DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

[Desperatelyed]

DD is 6 and going through the autism assessment.

me and her dad were never together but we have co parented well since she was born. When DD was 2, he married his now wife. I have no problem with her, but she looks down her nose at me.

DD is with her dad half the week, and half with me. Her dad usually works nights so his wife will get involved with getting my DD to bed etc, and she has picked her up from school. I think that’s an overstep in itself but nothing I can do.

his wife is now pregnant.

DD has parent interview coming up for her assessment. He requested 2 separate appointments, which they’ve allowed.

He told me that his wife will also be going to the appointment with him. I’m angry about this. It isn’t her child?

Dd dad argued with me and said his wife spends a lot of time caregiving to our DD so she should be there. Why would she even want to go ? Can I stop her?

No. It isn't weird, if she's doing a lot of the parenting. I'd be more annoyed that your ex is leaving that to her than with her for doing it, actually.

If your argument for her not going is that nobody who isn't a parent should go, your mum shouldn't either.

You are being petty. Stop it. Your child getting the best assessment possible is what matters here, making sure the professionals have all the information they need to come to the right conclusion. That means all adults regularly involved in the care of a child have potentially got useful information to give, and they won't care if one of those adults doesn't like the other. Grow up and put your child first, that's what we have to do as parents.

On purpose? What do you mean?

Of course she is doing it on purpose but I doubt the purpose is to annoy you. The purpose will mostly likely be to support her DP and offer her insight to help her step child recieve the correct diagnosis.

Sounds like she provides a lot of care for your child, arguably more than her dad does in their home, so it makes total sense to have her there.

I’ve been through this assessment recently. There are so many questions about the child’s behaviour. He works nights, so how would he answer questions about bedtime and how she sleeps? You also can’t answer how your daughter behaves at these times when she’s at her dad’s house. So, while I get why you feel protective, yes I do think it is appropriate for her to attend.

It sounds like she parents just as much as you do.

Doing it on purpose? To annoy you? Think again. Who actually wants to go to an autism assessment when it's not your child? I will tell you: someone who cares for your child. Please take that in.

My DS is autistic. They will need all information about your DD- and who is it that actually takes care of her when she's at her dad's? His wife. Why it's even more important that she goes than him because she is the actual caretaker.

Try to let your emotions aside and focus on your DD. Isn't it lovely that she has got another person who cares for her in her life? Would you prefer if your ex wife didn't care at all for your DD? Personally I would thank her for her implication and for being a stable person in your DD's life. You have to love your child more than you dislike ex/ex new partner.

She parents as much as you do and more than DD’s dad does. Of course her insight is necessary and welcome. Love your daughter more than you resent her step mum.

I could ask why does your mum need to go?

More sensibly, I seriously doubt she is doing it for anything other than genuine reasons. She spends a lot of time with your DD and she is well placed, probably better than DD’s dad to share relevant information at the appointment. Ultimately this is about getting the best for your DD and therefore it’s important the input comes from people who spend a lot of time with her. I imagine her step mum really cares about her and wants the best for her. It’s about DD and not you

Why would you not want her to go? She’s a stepmother and a major part of your daughter’s care - it sounds like she spends as much time with her as you do.

As she has an involved parental role, it’s entirely appropriate that she attends this appointment. I’d be feeling thankful she wants to be involved.

I can understand why you might be a bit put out, but you need to look at this in terms of your daughter’s wellbeing, rather than how it affects you. Another adult who spends time with your child will be contributing to the overall picture of how she navigates the world. This will consolidate the information or perhaps even add a different perspective. Honestly, it’s all good.

DD isn’t your mum’s child either?! Surely it’s better for DD if the psychiatrist has a rich picture of her behaviours and all her caregivers, blood related or not, understand her diagnosis and needs.

It says a lot that you’re stilling calling her his wife when they’ve been together for 5+ years (married for 4) and she’s pregnant with your DD’s sibling. She’s her step-mum and she’s part of her family, whether you like that or not.

Don't you want your daughter to have a stepmother who loves her and is involved or would you rather her have zero interest in your child and your child's needs. I have an excellent co parenting situation with my ex and his girlfriend I actually prefer speaking to her then my ex.

She’s very involved with your child’s care so probably knows her well and likely has useful information to contribute.

I don’t mean to be pedantic here but you say you don’t have a problem with her then immediately say that she looks down on you - so that means really that you do have a problem with how you think she views you. I don’t know whether this perception is correct- you would have to give us examples. Regardless of whether she’s been a bit unpleasant to you or you just imagine that she looks down on you, however, this is your child’s assessment and not connected to the relationship between you two.

Yes, she is doing it ‘on purpose’ in the sense that she is, I assume, choosing to go, but most likely because she sounds like a primary carer for your child and not because she’s somehow trying to ‘get one over’ on you. If she’s not very nice, and knows you feel insecure about her, I suppose it could be both, but there would need to be good evidence for that being the case.

If I had a step child that I was very involved with, I would want to go. Professionals doing the assessment often want the input of multiple close family members to build a good picture. It is in fact most likely that it’s been suggested by one of the professionals involved that she does attend.

If you have an issue with her doing things like school pick ups, speak to your partner and ask him to arrange a childminder or after school club (but I would only do that if I was concerned about the step-mum’s suitability to care for my child, which would be a much bigger problem).

Does your dd live with your mum? If not then she probably sees more of her dads wife then she does your mum, so it’s more logical for her stepmom to go with her dad then you with your mum really. In reality, of course it’s fine for your mum to go and also her stepmum, your all part of her family and see her regularly and can I put to the assessment. I think it’s great she has so many people around her taking an interest and willing to input to her wellbeing and health.

Just stop for a minute, take a deep breath, and think about what is best for DD. Would it make sense for someone who is a joint caregiver for your child 50% of the time to be deliberately excluded from an important meeting like this? Don’t you want her to be fully involved with DD and want the best for her? Won’t you expect her to do her best to implement any recommendations for how to manage DD's behaviour and improve DD's life chances in the future?

I understand why you feel as you do but you need a rethink. Feeling annoyed that new partner picked DD up from school, when DD spends 50% of her life in new partner's home, is ridiculous. When the new baby comes, surely you don’t want DD to feel she is lesser in any way in that household.

Sounds like she’s been in DDs life, and cared for her, for most of her life? If they married when she was 2 then DD surely doesn’t know of a life without this woman?

Shes her step mother not just dads new bit

I’m similar to others, but at least if she’s interested to understand at least she can be appropriately caring for your child when she’s alone with her. I’d do what’s best for my child and I think it’s to let her know a much information as possible

I'm a step child. My step dad cared for me as much maybe even more than my own father did. He was involved in parental decisions due to the amount of care he gave. He was my dad my eyes. This sounds a very similar setup for your daughter. If course she needs to be there, she does half the mothering/ parenting needs.

I can see why it feels uncomfortable but I do think you are being unreasonable. She seems to be a significant part of your child's life, caring for her half the week whilst your ex works. This means she is going to be able to give the true account of what she is like there.

I don't understand the idea of her doing it on purpose either, she doesn't gain anything from attending aside from hopefully your daughter getting the support she needs.

It is about your child and significant adults in her life (like your Mum to) all working together will hopefully get the best outcome.

Have you got concerns that you don't share the same thoughts on DD and her struggles?

It is important that she has an input, you don’t have to like it. Everything will be noted.
I think it would have been better do go as 3, I wouldn't have requested 2 parent interview appointments.
Can you request one parent assessment.

Are they having 2 separate appointments ?. That is extremely strange!

I do empathise about the difficult situation but this woman has an active role in your daughters life. In getting the assessment it's better to have all the relevant information so that the diagnosis is accurate. When my son was getting his assessment they spoke to all adults who my son had contact with regularly. It will be better for your daughter and thats what you need to focus on.

Everyone involved in her care needs to be involved, you are feeling guilty as she looks after your child and you are trying to get one up, grow up, it’s not about you it’s about the best for your child.

Of course she’s doing it on purpose! The purpose being to support your child to the best of her ability.