Partner’s son smashed telly again and DP says it’s my fault???

[AutumnSquashSoup]

honestly I’m shaking writing this I just don’t even know anymore 😭
so DP’s lad (14) was here last night and started kicking off cos I told him it was time to come off xbox for tea, next thing controller’s flying across the room and bang straight into the telly 😩 screen’s got this massive crack now all lines down it

DP comes home from work and instead of telling him off he starts having a go at ME saying I “wind the lad up” and “don’t know how to talk to teenagers” like sorry for trying to feed everyone?? I was literally making spag bol with baby on my hip and eldest climbing on the sofa again

now he’s stormed off in the van saying he’s not paying for another telly cos “it’s always drama in this house” well yeah maybe if you actually parented your kid for once 🙄

I don’t even know what to do anymore can’t afford a new one and kids are crying cos they can’t watch bluey
I’ve honestly tried with that boy but he just glares at me and calls me names under his breath

AIBU to think DP should pay for the telly and actually tell his son off properly for once??
not asking for judgement just advice pls

More questions:

Do you have any family, either local or not?
Do you currently have any professional support?

If you have family and/or professional support in place, reach out to them and ask for their help. If you don't have professional support then I would suggest trying to get some in place, even if it means a visit to the GP for signposting. Your children are growing up in a dysfunctional home with a violent older brother and parents who (by the sounds of it) regularly shout at one another. If I were you I would self refer to social services rather than take the risk of someone overhearing all of this shouting and doing it for you.

Chuck him out!

The council house is in your name so kick the loser out.

You need to work towards getting your abuser out of your house. You could ask Chat Gpt for a simple escape plan. You can do it!

OP, it's your house! Kick him out, now! Yes, it'll be hard on your own with 2 small kids, but I guarantee it won't be as hard as it is now. You get rid of the thug and the kid he's dragging up to become a thug. Imagine your kids growing up in this environment and thinking it's normal. You need to protect them, give them the calm, nurturing home they deserve.

This is great advice!

I wouldn't be alone with a violent adult or teenager - why should you be in that position? Your partner should be at home before your step-son is allowed in the house. The pair of them can then do whatever they want re dinner / video games / speaking to each other "correctly" 🙄

You're SO MUCH less trapped than most women. The tenancy is in your name.

Kick him out and get your UC application in.

He needs you. You don't need him.

Why the lol at him saying he's done?

If you want him out then posters will help. If you just want to moan then say that.

There is an answer but this is an awful environment for your kids and he is a terrible father.

You know what you have to do OP. You just need to dredge up the strength and courage. There will be so much support & help for you on this site if you do decide to kick him out. It might be hard at first but it’s the right thing to do.

How many of your tvs has he broken before?

Its strange how everybody is avoiding the word 'boy' and 'child' referring to her SS as a 'young male'.
I dont think a young teen throwing something (at noone) in frustration, constitutes 'violent' or 'abusive'. Its the usual mumsnet sexist hyperbole at play

I don’t find the lol comment funny either. Two young children relying on you for a safe home and you put up with this instead?
As someone else said, you’re a lot less trapped then most who do leave with nothing.
You need to take action before someone reports your family to social services. If I was your neighbour and I heard all this going on, I wouldn’t hesitate. Someone needs to protect the small children who have no choice in this living arrangement.

I'm so sorry. You are in a terrible spot.

I wouldn't take that from my other half tell him straight he either steps up and sorts his sons attitude out towards you .. changes his own attitude towards you or they can both leave .

Also tell your DP that his son is now a risk to your two smaller children and that he can only be in the house when he is there - he cannot be alone with you and/or your DC at any time.

This is excellent advice, and I think that it would be worth contacting children's social services, outlining your concerns about DSS's anger issues and the potential risk to your children, emotionally if not physically, and asking their advice.

They will have dealt with situations like this before, and will be able to offer advice and strategies to deal with it. This may be the wake-up call that your DP needs.

It's not you who should leave. You kick him and his horror of a teenage son out of YOUR house.

You say it is your council house and in your name so his name isn't even on the tenancy by the sound of things. Get the locks changed while they are both out, bag up their stuff and leave it outside.

If they come back and start harassing and threatening you then call the police.

Get some advice from Women's Aid too.

This! Nothing trapped about it. You have a roof over your head and that’s half the battle won. Many women don’t have that and can’t afford to rent privately so they really are “trapped”

My ex left me with 2 kids, walked out the door and never came back, I had no heads up just left and buggered off to the Middle East he has zero contact with his son ever since, it’s been 15 years now, my youngest was 2 at the time.

Luckily I had my own flat, and I just had to get on with it, simply as, I didn’t even have the luxury to me biting my nails or shaking as to how I would cope. It was hard and fell into a depression but that was more because of the way he blindsided me rather than how I was going to cope, etc but the local services and sons school were all very supportive and within a few months I was in a better place.

He doesn’t sound like he’s much help or use around the house anyway other than for helping towards the bills but honestly I’d rather live in poverty than deal with that kind of idiotic man and his kid.

If your partner can't attempt to parent his son, kick him out.

A teenage boy plus computer games. Work of the devil. I’d be furious OP, with both of them. Couldn’t be bothered with either in my life.

This!

You don’t need to “leave”

You need to contact the council to say you are splitting up due to his and his son’s abusive behaviour. Get his name off the house. Wait until he’s out and change the locks. Or better yet do it now.

Change the locks and pack up his stuff. Drop it to a neutral party. Tell him either you can agree contact and child maintenance etc amicably or by court order. https://www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/types-of-court-order

I don’t get why you want your younger kids around this waster and his son. Who sadly is becoming a waster like his dad.

She’s not really. She can kick him out so very easily. The house is in her name.

You will manage without him

hes a bully

and your kids deserve better then that

good it’s a council property and in your name

so he can leave

yes I know it’s easier said then done but you aren’t happy and he doesn’t sound supportive or loving

I know everyone’s saying leave but it’s not that easy when you’ve got 2 kids and nowhere to go and he keeps saying I’d “never manage without him”
I just feel trapped tbh don’t even know where to start

Wow, OP, he's really done a number on you.

Of course you'd manage without him, probably a damn sight better than with him, by the sound of it. You'd get around £1k a month in UC, your rent and council tax would be covered, and you can go through CMS and get maintenance on top of that. As the tenancy is in your name, and you're not married, I can't see that he has any right to remain in the property, although it would be worth getting advice from Women's Aid.

And your life would be far more peaceful for the three of you, which is priceless.