Is this acceptable in the workplace?

[Middleware]

In a group Teams chat someone has posted asking for some work to be done. Some one (male) has responded that ‘the queue for that is longer than the one for Bonnie Blue’.

Another woman on the chat has pulled him up for this saying it’s an unacceptable comment.

Is this acceptable? My gut is telling me this is not reasonable but I would like to formalize in my head why it isn’t. Misogynistic? Inappropriate reference to porn on a work chat?

Fwiw the bloke is a bit of a twit and the woman is highly respected but known for being a bit prickly

YABU = this is acceptable
YANBU = this is unacceptable

I suppose I’m trying to say, I’m quite laid back about ‘banter’ but this isn’t banter, and it’s not ok

It's unprofessional and inappropriate BUT unless this person has a history of this then I'd just let it go. We all say things in frustration.

Had to Google it myself and I'm not behind the door when it comes to sex, but never heard of her.

It would make me laugh tbh and personally there are many other hills I’d rather die on but it is unprofessional and you aren’t wrong to call him out. The poor emoji is pathetic.

The poo emoji has got me 😂 Seriously though, how old is this man!

I am a professional woman, OP while I absolutely agree it’s not appropriate , it’s immature and absolutely can be called out (his immaturity)

I disagree with a lot of the comments - how is stating a fact that BB who did have an exceptionally long line / I’m hearing sexism / misogynistic / take it further under sexual harassment - WE need to tow the line by calling out shitty and immature behaviour but Christ sake I am sick to death of explaining to men about feminism and the whole don’t get your knickers in a twist / burn your bra type era that making such a ridiculous deal over an immature comment harms women who have and need real support .

if we claim “sexism” for every single comment (some well deserved but common this is not sexism it’s a immature comments ) it becomes the boy that cries wolf and our voice when needed has been very much watered down.

OP I’m not saying you put up with his BS- personally I would have pulled him up but toe to toe - like so you referring to porn and sending 5 year old emojis?? All ok you need a coffee???

Before I get absolutely nailed for my comments - I am FULLY in support of all women - but can we please stop overusing sexism and feminism in contexts that really undervalue everything we fought to get our voice heard! A little bit of cop on or common sense or in my experience give them a good dose of BS back and put them in their place tends to “correct” their behavior.

OP I would talk to HR tell them this guy is a dope, sending stupid emojis and you have his cards marked - I’d have the same conversation with him when he comes back from leave . Let him know you won’t tolerate his BS .

best of luck OP and love your description respected but prickly 🙂🙂 I’d start sending him pictures of a cactus the next time he crosses the line remind him who he is dealing with 🙂

I am a professional woman, OP while I absolutely agree it’s not appropriate , it’s immature and absolutely can be called out (his immaturity)

I disagree with a lot of the comments - how is stating a fact that BB who did have an exceptionally long line / I’m hearing sexism / misogynistic / take it further under sexual harassment - WE need to tow the line by calling out shitty and immature behaviour but Christ sake I am sick to death of explaining to men about feminism and the whole don’t get your knickers in a twist / burn your bra type era that making such a ridiculous deal over an immature comment harms women who have and need real support .

If we claim “sexism” for every single comment (some well deserved but this is not sexism it’s a immature comments) it becomes the boy that cries wolf and our voice when needed to be loud is very much watered down.

OP I’m not saying you put up with his BS- personally I would have pulled him up but toe to toe - like so you referring to porn and sending 5 year old emojis?? All ok you need a coffee???

Before I get absolutely nailed for my comments - I am FULLY in support of all women - but can we please stop overusing sexism and feminism in contexts that really undervalue everything we fought to get our voice heard! A little bit of cop on or common sense or in my experience give them a good dose of BS back and put them in their place tends to “correct” their behavior.

OP I would talk to HR tell them this guy is a dope, sending stupid emojis and you have his cards marked - I’d have the same conversation with him when he comes back from leave . Let him know you won’t tolerate his BS .

best of luck OP and love your description respected but prickly 🙂🙂 I’d start sending him pictures of a cactus the next time he crosses the line remind him who he is dealing with 🙂

It’s no wonder we get nothing done in this country. I’m a line manager. If this came to me, I’d speak to the person who wrote the comment to say “Please don’t post things like that in work again.” And move on. I suggest you do the same.

Tbh you’re reading way too much into it. Yeah it’s inappropriate but hardly meant as offensive or an insult. Just crack on with your day and stop trying to cause problems for people

This is where I’m at. This has been really interesting, thank you everyone for your views. I am comfortable my comment has been noted and it speaks for itself. Adorned by its poo emoji.

I am the first person to accept that I'm quite sensitive to misogyny and am pretty sick of in being ingrained in society.

Honestly though, I'm not sure this comment falls within that category.

I think the fact that Bonnie Blue has become well-known within the mainstream changes everything. As PP have pointed out, there has been a documentary about her, multiple newspaper reports, and she's even been on the bloody news. The Guardian describes her as a "tabloid favourite" and I think that's accurate. She's like an X-rated version of the page 3 girls of the past who achieved huge fame and celebrity status, just for getting undressed - Sam Fox, Linda Lusardi et al.

And unfortunately, what Bonnie Blue is famous for - and is weirdly proud of - is the fact that she had sex with 1000 men in one day, with them queuing up to have their turn.

The fact that she's so notorious and has become this well-known mainstream celebrity means that this man was essentially just referring to a news story.

It was factual - there was a very long queue of men waiting for Bonnie Blue. Referencing that isn't misogynistic.

If he'd made an unpleasant comment about the state of BB's vagina (sorry) then that would be a misogynistic reference.

Misogyny is defined as contempt for or ingrained dislike of women. I just don't see how referencing the long queue of men - a factual thing - displays a hatred of women, or contempt for them.

Plenty of men and women might feel uncomfortable with a reference to Bonnie Blue. That's understandable. Offensive doesn't automatically mean misogynistic though.

I think you could easily argue that it's not a socially acceptable reference to make because we know what the men were queuing up for. You don't allude to sex in polite company, nor in a work setting.

I'd say it was a throwaway, clumsy comment that wasn't really professional - but I don't see how it meets the threshold for sexism or misogyny.

The bloke does sound like a giant twat though with his emoji response. It doesn't even make sense. Obviously a massive dickhead.

Other blokes messaging you to express shock at the comment feels a bit ridiculous. Weirdly, that feels more misogynistic than the original comment. There was a tasteless comment - you called it out. Job done. Why do they need to message you about it privately? Do they think you're some kind of fragile little flower? I think that would actually annoy me more than the crass comment.

Middleware and Potassium Permanagate, keep dated contemporaneous logs of their behaviour, screen shots of what they write, etc. Report when you feel ready.
I dealt with one man like this by getting him on his own, staring hard at him, and growling, "Don't EVER speak to me like that again". Apparently I scared the wits out of him and he kept his distance thereafter.

As a woman I don’t find this offensive at all. In fact I would have killed myself laughing at the comment but that’s the kind of humour I have.

I said to hubby that she must have a fanny like the channel tunnel he nearly fell of the chair laughing

This thread is a perfect example of why misogyny is so rife within society now.

You answered your own question in your OP.
If I'm honest I wouldn't be offended by the comment. I wouldn't think it was wrong of someone to tell the person their comment was inappropriate but I'd think it OTT to go any further than just calling it out at the time.

With his second response l would now take it to HR. Most unprofessional in his initial & then second response. I'd also include the DMs to show that you were not the only one who felt this.

No it's not minor. It's "a broken window". He thinks he's got away with it and it's just "bants". It isn't. Yuk.

Can’t see anything wrong with it myself. It’s referencing a well known recentbwoveht, quite witty really.

It was comment meant to remind you women are lesser ..it’s simple misogyny…then his non verbal reply ..his confession

For me, if I had no other context with this person, I would consider it slightly inappropriate for that kind of meeting, but not massively. It's a slightly off colour current events reference.

In a break room kind of chat it might be fine depending on the people.

Normally with things like this I think it is better to say something in private first. Some people really are just quite bad at judging comments of this kind, whether they cross the line or not.

If he's a twit generally that's going to colour your feelings and it's probably really further evidence he is a fool and a jerk rather than just awkward. So it may well have been reasonable to say something at the time. I might have gone with something like "Nice." in a way that obviously means it's actually a bit off-putting.

If I were his supervisor, or even a friend, I might then make the leap to say something after. However, given your history with him, I don't think I would, I would leave it where it is. It's just going to have the potential to seem petty and inflame the situation in ways that will ultimately not serve you. It's better to keep your eye on the more serious aspects of your issues with him.

It was a joke about a mainstream media figure

Explain how it was aiming to remind OP she, and all women, are lesser?

@Gymrabbit

Quite.

It's the poo emoji that makes it a problem, I think. If he had responded with, "yes, sorry, won't do it again," I doubt this thread would have been started.

He probably just intended to be funny, but the point about harassment is that it's not the intent which counts (to avoid all those defences of, "it was just a joke, can't you take a laugh?") but how it makes you feel, and it made the OP uncomfortable, it was witnessed by colleagues (though why won't men don't speak up publicly?) and he didn't apologise when called out on it.

I don't know if I'd go to HR at this point, but I'd definitely keep screenshot, including of the IMs.

How rude and senseless this comment is.