in the first place (my own objections are regardless of culture). The dress my friend has picked is very high quality and has lots of embellishments in a certain beautiful shade and I’m worried I wont be able to afford a dress that can match and look nearly as nice as the other bridesmaids and will stick out like a sore thumb. I will have to suck it up and just buy something cheap but do feel a bit miffed and I'm struggling to find anything so far.

YABU- You should should not feel miffed to pay for a dress no matter the quality.
YANBU - She should be paying for the dress.

It’s an invitation - it’s up to people whether they want to go. OP is looking forward to going to Thailand.

You're a single mom. Priority is your family, not buying a dress for your friends wedding party. If the bride dictates what you wear, she then has to pay! I agree either decline the role or just don't go if you're being made to buy the dress for said role.

I had abroad wedding. Didn't have noone in immediate bridal group paid for there suits. And I paid hotel. In that groups people only expected to bring shoes and jewelery didn't have to match. I was very grateful to the people that could make it. She is being cheap.

If you're such great friends, she should understand.

Can you hire a dress? Is that even a thing?

I’ve been a bridesmaid twice (as a child), traditional English wedding, and both times the bride paid for the dresses. Especially if it’s also part of Indian culture I would expect the bride to pay.

My God...such a lot of judgemental pious responses!

OP has already explained that she is able to afford the flights with her bonus and a short-term credit card use. This isn't the issue, but it seems that many of you are horrified that someone on a low income without a partner has dared to spend her money how she choses, on something extravagant and enjoyable. Somehow this seems to have been conflated into her being a bad parent, putting her own selfishness ahead of her child, who is clearly neglected! I mean...WTF??!!

This smacks of the high-handed, entitled attitude we used to hear from privileged twats, who would complain about the unemployed daring to own such luxuries as TVs or mobile phones.

Seriously?

She's clearly explained how she is meeting the cost of the flights, but that paying £250 for a dress she'll wear only once and likely be unable to sell on is too much (I'm with you on that OP). Please stop with the judgement here.

OP, I hope you're able to find something to wear at a better price (or as another poster suggested, rented?) and have an absolutely fantastic time.

If she is a close friend why can't she have a better understanding of your situation - or why can't you tell her?
She should not be expecting you to pay - it just puts you in a difficult position.

Maybe because she’s already paying for a weeks accommodation etc for the op,

Given that the bride won't pay for her bridesmaids' dresses, @confusedlady10, what makes you so sure she'll definitely be paying for all your food while you are in Thailand? I mean, assuming you are going for a week to make the most of those expensive flights, you're surely going to have to pay for some meals – have you factored that into your budgeting?

I’d assume it was offered, I genuinely think given the huge generosity of the host buying your own dress is a fair ask.

She is paying for the accomodation and you are complaining about spending money for the dress?! Really?

Very well said @OneWildBiscuit.
I agree with everything you've said including your last paragraph where I too include my wish that @confusedlady10 has an absolutely fantastic time!

Hi
I don’t know where this idea has come from that bridesmaids pay for their own dresses. I think it’s very poor etiquette and really not fair.
The pressure on you particularly as you are on a low income/ single parent is totally ridiculous.

These days I just refuse to make my life harder for myself to please others.
I have health problems (serious) and personally I’d decline the position of bridesmaid.

I hope you are well and can resolve this without more stress

Love & light ✨

@janehopper The tradition of who buys the dress def. differs depending on the country.

In the UK, for example, the bride always buys the dresses; in the US, however, the bridesmaids buy their own. From what posters have said, in Indian culture the bride buys the dresses.

I suspect that the bride feels that as she’s paying for the accommodation, the bridesmaids should fork out- but it was her decision to have a destination wedding!

Don't feel embarrassed about explaining that you don't feel you can't be bridesmaid and it's because you don't know the full details of the cost.

She must know about your financial situation if she's such good friends with you. If not, it's a simple explanation.

Better do that then struggle and not enjoy the event, or even drop out of being bridesmaid without explaining.

It's not confrontation.

I’d bounce it back to her and say while you’re relieved she understands you cannot afford the admittedly gorgeous dress on top of everything else, you are concerned you will stick out and would like her expert input.

Just tell her your max budget and ask her can she help you identify something culturally appropriate and in-keeping with her BM frocks.

Perhaps she could source you a simpler ensemble, and/or find a wrap or whatever in a similar embellished fabric and shade that would elevate a more affordable outfit. Thereby making the whole thing look coherently part of the bridal
party. It’s a shame you can’t post the dress and people on here might be able to assist. What sort of shade/size/fabric are you talking - you could post on S&B? There’s renting as well. Or get a local dressmaker on it.

Personally, I agree she’s asking a lot, for someone to shell out for flights AND buy a pricey single-wear dress she’s chosen for them, but I suppose you want to go and you’ve already booked so that’s a by-gone. And maybe some of her other friends could wear it again or are so minted it doesn’t matter. If you can’t get the right frock the option is always there to thank her for the honour but suggest you just go as her pal.

Don’t be embarrassed about being honest about having a budget, that’s life. You may also need to give her the heads up that if you do go as her bridesmaid you’re not in a position to pay for professional hair, make-up etc. She’s your friend, you’ve said she’s lovely, so she’ll get it, I think. If I was her I’d see you right but maybe she feels if she does it for you she’d need to do it for everyone (and there’s a reason for that lol).

Firstly I'd look on Vinted or eBay see if you can get something from there, if not, then just say, I've been working my finances out and after paying for the flights I just really can't afford to buy a suitable dress so would it be ok to attend as a guest?

I'm not sure I'm clear on this - any money spent on your credit card IS debt... unless you have the money sitting in your bank account and could pay your credit card off right now, then you are in debt because of this.

I'm a lone parent and I think this is a crazy amount for her to ask you to spend, firstly on the flights but also in the dresses etc. I think if you're really as close as you say you are then the bride is really out of order asking you to pay for all this. I would also be very worried that this is a sign of things to come - you still haven't factored in hair/ makeup/bag/shoes/ hen party/ wedding gift. This is an insane cost to take on and tbh I'd have declined it altogether but I think the wisest thing you can do is be honest with her and say that you've had to put your flights etc on credit card and will be paying that off so you can't afford to contribute to anything else so it might be best that you step down as bridesmaid as you can't get into more debt for her wedding. If she's a remotely decent friend she will understand though tbh a decent friend probably would've have expected you to drop £250 on a dress after paying for a long haul trip for her wedding.

Hi I don’t know when it became suddenly a thing to ask your friend to be your bridesmaid then expect her to pay for her dress etc.

This is extremely poor etiquette in my eyes.
Regardless of financial situation it’s just poor taste.
That said, if you are a working single mother then even more reason to opt out.
Do not put pressure on yourself it’s just not worth it.

love & light, Jane x

Good idea. There are quite a few Indian sellers of clothes on eBay who sell decorative clothes for occasions..

It’s mad that you can’t see how your spending is of concern. You save you have saved for this but actually you haven’t, you’ve spent your bonus. To fund the other half you’ve had to take out a credit card. Which means you’re a single parent on low income with NO SAVINGS. Not only that, but you took out a credit card with interest which means you don’t even have a great credit score.

the fact that you haven’t ever been on an adult only holiday, or haven’t treated yourself in ages is irrelevant. You are a parent and you are being financially irresponsible and actually selfish. Your priority should be building up security for your family, ie a savings pot using your bonus and whatever else you can spare each month.

Onky once you have a substantial amount of savings should you be considering doing things like a holiday abroad etc…

Sorry but you have a poor attitude to finances

decline the bridesmaid position. She's not family so it shouldn't be expected for you to pay for an Indian dress that you will never wear again! And that you've paid for airfair irrespective that she's paying accommodation you have 7 days of food to buy!

I think OP is desperate to continue the pretence of being ok with the costs to her friend. Pride seems to be a big issue here.

We've seen multiple posts from OP defending getting into debt while still quibbling over the relatively very minor cost of a dress. It's as though she wants affirmation that it's reasonable to query the dress while not coming across as struggling for money. But if money wasn't a concern, why raise the issue of £250 in the first place? Why pretend to be better off than you are to so-called close friends as well as strangers on the internet?

Personally, if I was going to get into debt for a once-in-a-lifetime experience, it woudn't be for someone else's wedding!

And do you pay them off within a month? If you do, it's a different situation to what OP has described. If you don't, then you're a fool with money.