To feel slightly miffed about paying for a dress now?

[confusedlady10]

My close friend is getting married in Thailand and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. At first I was going to decline as I couldn’t afford to travel that far out for the wedding for 7 days (single mum on low income) but got a small bonus from work and used it to pay part of the flights/trip and took out a credit card to pay the rest. because she’s paying for the accommodation for everyone it made it a bit easier for me financially to change my decision. Her background is Indian and she has gone back home to pick out her dresses and bridesmaid dresses, and sent me the one her and her family have chosen. The dresses cost £250 each and tbf they are stunning. She then said she would get mine and I could transfer her when she came back to the UK.

I was in shock due to the price and asked if I would be able to find something cheaper myself which she has accepted. I asked my other friend who is Indian (separate friendships) if she knew any nice shops to buy a cheap Indian style bridesmaid dress. She gave me a few but again out of my budget which is max £80. However she brought up that in Indian culture the bride always pays for the dresses and was in shock that I am having to pay out of pocket. I told her I don’t mind too much as long as the price is fair and don’t know anything much about this as their culture.

But her reaction made me think maybe it is a bit unreasonable to expect me to pay for the dress in the first place (my own objections are regardless of culture). The dress my friend has picked is very high quality and has lots of embellishments in a certain beautiful shade and I’m worried I wont be able to afford a dress that can match and look nearly as nice as the other bridesmaids and will stick out like a sore thumb. I will have to suck it up and just buy something cheap but do feel a bit miffed and I'm struggling to find anything so far.

YABU- You should should not feel miffed to pay for a dress no matter the quality.
YANBU - She should be paying for the dress.

I just wanted to say that I feel pretty sorry for the OP right now and how much she has had to defend her actions when she asked a simple question about the dress: quite a lot of mud has been slung her way and a whole bunch of you have preached from their ivory towers about her getting into debt and how her child is missing out. Being a mum is hard full stop, single or otherwise. Life is short. She doesn’t need bloody lessons on credit cards and savings and what we must or must not spend money on as a single parent (a status which is irrelevant really).

I had a British wedding and it is custom here for the bride to pay for the bridesmaids dresses (as I did). I was a bridesmaid at an Italian wedding and the same applied. A bride who has chosen a destination wedding shouldn’t be expecting her bridal party to cover their outfit costs (especially where that will involve an outfit never worn again) and it doesn’t matter where they are from really, and I’m pretty shocked the bride thought this was ok without first checking with you!

Enjoy the trip OP, you deserve it

If she is Indian and you would not wear the dress more than once, is there no-one in her circles that would be happy to lend you a dress from a previous occasion? I know my friends would be happy to lend another friend a dress if the situation was this specific.

Have a look.on Vinted. Search for Indian adult bridesmaid dress. There are some on there that are very reasonable. You will.orobably have a lively time. Make it happen somehow!!

Blimey that’s a ridiculous amount to try & afford beautiful or not it’s a bit unfair,
flights etc are expensive enough without the extra £250!
i personally would decline xx

Seeing as you are adsmant that a short term CC debt is not a problem to you why cant you ask her to let you pay for it directly then pay on your CC instead if her paying for it then getting it back off you in one hit ?

It's unreasonable to expect you to pay for a dress that she chose. I'd probably be less put out given that she's paying towards the accommodation, but it's still not reasonable to expect you to pay for the dress.

SHE should be paying for this!!!

OP go Southall Broadway you'll pick up something stunning for between 20 and 60 pounds. It's on the Elizabeth line. West London.

sorry you’re getting so much stick OP - life’s too short. If you get the chance for a once in a lifetime holiday that you can make work then I don’t see why you shouldn’t go. Mums are allowed some time to themselves too - think it will do you the world of good. And your son is 5 - he’s not necessarily going to appreciate that sort of trip anyway so wouldn’t say he is missing out especially if he is due to be with his dad then. Go and enjoy it. But have an honest conversation with your friend about the dress.

I just wanted to say that sometimes, in some circumstances, credit use feels like the only option. It doesn’t make people “stupid” or “irresponsible” or a bad parent as has been suggested on some of these posts. Sometimes it’s the only way to carve out a little bit of life for yourself when your whole world is about your kids and home. Not depending on credit a little is a luxury. Is it ideal? Of course not. OP already knows, but has made it workable.

OP, I agree that if it’s going to cripple you financially you would be well within your rights to set a soft boundary and decline going, or ask to go as a guest instead. If you dearly want to be there, then finding ways to make it comfortable for you is of course understandable. I am already certain your DC receives the very best of what you have and your bonus should be spent on something that brings you happiness. If that’s making this overseas wedding accessible, then that’s what you should do. Everyone knows you’re more use to others when you’re also pouring into yourself from time to time.

I think the second hand market is a great idea, but if you love the dress and want to wear it (if money were no issue) I’d love to contribute as a way to help pay it forward. I hope this comes across as well meaning and not patronising. I’ve struggled financially with no one to turn to and now I’m more comfortable, is all. I wish someone had helped me feel human from time to time.

you are gunna resent the whole thing and therefore it’s not going to be an enjoyable way to spend your time off, let alone your money,

I would decline and unless you can afford I wouldn’t be partaking in the wedding at all given that it’s abroad

a good friend like you say she is would understand

£250 is a lot to ask you to spend. I would have an honest chat with your friend about it.
I would also ignore all the judgemental comments about your personal finances. It's fine to use a credit card from time to time for things you can't quite afford if you know you can make the payments. Some people just like to put people down because it makes them feel better about themselves.

Bride pays for all bridesmaid stuff and she should give you a gift as a thank you. You should not be out of pocket in anyway. Politely decline and don't get in debt on that credit card for someone else. Use you bonus to have a nice treat with your child or children.

We had the best holiday this summer. Some of it went on credit card and I am still paying it off...aren't I a disgrace!!

Bloody hell, I really feel for you OP. You asked a simple AIBU about having to buy your own bridesmaid dress and you are showered with so many other opinionated answers from wannabe financial advisors on here.

They’ll all be phoning in to Martin Lewis on your behalf soon, to report you to the finance police.
I’m not sure why you’ve spent so much time answering individually to justify your spending. You’ve clearly got a plan to pay back, it will be a once in a lifetime experience, go and enjoy it. We never know what’s round the corner in life, so long as you don’t get yourself into unmanageable debt, fuck it, just go and experience it.

everyone else, live life with a bit of risk sometimes, you might enjoy yourselves🤣

I think she really ought to be paying for the dress as that is the norm, especially when she is asking you to travel to Thailand, even though you will make a holiday out of it and hopefully have a great time.

I think I would be honest and say it is not in your budget on top of flights and spending money. It is then down to her to say it doesn’t matter what you wear or say that she will pay.

Can you look on Vinted?? I reckon there must be lots of people selling expensive Indian wedding outfits they only wore once!!

This. Mine paid £30 for their own alterations as it was a preference that’s it. I paid shoes, hair, accommodation and I even paid for the hen do! (Abroars)

Over a third of families in the UK put a holiday on credit last year, including ours.

Mumsnetters are hilariously out of touch with the real world.

Why do some posters go back through op past posts to pick them.apart? I don't get it.

I have a house on debt I can't afford. I put my holidays on my credit card as it gives me protection. I have 200k of debt on my mortgage but I go on holiday. Because like OP I have factored in paying my debt off.

Otherwise we'd all be minted buying houses and cars in cash or living like a miser for 25 years until the mortgage is paid off. Why is everyone being so snipey?

I think it’s crazy the amount of money people have to spend on weddings, hen and stag dos. As you are a single mum on a low income it’s unfair of the bride to put this pressure on you, especially as you will be using a credit card where costs could spiral. I think so many people these days think they are celebrities and spend lots of money to show off on social media. My kids spend a fortune on going abroad for stag and hen dos and weddings. At the risk of sounding old 😂, I can remember when we went to the local pubs for our hen dos and we had a great time.

I am more shocked at the £1200 flight for I assume is economy.

That alone would have made me decline. Even at peak Christmas when I went it was £800 and it was with a decent airline, £1200 is very expensive. The hotel would be cheap as chips, even the Ritz Carlton or Conrad is a fraction of what you would pay in the USA or Europe so people saying at least she’s getting her accommodation paid for, that’s actually the cheapest major expense in the
grand scheme and then on top of the £1200, needs to fork out £250 for a dress you would likely not wear ever again. I’d politely decline being a bridesmaid.

Now this thread has made me want mango sticky rice 🤤

Exactly

i do t think it’s even a cultural thing. When my daughter got married (uk white culture) we paid for the bridesmaids dresses, shoes, bags, hair and bridesmaids gifts, and their nights accommodation at the hotel where the reception was held. When my daughter was later a bridesmaid for one of her bridesmaids her parents did the same for her and the other bridesmaids.

i don’t think you are being unreasonable in these circumstances, your friend is. I’m sorry this thread has been sidetracked by so many responses calling you irresponsible, rather than responding to your question. I completely understand why you don’t want to pay for a dress you’ll never wear again.

I would tell her you can’t afford it, and if she won’t pay, I would just go as a guest.

Im always baffled how much time people have on their hands to go wading through old posts. Mad behaviour