DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

[Desperatelyed]

DD is 6 and going through the autism assessment.

me and her dad were never together but we have co parented well since she was born. When DD was 2, he married his now wife. I have no problem with her, but she looks down her nose at me.

DD is with her dad half the week, and half with me. Her dad usually works nights so his wife will get involved with getting my DD to bed etc, and she has picked her up from school. I think that’s an overstep in itself but nothing I can do.

his wife is now pregnant.

DD has parent interview coming up for her assessment. He requested 2 separate appointments, which they’ve allowed.

He told me that his wife will also be going to the appointment with him. I’m angry about this. It isn’t her child?

Dd dad argued with me and said his wife spends a lot of time caregiving to our DD so she should be there. Why would she even want to go ? Can I stop her?

It’s appropriate in this case for her to go. It’s also incredibly hypocritical of you to be okay with your mother attending but not someone who cares for your child for you.

They were never together (as a couple) this jealousy makes no sense.

The fact is, his wife picks up a lot of the care giving, it's not overstepping. She is actively involved in your daughter's life.

She also knows your ex better than you do - if my DH has any chats with the school and I ask what happened he will say 'It's all good. Nothing to worry about' That could be one the reason she wants to go.

As hard as it is, stop looking for fights where there is none. Hold your head up high, proceed with dignity.

Yeah, on purpose to help with DD's care...

She IS doing it on purpose. Because she's a loving mother to her step daughter. Is that so hard for you to deal with?

Last night, I watched the Panorama special on parents with autistic children and how exhausting their fight to get appropriate education/support for their children is.

OP, you'd be daft not to allow your child's step-mum - who is already doing a fair bit of parenting - to be part of this fight.

This is weird. I'd have thought you'd be thankful?

YABU and not putting your DD first

My DSD mum didn't want me at stuff like this, she was rotten to me - but her children (DSD and DSS) both lived with me and their dad, she wanted to know why I was getting involved.
It was because I spent a lot of time with them, I cared for them and I needed to know as much information as DP and any advice they offered

She is part of your childs life, she wants to help, let her

I know this isn’t relevant to the thread, but reading this actually brought a lump to my throat. How many times do we read on here about biological fathers fucking off and not seeing their kids or doing the bare minimum? And yet your step-dad who is now divorced from your mum has stayed in your life to continue supporting you and your children. THIS is the type of man a lot of men we read about should aspire to be like. He sounds like a wonderful human being, you and your children are very lucky to have him - and I’m sure he feels the same about you and recognises what a privilege it is to be a parent.

Given that your DD spends a lot of time at her biological dads home and the ‘step’ mum is deeply involved in her care whilst she’s there it is wise to allow her to go to the assessment……surely you want what’s best for your DD moving forward don’t you? To deny the SM to the assessment is rather silly IMO

Of course she is going on purpose you don’t end up in an appointment like that by accident.

your daughter spends 50% of her time with her dad and his wife, to me it would be a concern if the wife didn’t care. She has more need to be there than your mum does.

By the sounds of it, your daughter's step-Mum is the one doing the majority of the parenting, when your daughter stays with her Dad. Surely, it makes sense for her to be attending the appointment with your daughter's Dad? She will hear the information first hand, rather than via her husband, and it will help her care for your daughter. You have a good co-parenting relationship with your daughter's Dad, why cause an issue over this?? You say his wife 'looks down her nose at you'. In what way? I wonder if this is perhaps a preconceived notion that you have in your head, rather than actual fact. Has she said or done something unkind to you? Many step-parents (men or women) aren't always interested in their step-children, and aren't 'hands-on' at all. Your daughter has a step-Mum who cares for her and takes an active interest as well. Be thankful she is like this! Instead of viewing her as the enemy, work together, as you have the same goal...wanting what's best for your daughter.

What do you mean on purpose?
It’s a good thing. Those assessments are draining. They go right back to pregnancy and birth though so she won’t be able to answer those, but having another brain to remember since will be great! The 3 of you together would be better tbh if yous can manage it.
Are yous on the same page in regards to it? I could understand if you felt dd was autistic and they are refusing to accept it that it may be difficult.
I went on my own and came out drained.

I agree is frustrating, there should be 1 appointment with you and Dad there. Rather than 2 appts each with 2 adults. As a paediatric specialist we have a couple of these '2 appts because the parents can't manage to be in same appt" scenarios. Apart from being an extra drain on resources, we often find that each parent gives very different (often conflicting) information which makes our job much harder - which information do we base our evaluation on. The appts where we have both co-parents able to attend amicably together is much better for the child, than the 2 seperate appts. Although that is in turn better than a screaming match between parents mid appt, which we have also had!

You are bringing your mum with you as a support and he is bringing his wife, so I can't really see the issue from your perspective.

I think the jealousy is more that there's another mother figure, rather than jealousy over the ex(?)

It sounds like this lady is putting considerable time and effort every week into your child's safety and wellbeing.
Still, no good deed goes unpunished I guess.

It seems strange that he's requested a separate appointment, if you co parent well and there's no history of abuse why can't you go together?

OP I appreciate you might not want to come back to this thread as you’ve overwhelmingly been told you’re unreasonable. Gently, I do agree with the previous posters and think it might be worth taking a step back and looking at the benefits of her step-mum going. It might even be worth you trying to get to know the step-mum - if you two can be cordial or even friends it would be a massive benefit to your child.

But I do understand why you are feeling this way. Do you feel she’s replacing you as her mother? She’s doing the things with your daughter and her husband that you perhaps wish you could have given her? They seem to have the traditional family set up going, whereas I am presuming it’s just you and your daughter at your house as you don’t mention a partner and are taking your mum to the appointment. This doesn’t mean you are less in anyway - you are her mum, to your daughter you are the most important person in the world! But she’s lucky that she has a step mum that cares for her as well. Try to view it that way - you aren’t in competition, it’s just extra love for your little girl.

Good luck with the assessment.

This is why step parents can’t win. Pathetic.

So 4yrs ago your daughter's father married & yet you call her his partner in the title.

Why?

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want your dds stepmum to be there, she’s her dad’s wife and her stepmother. By the sounds of it it’s her that does the looking after. I know you don’t like it but the dad wants his partner there and he has rights too,

I used to be a teacher, OP. It was common for a stepmother to attend a parents; evening with a child's father. (Usually there were two sets of appointments.)

Your DD's wife's attendance really isn't unusual.

Why do you find it weird that your daughter's step-mother - who appears to be actively involved in caring for your child half the week - might attend?
With that logic, I'd suggest it's weirder that you're taking your Mummy with you.
But, it's not weird, though, is it, as presumably all adults attending are the most significant people/caregivers in this little girl's life?
You sound jealous, which is understandable, but not helpful: in this scenario, it's your daughter who is important. Your nose being out of joint won't help matters.

OP as gently as possible, she's not going to rub your nose in it, she's going because she's one of your child's main caretakers. You're taking your Mum who I'm assuming is also involved in helping with your child.

The more hands on deck the better, she'll never be her Mum, thats 100% you, but she is going to be a big part of your daughters life forever now she will be a Mum to your daughters half sibling. So its 100% for the best she gets involved with this sort of stuff and can be in a better position to support your daughters needs. Take care OP. Xx

It sounds as if she is stepping up rather than 'overstepping'.

In what way do you think she looks down her nose at you? How has she demonstrated this?

Is this more about this than the welfare of your Dd who spend half the week living with her father's wife??