Partner’s son smashed telly again and DP says it’s my fault???

[AutumnSquashSoup]

honestly I’m shaking writing this I just don’t even know anymore 😭
so DP’s lad (14) was here last night and started kicking off cos I told him it was time to come off xbox for tea, next thing controller’s flying across the room and bang straight into the telly 😩 screen’s got this massive crack now all lines down it

DP comes home from work and instead of telling him off he starts having a go at ME saying I “wind the lad up” and “don’t know how to talk to teenagers” like sorry for trying to feed everyone?? I was literally making spag bol with baby on my hip and eldest climbing on the sofa again

now he’s stormed off in the van saying he’s not paying for another telly cos “it’s always drama in this house” well yeah maybe if you actually parented your kid for once 🙄

I don’t even know what to do anymore can’t afford a new one and kids are crying cos they can’t watch bluey
I’ve honestly tried with that boy but he just glares at me and calls me names under his breath

AIBU to think DP should pay for the telly and actually tell his son off properly for once??
not asking for judgement just advice pls

OK just stop for a minute and think.

You’re in a better position than a lot of people in a situation like this.

You have a council house in your name.
Kick the bastard out and just get on with parenting your 2 little ones. It will be so much easier doing it alone with the knowledge you’ve been strong and put them first.

You won’t be being spoken to like shit, being treated with such utter disrespect (honestly the nerve of the man blaming you when his little shit couldn’t control himself 😡😡).

You can do this.

Change the locks and put his stuff outside. I'm serious. Text him saying it's not working and it's over for good.

Just when I hear women on here say: partner. Knowing that it's only shit coming

I haven't had time to read through all the pages of responses but I'm sure I'm not alone in saying its time you leave this relationship behind.
Your DP doesn't care about you in this relationship and is not a good parent. Je will never ever support your opinion when it comes to his son and he will NEVER change. His son is fast learning that you will always be undermined and have zero authority in the household. He is not setting his son good life examples so please leave this shit show behind and chalk it up to a bad fish that needs throwing back ....

Chuck him and his kid out. Contact CSA and get a claim set up and then if you aren't already, sort UC. You'll be a lot better off without them both. He's not parenting the lad, he's making excuses.
I would have been absolutely livid about the TV.

Op the way he is treating you is abuse. You were entirely reasonable yet he made you think it was your fault then he storms off and yet its you calling and texting him. What are you saying begging him not to leave do he will come back? You say he has left you 50 times before hes got you exactly where he wants you emotionally and financially dependent. Think about what your kids are seeing do you want them to act like that.in relationships when they are older? Its not easy but the only person who can change things is you

Please, please ask for professional help you and the children are in danger. You will feel stronger with that help. Can someone change your locks it’s your house.
God Bless.

Your children really do deserve better. As do you.

Pack his things. Tell him to come and collect both them and his son. Do not backdown, no matter what he says.

Put in your claim for CMS.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but Stepson has to go for the safety of the 2 young ones, and later to stop them copying his behaviour.

Violent behaviour because you don't like what your parent is telling you to do is not acceptable.

If DP doesn't accept Stepson has to go then DP has to leave and provide for Stepson on his own. He can still be part of your family without his son.

What will you do when the kid loses his shit and punches your 5 year old?

Because as night follows day, it WILL happen at some point.

Are you going to wait until that day before you act, or prevent it by not having either of them back? You can claim help with the rent and as a woman who had kids a similar age when I became a single mother, it is a hell of a lot easier than life with a selfish useless tosser.

And give cash converters a try for a second hand TV, you can pay weekly and the kids can watch bluey on your phone for a while.

Oh and he will be forced to pay through CMS if he wont pay off his own bat.

but you said he had a job? Just go to CMS and get money deducted from his pay

Your partner's son is only 14, disrespectful, and violent. So far it's only been violence towards property (I'm assuming), but there's no guarantee it will stay that way. Regardless, it's unacceptable. His father won't do anything about him, so you'll just be left hoping that he either matures on his own or decides to move out. Your own two children are young, now, but you can see that their father won't be much help if you start having trouble with them, and witnessing how their half-brother behaves won't be helping the situation.

You chose a loser, unfortunately. That damage is done, but you can choose whether or not to stay with him.

The son is just copying his dad. That’s what kids do. No respect for you.

The other two are learning the same lesson.

If “walking on eggshells” is part of your life, you’re in an abusive relationship.

I don’t know about paying for the TV, I’d be ending the relationship. Seriously, is this the best you can hope for?

@AutumnSquashSoup

Okay, so if I read your last update properly, you’re staying with him because you need his income - correct?
Hey I did that. It’s a bottomless shaft that you keep falling deeper & deeper into and it gets darker & darker as you fall.
But I grabbed onto the sides and I’ll tell ya - it hurt. I filed for divorce (in my case) and I went completely broke.
But I saved my own life and sanity.
And it’s YOUR HOUSE - HE LEAVES, YOU STAY & HE PAYS SUPPORT FOR THE TWO KIDS. No argument. If you have to get a lawyer, well then f**k him, he’ll pay for that lawyer too.
Remember - you aren’t hallucinating. This really happened and that kid is a nightmare.
YOU’RE RAISING 4 CHILDREN - IS THAT WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR???
Get those nightmares OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!!!

I don’t understand? If the council house is in your name why do you need somewhere to go? Kick him out! He sounds like a proper loser. There will be support out there. You can get help but if you carry on in this cycle your own kids will end up just having really poor role models. Do better by them and take out the trash

If the house is in your name then DP needs to leave. I don’t pretend its easy and you may need support to do it but he is living in your house so if you are separating he will need to move.

Call it a trial separation so he can focus on his eldest for a while if that helps but get advice on how to remove both of them from the house. It is not good for your younger children to be in such a violent and volatile situation - prioritise them, it may help you work out the next steps. You deserve better than this as do your children.

Id tell DP I wasn't having DSS in the house without him when he has such a violent temper with no consequences in front of my babies.

DSS will have to arrive and leave with his dad until hes willing to apologise and improve his behaviour

Hello @AutumnSquashSoup I'm sorry you're in this situation. I was in a very similar position and looking back I would advise you to call your health visitor or DV service for support now, they will help you decide what to do and help make a safe exit strategy (if that's what you decide) which is the most important thing.

Maybe take a few days and go stay with friends or family with your children and get some breathing space if you can do that safely.

I'm sure there's more that's happening that you can't necessarily see right now. I'm happy for you to message me directly if that might help.

(To those criticising why women find themselves in relationships like this or why they stay- it isn't that simple. Maybe count your blessings you haven't experienced this instead of being so unhelpful.)

Leave him and don’t use tv to parent your kids.

This will bells on.

Also this from pp
"I’d be telling him he needs to be present all the time his son is in “his” care and doing all the parenting of him, especially since you are so shit at it. He can cook those nights and do all his laundry (assuming he doesn’t already)."

If he has that little control and that bad a temper, I'd be worried for the welfare of my children. Your partner should be being a team with you. He's being both an awful parent and awful partner.

Your other kids will also be watching and copying the behaviour of his son, and watching your relationship dynamics for a model for their future relationships. Would you accept this for them?

The partner sounds worse than the son. His son does something wrong but no it cant be his fault.. this is a bad omen.

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.. spring's to mind.
And if that's the case learnt behaviour from the boy perhaps?

Oh do one!

Lots of kids like to watch particular shows and sometimes it the only way to get 10 minutes to do something wild and selfish like having an unaccompanied wee.

Its not "using tv to parent" to let watch an epidsode of Bluey after dinner. Are you this sanctimonious in real life?!

I really feel for you. But u say you cant manage without him but it doesnt sound like you're managing with him anyway. And if his son isnt around thats one less mouth to feed. Can you set some boundaries and if he leaves so be it? Any relatives around can help?

Will u be able to get a job when baby is older and maybe a childminder with the 15 hours free childcare?