DP hit the roof over DD autism diagnosis

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Posting on behalf of a friend looking for advice.

DC 7 was diagnosed with autism yesterday. Her DP who is a doctor has hit the roof and is really struggling to accept it. He’s saying things like he might as well withdraw her from school as she’s never going to amount to anything, he’s embarrassed as all his doctor friends are saving for prestigious universities for their kids and now they’ll see his daughter as a failure and therefore him. It’s pointless continuing an education etc. things like she’s an embarrassment to the family and they’ve failed her. DD is behind developmentally but keeping up in a mainstream school. There’s not an “obvious” issue to those external.

im shocked tbh. And feel so sorry for my friend. They’ve had a serious row this evening and I don’t feel I can be the same with him going forward.

mg own AIBU is to tell her to divorce him! (She knows I’m posting this)

her AIBU is to basically tell him he’s being ridiculous and stand her ground

That would be a dealbreaker for me.

He’s a disgusting pig and shouldn’t be working as a doctor with that mindset tbh - imagine how he would treat his patients

Omg how awful!

How odd. Is he having a breakdown of some sort?

What kind of doctor is he? Not a medic surely?

Yes he’s an oncologist. I’m also quietly furious as I have ND DC myself. Is this what he’s been thinking all along?

He has no business being a doctor demonstrating that level of ignorance.

Some of the most successful and wealthy people in the the world are autistic. Never amount to anything? What like Einstein?

I’d give him a couple of days to get over his initial shock, and if he’s still being a dick after he’s had time to come to his senses, then get rid of him.

I don’t think it’s fair to expect everyone to react perfectly to the news that their child’s life will be significantly different to the one that was expected.

Sadly some of the HCPs I know also have this view on ND. It’s uneducated and frankly unacceptable for people in their profession.

My DC’s dad had a similar reaction when she as diagnosed with adhd.

he still thinks that she’s just naughty and needs to try harder but doesn’t have adhd.

it’s been over a decade.

It shouldn’t come as that much of a surprise as she was pretty much non verbal until age 4! He is Nigerian and basically thinks if you’re not a doctor or a barrister then get out of the family. I can’t see him coming around based on what’s been said

I’m autistic, late diagnosed as an adult following my dc’s diagnosis and I’m very educated and in a professional role. DC also a high performer at school. It doesn’t stop you performing in exams or having a career etc. In both cases here it just makes us a little odd socially at times. Which most doctors are anyway.

Bloody hell. The rate of neurodiversity in doctors is pretty high, and as such many doctors have children with an autism diagnosis. And most of them manage to be good parents, and not ableist shits. It sounds like he is more worried about his own prestige than his child's wellbeing. I really hope this is an irrational grieving process for the future he hoped his child would have, and that he will rapidly come round to working to support and unconditionally love his daughter. If not, then yes, absolutely divorce. Can't imagine he'd go for custody.

He’s a cunt.

What a horrible arsehole. He's more concerned about what his colleagues think than finding out how to help his daughter and wife because it's obviously been a bit of a shock to her too.
Maybe point out that Elon Musk hasn't been held back in life.

It's not that unusual for parents to really struggle with an autism diagnosis. In some cultures, autism is seen as a really negative thing unfortunately.His reaction is extreme but it's early days and he needs time to get over the shock.
The National Autistic Society provide support for parents.In particular , the chance to speak to other parents who've been through the same thing
www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/help-and-support

Considering there’s a large genetic component to autism, has he taken a look at himself and his black and white thinking lately?

That kind of attitude will absolutely destroy the DD's self-esteem. Your friend absolutely should divorce him, awful, awful man.

I can’t believe it tbh. He comes off as a fun loving dad always tussling with the kids at home and at any parties etc. lovely to everyone. Narcissist comes to mind.

I feel immense compassion for your friend & her Child & you, as their friend going through this with them 😢
You're all not being unreasonable whatsoever 🙏
I'm shocked as well & it seems this male has a judgemental, prejudice, narrow minded attitude
He's the one with stinking thinking, compounded with negativity
Folks whom're, this set in their mindsets, upsettingly, can take a lot to ever change 🙏
Wishing you & your friend & her daughter all the utmost very best 💚

Total bellend. He needs to do research on how he can help to understand his dc diagnosis.

I would leave him.

My ds has autism, struggled a lot in school so I home schooled him, he didn't even do any exams, he's now in second year of uni, paying his own way by working too, and absolutely smashing his course.

Had his dad still been in his life, bringing him down, he may not have achieved even half of what he has.

Disgusting

It's probably shock and needs time to let the news sink in. A diagnosis of any sort can really knock you for six. Give him time. It's tough on everyone.

I think it is okay to grieve while you are adjusting to the idea that your child's life will be different from the one you imagined for them.

I think the real question is how to move beyond that grief.