DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

[Desperatelyed]

DD is 6 and going through the autism assessment.

me and her dad were never together but we have co parented well since she was born. When DD was 2, he married his now wife. I have no problem with her, but she looks down her nose at me.

DD is with her dad half the week, and half with me. Her dad usually works nights so his wife will get involved with getting my DD to bed etc, and she has picked her up from school. I think that’s an overstep in itself but nothing I can do.

his wife is now pregnant.

DD has parent interview coming up for her assessment. He requested 2 separate appointments, which they’ve allowed.

He told me that his wife will also be going to the appointment with him. I’m angry about this. It isn’t her child?

Dd dad argued with me and said his wife spends a lot of time caregiving to our DD so she should be there. Why would she even want to go ? Can I stop her?

Keep in mind that you have done an excellent job co-parenting without hassle, bringing her DGM, your DC is surrounded by love from many adults thanks to your parenting.
Best of luck.
Write down any questions that you might have, important information as it is to lose your confidence in this situation.
Best of luck. 🥰

That's irrelevant. Maybe the OP's mother is a relative stranger to the child's father too? The point is that this person is deeply involved in the child's life on a day to day basis and will have useful insights into the child.

The OP is being so unreasonable, I can't help wondering if this is a very well constructed reverse.

To me it would be weird if she didn’t want to go. She lives with her and cares for her several days a week. You get to take your mum so why shouldn’t he get to take his wife?

It will acutely help the assessment so have step mums input, giving a rounded picture.

Its not like a parent teaching meeting. They need as much info from as many different sources

You need to work out how much of your feelings is jealously

They are doing it on purpose. To provide the best information and get the best outcome for your child. Why is your mum going? This woman is your dad's stepmother. She plays a major part in her upbringing. She knows a lot about your daughter and may be very helpful to the assessor. You are dad's mum, you do not have to fight for that position, but she is dd's stepmother. She has a role.

Calling the woman who’s been in her life for years, and who picks her up from school and puts her to bed half the week a “relative stranger” is ridiculous. She’s not a stranger to the important person in this scenario, the child.

Why on earth is your Mum going?

You do realise you have zero leg to stand on in terms of your ex having another party there, when you take your Mum don't you????!

Just how hypocritical can you get???!

I am talking about her relationship to the OP and trying to empathise with OP's feelings. I haven't said she's a stranger to the child. I'm really not sure what people are finding difficult to understand.

I also, if you actually read my comment, have advised OP to try and let it go.

@Desperatelyed, you and your DD's dad were never together. Your DD is with her dad half the week, but her dad usually works nights.

Of course, his wife is going to be involved with your DD's care.

I think you need to grow up.

You chose to have a baby with someone when you weren’t together. Co-parenting worked well for you all and he seems like a good dad. It’s not surprising he’d meet someone else and they would be involved in your DD’s life by default.

I think it’s nice she wants to go as she seems to care about your DD and whilst you might not like that now, it’s good for children to have loving adults to help and support them in their lives. ASD can be hard to deal with so you might be grateful for her involvement in the future so I would bare that in mind! If she’s good with your DD then you should focus on that

She's been married to your child's father for 4 years so they've been together most of your daughter's life and she lives with then half the time. Your daughter has a step mother and is sounds like she's an involved one. That's positive surely? She wants to be involved in the assessment because she is one of your daughter's main caregivers. She will also be the mother of your daughter's sibling. This isn't a random girlfriend of your ex.

You’re making this about you when it isn’t. It’s about your daughter.

Your ex’s wife is your daughter’s stepmum whether you like it or not and she clearly plays an active role in her life and caring for her.

She wants to be at the meeting so she can have all the information needed to help your daughter as much as possible.

It’s not as if she’ll be sat in the room with you. Stop making this about you and focus on your daughter.

As she cares for your child 50/50, I’d be more worried if she didn’t want to be there!
You're being totally unreasonable and what on earth is the relevance of stating she’s pregnant now? What’s that got to do with the price of fish?

Surely the more support your child has, the better?

It's not about the OP though. And yes, I have an autistic child.

OP's child is lucky enough she has 3 parental figures to look out for her. I don't understand the 'feeling over protective' comment at all. Protecting the child from what exactly?

People need to put their child's needs first and not make issues just because they're jealous. Anyone is allowed to feel whatever way they want, acting on it is a different matter. So OP can feel however she feels..but then yes, she should give her head a wobble and realise her child is not a possession and needs those caring for her to be involved in this process - it's in the child's best interests.

Plus she's not got a leg to stand on considering her Mum doesn't have a parental role, but it's apparently not 'weird' that she's going.

Relative stranger? She’s been in this child’s life about as long as the OP and her mum has. She hasn’t shown herself to be abusive to the child. She’s is involved with her day to day care.

I do have experience with ASD and the one thing I know is, you can’t have too many people in your village. She hasn’t shown any indication that she will be working against the best interests of the child. I’d much rather have someone who cares enough to be involved in the assessment than someone who refuses to be part of any of it.

Well clearly it's not irrelevant to the OP, otherwise she wouldn't be feeling the way she does. I'm not saying it's a healthy or sensible attitude, just that I can empathise with it.

I don't necessarily disagree with the rest of your point and I did also mention that her position is weakened by the fact she's taking her own mother.

I don’t like to pile on, but I think PP have got this right.

She plays a big role (whether you like it or not) in your DD’s life and will continue to do so. I’d argue that she’s a much more legitimate participant in these meetings than your Mum.

Well my comment was about the OP. You can comment on whatever you like 🤷

As for the rest of you reply, you've essentially written the same thing I did.

Voted that you’re being unreasonable because it’s his wife and your daughter’s step mum and she’s stepped up so not just a casual fling. But, I know it probably stings so I am sorry for you, it’s a hard process to begin with and your emotions are probably all over the place. Maybe try and reframe this in your head, she cares enough to go and that’s better than having a step mum that hates your child. You’re her Mum and she will love you no matter what so try not to worry. I hope you get over this and be kind to yourself.

You think step mum — who’s been around since your kid was a toddler — is overstepping by doing the school run?

Bloody hell, OP, you wouldn’t like my daughter’s step dad: he does the school runs, takes her out places, tucks her in at night and they sometimes even hold hands.

Almost like he cares for her or something 😱

It sounds as though step-mum is a huge part of her life and always has been.

You need to put your DD first here, not your jealousy. IMO a child can’t have enough adults loving and caring for them.

I think you are fortunate that her dad has married a woman who clearly cares an awful lot for your DD.

(Plus you’re being quite hypocritical as you’re taking your mum).

Of course she's doing it on purpose. She is her caregiver half the time? I understand it's not a nice thought but they are a family and when DD is with them, she is part of their family and vice versa when she's with you.

i think it's absolutely the right thing for her to do.

Surely you should be pleased OP, after all the SM is doing the 1 thing MN insists all SM's do and that is "treat them the same as you'd treat your own child".