DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

[Desperatelyed]

DD is 6 and going through the autism assessment.

me and her dad were never together but we have co parented well since she was born. When DD was 2, he married his now wife. I have no problem with her, but she looks down her nose at me.

DD is with her dad half the week, and half with me. Her dad usually works nights so his wife will get involved with getting my DD to bed etc, and she has picked her up from school. I think that’s an overstep in itself but nothing I can do.

his wife is now pregnant.

DD has parent interview coming up for her assessment. He requested 2 separate appointments, which they’ve allowed.

He told me that his wife will also be going to the appointment with him. I’m angry about this. It isn’t her child?

Dd dad argued with me and said his wife spends a lot of time caregiving to our DD so she should be there. Why would she even want to go ? Can I stop her?

@TalulaHalulah so you would never use grandparents, nursery, holiday club for your child?

@Allthatshines1992 I'm adopted so where do my adoptive parents fit in your world?

What’s in the best interests of your child is what you need to ask yourself.

I would commend them as wonderful people. I love people who adopt.

It's okay to disagree. You can (and should) live your own life as you want to even if it is different to how I would choose to live. It is your life after all.

If I worked nights (which is the example in the OP) and the other parent was available and willing to care for them (which I presume in the absence of other information), no, I would not use grandparents, nursery; holiday club for my child.
My child’s other parent would be asked first.

It seems quite bizarre to insist on having a child 50:50 when you are not able to look after them yourself.

Your question about grandparents, after school etc is disingenuous given the context, but taking it at face value, if I or my child’s father was available, then no, I would not use one of the childcare options you list, to be clear. I certainly would not expect a partner to do this week in week out.

Correct.

Nevertheless, you appear to have given misinformation - unless I'm misunderstanding and you're African?

I think because she’s so involved in your child’s life, her experiences with your child could be very important when they are gathering evidence. Her dad could explain it on her behalf but she will still be a hugely relevant person in it all whether she’s there at the meeting or not. And also her not being there might mean your ex forgets to mention things which would be a shame when you’re trying to build a true picture of your child’s life / struggles / behaviours etc..

It seems that some of us have made the grave mistake of thinking that Africa is a large and diverse continent with women and men with a wide range of beliefs and goals in life when actually, @Allthatshines1992 has met every woman in Africa and knows they all think the same and prize child-rearing above all other occupations.

It's OK, you can come and join me in the toad pond while you think about what you've done.

Tell me you know nothing of anthropology without telling me you know nothing of anthropology...

Well, I thought I did, but I wasn't aware that every woman in Africa had identical minds and though patterns, so I have learned something new today. Does that only apply to black women in Africa, or do the white women in Africa also fit into this single demographic bracket?

Although I do question whether anthropology is a suitable occupation for a wife and mother. Surely reading and other study of complicated things should be left to men, with their bigger brains, to avoid overloading our delicate constitutions. I hear knitting and gardening are popular occupations in Gilead with tradwives.

What a stupid comment.

I have a Master's degree, what is this nonsense you're spewing?

You see that's what I thought when you said it, but you seemed very confident. I suppose stupidity often is loud, confident and wrong.

That's not even what I said but sure, you can think that if you want.

Well I'm really quite shocked, wasting time at University when all you needed was your MRS so you could focus on your true purpose as a broodmare. How very careless of you. Your husband must be very liberal to have allowed it.

Hahahaha

You have a masters degree and believe that

A) that the best thing to do in the event of marital breakdown is flee the country

and

B) a woman belongs at home because her true purpose in life is motherhood and men cannot hold comparable responsibility for their own children

Jesus is weeping. What a waste of an education.

No knowledge is wasted.

She’s his wife, not his ‘partner’ as you mention in your title.

You are actually doing a very good job yourself communicating to Mumsnet that you are not the most thoughtful of mothers. You had a child with a man who doesn't seem to be very good at being physically there for his daughter; his wife, by contrast, is kindly looking after her and showing concern for her future care. You are obsessed with the idea that she's somehow putting you down; you don't spare a thought for your daughter's well being. You've not responded intelligently to the many many posters here who are pointing out that it is in your daughter's best interest for her stepmother, as well as her biological mother, to be well informed about her needs and well educated in how best to help her.

I dunno, your comments on this post scream narcism 🤷‍♀️

I suspect when your DD is ready to cut the apron strings.... your going to flip your shit

Your attitude is nasty.

She's not YOUR mum's 'kid' either.

if I was your 'kid' I'd rather someone had her step mothers attitude than your 'not my kid' fiancée.

they've both been in her life since she was wee, stop being so brittle.

you chose to have a baby with a man you weren't with, after having one you were no longer with, obviously other people are going to involved in their upbringing.