To feel slightly miffed about paying for a dress now?

[confusedlady10]

My close friend is getting married in Thailand and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. At first I was going to decline as I couldn’t afford to travel that far out for the wedding for 7 days (single mum on low income) but got a small bonus from work and used it to pay part of the flights/trip and took out a credit card to pay the rest. because she’s paying for the accommodation for everyone it made it a bit easier for me financially to change my decision. Her background is Indian and she has gone back home to pick out her dresses and bridesmaid dresses, and sent me the one her and her family have chosen. The dresses cost £250 each and tbf they are stunning. She then said she would get mine and I could transfer her when she came back to the UK.

I was in shock due to the price and asked if I would be able to find something cheaper myself which she has accepted. I asked my other friend who is Indian (separate friendships) if she knew any nice shops to buy a cheap Indian style bridesmaid dress. She gave me a few but again out of my budget which is max £80. However she brought up that in Indian culture the bride always pays for the dresses and was in shock that I am having to pay out of pocket. I told her I don’t mind too much as long as the price is fair and don’t know anything much about this as their culture.

But her reaction made me think maybe it is a bit unreasonable to expect me to pay for the dress in the first place (my own objections are regardless of culture). The dress my friend has picked is very high quality and has lots of embellishments in a certain beautiful shade and I’m worried I wont be able to afford a dress that can match and look nearly as nice as the other bridesmaids and will stick out like a sore thumb. I will have to suck it up and just buy something cheap but do feel a bit miffed and I'm struggling to find anything so far.

YABU- You should should not feel miffed to pay for a dress no matter the quality.
YANBU - She should be paying for the dress.

Get the dress while in Thailand. Take the picture and you'll probably get one made up, to fit, for about £15.

Check vinted. They shud have lots of cheap ones. What size are you ? I am Indian wudnt mind sending you one of mine I have lots n dnt know how to get rid of them.

Maybe offer your budget for an outfit towards the cost of the dress for £250.00. Explain this is all you can afford.

Honestly never heard of bridesmaids paying for their own dress etc, at the most I've heard wear your own shoes with the supplied dress, but you can pick up sandals for next to nothing should you need to. You can't ask someone to take a role in your wedding then be out of pocket

Good idea

I don’t even think bridesmaids are a thing in Indian wedding culture. Regardless, YANBU. If the bride wants her bridesmaids to wear a particular dress/adhere to a theme she should pay, otherwise they can pay especially if they’re buying something they can wear again.

She wants you in that dress, I think she should pay. I did think it was the done thing that they pay for the bridesmaid dresses.

India is so heterogeneous, there's heterogeneity in family, friends, everywhere. These make Indian weddings wonderful. Nowadays, some people wanting to have Bollywood-like weddings, for social media, is a trend. But to have their entitled way at people's expense, is their own culture, absolutely not Indian culture.
I'd hate anyone telling me how to dress, but that's me. Getting a credit card for this, doesn't arise. But its their wedding and your friendship. If you happen to go to an Indian wedding, you'll also meet people simply dressed and nice and not showy/arrogant. Since in Thailand, perhaps chosen curated dressed people coming! Annoying

Nonsense. I put all my flights / holidays onto a credit card as it is safer that way... Doesn't mean I cannot afford it.

May I add to that that wear what will suit you best, ignore the pressure if you can. Dress is just an attire, what will really shine beyond those (similar/same) dresses is your own self - your energy, persona. So I'd say just be yourself. You'll be comfortable that way and that will make you feel confident.

What size are you? Im in Australia and attended an Indian wedding in India and had a traditional dress made. I’m a
size 10. I’d gladly post it to you as I wouldn’t wear it again.

If she's already paying for seven days accommodation and food for you I think it's a bit cheeky to expect her to buy a dress for you as well. She's already said you don't need to buy the £250 dress and you can wear a dress of your choosing. If you're not comfortable being a bridesmaid in different/cheaper dress then just go as a guest and not as a bridesmaid.

I find it very odd that you're being expected to pay for a bridesmaid dress. Absolutely reasonable not to want to spend that much on a dress you hadn't chosen and would never wear again.

I've never understood this ‘foreign wedding’ stuff.

If a couple who want to go abroad to get married can’t afford to pay for every guest’s flight and hotel expenses (but maybe not food and drink) they should bloody well get married at home.

It’s ridiculous.

You have already booked the flight so go to the wedding as a guest if you still want to. You don’t owe anyone an explanation about that — it wasn’t even your question in the AIBU.

If you are feeling like the bridesmaid cost has snowballed and you’d like to drop out of that role, do so. You are justified in handling this however you choose but you need to stop feeling embarrassed over it. Be honest and keep your head up!

OP I would just be honest with your friend. I’ve been a bridesmaid at two western weddings, and I’ve never had to pay for my dress - so I don’t think it’s a cultural thing. Maybe she simply doesn’t realise that it’s the norm for the bride to cover the cost of bridesmaid’s dresses, hair and makeup etc - or maybe her wedding is so expensive that she can’t afford to pay for the bridesmaid dresses herself either? You mention that she’s paying for the accommodation - that must be expensive. Maybe she thought asking you to pay for your dress was a fair exchange?

Either way, I think being honest is your best bet. She might offer to cover or split the cost, source a cheaper dress for you that she likes and matches the rest of her theme, or be able to suggest a good site for secondhand traditional bridesmaid wear / hire.

She won't be if she is a friend. Perhaps because you could afford the fare she thought you might have more money than the have.

I thought it was always the custom in UK for the bride/family to pay for the bridesmaids' dresses, and I don't think many would pay for expensive dresses to be used once only.

If you have Indian friends who may already have some fancy dresses they can lend you, it could put your mind at rest, but then you run the risk of the bride's family being thought to be strapped for cash.

Far better to save blushes all round by going to the wedding as a guest.

I wouldn't go, I wouldn't like to be friends with someone who has so little self awareness.
In Ireland, the bride pays for the dresses, hair and makeup.

Your friend should pay for the dress, definitely.

Where/how did you find a low interest credit card and what do you consider to be a low interest rate? I’m asking purely out of (self-) interest because I have a bit of cc debt and always get accepted for 0% balance transfer cards but once the offer period is up, the lowest APR I’ve seen has been about 25%.

It’s an invitation not a summons. No one is forcing OP to go.

Your sister needs to pay for her own flight! You’ve gathered up credit card debts to pay for her flight! Plus you’ll need extra money if you plan on leaving the accommodation during the day, which you should. I’d cancel the flights and not go. Your sister is a CF and your friend is a CF for your friend telling you to pay to be her bridesmaid.

I would just go as a guest.

I think she is unreasonable to expect you to pay towards her wedding - travel, accommodations or clothing.

Most people use loans and credit cards regularly to afford things they want or need, as a way of budgeting. OP has already said she can afford to pay it off, so effectively she could afford to save but needs to book to secure. I assume you’ve never had a mortgage, or car lease/finance?

@confusedlady10 is it on a zero or very low interest credit card?

Honestly OP, just ignore those posters now, they all just think being low income is a crime. It’s a big life event for you and your friend, you’ve found a way to attend that won’t set you back financially for too long. They are derailing the thread and should be reported to MN.

Lots of good advice for you here from people who actually answered your question. I think you should try the route of asking your friend if you can attend as a guest as you’ve already had to put it on credit and don’t want to get more in debt for the dress. See what she says.