Partner’s son smashed telly again and DP says it’s my fault???

[AutumnSquashSoup]

honestly I’m shaking writing this I just don’t even know anymore 😭
so DP’s lad (14) was here last night and started kicking off cos I told him it was time to come off xbox for tea, next thing controller’s flying across the room and bang straight into the telly 😩 screen’s got this massive crack now all lines down it

DP comes home from work and instead of telling him off he starts having a go at ME saying I “wind the lad up” and “don’t know how to talk to teenagers” like sorry for trying to feed everyone?? I was literally making spag bol with baby on my hip and eldest climbing on the sofa again

now he’s stormed off in the van saying he’s not paying for another telly cos “it’s always drama in this house” well yeah maybe if you actually parented your kid for once 🙄

I don’t even know what to do anymore can’t afford a new one and kids are crying cos they can’t watch bluey
I’ve honestly tried with that boy but he just glares at me and calls me names under his breath

AIBU to think DP should pay for the telly and actually tell his son off properly for once??
not asking for judgement just advice pls

It is a council house and you are pushing benefits.

Why not suggest OP gets some self respect and earns a wage to fully support her chosen lifestyle.

Are you really so hard of thinking to not see that they dont start out like this? No one would give them a second date if they did!

Mine didnt. He was utterly wonderful in literally every way. Until he wasnt. And even then it was just an odd comment or reaction.....ten years later the police removed him for attempting to strangle me.

Well given that the OP isnt the kids mother, not sure what your point is about her.

Agree with you about his father though.

"I know everyone’s saying leave but it’s not that easy when you’ve got 2 kids and nowhere to go"
You don't need anywhere to go, it's your house not his ( "it’s council house in my name" ).

This relationship is going nowhere "he’s said he was “done” like 50 times" and "we’ve been together nearly 6 years on and off (mostly off this year tbh)" . At best, he's mentally checked out of the relationship this year. More likely (sorry) he was never really in, but you were in no position to notice because your attention was taken up by raising small children (I'm guessing he doesn't parent your children any more than he parents his eldest).

"I just feel trapped tbh don’t even know where to start"
Honestly, you are not trapped, but his behaviour has befuddled you into thinking you are. Where you start is - money. You're worried about that ("I’m already behind on the leccy" and "if I tell him to go he’ll just take the van and not give me anything for the kids like he has before" ) so you need to find out what benefits you will be entitled to. For starters, with him gone you'll be entitled to the single person discount on your council tax. Check on https://www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators to see if you are entitled to claim any benefits. And since he has chosen in the past to not pay towards his children, claim for child maintenance at https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service .

When you waver, remember your own words - "our eldest is 5 nearly 6 and the baby’s 17 months so they’re still little and that’s why I’m scared cos they see all this shouting and it’s not fair on them". It's not fair on them, and it's not healthy either. Give your children the best start in life with a calm and loving home. Your partner (ex-partner?) cannot offer that to your children. He has no interest in doing so. Protect yourself and protect your children from his indifference and from his son.

((hug))

Are you saying he was the perfect partner and then 10 years later suddenly became extremely violent. You must be exceptionally unlucky because research shows people reveal their true personality much earlier giving you time to leave.

HedwigEliza you sound like one of those men pointing the accusing finger at the nearest woman. The taxpayer should be worrying about the number of violent men around - who are not ‘created’ by having worse lives, they do not have worse lives than the women around them do. Women try to look after their kids. And this teen is not the op’s son.

Op I’m no expert but there are so many red flags in the little you’ve said. It does sound like your partner is sexist and belittling you in classic abuser fashion, and the teen has that learned behaviour. Throwing a controller hard enough to smash a telly is no joke.

Theyve done you a favour by leaving, and it’s your house. Lock the doors: the only text you need to send is to tell them you want some time to yourself after their display and not to come round. Then as pp’s said, get in touch with any support you have, family or social services, and look into how you can live on your own. Women’s aid may be able to help, perhaps Shelter on living costs and the council for the electric.

Typical misogyny. Women are to blame for men’s actions.

@AutumnSquashSoup get the locks changed while he and step son are out. Your tenancy. Nothing will change while he is still in your house/life. You will manage without him. Your life will be better.

What are you hanging around for do you have girls or boys. Your sons will grow up thinking this is how men act and copy the behaviour and daughters will grow up thinking this is how men act and end up in an abusive relationship. This is not normal and not how families are please don't normalise this for your children

First response nails it ☝🏼

A- kick him and his 14 Yr old out

And

B- look on fb marketplace - you can pick up replacements much cheaper

It’s not misogyny to point out that women have choices and agency, more than at any other point in human history, and yet we see them making appalling choices and inflicting misery on the children they chose to have with these losers, and other women are desperate to absolve them of any and all responsibility. You’re not helping women by bleating about misogyny and believing all women’s choices should be respected or even tolerated. Look at the mess these poor children are in through no fault of their own.

I am going to assume that you are being purposely obtuse simply to be contrary. Because the obvious meaning to what I said was that it is insidious. It creeps up, tiny bit by tiny bit until suddenly your mired deep in an abusive relationship that has battered you mentally to the point where you simply cannot see what to do or how to do it.

I am genuinely happy that you have no idea how that can happen, because it means that it has never happened to you. I wish the same for all women.

This is awful and your DP is a terrible parent and partner. It's not about the money per se but about him not backing you up in a situation where a) you were right and b) even if you had 'wound up' his son it wouldn't have justified him breaking the TV.

I would start refusing to do anything for his son. He can eat food from the house but you won't interact with him. It's sad because teenage boys need good parenting, but if his actual dad isn't prepared to do it, it's going to end badly for everyone. Be prepared to leave if it ever looks possible (eg when both your kids are in school) - he'll not parent your younger ones any better by the sound of it. And he's an awful partner.

You surely can’t seriously think it’s preferable for women and young children to be in abusive relationships and living with a violent teenage boy? The op is EXACTLY who I am very happy to pay taxes.

@AutumnSquashSoup . I work for a local authority and we have a client hardship service (for financial emergencies)and a welfare rights service to help people claim benefits. Do a search for your local county council.

Out Parish Council also have a 'fuel allotment fund' for residents of the parish unable to pay energy bills.

He needs to leave along with his violent, disrespectful, foul mouthed son. He is 14 and should know better.
You will be OK, you need to make a claim for UC, and get in touch with CSA if that's what it's still called, make him pay for the two children he has with you.
He is trying to control you, he said you cannot manage without him. Oh yes you can, you will be better off in every way, and you won't have to suffer his sons rudeness, he will have to parent then won't he?
You hold the cards, your name is on the tenancy the house.
I wish you well OP

He needs to leave along with his violent, disrespectful, foul mouthed son. He is 14 and should know better.
You will be OK, you need to make a claim for UC, and get in touch with CSA if that's what it's still called, make him pay for the two children he has with you.
He is trying to control you, he said you cannot manage without him. Oh yes you can, you will be better off in every way, and you won't have to suffer his sons rudeness, he will have to parent then won't he?
You hold the cards, your name is on the tenancy the house.
I wish you well OP

Op not much help but you don’t have nowhere to go- it’s your council house

Run

Sounds like his son is a chip off the old block. I’d fuck they both off.

I know everyone’s saying leave but it’s not that easy when you’ve got 2 kids and nowhere to go and he keeps saying I’d “never manage without him”
I just feel trapped tbh don’t even know where to start Yeah, it really is that simple. You don’t need to go anywhere. You’ve got a council house in your name; do not give that up. It’s him and his feral son who’ll be going. He keeps saying that you’ll never manage without him because he wants you to believe it. If you don’t believe it, you’ll start feeling strong enough to fuck him right off out of it, and that’s not going to work for him. Cast your mind back to before you met him. You managed without him then, didn’t you? Well you’ll manage without him again.

As far as cash goes, you contact Women’s Aid and/or the CAB and ask for benefits advice to see if you’re entitled to any extra now he’s not living there. Contact your electricity supplier and ask to pay the debt off a fiver a week. They won’t cut you off unless it’s an absolute last resort. They have teams in place to help people who are really struggling; you just have to engage with them. Contact Gingerbread (a charity set up to help single parent families) to see what help and support they can provide you with. Look on Freecycle, people give away old tvs all the time. And it might not be big or flash, but they’ll be able to watch Bluey on it. Or sell the bloody X Box!

Stop texting him. Running after him begging for attention? You're better than that.

Your home:
Do you own it?
Does he own it?
Do you both own it?
If rented, whose name is it in?

Do you have a job? As in career, status, skills, income, savings, pension, colleagues, an employee assistance programme, a line manager you can confide in ?

If you don't have a job, look for part time work to start building your confidence, your funds and your life outside this mess.

Family and friends - who do you have to turn to? To talk to, stay with?

Please ensure you're on rock solid contraception you control. Another pregnancy would be a disaster.

Find out about benefits and what you might be entitled to, including child maintenance.

Do you know the teen's mother? Might be wise to build a working relationship with her.

This is appalling behaviour from your partners son and totally unacceptable . If hes behaving like this at home goodness knows how he behaves with his mother ( I presume he sees her) or at school. Your partner..his father should have backed you up and this sort of behaviour needs to be tackled. Hes a nasty little thug and since hes getting away with this behaviour he is going to keep on doing this stuff. You need to fez up, your partner has got some issues, you've also got two young children with him. You probably depend on him but you've got to stand your ground, you don't have to stand for this violent behaviour and if this boy continues to make your life a misery he has to go before there is a real issue . I don't think things bode well for your future, if your partner loves you he'd support you. Hes treating you like a doormat tbh, have you any family? You should enlist their help. This nonsense has to stop or you end the relationship.

I was exceptionally unlucky just like @PyongyangKipperbang . XH morphed from loving husband to somebody hating my guts in 5 years. I suppose he couldn’t stand his children getting more attention than he used to 🤷‍♀️