DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

[Desperatelyed]

DD is 6 and going through the autism assessment.

me and her dad were never together but we have co parented well since she was born. When DD was 2, he married his now wife. I have no problem with her, but she looks down her nose at me.

DD is with her dad half the week, and half with me. Her dad usually works nights so his wife will get involved with getting my DD to bed etc, and she has picked her up from school. I think that’s an overstep in itself but nothing I can do.

his wife is now pregnant.

DD has parent interview coming up for her assessment. He requested 2 separate appointments, which they’ve allowed.

He told me that his wife will also be going to the appointment with him. I’m angry about this. It isn’t her child?

Dd dad argued with me and said his wife spends a lot of time caregiving to our DD so she should be there. Why would she even want to go ? Can I stop her?

OP’s relationship with this woman isn’t really relevant though. Just like her DD’s father’s relationship with OP’s mother isn’t relevant. If he said “she’s a stranger to me, I don’t want her to be there” I’d think that was just as silly.

Your DD lives with this person half of the time. Would you rather she didn’t care about your DD?

This.

This is ridiculous. You're trying to make me defend a position that I don't hold, and that I haven't claimed to hold at any point.

OP is upset because she feels the woman is a stranger to her. I understand that. I can empathise with it. It's relevent to the way that OP is feeling, and is the reason she's started this thread.

Despite that, my advice - as with almost everyone else on the thread - is that she focus on her child and let go of her feelings about the SM.

I'm not getting bogged down in this silly derailing anymore by people who are trying to pick fights over nothing.

I did. The OPs feelings aren't at the top of the list of priorities, which was my point. It's a discussion forum and I didn't agree with your comment so replied to it. Thank you for giving me permission, though.

Not strange at all that the dad requested separate meetings. He must know that OP despises his wife and he wants to focus on his daughter and not the OPs feelings about his wife and her involvment in DDs life.

This isn't your ex's DP it's his wife, yours and his DD's step mother and she does the child care for both of you when neither you or her husband are present, so yes of course she should attend that way she can hear first hand information about your DD and any needs she may have.

What a lovely stepmum. I can understand her going to the appointment more than your mum given she cares for your daughter half the week.

You need to give your head a wobble!

I think you should be happy with it . She is interest on your child and needs and wants to learn how to deal with her and how autism affects and how she can help .
It seems to me you have an issue with her and not the other way around .

Op id really try and build a cordial relationship with ex and his wife.

You may not like her for whatever reasons but can you appreciate the love and care she shows your daughter?

Its not overstepping, its caring. Yes in an ideal world her dad would do all the parenting but his job doesnt allow that and his wife is stepping up. Try and appreciate her efforts for the sake of your dd

Yes she is doing it on purpose so she can be fully involved with your child's care.

The question is why wouldn't you want her to go? It is in your child's best interest that her step-mother attends the appointment and by trying to stop her it is clear you don't have your child's best interests at heart, rather you are being unreasonably possessive.

Sounds like the step-mother spends more time with your child than your mother does, so why are you taking your mother with you in that case?

How many nights a week does DD’s dad work? Can he not work the nights that she is at OP’s or most of his nights then, so he is not leaving all his DD’s care to his wife. As it’s his wife who appears to be doing most of her care then I can see why she needs to be at the appointment. It’s a pity though, if OP and the dad have a good co-parenting relationship that they couldn’t have just both attended one appointment together.

I think you're being very petty and sound perhaps jealous?

How is it it overstepping that your DD's step mum not Dads partner as your title says, is helping your dd get ready for bedc etc? Sounds like she's just looking after her. Why would you be angry? This is a YOU problem.

But by that measurement the OP's mother is a relative stranger to the father of the OP's child. He's not really even an ex of the OP as she says herself that they were never together so he'd not have had a relationship with the OP's mum. I guess he can complain about the OP's mum muscling in by the same token then? See how that looks. It's best if all adults just work together to help the child who is the important one in this scenario rather than get stressed and suspicious. The OP needs to put her feelings to one side and focus on getting the best support for her daughter.

OP, you are annoyed because you feel she’s overstepping, but ask yourself: what is in the best interests of your DC? If your ex’s wife is having a lot to do with your DC, then it’s in their interests that she should be there, to hear what is said and be able to act on any advice when your DC is with her. Rather than feeling aggrieved, you should be pleased that she is so keen to be involved - she’s looking after your DC, so it’s in DC’s interests that she should be as informed as possible.

It's in your DD's best interests that all adults involved in her care, which includes your ex's wife, have input into the assessment.

(As an aside, it is often observed that at least one of the parents also presents with the same condition being assessed for. Is that likely to be you, or your ex?)

She is interest on your child and needs and wants to learn how to deal with her and how autism affects and how she can help That's not the purpose of assessments though @freakingscared

Less weird than you taking your Mum.

I 100% agree with all the posters who see the benefit to a child of having three devoted adult caregivers. Especially if SEN is involved, but I think the OP isn’t just being a dick here. The father clearly has his act together is meeting his obligations to his daughter and his family is growing thanks to a very caring supportive wife.

Is it possible the perception of his wife looking down on you projection at all OP? Doing your side of if it if your are on your own is quite taxing and a lot. Maybe you also have a fear of maybe one day your little one being happier and settled with her father?

Just know as her biological mother you’ll be irreplaceable to your daughter, but it does sound you have quite a lot swirling around in your head. Do you have support to unpack and process?

So your Mum can go to support you but DD's Dad's WIFE can't go to support him?!

Grow up.

My amazing step dad has been an absolute rock for me since I was about nine years old. He's been there through health issues, job issues, mental breakdowns and all the joyous bits in between. He's a brilliant grandad to all his gkds and although he and my mother divorced ten years ago, he's every bit as involved now as he ever was.

I'm wondering if he did it on purpose.

But the interview evidently serves a purpose for the child's autism though.. it's not a pointless activity is it.

Oh for heaven's sake, life is hard enough why look for things to make it harder.
Think of your child too. They don't need all this stress on top.of their assessment.
If you didn't want him to have anyone else, you should have stayed together.
Did you think he would stay single forever after you had a child?

Yabu. Your daughter spends half her time with this lady and this lady takes care of her during that time. She's known your daughter for the majority of her life so will have valuable insight to your daughters needs and traits and having her as part of the autism assessment process will only be a help, you might not like how her involvement makes you feel but it benefits your child who the autism assessment is for.

Why is your Mum going?

I don't understand you at all. You were never in a relationship with him. He has a wife that does as much, if not more of his half of parenting your joint child. Why wouldn't you want her input about your DD when she's at their home 50% of the time?

and why in gods name do you have an issue with her picking up from school? He could pay a childminder to do if he wanted to.

why can't you be happy that his wife cares about your DD. It could be a LOT worse!

I know my step son better than both of his actual parents. I do 90% of the parenting and it's me who the school calls. Granted, he lives with me and his dad.

The new wife will more than likely be doing the parenting while at their house. As a previous posted said, it would probably be more beneficial to the child of it were her and you there, instead of the dad.

I think you have an issue you don't need to have.