DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

[Desperatelyed]

DD is 6 and going through the autism assessment.

me and her dad were never together but we have co parented well since she was born. When DD was 2, he married his now wife. I have no problem with her, but she looks down her nose at me.

DD is with her dad half the week, and half with me. Her dad usually works nights so his wife will get involved with getting my DD to bed etc, and she has picked her up from school. I think that’s an overstep in itself but nothing I can do.

his wife is now pregnant.

DD has parent interview coming up for her assessment. He requested 2 separate appointments, which they’ve allowed.

He told me that his wife will also be going to the appointment with him. I’m angry about this. It isn’t her child?

Dd dad argued with me and said his wife spends a lot of time caregiving to our DD so she should be there. Why would she even want to go ? Can I stop her?

Well she doing it on purpose, so she can add her thoughts and opinions since she is also a caregiver to your child.

why do you want to block this?

Are you struggling with your mental health, OP? Because this is not really a normal or healthy way of looking at things.

This is your child's stepmother, who lives with your dd for half the week and has significant involvement in her day to day care. Of course it makes sense for her to be involved in the assessment, and perhaps you should be grateful for the fact that she cares enough to show up.

She is not doing this to get at you, she is doing it because she is an integral part of your dd's family. Perhaps some counselling might help you to process feelings around this, as you have many more years of co-parenting ahead of you.

I know a few separated parents who have been through this, they have to suck it up and go together, it gives the psychologist an insight into the dynamics.
Are you filling out two separate assessment forms, that is strange, instead of agreeing on the areas that need attention between you as parents.

Its not all about you, it is about your child

She might actually care about your DD and want the best possible outcome for her - isn’t this a possibility?

So your mum is ok to go but she isn’t!?? And it’s not even the same appointment. You’re being very silly! She’s not going to undermine you or take your place, she’s going because she loves your daughter as past of her family and to support her husband.

Surely your DD autism is going to have as much an effect on your DD fathers wife homelife as it is on your own. Her understanding and input is going to have a huge bearing on how things improve for your DD.

Or you could cut her out, deal with it between you and DD father and let this woman do most of the homecare without any knowledge of how to help.

Seems rather short sighted tbh

No wonder she doesn't like you. She seems to like her stepdaughter though at least.

Doing what on purpose?! Caring for your child?! Who she takes care of for half the week?!

Jesus step-mums cannot do right from doing wrong!!!

I don’t understand why it feels weird that she would want to go?

she’s with your child half of the week? So she will know how she behaves, how she presents when at their house? Surely this is important evidence whilst going through a diagnosis? You aren’t going to be in the room with them as you are going separately.

How ever much you don’t like it, she is part of your DD’s life (step parent).

YABVU. This is an assessment for your DD. If her father’s wife does a lot of childcare, then it is absolutely right that she attend an appointment to share her insights too. It’s in the best interests of your child, so for god’s sake get over it and put your DD’s interests above your own.

She's going to a different appointment separately. And I'm sure they can muster up a single extra chair even if there were three.

Your daughter isn't your mum's child so by your own logic, she shouldn't be going.

Why is your mum going? She doesn’t do enough as the SM so why is she going?

can you now see how UR you are?

Why wouldn’t she go? This is a child who is a big part of her life, who presumably she cares about.

You can’t control what your ex partner does when he is looking after his child. Your insecurities about her are not on her, they are on you.

She could slate OP too, she could insist that it is bad parenting over SEN.
OP said she looks down on her, there is a lot of things she could say, I'm not saying she will, but it is a possibility.
OP to reassure you, I'm sure the team will be hyper aware of the situation and treat it professionally.
Share your concerns about the situation in the assessment.
They'll be used to the dynamic of separated parents.

Hi OP, your 6 year old going in for an autism assessment must be very stressful for you. Hope you are doing okay and your mum is a good support for you. I think maybe you need to try and separate how you think your ex's partner feels about you the rest of the time and think about whats best for your daughter's assessment - and that would be for the assessors to get a view from the people who spend the most time with her. This will help your daughter. I understand you may feel uncomfortable but you are her mum, noone will ever replace you in her life if you put her first, and getting along with her stepmum is part of that. You would never want to be the person who made your daughter feel awkward about spending time with or talking about the people who love her. Think long term. This is just another thing you have to do for your child, put your feelings to one side and focus on her. I know thats tough, as you must have a lot going on, but have a moan to your mum or a mate and then try to put it to one side.

Step back and look what is in best interests of child. She’s married to her dad and your dd is with them 50% of time. She’s involved in her care.

Taking an interest in her step daughter she's known since babyhood on purpose? I would hope so. On that position I'd be glad all the child's care givers wanted to know how to best care for them.

I wonder if some of the people leaving unkind and insulting comments have actually got autistic children and have navigated this process themselves.

I have. For many it's a gut wrenching journey that takes years to get to the point of having an assessment. And having a diagnosis isn't a key to more support, sadly, so there's always something else you need to fight for next. It's hard not to feel completely overprotective of your child in these circumstances and I wouldn't have liked a relative stranger involved in what feels like a deeply personal experience for my child either. It would have gone totally against my instincts. Sometimes when we're in the midst of a challenging chapter of life, we don't have the capacity to remove all emotion and make purely practical decisions. We are human and very few of us are wired that way. Even those arrogantly telling OP to "give her head a wobble".

OP, I doubt there is anything you can do since they are married and your DC is with her half the time. Especially if you are intending to involve your mother, who also isn't a parent. Do you have any reason to believe that she won't advocate for your child or that she will negatively influence the assessment? If not, my strong advice would be to try and let it go. You have bigger fish to fry and when you're stressed it's easy to allow your mind to fixate on something peripheral and aim all your negative emotions at that. But I honestly don't think it will serve you or your child. Try and focus on the assessment and make sure you have your notes ready in case your mind goes blank on the day.

I'm also a single mum and just about to have an asd assessment for myself, so my perspective might be useful. You are your dds mum and it's absolutely okay to feel protective of your DD but this assessment is purely about your dds wellbeing and health. Her step mum likely has almost as much knowledge about your DD, as you do. To get your DD the right support, it's so important that all of her main caregivers outside of education are at her assessment.

But she's been in her life since she was a baby she's not a stranger

She is a relative stranger to the OP.

The OP said it's 2 separate appointments

I would think she is doing it on purpose? Because she wants to know how to support your daughter?

Appreciate it's a tricky situation for you, but your daughter has to come first here and the more people who know how to support her the better.