Partner’s son smashed telly again and DP says it’s my fault???

[AutumnSquashSoup]

honestly I’m shaking writing this I just don’t even know anymore 😭
so DP’s lad (14) was here last night and started kicking off cos I told him it was time to come off xbox for tea, next thing controller’s flying across the room and bang straight into the telly 😩 screen’s got this massive crack now all lines down it

DP comes home from work and instead of telling him off he starts having a go at ME saying I “wind the lad up” and “don’t know how to talk to teenagers” like sorry for trying to feed everyone?? I was literally making spag bol with baby on my hip and eldest climbing on the sofa again

now he’s stormed off in the van saying he’s not paying for another telly cos “it’s always drama in this house” well yeah maybe if you actually parented your kid for once 🙄

I don’t even know what to do anymore can’t afford a new one and kids are crying cos they can’t watch bluey
I’ve honestly tried with that boy but he just glares at me and calls me names under his breath

AIBU to think DP should pay for the telly and actually tell his son off properly for once??
not asking for judgement just advice pls

Short step from being violent to objects to being violent to you, particularly now his dad has confirmed he's ok with it and will blame you.

DP sounds very little use in all ways and is frequently 'done' - get rid OP.

This is so helpful OP! It really is good news that the house is yours, not his. He actually has more to lose than you. Honestly you will look back in wonder at how you ever put up with him.

As the house is in your name, you need to tell him to leave and mean it. You and your two children will be much better off without the turmoil caused by your 'partner'. He's abusive and he's undermining you.

The way he treats you and allows his son to treat you is appalling and not the way a true partner would behave.

You are not trapped, you just need to make the right decision. You are an adult and a mother, you are more than capable of managing without him. This man adds nothing to your life, get rid of him.

Another vote for dump the twat and hence follows the son. It won't get better you know.

Okay @AutumnSquashSoup so I am likely to get flamed for this but here goes… firstly, in no way am I suggesting this is in any way your fault. You sound like you are going above and beyond providing for your kids.
Saying that, I’m wondering about your DP’s lad’s experience. How does he feel about you and DP being together and his DF having kids with you? Does he feel a bit pushed aside snd angry and he is taking this out (unfairly but predictably) on you? Ie. “You’re not my mum, how dare you tell me what to do?”. Is your partner feeling guilty about how his son feels and also therefore putting the blame (unfairly yet predictably) on you?
If I were you, I would talk to your Dp (if you want to figure this out)… what does he want you to do when it’s dinner time and his son refuses to get off his device? Tell him once then leave dinner to get cold? It could be heated up later? Leave it in his room? You need a plan for what to do. Also I’d suggest getting together as a 3 and figuring this out… recognise it might be hard for him having someone who is not his mum telling him what to do and at the same time there are expectations and boundaries in the house, especially little kids need to be kept safe. So, as a 3, how are you going to figure this out? Maybe he only comes round when your DP is present? You can come up with different ways to potentially figure out a solution (however silly?) and then decide together.
look up Ross Greene if you are interested in this approach and good luck

Don't leave, chuck him out of YOUR house.

Or maybe he doesn’t come round at all, until his behaviour improves?

You know what you have to do. Sorry op.

You may find that he backtracks when he realises you, his free childcare for his horrible child, are done with them both.

He may grundgingly to pay for a new tv at that point.

Be ready to say no thanks Im done here dont let the door
hit you (ie him and son) on the arse on your way out….

If for any reason you make up. Sigh. Double down on contraception. Youve enough worries without an unplanned pregnancy to that prince amongst men.

sorry youre going through that.

you need to put your children first, they are growing up in a violent household and with a dad who excuses his sons behaviour as ‘just what lads are like’ ermmm…no. You and your children deserve better than this and you don’t want them growing up thinking that’s acceptable behaviour.

kick him out and apply for universal credit, you are in a less worse position than you think, you will work it out, he needs you not the other way round.

in terms of a new tv, when you are able to spare some money have a look on Facebook marketplace :)

Lock them both out this is not acceptable

OP you don't need anywhere to go, it is your house. He goes not you. AS for being behind with the electricity, it's obvious having him around isn't paying the bills. I would imagine you will be much better off on UC.
As for him saying you won't cope, what he means is he needs somewhere to take his 14 year old at the weekends and your house suits his needs. You can and will cope, do the tight thing for you and your children.

The taxpayer yet again subsidising the poor choices of women who can’t choose an appropriate mate and father for their children and bring children into these unstable relationships with no thought for the consequences.

OP:
Great news: the house is in your name, and you are not married, so he can’t claim ‘marital home’.

Stay where you are and kick him out.

Find out what you would be entitled to for support. You’d be able to reduce Council Tax to single person discount.

*I’ve told DP before he needs to actually parent him but he just shrugs and says I “don’t get lads”+

This is not a man you want parenting your kids.

Work out what you’ll be entitled to with him gone and work to get your outgoing within that. Then throw him out. And claim through CMS, treating anything you do get as a bonus, not something to rely on.

Until then, if at all possible, don’t let the 14 year old in the house unless his dad is there. And start looking at shoring up your work skills so that when the baby is old enough you can start building a career.

It’s going to be a tough decade or so making it on your own. But keeping that man around will just mean chaos and violence in yours and your children’s lives for much longer. Because even as his 14 year old gets older and stops coming round, your ‘D’P is going to be parenting you own children just as badly and they will have years of this example and exposure to aggression and disrespect of you.

Double this.
This is on you op if your kids grow up screwed up because you have got this loser and his aggressive kid in their lives.
Think on that.

You’ve been “on and off” for all 6 years of your 6 year relationship yet have an almost 6 year old? And a second child?

do you work?

@AutumnSquashSoup this, all day long. You don’t need him. And believe me, when he no longer makes you and the children walk on eggshells, the relief you’ll feel will be like floating on clouds.

I haven't read all the posts, only p1, so apologies if this has been said, but...

There's a real risk that sooner or later it won't be the son, it will be his dad, and it won't the TV it will be your face.

Get your self an iPad Air 13inch and watch that, if the idiots want a TV they can buy one, and make plans to have a peaceful stress free life, or put up with this for the rest of it.

Manipulators flip the script making themselves the victim when actually you are the victim. Your property has been vandalised. You have been insulted and probably verbally abused by your partner. You need to protect yourself and your younger children from the partner and his abusive son. You are worth more than this.

I have two stepsons. They're older now (one's 31, one 25) and of course there were issues as they were growing up, but NEVER anything like this.
Their dad would have come down on them like a ton of bricks.
The youngest used to try it on a bit with me occasionally when he was a young teenager - 'my dad says l can go on my own to see these mates' when his dad was at work (and uncontactable) and l had no idea who these kids or their parents were, where they lived, or where he was meeting them. I said no. Very firmly.
Fortunately the only result was a bit of sulking and his dad had words when he came home.
Their dad did parent them, and he didn't behave like they never did anything wrong.
Strops and arguments l can understand, but not behaving like that, and breaking expensive stuff in the house.
I'd be walking, l'm afraid. Or telling him to. And take his son with him.

Male adult can't regulate his emotions, storms off, male adolescent can't regulate his emotions, breaks telly.
Modelling behaviour? Couldn't be arsed with that shit, get rid of both of them, easier calmer life.

When people say leave, they mean leave the relationship.

it’s your house so you can kick him out, change locks, call police for trespass etc.

with regards to money, if he’s employed and you go through CMS, it comes straight out of his pay packet, not through him at all.

The house is in your name, he needs to leave…. If he’s ‘done’ and keeps telling you you’ll never manage without him, this isn’t someone you need in your life. Are the other children girls? I wonder what he meant by ‘you don’t know how to talk to teenagers, and leave the lad alone’ as if being a boy means he gets a free pass on behaving violently.

it’s council house in my name I been here since before I met him so about 7 years now

I didn't actually realise single people without children were able to get council houses, I assumed they would really struggle and they were hard enough to get allocated for families.

If it's your house in your sole name, I would ask him to leave, he sounds really horrible. Put yourself and your own kids first. Where was he living before he met you m?