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Original poster

DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

384 replies

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 08:59

DD is 6 and going through the autism assessment.

me and her dad were never together but we have co parented well since she was born. When DD was 2, he married his now wife. I have no problem with her, but she looks down her nose at me.

DD is with her dad half the week, and half with me. Her dad usually works nights so his wife will get involved with getting my DD to bed etc, and she has picked her up from school. I think that’s an overstep in itself but nothing I can do.

his wife is now pregnant.

DD has parent interview coming up for her assessment. He requested 2 separate appointments, which they’ve allowed.

He told me that his wife will also be going to the appointment with him. I’m angry about this. It isn’t her child?

Dd dad argued with me and said his wife spends a lot of time caregiving to our DD so she should be there. Why would she even want to go ? Can I stop her?

OP posts:
MrsKateColumbo · 07/10/2025 09:02

It sounds like the wife does (the majority?) Of childcare at dad's? In which case she will be very well placed to give info on dd's needs at home and will need to receive the info on what might work going forward. Half of the assessment is talking to the parents so seems like it will be valuable to have her input.

Lavatime · 07/10/2025 09:03

I sympathise because I wouldn't like it either but I don't think there's anything you can do about it and trying will just cause arguments and stress.
If she spends a lot of time with dd then she will likely have useful input. They are married so it's not like she is a random girlfriend that hasn't been around long

LemonLass · 07/10/2025 09:03

You can object unless she has parental responsibility eg court order (maybe married status but check)

I would question yourself why you wouldnt want someone who is 50/50 living with your child involved in their care. I can understand from an ego point of view or if exDP was controlling. What is the worst that can happen?

On the flip side, 3 adults at one appointment is highly unusual. Are there enough seats is a practicality that comes to mind? It is not a circus and your child may feel uncomfortable if potential conflict (and divided loyalties)

TheatricalLife · 07/10/2025 09:04

I wouldn't have an issue with her being there. She is already doing a lot of childcare for your child, I'd rather her have the full picture.

NarnianQueen · 07/10/2025 09:04

You say your dd is “with her dad” half the week but it sounds like his wife is doing the vast majority of the parenting? If anything it sounds like you and she should be going to the assessment together, not him!

ChewyMints · 07/10/2025 09:05

You're being totally unreasonable and not putting your daughter first. It's all about you and how you feel

Shift your focus into getting the best support for DD. It's likely New Wife (NW) will have useful insights, will have seen issues which should be noted etc and you should be cooperating with her. Sharing info at handover, explaining what's going on day to day because that's best for DD.

WildLeader · 07/10/2025 09:05

Why are you trying to create friction?

she didn’t steal your man, he was never your man.

he is however a bloke who is engaged and involved in the wellbeing of dd, and his wife does a lot of support to ensure your dd has all her needs met.

you’ve got a good co-parenting set up, it works, so don’t be a dick. Maybe your attitude here is what she’s off with you about.

2 heads are better than one, she may suggest questions or answers that your dd dad won’t think of. All of this could help dd.

this woman is not an enemy, be thankful she’s engaged and prepared to pitch in to help her husband and your dd.

Clickandcollects · 07/10/2025 09:05

I’d go with it as it would be useful to have her input. Especially as she might be slightly more objective

Southshore18 · 07/10/2025 09:07

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 08:59

DD is 6 and going through the autism assessment.

me and her dad were never together but we have co parented well since she was born. When DD was 2, he married his now wife. I have no problem with her, but she looks down her nose at me.

DD is with her dad half the week, and half with me. Her dad usually works nights so his wife will get involved with getting my DD to bed etc, and she has picked her up from school. I think that’s an overstep in itself but nothing I can do.

his wife is now pregnant.

DD has parent interview coming up for her assessment. He requested 2 separate appointments, which they’ve allowed.

He told me that his wife will also be going to the appointment with him. I’m angry about this. It isn’t her child?

Dd dad argued with me and said his wife spends a lot of time caregiving to our DD so she should be there. Why would she even want to go ? Can I stop her?

she sounds like a devoted step mum who spends a lot of time with DD. I have been through ASD assessments with both of my children and I do think, given her involvement, it does make sense that she is present. she appears to be spending more time work your DD than her dad. I really don't understand the anger.

Poppingby · 07/10/2025 09:07

This would all depend, for me, on how dd gets on with her. If she likes her and sees her as an important adult I think it's great for her to have 3 of those. I realise it's never that simple when emotions are involved. It's unlikely that she's going to cause a problem at an autism assessment isn't it? Or are you worried that she will sabotage it for some reason?

CrazyGoatLady · 07/10/2025 09:07

This is about your daughter, and makimg sure the right information is available for the assessment. If his wife is spending a lot of time looking after her when she is there, her insight may help with that.

I used to work in CAMHS as an ed psych and I did assessments. I'd have told any parent that had a gripe like this to put it aside and put the child's interests first, as the assessment is about them, not the parents.

ImAPreMadonna · 07/10/2025 09:07

Think of it as your daughter being lucky she has 3 people who want to be very involved in her care. Her step-mum sounds like a good egg.

ReceiveIt · 07/10/2025 09:09

Separate your emotions from the practicalities. This woman does a huge amount of caring for your dd so its essential she has all the info to do the best job possible. I get it, I would hate it too, but you have to suck this one up as its in the best interests of your child.

Original poster
Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 09:09

It’s separate appointments, so I will go with my mum. And DD dad will go with his partner.

just seems weird that she’d want to go, I feel like she’s doing it on purpose

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 07/10/2025 09:10

Do they have an issue with the assessment taking place? My ex was very against any assessment to the point where ds teacher told senco no education psychologist was needed ds was fine according to dad i was "over reacting" (in the September when the previous year report said the opposite) by the end of the school year she had managed to teach him one single letter out of 26 senco was replaced and the incoming senco couldn't believe they had fucked up so badly

Anyway he is in a special school now

ImAPreMadonna · 07/10/2025 09:10

Doing what on purpose? Being involved in her step-daughters care?

Catch yourself on OP

Southshore18 · 07/10/2025 09:10

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 09:09

It’s separate appointments, so I will go with my mum. And DD dad will go with his partner.

just seems weird that she’d want to go, I feel like she’s doing it on purpose

of course she is going on purpose (and for a good reason). Is your mum going 'n purpose' too?

You sound about 12 and not like a grown up woman who is a mother. Seriously, give your head a wobble.

Groundhogday2025 · 07/10/2025 09:10

Yeah, got to agree with others. She sounds like the one you are coparenting with, not your ex. As this affects DD who is being parented half the time by her step mum I absolutely think she should be there and that’s in DD’s best interest.
The only thing against her you’ve said is that you feel she looks down at you. That sounds like your problem, not DD’s. If her step mum cares for her and treats her well (and wanting to be present at the assessment shows she’s paying more than just lip service to caring for your daughter) then you need to put your insecurities aside focus on what is best for you daughter.

Eenameenadeeka · 07/10/2025 09:11

It sounds like it's reasonable for her to attend, thinking about what's best for your child, a positive relationship with her step mother is in her best interests and it sounds like that's what she has.

Octavia64 · 07/10/2025 09:12

She will be very useful at the assessment as they want information from people who spend time with your child and clearly she spends a lot of time with your child.

this can only benefit your child.

TheatricalLife · 07/10/2025 09:12

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 09:09

It’s separate appointments, so I will go with my mum. And DD dad will go with his partner.

just seems weird that she’d want to go, I feel like she’s doing it on purpose

Well, she is doing it on purpose. She is going to support her husband and learn about his child who she looks after a lot. You won't be at the same appointment, so how will she be able to piss you off? You won't even be there.
Pick your battles. This isn't one.

TreeDudette · 07/10/2025 09:12

You are being a bit nuts over this. They need to collect the best picture of your DDs needs and behaviour possible. If her step-mum spends time caring for her then she should provide information also. My sister attended my DDs autism assessment with me as she also looks after DD when I am working.

You should give your head a wobble and be delighted your DD has 3 loving engaged adults to support her.

Hoppinggreen · 07/10/2025 09:12

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 09:09

It’s separate appointments, so I will go with my mum. And DD dad will go with his partner.

just seems weird that she’d want to go, I feel like she’s doing it on purpose

Is your Mum "doing it on purpose" too?

Lavatime · 07/10/2025 09:13

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 09:09

It’s separate appointments, so I will go with my mum. And DD dad will go with his partner.

just seems weird that she’d want to go, I feel like she’s doing it on purpose

What do you mean by on purpose? To annoy you? Maybe but then the best thing to do would be to ignore her and then she won't get the reaction.
you can't control what happens at dads house or who he chooses to bring to appointments (I am really not judging because this is something I struggled with too but nothing good comes from it)
if dad said he didn't want your mum to go, would you agree?

Danioyellow · 07/10/2025 09:15

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 09:09

It’s separate appointments, so I will go with my mum. And DD dad will go with his partner.

just seems weird that she’d want to go, I feel like she’s doing it on purpose

She’s not doing accidentally is she? She’s doing it to help the child she’s helping to raise, who spends half the week with her and who she no doubt takes care of more than the child’s father. I think your oh is courteous to ask for separate appointments, I wouldn’t see the problem in them attending yours? You have a very toxic way of viewing things

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