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Original poster

DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

384 replies

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 08:59

DD is 6 and going through the autism assessment.

me and her dad were never together but we have co parented well since she was born. When DD was 2, he married his now wife. I have no problem with her, but she looks down her nose at me.

DD is with her dad half the week, and half with me. Her dad usually works nights so his wife will get involved with getting my DD to bed etc, and she has picked her up from school. I think that’s an overstep in itself but nothing I can do.

his wife is now pregnant.

DD has parent interview coming up for her assessment. He requested 2 separate appointments, which they’ve allowed.

He told me that his wife will also be going to the appointment with him. I’m angry about this. It isn’t her child?

Dd dad argued with me and said his wife spends a lot of time caregiving to our DD so she should be there. Why would she even want to go ? Can I stop her?

OP posts:
pottylolly · 07/10/2025 22:06

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 12:11

Why should she go to assessments, parents evenings, sports days, be there for Christmas etc. and all whilst making out in a shit mum

Just allow it for now. I suspect she won’t have time for your dd when she’s diagnosed and she has her own child. Might even try to renege on 50/50 when she realises how difficult parenting a child with SEN is.

beAsensible1 · 07/10/2025 23:01

InMyShowgirlEra · 07/10/2025 20:49

It seems that some of us have made the grave mistake of thinking that Africa is a large and diverse continent with women and men with a wide range of beliefs and goals in life when actually, @Allthatshines1992 has met every woman in Africa and knows they all think the same and prize child-rearing above all other occupations.

It's OK, you can come and join me in the toad pond while you think about what you've done.

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quite. Dont you know all ‘proper’ African women think about trees as fuel for their hearths and light for their huts. Baby on the boob and grinding yam for dinner.

never mind that Botswana has an all woman executive branch. Those aren’t the ‘proper’ ones.

CrazyGoatLady · 07/10/2025 23:13

Allthatshines1992 · 07/10/2025 16:47

I'm saying not everywhere is the same. The care and upbringing of children are still often seen as a primary responsibility of the wife in other places, unlike in Britain.

For instance a 'proper woman' in African tradition has always been imagined within the context of the family; she is expected to accept marriage and have children because marriage is assumed to be the end goal. For instance in this context a 'proper' African woman is not concerned about trees and the environment; rather she is supposed to be concerned about her family and children. If she were to be concerned about trees, it would be in terms of firewood which she needs to provide fuel for her kitchen.

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Well, this is racist.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2025 23:20

pottylolly · 07/10/2025 22:06

Just allow it for now. I suspect she won’t have time for your dd when she’s diagnosed and she has her own child. Might even try to renege on 50/50 when she realises how difficult parenting a child with SEN is.

Edited
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Wow, that’s really incredibly nasty and fanciful isn’t it. She’s done as much parenting as OP has done for years, possibly nearly all of this girl’s life. She does more day to day parenting than the dad. Even from OP’s very biased version the step mum is involved, invested, insightful, supportive, loving and the daughter wants her at school events. She sounds a lot nicer than the chippy OP, and you.

JFDIYOLO · 08/10/2025 00:56

What exactly has she said or done to make out you're 'a shit mum'? You haven't given examples.

I wonder if this might in fact be your own feelings that perhaps your choices weren't the best coming out?

Letsbe · 08/10/2025 07:52

What do you think is best for your daughter. Would you prefer for someone who cares for her some of the time to learn about she is doing and how to support or someone who does not understand her and it not interested in her.

EastGrinstead · 08/10/2025 09:28

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2025 23:20

Wow, that’s really incredibly nasty and fanciful isn’t it. She’s done as much parenting as OP has done for years, possibly nearly all of this girl’s life. She does more day to day parenting than the dad. Even from OP’s very biased version the step mum is involved, invested, insightful, supportive, loving and the daughter wants her at school events. She sounds a lot nicer than the chippy OP, and you.

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👋

SnoopyPajamas · 08/10/2025 11:28

If you say you don't have any feelings for your child's father, OP, I believe you. But that doesn't mean you can't be jealous of this woman. You're jealous of the role she has in your daughter's life. You resent her for the fact that she can be there at times when you can't. I think that's what's really going on here, and you need to sort your feelings out if so, because it's not fair on her or DD.

Barnbrack · 08/10/2025 22:12

Fargo79 · 07/10/2025 09:40

She is a relative stranger to the OP.

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But it's the child appointment and FOR the child. This woman has been her caregiver for years. Weird to exclude her. Who does it serve

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